Is it true you can be born an alcoholic?

[Unwella]

I’m struggling with this concept as DP has said that both his GP, his detox support team and those in his AA group all say that this is true. It is genetic and a disease. Is this correct?

it feels like he uses this to justify getting his own way. He is AF after his time away in detox but I feel he is even more emboldened and obnoxious than he was when he was drinking.

I’ve written this post loads of times as I just want to leave him but I feel I can’t due to feeling worried about him relapsing and pity at how vulnerable he can be at times (the other part is aggressive and argumentative). But I don’t really love him, his behaviour over the years has erased those feelings. I feel like I am in a loveless marriage.

please help me.

It sounds like you have very good reasons to want to leave him. Whether or not he was born an alcoholic, or whether or not it is an illness is irrelevant. It sounds like he is not nice to you whether he is drinking or not, and you don't have to put up with that. You are not responsible for his mental health, and to be fair it doesn't sound like he gives a damn about how his behaviour is effecting yours.

You don't need any more excuses you need to leave or ask him to leave. You don't sound happy and your other half doesn't seem to be taking responsibility for his choices. Sorry OP focus on yourself 💐

I think it probably is, some people just have the circuits in the brain that light the fuck up with alcohol, make them feel great and able to converse. Other people can take it or leave it. Just leave him though, doesn't mean you have to stay with someone.

“It is not your fault. It is your responsibility”

This is from a really helpful set of “things about addiction” written by Laura McKowen. AA does believe that alcoholism is a disease, but not everyone agrees with that. I certainly don’t. On the other hand, I could point to all the hard things in my life that led me to have a problem with alcohol, but this mantra - it’s not your fault, it is your responsibility- has helped to steer me away from that.

So even if it were genetic, that doesn’t give your H free rein to treat you badly and expect you to deal with it.

I think that you can be born with a pre disposition to alcoholism, but that its far from guaranteed that you would become one even so. Regardless, you're not responsible for him, and if he relapses that would be unfortunate but you would be in no way shape or form be to blame. Actually, why not turn it around - if (as he says/according to him) he was born that way, there's no point you staying. You can't help him change his make up any more than you can help change his eye colour if he was born like that right? I think you should leave, and that wanting to leave is more than enough reason. You've done what you can, don't sacrifice yourself to his illness. If he really wants to change he eventually will and if he doesn't he never will, you can't do anything about that. Right now it sounds like he doesn't want to change. You only get one life, you deserve to live it for yourself. Don't waste more years of your life on it. Good luck.

Thank you, I’ve clicked on the thanks emoji too.

He has absolute no regard for me nor his DC feelings. A simple discussion about my concerns about his treatment and medication can result in me being shouted at and told the GP is the expert not me. I didn’t mean to sound like I was lecturing, but having lurked on numerous threads on here, I wanted him to know I was worried about the affects his medication could have on him as he is irritable, tired or dismissive to me and DDs.

Plus another ‘discussion’ just now about why DD hates long sleeved school shirts meant he couldn’t understand why she was upset. To him her argument is illogical and unreasonable, he really believes we don’t need to buy her shorter sleeved ones and he refuses to see why long sleeves are so distressing her.

these are examples of the daily battles and debates I have with him. Then when I muster courage to start to leave, I get the guilt pangs as he starts to be the man I fell in love with and I want to look after him. Then he starts with his defensiveness and entitlement and I hate him again. Rinse, repeat.

How do I finally break free and not feel the guilt?? I don’t love him, I don’t want to be with him and yet there is a part of me that is scared to leave. I don’t know why.

It’s very helpful hearing you all tell me it is his responsibility. He always makes it sound like I just have to accept that his alcoholism will be present in our relationship, whether he drinks or not.

I just wish my brain would catch up and allow me to take the steps to leave. I don’t feel like we are healthy and loving like we once were years back. I think him now being AF has felt like he looks down on me and that others, particularly those in his support group, his Gp, his family understand him more and he favours their opinions over mine. It hurts me so much considering I’ve put up with years of him being awful and waiting for him to change back to the man I first met.

@Lonesomefetter yes, I agree with this, I’ve heard neuroscientists mention that some people get much more of a buzz high from alcohol than others.

Yes it's a genetic predisposition. It's why alcoholism runs in families. But it doesn't mean you have to stay with him.

I was like you op, my dad was an alcoholic and I married one (🙄). I don't drink and neither do my sisters so it's not a given that he will drink too.

As for your husband, he will look for any reason to carry on drinking. My ex was like this, went to rehab but didn't engage with the process and started drinking again. He manipulated everyone around him to facilitate his drinking ( mainly his dad) and one day announced that he wasn't prepared to live life in sobriety. That was when all love I had for him died and we split. He died of an alcohol related illness a couple of years ago.
And I just felt relief.

You really need to go to al anon, which is a support group for families. They made me see that there was nothing I could do to change the situation, only help myself. I'm so glad I did. I wasn't going to be pulled down with him.

You WILL get to the point of not really caring any more. Maybe not now, but it will happen as the brain can only take so much.

Good luck and I hope you find a way through this.

al-anonuk.org.uk/

The thing is, OP, it doesn't matter if alcoholism is genetic or not. It doesn't matter if it's his fault or it isn't. It doesn't even matter if he's drinking or abstaining at the moment. The ONLY think that matters is that he is horrible to you and unkind to your DC. That's why you need to leave him.

I do believe there is a genetic component for a predisposition towards addiction.

But that doesn't mean you have to stay with him. I'm disabled due to a congenital abnormality. I'm sure plenty of men would choose not to date me because of it, even though its not my fault, because they don't want to add the complications into their lives and that's okay.

Your body doesn't have to conform to some kind of equal opportunities agenda. You have the right to decide you dont want something in your life regardless of whether it's genetic or not.

You want to leave him? So do.
Whether it’s a genetic disease or not isn’t relevant. You say you don’t love him. You describe him as aggressive.
Whether he drinks after your split isn’t your fault. You can’t save this man and he’s not your responsibility.

I think you just have to go ahead and start taking the steps to leave, one at a time. You will feel guilty, you shouldn't, but you can't help how you feel. That doesn't mean you shouldn't do it anyway. Once you have actually left, I suspect you and the DC will be massively relieved and happier.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Have you heard of the expression "dry drunk"? It's when someone has stopped drinking but not dealt with the issues or changed their behaviour. This may be what is happening.

But either way you have a right to be happy too so do what you need to lead a good life.

I think you're amazing - living with an addict is so hard. Give yourself credit for surviving so long.

I agree that al-anon will have good support for you and you will find that other partners have had similar concerns

Best of luck as you move forwards xxx

It is not your responsibility if he relapses OP. While he may have a predisposition to becoming an alcoholic he can still choose not to start drinking again. If he decides to punish you and himself by drinking again because you've left him then that is his choice. You cannot control him or his choices and you should not allow him to control you or yours.
The guilt might make it hard to leave - but imagine the relief you will feel when you do leave.

Thank you everyone for the huge encouragement. I have got to take these steps don’t I??

like many of you have said, it is not just the drink that is the issue. @Janefx40 He is definitely a dry drunk and it is his awful behaviour towards me. He doesn’t love me does he? He just wants to control me.

My mother in law is an alcoholic. Unfortunately she prioritised drinking over everything else, and has ended up living in a care home with a form of alcohol related brain damage.

Before she suffered brain damage, she prioritised drinking over her son, grandson and family. It used to really irritate me, as we would go to visit her and my DH's family (they are overseas) for a couple of weeks, and she would see us for no more than an afternoon, despite having booked the time off work, simply because she preferred to go drinking. She would then message us in the following weeks to say she had just been out for a walk etc (which I didn't believe, but if true made me more angry because she could have gone on walks with us). I found her manipulative and unpleasant, and the sad truth is that it is possible for someone to be an alcoholic and just not a very nice person. It is sad that her life has been reduced to what it is now but there's nothing that can be done about it and it was a path of her own making.

My DH is not an alcoholic, and is a wonderful man and father, as well as the love of my life. There is a genetic predisposition to heavy drinking. But that does not mean it is inevitable that the child of an alcoholic will become one, or that they are somehow absolved of any responsibility for their actions.

OP, life is short. Please cut yourself free of this person who does not sound like they have your best interests at heart. You deserve more from this one life that you have. It will be hard because change always is, and you are in a well established pattern of behaviour here, but a few months is probably all it will take to undo the old patterns of behaviour and replace them with new, happier routines.

Wishing you the best of luck.

It doesn't matter even if he does love you (he'll probably say he does when you start trying to leave). The point is that you're not happy and you don't love him.

Oh OP, I hear you and am sending you best wishes, hope and the ability to find the strength to leave, and pray that I can do the same, since I am in a very similar position!

My mum was alcoholic, a former partner was a secret drinker until she ended up in ICU with pancreatitis and nearly died and now, once again, I seem to be in yet another relationship with one who has a very unhealthy alliance with alcohol, but openly told me this weekend that this is simply who she is, she is not going to change and that she likes to drink heavily when she goes out, binge drinks, chats up other men, flirts outrageously and seems to be proud of it and wears it like a badge of honour. I am at the end of my tether with it all, know I cannot stop any of it, know that it is going to get worse as time goes on, know that I have to leave to protect my own mental and emotional health and well being, but still cannot make that final step, hopeful that I CAN change her. But I also know that I can't! I did not cause it, I am not responsible for it, I cannot change it.

I actually attended my first Al Anon meeting last night - not yet sure that it is for me, but am seeking help, guidance and comfort wherever I can.

Sending you strength and all good wishes OP

Of course you should leave him if you want to. You can't waste your whole life on a pity project, you only get one. If he relapses it's on him it's not your problem.

This is such a great post.

It doesn’t really matter whether it is or not. You said you feel like you are in a loveless marriage so either things need or change or you need to end it. You sound a bit done in with it all tbh.

Get to al-anon if you can. You didn’t cause this, you can’t change this. You can only look out for yourself and your children. Life is short and there’s a lot of love out there from friends old and new, you don’t need to be unhappy or feel responsible for another adult.