Very difficult situation and alcohol

[nobodysdaughternow]

My dh is an alcoholic. He gave up in March, went to AA. He's previously given up for 3 years so he hid all his drinking from me, so when I found out, I told him he either stopped or moved out.

We found out in July that our middle son is terminally ill with a neurodegenerative condition. We have just finished a downstairs bedroom for him because he has lost so many cognitive and physical skills, he do stairs.

Dh started drinking again 3 weeks ago. I need his help with ds' care so this time I said he could stay as long as he drank openly and didn't hide anything.

It's been okay but last night I think he must have drunk a lot more because he was sullen and pretty knocked out.

My dilemma is this - we were going to alternate sleeping downstairs to provide nighttime care for ds. Atm I share his room and he wakes 8+ times and needs help to settle. Dh is impossible to wake when he drinks so the only option would be to ask him to only drink every other night.

Which I'm worried he can't do.

I am well schooled in living with a drinker since my Dad was an alcoholic. I married a better version of him, but still managed to achieve the well-worn cliche, despite years of therapy.

I need practical advice. I am struggling with sleep deprivation and could use some respite. We also have two other kids who are suffering due to their brother's illness and I want to limit the impact on them.

As someone who has also been involved with alcoholics as parents and partners I think asking him to move out is probably sensible.

You have enough on your plate without another adult to worry about. As much as sleep deprivation and all the other things that go with caring will get to you by doing it by yourself (even with brought in help be that paid or voluntary) you'd have all of that on your days plus not being able to relax even when it was his turn because "what if?" if he were to stay. Its a whole added layer of issues, worry and grief when he should be an equal in the partnership that is caring for a terminal child, he should have your back and you've already said you can't trust him - truth is he probably feels he can't trust himself either.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I think asking him to move out is the right way forward - it’s tough but you will probably find you have more “headspace” if you’re not trying to look after DH as well.

And ignore what you think friends and DH’s family think you should do - the fact DH offered to “cut down” (yeah right) rather than stop tells you all you need to know. (And I speak as someone with an alcohol problem).

Oh, OP, I am so sorry.

I think the best use of your energy (a miracle if you have any) is to focus on any alternative sources of help for caring for your son.

These may be relevant:

https://www.nhs.uk/services/service-directory/the-respite-association-national-charity/N10919576

https://www.scope.org.uk/advice-and-support/finding-respite-care-short-breaks/

There may me a charity associated with the specific condition your Ds has?

Also talk to your Social Worker. There may be Direct Payments for respite, in which case you may be able to employ a carer overnight once or twice a week? Be emphatic about how your other children are suffering.

Does your SW know about your H’s alcoholism?

The only thing in this world that is true is that everyone wants someone else to solve their problems for them. That's not a bad thing- wouldn't it be brilliant? - but it's not a helpful thing for you right now. OF COURSE everyone around DH wants you to sort him out. That doesn't mean you have to. Getting him to move out sounds like the best solution all round.

In your situation I would have to ask my husband to move out. To start drinking again while all this is happening is the very epitome of selfishness and I wouldn’t be able to bear to have to be act normal to my husband.

He would be more likely to pull himself together, too. Seeing as he seems more worried about his own self interest than yours or even his sons.