What is going on with me

[multishack]

I've always enjoyed alcohol. Loved a good night out but as my
Marriage started to crumble I found solace in wine, at home.
We separated at the beginning of Covid restrictions and I drank most night. Traumatised, traumatised kids, loneliness , boredom etc.
I cut way back when life got back to normal.
Now I find myself having a bottle on a few nights per week... Thursday and Friday, sometimes Saturday.
I then have no interest in it and enjoy my early nights.
Wine gives me a buzz then a nostalgic feeling then it helps me
Sleep. It makes me
Happy.
I don't get hangovers but can be tired and sluggish.
I still think it's too much alcohol but once I. decide I want it, that's it, I just get it and finish the bottle everytime.
Then I'm happy to be taxi for my kids at night so don't crave or get upset if I can't have it. I'm currently
On a weight loss journey so have a bottle twice per week.
I'm struggling to make sense of
Myself and to decide whether This is problematic.
Perhaps it's because I'm the only adult drinking in the house until my adult child comes home.
I don't discuss this with anyone as it's not a matter I want to discuss with friends or family
. My own family and friends have a busier social life with alcohol than I but perhaps it's the drinking on my own that makes me feel guilt or shame?
It never happened in my home as a child.
Can I have your thoughts please?

Anyone please? I could
Really do
With some
Perspective as I'm overthinking for months and I'm tormented about it.

Alcohol is a very addictive substance and it sounds to me like you might be a grey-area drinker. Maybe have a listen to the One for the Road podcast. Drinking in this country is so normalised and maybe you are right to question the situation. The book called This Naked Mind is good too.

As an alcoholic, there aren’t blindingly obvious red flags from what you’ve said.

Do you stop at the one bottle? Do you get more? Can you choose when you stop? Do you think about alcohol a lot of the days your not drinking?

A whole bottle is too much.
What age are your kids?

I normally stop at one . I may have a glass out of another if it's early enough. I don't really think of it when I'm not having drinks or intending on early nights or activities. I don't crave it .

Ok, it sounds like you’re drinking a little to much for your health but I don’t think you’re an alcoholic.

You aren't an alcoholic

I would say the fact that it concerns you and you have written this post suggests you know you have a borderline alcohol issue. I was the same and quite 15 years ago. It was one of the best things I've done tbh although it definitely damaged my social life! Life is better sober than feeling anxious about your drinking, I can testify to that. AA helped me during the first year of sobriety, it was ace.

*quit

I have a similar relationship with alcohol. I can drink quite a lot on holiday, over Christmas and regularly drink a bottle of wine on a Friday and Saturday. I like the way it tastes. I also taxi kids about and can not drink when required (last new year for example- I sat alone and sober until picking up teens at 2am and it didn't really bother me). That said, It's a big part of holidays and socialing for me. I wouldn't give it up, although I've not drunk this weekend as I'm not feeling well. I am aware that I can drink quite a bit more than the recommended amounts and have quite a high tolerance but I don't think I'm an alcoholic. My father was and so I know the difference. I have a healthy respect for alcohol but I also know I do enjoy it. It's complex.

Drinking a bottle is a lot. As it will only be you drinking can't you buy those little bottles and have one of those? As long as it is only 2 or 3 nights I think it is OK if you cut down the amount and don't let the number of nights or amount creep up. (Opening a second bottle sounds like the start of it creeping up ' how long until it is two bottles?)

Does the cost impact your life?

Here is some info about recommended units and units in a bottle of wine. 3 bottles a week puts you way over a healthy limit.

Thanks.
It's a strange situation. Tonight, for example, I was bringing one child to a party, another to the train . I'm home sitting happily with tea and cake and on the way home, I asked myself if I wanted to pick
Up some wine and decided not to. No specific reason, just didn't fancy it tonight. No plans tomorrow so could sleep on etc.
If I did fancy it, I would have bought it and drank the lot of it.
I've had a very stressful couple of days so normally wine would definitely be my go to. I wonder if I'm completely overthinking this ? I can't compare myself to others in many ways because I'm
Alone firstly and I don't go to pubs much anymore and who knows what drinking actually Goes on in anyone's home ?
Perhaps it's more acceptable to sit and drink with your oh rather than on your own??

Honestly, you don’t sound like an alcoholic to me. You sound like many people I know. Everyone I know drinks at home pretty much. Everyone I know doesn’t drink every night. It’s completely fine to drink on your own as long as you don’t have an addiction.

I’m from a family of alcoholics & some weeks I have a drink fri, Sat & sun & some weeks I have none.

I don't think you are at the stage where you have a problem. Having worked with an alcoholic. She would drink a bottle per night (1litre ones from M&S) and wouldn't think anything of it. But I can see it could get to that stage. Maybe a bottle in one night is a bit much for weeknights/having to work etc.

I'll sit and drink on my own if DH is out or even sitting with me. Like you I can go without when I want to or need to. I rarely have wine but stick to spirits. Sometimes I just don't feel like it. I can go weeks without then other weeks I'll drink 2/3 nights.

As for during COVID I think lots of people questioned their alcohol input. I know I did, drinking most days, being furloughed and having nowhere to go. It was easy enough to quit though when I went back to work. I still probably drink too much on nights out/holidays/special occasions. I wouldn't say I have a problem although others may disagree.

Could you give it up if you had to?

Look into The Sinclair Method. It helps retrain the body to not crave the alcohol high, whilst slowly cutting down. There's a Facebook group - UK

I'm in a similar pattern to you OP. Whilst I don't identify as an alcoholic I do know that I need to do quite a bit of self monitoring when it comes to alcohol.

I really like the taste and the happiness that I get from alcohol. I know its simply a dopamine hit but it feels nice. So it would be easy to up my intake to more than two.or three nights a week and in the past during lockdown I was an almost daily drinker and consequently felt pretty sub par most of the time.

I will polish off a bottle to myself buy won't allow myself to reach for another as that way madness lies.

I would like to be tee total for health and productivity reasons and I did sober October which extended to the 17th of November and felt pretty good while that lasted.

It's probably not great to drink as much as we do and alcohol is really nothing but tasty poison when all is said and done.

It's hard, isn't it?

It is hard and definitely confusing to me! It's an emotional crotch for me also and sometimes , because I sit in the same chair each evening , I will automatically think ... this is where I have my drinks.. like an association . Weird .
But then I wouldn't be bothered with it and head on to bed.
There's lots of alcohol on my house at all times besides wine but I'd never even be tempted ..

Potentially dodgy.

You say you don't crave it, but you do. That feeling of 'should I get a bottle?' IS craving.

I don't say this with judgment, because alcohol is an extremely addictive substance, and also because I am almost exactly the same as you.

I have a history of trauma, but I rarely drank until I was nearly 30 and I had something happen. Started with a a couple of glasses a night to sleep, went up to a bottle a night and stayed that way for a couple of years. Then covid lockdowns hit and my consumption went worse. Up to over 100 units a week, maybe more. Buying boxes. Mild withdrawals, sometimes day drinking, hiding it etc. My feet started going numb and tingling as well and skin awful.

I then cut back gradually to a bottle a night, and then strictly a bottle every other night in 2022. That was do-able. So like what you are at - around 30 units a week. Also started to enjoy my nights off.

Since last year, I decided to try to keep it to the recommended 14 units a week, and I'm really struggling with it. I feel the urge to order deliveroo, often. Feels like white-knuckling it on the third and subsequent nights without. Most I've managed is 2 weeks off. I'm averaging 16-25 units weekly now.

That tired and sluggish way you feel is also me the next day. Takes a couple of hours to rehydrate, slight nausea, cannot get going in morning, then get heartburn later in day. I drink beer now though.

I think if you don't feel you can stop completely (although great if you can), you should make strict rules for yourself. Get rid of ALL the alcohol in the house, and only buy the alcohol just before you drink it. It will stop that opening the next bottle, or starting early.

I now have the rule that I do not start before 8pm, so the earliest I will physically buy it is 6pm (this really helps, not keeping it in the house and only buying after 6pm) and I only buy 10 units (4 beers) max. I'm going to try start having a 2 specific nights a week maximum so it should be 16-20 units maximum.

Good luck xx

Hi OP, because alcohol is part of our culture quite often ordinary folk like you and me don't step back and think about it objectively. Alcohol is a neuro toxin. It alters our brain chemistry. No amount is safe to consume. For what its worth if I were you I would give up. You aren't addicted, yet. So why not quit. It's not a food group!
I had to give up because I became allergic, it was pretty much the best thing that could have happened to me.
I have friends and acquaintances who still ask about how I cope not being able to drink. Very well thank you!
Alcohol is a highly addictive substance, and it is full of calories and it made me depressed!

