Does being drunk twice a week mean you have a drinking problem?

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I think yes, my husband thinks no.

He gets drunk twice (sometimes three times) a week.

It’s not just a few beers, it’s a bottle of vodka. He can barely walk or speak he’s so drunk.

I hate it but he acts as if I’m the problem and says he should be allowed to drink in the house because he doesn’t go out drinking (his choice).

A bottle of vodka in the house is far worse than going out drinking with your mates and getting drunk. He's drinking with the intention of getting drunk and oblivious imo. So yes, he sounds like an alcoholic

Being drunk - as in barely functioning- isn't good

Regular is bad

A bottle of vodka is 30 units which is more than doubt the recommended maximum

However he clearly has a problem that he doesn't want to address so there isn't much you can do

Of course it does. What he thinks is irrelevant. Can you live with this? I couldn't.

Life with an alcoholic is terrible. Addicts lie, they minimise: it's just a few drinks. They accuse: You're exaggerating, you're boring, you're no fun, you're imagining it. They normalise it: everybody lets their hair down once in a while.

So whatever he thinks it's a question of whether you can live with this. My opinion is that yes, he has a problem.

Of course he thinks no!!!

I'd say a bottle of vodka in one go is a bloody serious drinking problem.

That is exactly the kind of comments I get from him -
Liven up a little bit
I’m only having a few
Why do you grudge me having a few drinks?
You should be grateful I don’t go out
I don’t get to drink while I’m away working so should get to drink at home when I want

It makes you feel like you’re the problem.

Have a look at al-anon. https://al-anonuk.org.uk/

Some great advice for the kind of excuses people who drink make.

Yes it is a problem; often people think because they don’t drink every day or it’s not all day that it’s not an issue but that’s an outdated view. Also though it’s clearly an issue for you and something you aren’t happy about as your husband he should care about that

Yes.

Thanks for the link @BarrelOfOtters

I confided in my colleague this morning who’s told me I’m too uptight and to let him do it and doesn’t see why I have a problem with it. She said “you could have worse problems!”

We have 2 school age children too and even they make comments, oh daddy is on the vodka again

He’s not nasty or horrible while drunk, just grumpy the following day as he feels shit and it’s upsetting seeing him get into such a state

Yes it’s a problem.

3 bottles of vodka a week? Massive problem.

make sure your wills / life insurance is sorted…

is he driving the next day?

Getting properly drunk on purpose when you're over the age of about 24 is problematic and gross behaviour. Of course we can all have an accidental moment but this guy is setting out to get drunk regularly so yes, he definitely has a drink problem. He's binge style alcohol dependent.

This will kill him eventually, and in a very ugly way, so if you are staying with him for the finances or the children:don’t.

Op, as pp have suggested, please go to an Al anon meeting. You will find help and support from people who have been through/are going through the same thing.

Hello OP,

Your husband is setting your family up for heartache. My late brother was 54 when he died. He left three girls.
Alcoholics lie. I know I was one.
AA or smart recovery can help.
This will effect your children. And he shouldn't drive. Each unit takes 1 hour to leave your body. He is literally killing himself.
Ask me anything if it would help.

Yes he does drive the morning after, he will take the kids to school. I’m at work so can’t. He will say that he stopped drinking at 9pm so that’s 12 hours he’s had nothing for, so he’s fine to drive.

We don’t get much time with eachother due to always having the kids but we did get one night child free back in March so booked to go away to a hotel and he got so drunk and fell. I had to walk with him through the hotel with a bleeding face, I was mortified.

Will definitely check out the websites.

Thank you for being kind. It doesn’t help when the one person I’ve confided in has told me I’m making a big deal out of nothing, makes me feel like I’m being dramatic.

You know OP must people don't understand alcoholism. They think it's just one too many. Female Alcoholics are not really discussed either, it's not nice. People think it's just lads being lads until it isn't.

My late brother became ill with another illness and due to his drinking he died.
Vodka or other spirits are harder to give up than beer and wine. Is he unhappy? I was. He will need your help.
My children have forgiven me but I caused heartache to my family. I nearly lost everything.
Some would say leave him but he needs help. If you are up for it get the big girl pants on and don't pull your punches. No booze in the house. Shame is a big factor in recovery as is forgiveness.
There is an active thread over on alcohol support.

A bottle of vodka in one sitting three times a week is a problem for him physically.

Alcohol use is a problem if it's causing a wider issue in your life, and impacting work, relationships with family etc, so seeing as this is the case, then yes, his drinking is a problem. Additionally, he's probably not safe to drive the morning after.

You don't need to lighten up, if you don't want to be married to a man who is blind drunk and can't walk or speak, is injuring himself while drunk, and is predictablly grumpy with you and the kids three times a week, but be prepared for him to defend it to the end. Get support for yourself, he has his own path to walk and you can't walk it for him.

I assume he thinks that because he doesn't drink every day he 'can't' be an alcoholic. You could show him this on binge drinking, which also highlights that there is no way he is sober enough to drive in the morning. Even assuming he is able to metabolise alcohol faster than average, there is no way 28 units are out of his system 12 hours later (and it's not 12, unless the kids actually start school at 9? More like 11 tops).

It’s unfortunate that your colleague has corroborated your H’s belief that this is no big deal. Possibly your colleague drinks a little too much too and therefore has a vested interest in making heavy alcohol use sound like something everyone does.

You can see from the responses here that a majority of people don’t drink like this and wouldn’t find it acceptable in their partner.

I hope you find a way through this, either by supporting your husband to stop, or by leaving the relationship. Neither prospect sounds very appealing I’m sure, but the decision is yours. All the best.

You poor thing. I've been there and done that. My late (yes, he died) DH was an alcoholic. He started off like this until eventually he was gulping down booze in the morning, and would even get up in the night to top up. I used to hear him unscrewing the bottles and I would weep.

There is nothing you can do to change this. No amount of shouting, tears, threats or "deals" will make any difference. I wish someone had told me this in the early stages because I honestly thought I could save him. I thought he loved me enough to change. Alcoholics only love the bottle, make no mistake no matter what he tells you. Your DH has to want to change himself and this usually involves hitting rock bottom.

Yes lovely. That is an alcoholic. No human should behaving an entire bottle of vodka that often. My husband was a closet alcoholic for a long time. This involved probably about this much vodka. Possbily more. I have no idea. There was minimisation. Many many lies. He wasn't a nasty drunk. Just a sleepy one. And not a functioning one either as I found out much later from his work colleague. He had a severe stroke last July. He is now considered disabled and can no longer work.
I found out more recently from my now 14 year old that dad would swig from a water bottle on the way to dropping him off at the station from school. But he could smell it and it wasn't water. This is going back to when he started secondary. Like he didn't have enough on his plate. He didn't want to tell me then 😢
Oh and I still find those mini bottles of red wine in his pockets when he's forgotten to bin them. He will probably die fairly soon as his meds won't work if he's boozing.
You are NOT the problem I promise you.

@thesugarbumfairy, that sounds so awful. I’m sad for you and for your DS. 😔

Habitually drinking is a problem if you can't go without

You may not be able to change his views on whether his drinking is “normal” or not, but the biggest immediate issue is him driving the children the next morning.

This is a calculator prepared by confused.com, which takes weight, sex etc into account when working out when it’s safe to drive. It would be worth you having a look and seeing what it comes up with.

Calculator

Yes he is misusing alcohol. And it is a very slippery slope.