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Alcohol support

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Original poster

Not sure if I want to or can stop

31 replies

zollapaloza · 20/01/2024 19:31

Hello all. New to this so please excuse if it starts going off the rails a bit I'm already a bottle of wine in and it's not even 7'o clock
I'm in my 50s, married and have always struggled with drinking too much. When I was in my 20s 3 bottles of Diamond White every 2 nights was my poison (sounds ridiculously small amount of alcohol) and I had 3 small kids, managed to function perfectly well but even then I knew I had a problem. Tried going to AA but felt a bit of a fraud as I wasn't drinking round the clock and on the surface seemed to be ok.

As the years passed our circumstances changed and I swapped cider for wine and eventually 3 bottles of diamond white became 2 bottles of wine every 2 nights instead. Still aware I had a problem but wine seemed more socially acceptable although in the most part I was drinking alone at home.
In all this time I have held down a job, raised 3 absolutely amazing boys and my husband and I now run a successful business together.

Here's the problem. Or he is the problem, I know. He's been a devoted husband and father, we met when we were at school and honestly he would do anything for me and our boys.
But he doesn't seem to see that my drinking is a problem in fact he's the one who'll come home with a few (6) bottles of a nice Sauvignon Blanc as it's on special or go online and buy fancy gin(£50) that someone mentioned they'd tried. I've spoken to him about this, he knows how much I drink, I don't hide empty bottles from him, I don't have to and tbh I don't even know the last time I have actually bought any alcohol but there's always wine in the fridge. He doesn't drink anymore btw

I was talking to a friend who is close to both of us and asked if they thought it was a weird thing and they basically said that all my husband was trying to do was make me happy

We have a great life, nice holidays etc, husband bought me a horse.

Not really sure why I'm on here. I know I drink too much so does husband but it doesn't really affect our lives in general although sometimes I just spend a day in bed because I can't be bothered getting up and maybe he does think that alcohol makes me happy. I don't really think it does but I look forward to that first drink at 6 pm

OP posts:
heldinadream · 20/01/2024 19:36

Sweetheart, it's your long term health you should be worried about.
You only get one liver and you are pounding it with a substance that kills it, daily. Please care enough about yourself to face this. 💟

Original poster
zollapaloza · 20/01/2024 19:54

Thank you hedinadream. I know it's bad for me. I worked in healthcare and I have seen firsthand the results of liver damage and it's awful, wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I don't seem to be able to relate that to me. X

OP posts:
Original poster
zollapaloza · 20/01/2024 20:00

Weird thing is I have left a terrible job that nearly brought me to breaking point (NHS) and now I'm pretty settled but I still crave the 6 o'clock wine

OP posts:
heldinadream · 20/01/2024 20:14

Can you get some therapy? Look at the issues that encourage the dependence? Remember healing takes time, so even if you no longer do the job you're not automatically 'better'.
I'm sorry your husband is enabling you. Could you get couple counselling to get to the bottom of that?

Silverbirchtwo · 20/01/2024 20:14

He doesn't drink? This is weird why does he encourage you to drink if he doesn't?

Original poster
zollapaloza · 20/01/2024 20:29

Silverbirchtwo · 20/01/2024 20:14

He doesn't drink? This is weird why does he encourage you to drink if he doesn't?

Long story short he did drink and smoke cannabis. He worked away a lot and when he was at home he'd sleep on the couch all day and I'd take ours boys out. I threatened to leave and he basically cleaned up his act. Doesn't drink at all now. I honestly don't know why he thinks it's ok for me to drink this much alcohol and if he was I'd be worried and trying to help him.

OP posts:
Original poster
zollapaloza · 20/01/2024 20:34

heldinadream · 20/01/2024 20:14

Can you get some therapy? Look at the issues that encourage the dependence? Remember healing takes time, so even if you no longer do the job you're not automatically 'better'.
I'm sorry your husband is enabling you. Could you get couple counselling to get to the bottom of that?

Thanks for sticking with me. I probably should get therapy, nothing to do with him tho. He's not a Prince but he is definitely an enabler

OP posts:
Thingsthatgo · 20/01/2024 20:41

I think that taking responsibility for yourself might help. Your DH certainly isn't helping you, but what if you told him you were going to stop? Would he stop buying it then? Maybe tell him to stop buying alcohol, and if he does buy it just give it away.
If you stop blaming your husband you might find the strength you need within yourself to stop.

