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Alcohol support

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Original poster

Very difficult situation and alcohol

30 replies

nobodysdaughternow · 26/10/2023 08:35

My dh is an alcoholic. He gave up in March, went to AA. He's previously given up for 3 years so he hid all his drinking from me, so when I found out, I told him he either stopped or moved out.

We found out in July that our middle son is terminally ill with a neurodegenerative condition. We have just finished a downstairs bedroom for him because he has lost so many cognitive and physical skills, he do stairs.

Dh started drinking again 3 weeks ago. I need his help with ds' care so this time I said he could stay as long as he drank openly and didn't hide anything.

It's been okay but last night I think he must have drunk a lot more because he was sullen and pretty knocked out.

My dilemma is this - we were going to alternate sleeping downstairs to provide nighttime care for ds. Atm I share his room and he wakes 8+ times and needs help to settle. Dh is impossible to wake when he drinks so the only option would be to ask him to only drink every other night.

Which I'm worried he can't do.

I am well schooled in living with a drinker since my Dad was an alcoholic. I married a better version of him, but still managed to achieve the well-worn cliche, despite years of therapy.

I need practical advice. I am struggling with sleep deprivation and could use some respite. We also have two other kids who are suffering due to their brother's illness and I want to limit the impact on them.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 26/10/2023 08:38

Can you honestly trust him to not drink on the nights he is in charge ?
Considering he’s an alcoholic I’d bet not.

Ohmylovejune · 26/10/2023 08:39

Speak to your husband. Quietly and seriously.

He gave up for 3 years. He can do it again. This time it's to be able to spend quality time with his son who won't be around forever. Most parents would rate that above even themselves.

Hes probably turned to drink as his only known coping mechanism for stress. Maybe book yourselves into therapy as this is a dreadfully difficult time for you all.

Original poster
nobodysdaughternow · 26/10/2023 08:39

No, I can't trust him at all. My friends don't get alcohol addiction and think I can just tell him and he'll be able too.

OP posts:
Original poster
nobodysdaughternow · 26/10/2023 08:41

Yup, definitely using alcohol to cope. He's a misery without it but I can cope with that.

He does the typical thing of feeling huge shame which just makes him drink more.

OP posts:
Original poster
nobodysdaughternow · 26/10/2023 08:43

I'm just trying to get through each hour atm. I can barely function and the burden of alcohol is too much. I can't cope with it.

I am having therapy but we can't afford it for dh as he is on a very low wage and I don't work because of ds' care needs.

OP posts:
Ohmylovejune · 26/10/2023 08:43

I don't think you'll be able to do.it on your own but I'd like to think.if he genuinely gave up before he can again if he wants to. Hence the therapy and developing coping mechanisms and dealing with the root (shame etc). As you are also going through a traumatic time it might be useful for you both, if you can afford it.

Good luck. So so sorry to hear about your son.

Azandme · 26/10/2023 08:44

I know you want him there to help with the children, but if he is drinking he won't make things easier for you and your children, he'll make it much, much harder.

Whilst he is drinking anything at all you can't trust him with any care roles - the risk is too great.

I'd throw him out until he's sober. Yes, it will be hard, but much less stressful for you.

Ohmylovejune · 26/10/2023 08:47

Can DH access therapy though his GP?

I was given sessions of therapy on the NHS when I was first on the scene at a fatal vehicle accident.

If not the NHS then a charity linked to AA or your sons condition might be able to support?

Bimblesalong · 26/10/2023 08:48

I’m sorry for your son’s illness. You need support at this time and he’s not able to provide it for so many reasons.