I don't think you're an alcoholic yet but you should probably think about cutting down.
Why don't you try buying one of the miniature bottles that only hold 1 glass of wine instead of a normal sized bottle? Or get yourself some nice sparkling fruit juice and drink it in a wine glass.

@multishack - the term ‘alcoholic’ is outdated now and many addiction specialists do not use the term as it suggests a problem with the person rather than the substance/behaviours.

I abuse alcohol and an a binge drinker. I’ve almost lost everything. I didn’t get that way overnight- I started off drinking socially then at home when we had DC.

My wine at the weekend crept up and up until I was drinking in secret during the week until I was going on harmful 3 day benders.

My point being you don’t get a problem overnight. Alcohol is designed to be addictive. The more you drink, the more tolerance you develop and you need more amounts of alcohol to get the “nice” feeling it gives you.

Alcohol is a dangerous, addictive toxin so “recommended limits” don’t really make sense…..it’s okay to drink 14 units of this toxin but not 16….

If you can genuinely hand on heart take it or leave it sometimes but enjoy the times you do drink, then I don’t think you have a problem at this time. You say you’re not bothered when you don’t drink due to taxiing kids - that’s different to just not wanting to drink.

I’d be very cautious of the need for more creeping up on me. As @Notgoodatpoetrybutgreatatlit says - could you give up completely? If you think “no way” then maybe you are on the path to having a problem.

@soupofpasta just wanted to say good luck on your journey. Sounds tough but you are really trying to get a handle on this.

I’m a binge drinker and am currently on day 11 AF. I have used up every chance my family has given me and I simply cannot go on another bender or I really will lose everything. It’s not hard for me to say AF at the moment- I am always so riddled with shame after a bender that I don’t even want to drink for a few weeks. But I know the time will come when I will get the compulsion to drink myself to oblivion and that is when I will really need to dig deep to stay sober.

🤞🤞for us all ❤️

Hi me again. I wanted to add that often in real life and on line I see and hear the opinion that how can 14 units be OK and 16 not. Or why do " they" keep changing their minds?
They don't it's evolving health advice. As we know more we gain more. And 14 units isn't safe. It's a bit like saying it's ok to juggle with knives for 5 minutes that's safe but 6 minutes isn't. Poison doesn't have a safe limit. You might not die but it's never going to be OK to take some!

I’d say I spent my 30’s and early 40’s drinking a similar amount - it made boring evenings in front of the tv more bearable. Thought it was doing no harm and assumed thats what everyone of my generation did with their evenings, its certainly normalised.

At 45 i had an abdominal scan for menopause niggles which was all okay, but showed I’d got fatty liver disease. So I stopped there and then. I’m glad I found out as I’d have had no idea otherwise. I still have a glass of champagne at a wedding or special occasion, but the mindless consumption had to stop!

I think if your wondering if its too much OP, you probably know deep down it is.

The last couple of sentences sound like you are trying to convince yourself that everyone is drinking whole bottles of wine several evenings a week. Obviously everyone is different but I don't think that is true for the most part. It's not true in my house or any families/friends I know. I think a night of "drinking" and drinking a bottle of wine or more per person would be a fairly rare big night for most people. I don't think most families I know would think it was a good use of their money either - 3 bottles of wine a week or more must cost over £80 a month?

Whether you are drinking alone or with others is not the issue - but you are drinking too much in quantity. You even describe it as "sit and drink" which sounds a bit odd to me - I would think of it more what I am doing like having a meal/ watching the tele/ reading/catching up with friends whatever and having a drink at some point/s in that evening rather than what I am doing is sitting and drinking. I would never consider what I am doing in an evening to be described as "drinking" - in general it's not an activity in itself or shouldn't be.

When you drink a bottle of wine in one sitting to yourself you are binge drinking by general guidelines of what binge drinking is. Ask yourself if you don't have a problem with binge drinking why not buy a little bottle that is just a glass or two. You are reluctant to do this because having the whole bottle is giving you something even if you can't quite put your finger on what. You do need to be careful. If you don't have a problem why not cut down? If you don't have a problem why would it be an issue to stick to NHS guidelines of safe drinking levels bar the odd night out/ hen do or whatever?

Something is going on for you that you are thinking "I'm not sure if my drinking is OK, but I don't want to cut down to be within safe recommended limits - I hope some people to tell me it's fine and everyone drinks a handful of bottles of wine a week".

https://www.drinkaware.co.uk/facts/health-effects-of-alcohol/lifestyle-effects/binge-drinking