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 20/01/2024 20:45

Have you actually told him that you are not happy with your level of drinking, it's affecting your health and you want to stop? And that you need him to stop bringing alcohol into the house as you can't say no once it's there, and it's making you feel terrible? He probably does just think (stupidly) that you like it and he's doing a nice thing.

Original poster
zollapaloza · 20/01/2024 20:48

Thingsthatgo · 20/01/2024 20:41

I think that taking responsibility for yourself might help. Your DH certainly isn't helping you, but what if you told him you were going to stop? Would he stop buying it then? Maybe tell him to stop buying alcohol, and if he does buy it just give it away.
If you stop blaming your husband you might find the strength you need within yourself to stop.

I agree that I should take responsibility for myself. I don't blame my husband for my addiction but he isn't really helping if he's going to Costco and buying cases of wine

OP posts:
Coldupnorth7 · 20/01/2024 20:52

If it was food, he'd be a feeder.

Really is toxic stuff, alcohol is common but it's not innocuous.

Original poster
zollapaloza · 20/01/2024 21:01

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 20/01/2024 20:45

Have you actually told him that you are not happy with your level of drinking, it's affecting your health and you want to stop? And that you need him to stop bringing alcohol into the house as you can't say no once it's there, and it's making you feel terrible? He probably does just think (stupidly) that you like it and he's doing a nice thing.

Yes I absolutely have. We had an argument one night, nothing bad and probably me winding him up about something minor, it really was minor but as u you do you say sorry and grovel a bit when you're hungover. absolutely 100% told him that I didn't want to drink again and he agreed with me.. next day he'd buggererd off to Ireland and I had 2 bottles of artisan gin on my doorstep the next day

OP posts:
Original poster
zollapaloza · 20/01/2024 21:16

Thingsthatgo · 20/01/2024 20:41

I think that taking responsibility for yourself might help. Your DH certainly isn't helping you, but what if you told him you were going to stop? Would he stop buying it then? Maybe tell him to stop buying alcohol, and if he does buy it just give it away.
If you stop blaming your husband you might find the strength you need within yourself to stop.

Thanks for your reply.

OP posts:
Original poster
zollapaloza · 20/01/2024 21:20

Thingsthatgo why are you even on an alcohol addiction site if you're so intolerant. I said upthread that I'd been to AA. I think I have a problem. It's 21.30 and I've had 2 bottles of wine already

OP posts:
dyspraadhauwtaf63 · 20/01/2024 21:48

Blaming your husband is not the way forward! Yes he should stop supplying the alcohol ,but you need to make it clear that you will buy your own booze! Then you are responsible for yourself,rather than him .

HeadNW · 20/01/2024 21:53

You have to decide if you want to stop. It doesn’t matter what your husband does to enable you. Do YOU want to stop?

If you do, get help. It’s unlikely willpower alone will help you squash a 2 bottles of wine a night habit.

AA can be an absolute lifesaver.

You don’t have to be drinking vodka in the morning and have lost everything to be an alcoholic or need help quitting. If I were you I’d have a serious think about prioritising getting help to stop now, before you make yourself very ill.

Nestofwalnuts · 20/01/2024 21:56

Next time he brings some wine, take it straight around to a neighbour and give it away. Or just open it and pour it straight down the sink in front of him and say, 'I asked you to support me in drinking less." Keep doing this until he stops buying it. I wonder if he gets a vicarious kick from you drinking it when he can't. That, or he gets a kick from having the willpower to stop when you don't.

If you can't stop completely, can you slow down by putting a small glass of wine into a pint glass and topping it up with ice and sparkling water. That way every 125ml glass is diluted 3 parts water to 1 part wine, which will slow down the speed at which you get through a bottle. And rehydrate you as you drink. Same with G&T. Just add ice and loads of tonic.

