I wasn’t sure where to post this but I’m just so sad and need to offload. I’m in my early 40s and my dad died of liver failure 15 years ago, it was a really stressful time. Mine and my siblings childhood was ok on the outside, but marred really by his physical violence towards my mum, emotional abuse of us, time spent in a refuge and just the general unpredictability.
I thought it was all over when he died, I was distraught and loved him, but kind of thought I could move on.
But very quickly I realised that my mum is also alcohol dependent (she had been divorced from him for years before he died) and even though I am an old adult (!) with my own family and happy life, she still has that abusive hold over me, I never know if she is going to be kind or nasty, and sometimes she just flips. She’s quite narcissistic and turns everything back on me. I live reasonably far away from her now and mostly just talk to her on messenger, but some evenings she’ll randomly start an argument and get horrible. I go through stages of muting her or just not talking to her for months. But then I feel guilty. It’s like my dad all over again.
I'm so tired of it and so sad. I feel like I should know better and know what to do. Why do I even feel sad? I’m used to it by now and know how this ends, I need to just get on with my own life.