When MIL was dying and we were tag teaming care between two of us the district nurses told us of a volunteer system where people would sit by the bedside and alert us if things got very difficult. Worth enquiring if there is any similar system to give you some respite whilst ensuring ds’ care.

rosie1959 · 26/10/2023 08:50

You are in a difficult position but your husband has really got to step up and be a dad he is an AA member I suggest he reaches out and take all the help which will be offered if he wants it. He has to stop being so bloody selfish he should know that drinking solves nothing and only makes matters worse.
I do understand the alcoholic I have been sober in AA for many years the helps there if he truly wants it.

rosie1959 · 26/10/2023 08:52

A kind though Ohmylovejunebut there are no charities linked to AA

Original poster
nobodysdaughternow · 26/10/2023 08:57

He stopped going to AA before he took up drinking again. I suggested getting counselling via the NHS but he has to want to do it and I'm not sure he does.

It is such a fucking mess.

OP posts:
Original poster
nobodysdaughternow · 26/10/2023 08:58

Bimblesalong · 26/10/2023 08:48

I’m sorry for your son’s illness. You need support at this time and he’s not able to provide it for so many reasons.

When MIL was dying and we were tag teaming care between two of us the district nurses told us of a volunteer system where people would sit by the bedside and alert us if things got very difficult. Worth enquiring if there is any similar system to give you some respite whilst ensuring ds’ care.

Good suggestion re: volunteer help at night. I will look into that.

OP posts:
Brocollimatilda · 26/10/2023 09:05

I have a severely disabled child and am close to an alcoholic.

I think you need to assume that at the moment you cannot rely on your husband’s support. I would talk to him seriously about that but tell him you need to look at alternatives to ensure you can continue to care for your son at home because you can see that at the moment he is drinking. That may be enough for him to realise he needs to get his drinking sorted (unfortunately, probably not) but as you know the decision to stop can only come from him.

In the meantime I would talk to social services about a night care package - or ask for direct payments so you can employ someone to help out. You definitely cannot provide all the support yourself and unless your husband becomes sober again he is not going to be able to help. It would end up a safeguarding issue as well.

I’m sorry OP it sounds really difficult.

2023forme · 26/10/2023 13:45

I’m an alcoholic @nobodysdaughternow and I feel for you in this extremely difficult and challenging situation.

I’m not an every day drinker so I’m not physically addicted but your DH may be. If not, could he comit to dry days knowing he can have other drinking days? Obviously not ideal but could be a damage limitation strategy at least in the short term. If he is physically addicted and has withdrawal symptoms, this won’t work as the desire to drink to relieve the symptoms will be too strong.

I really feel for you and hope you can get some help with your situation 💐

LaviniasBigBloomers · 26/10/2023 13:52

I am so sorry to hear about this. I think the only thing you can do is compartmentalise ruthlessly.

You can't trust your H to do overnight care so put that thought right out of your head and seek other support. Your social worker or HV should be able to point you in the right direction for respite care. You need to explain to them that you are essentially doing it by yourself and see what they can help you with.

Also check up on benefits, terminally ill children qualify for DLA and you will likely qualify for carers allowance. This will help you keep the boat afloat and is what it is for. Make sure it goes into your account, not a joint account.

For DH, you sit him down once and once only and you tell him that his drinking can't be tolerated or engaged with, and you leave him to it. You are not there to mind or manage him, he's choosing to engage in this behaviour because he can't cope with your son's illness - it is MONSTROUSLY unfair to leave you carrying the can, in return you need to shut down that part of yourself that cares about him and just get on with caring for your DC.

AlAnon can help you, if you have the time/headspace for it.

user14699084664 · 26/10/2023 14:09

What a lot to cope with OP, I’m really sorry about your son.
This will sound brutal, but I think it depends on your boys life expectancy. A matter of weeks, and i guess you’ve just got to muddle on as best you can.
If it’s longer term, months, years (hopefully years) then you can’t do this alone with a partner who can’t be trusted to be sober. I think I’d be so cross with him that I’d rather he left.
We have a children’s hospice in our area that provide respite care, and also help for siblings I hope there is similar near you.

OhComeOnFFS · 26/10/2023 14:16

I'm so sorry about your son. You must be split in so many directions and must be totally exhausted.

I think it would be easier if your husband wasn't there. He's spending any spare money (you will never have the money for therapy while he's drinking) and he's a drain on the whole family.

I think you'll find people will be more willing to help you if you're on your own and you'd get more financial support, too. If you were my friend I wouldn't want to help you at night if your husband was pissed in the other room - I'd be so resentful. If you were on your own, though, I would help you willingly.

Original poster
nobodysdaughternow · 26/10/2023 15:20

Thanks for all the kind replies.

Prognosis is unclear atm until he has his MRI in a couple of weeks. It could be up to three years, during which time, his needs with increase.

I have contacted my counsellor who is clear dh needs to re-engage with AA and find other support to give up.

I loathe living with an alcoholic - he's a lovely person but drinking addiction enhances no one does it?

Personally, I am numb enough right now to not worry about splitting up and living separately.

I spoke to dh today while he was at work. He is very sorry and suggested cutting down, but I just don't think that's gonna work. He blew my trust completely when he hid his drinking for 6 months so I would be stupid to trust him now.

OP posts:
Brocollimatilda · 26/10/2023 20:06

It sounds like it has come to the end of the road for you. I get it. You have to focus on your son and if you are worrying about your husband’s drinking then you can’t. I completely understand why it would be too much to deal with.

If he’s talking about cutting down then he really doesn’t sound ready to stop - and that is going to end up being a nightmare for you. It’s a pity he doesn’t understand that.

LaviniasBigBloomers · 26/10/2023 23:34

Thing is, cutting down is only going to be a temporary measure, isn't it? It will build back up because it always builds back up.

I'm so sorry, this is so hard for you. But I have to say, after having recently lost a sibling from cancer (my point is that we knew he was dying) we had a lot of joy in that last year. And you also have the opportunity to have similar moments of joy. You deserve that without worrying that your H is going to be pished out of his face for them.

Beckafett · 26/10/2023 23:39

My practical advice, given you are in a horrific world of agony, is that you put in a 'cope' pending your sons prognosis.
I'd set some boundaries and rules for now and identify all and any support you can access.
I am so sorry; this sounds a terrible situation for you all x

Original poster
nobodysdaughternow · 28/10/2023 04:04

I think I am gonna ask dh to move out if he wants to continue drinking. I actually think he needs to move out because even if he commits to stopping and re-engages with support, he is gonna need to build up my trust.

I feel guilty about this but I don't want to live with an active alcoholic.

We have a social worker because of our situation and I range her on Friday and left a message to say I needed her help.

I feel my friends and dh's parents want me to allow him to live at home and encourage him to try and give up.

I am extra sensitive to this because of my experience as a child of an alcoholic.

OP posts:
Sunseaandsand1 · 28/10/2023 05:13

I’m so sorry to read what you’re going through. My husband was an alcoholic. He did the Allen Carr course one day & hasn’t had a drink since, that was 6 years ago. I also had an addiction (smoking) & did a similar course with this company & I haven’t smoked since (7 years). It’s weird the way it works but genuinely, neither of us miss the booze/smoking & the most weird thing is that, for both of us, it was easy to stop, there was very little/no withdrawal symptoms. We were both very skeptical that it would work & neither of us felt particularly motivated to give up when we to the course, we just showed up. I don’t have an association with this company I’m posting because we were in a bad situation & this course was life changing for us. Get your husband to do the group course & I feel he’d probably get the most benefit from doing it in person, rather than online. It’s about £350 & is the best money I’ve ever spent. https://www.allencarr.com/easyway-stop-drinking/

How to stop drinking alcohol – programmes to help you quit

Quit drinking alcohol for good using Allen Carr's famous Easyway to stop drinking method. Choose from online seminars, face-to-face sessions and online videos.

https://www.allencarr.com/easyway-stop-drinking/

Rainbowqueeen · 28/10/2023 05:53

I’m so sorry. What a tough situation.

I would seek outside help with DS and life in general. Speak to DSs medical team and your GP about options. Then focus on DS and your other children.

Sending you strength