Original poster
zollapaloza · 20/01/2024 22:01

Nestofwalnuts · 20/01/2024 21:56

Next time he brings some wine, take it straight around to a neighbour and give it away. Or just open it and pour it straight down the sink in front of him and say, 'I asked you to support me in drinking less." Keep doing this until he stops buying it. I wonder if he gets a vicarious kick from you drinking it when he can't. That, or he gets a kick from having the willpower to stop when you don't.

If you can't stop completely, can you slow down by putting a small glass of wine into a pint glass and topping it up with ice and sparkling water. That way every 125ml glass is diluted 3 parts water to 1 part wine, which will slow down the speed at which you get through a bottle. And rehydrate you as you drink. Same with G&T. Just add ice and loads of tonic.

I really love your ideas ❤️

OP posts:
Original poster
zollapaloza · 20/01/2024 22:07

dyspraadhauwtaf63 · 20/01/2024 21:48

Blaming your husband is not the way forward! Yes he should stop supplying the alcohol ,but you need to make it clear that you will buy your own booze! Then you are responsible for yourself,rather than him .

I absolutely agree. I don't actually buy any alcohol. Never have done. Was absolutely shocked that bottle of Gordon's gin was £19 for a litre

OP posts:
OliviaSW1 · 20/01/2024 22:19

You recognise that you have an addiction to alcohol. It may be a physical addition or it may be a psychological addiction. Either way you know you have to deal with it. The very first thing is to sit your husband down tomorrow and tell him to stop buying you alcohol. Then, you should take some time to look at what options are available to help you stop drinking. William Porter’s book Alcohol Explained is excellent , as is Allen Carr’s Stop Drinking Now. Good luck , you can do this.

Original poster
zollapaloza · 20/01/2024 22:27

Thank you OLivia

OP posts:
HalloumiGeller · 20/01/2024 22:36

I think it's quite frankly horrible that your DH is buying you this much alcohol when he KMOWS you want to stop! My DP is drastically reducing his cannabis use and its been tough, so I'd never go out, buy it and put it in front of him!

I doubt you will be able to do this by willpower alone, you need support. I would start by reducing your intake gradually to begin with, which will 100% take willpower. But if u want it, you'll do it.

Original poster
zollapaloza · 20/01/2024 22:58

HalloumiGeller · 20/01/2024 22:36

I think it's quite frankly horrible that your DH is buying you this much alcohol when he KMOWS you want to stop! My DP is drastically reducing his cannabis use and its been tough, so I'd never go out, buy it and put it in front of him!

I doubt you will be able to do this by willpower alone, you need support. I would start by reducing your intake gradually to begin with, which will 100% take willpower. But if u want it, you'll do it.

Thanks sweetheart.I have always said ( knocking on 20 years) that I would never let my-husband drink as much as he lets me x

OP posts:
Mountainclimber2024 · 20/01/2024 23:08

He seems like the feeders off my 600lb life but alcohol is your addiction not food.

Alcoholism by proxy?

He's killing you. Are you worth a lot dead?

Get help. Go away for a week’s detox just on your own. Heal. Reflect.

You have to want to though too.

If you continue as you are you know what the next 20 years of your life will look like. If you want a different life quitting alcohol will open up new opportunities for that too. This is what I tell myself. It’s hard. I want to find out who I am and what I can achieve without alcohol being my focus at 6pm everyday.

I have committed to being sober for the first year of my fifties after Dry January. Doing Snowdonia this year will be so much easier after being sober for 6 months, this is my first goal.

Original poster
zollapaloza · 20/01/2024 23:15

Mountainclimber2024 · 20/01/2024 23:08

He seems like the feeders off my 600lb life but alcohol is your addiction not food.

Alcoholism by proxy?

He's killing you. Are you worth a lot dead?

Get help. Go away for a week’s detox just on your own. Heal. Reflect.

You have to want to though too.

If you continue as you are you know what the next 20 years of your life will look like. If you want a different life quitting alcohol will open up new opportunities for that too. This is what I tell myself. It’s hard. I want to find out who I am and what I can achieve without alcohol being my focus at 6pm everyday.

I have committed to being sober for the first year of my fifties after Dry January. Doing Snowdonia this year will be so much easier after being sober for 6 months, this is my first goal.

Edited

Thanks sweetheart are you ok?

OP posts: