Is it true you can be born an alcoholic?

[Unwella]

I’m struggling with this concept as DP has said that both his GP, his detox support team and those in his AA group all say that this is true. It is genetic and a disease. Is this correct?

it feels like he uses this to justify getting his own way. He is AF after his time away in detox but I feel he is even more emboldened and obnoxious than he was when he was drinking.

I’ve written this post loads of times as I just want to leave him but I feel I can’t due to feeling worried about him relapsing and pity at how vulnerable he can be at times (the other part is aggressive and argumentative). But I don’t really love him, his behaviour over the years has erased those feelings. I feel like I am in a loveless marriage.

please help me.

You don't have to put up with this but I hear that irritability and mood swings are part of the recovery process. Ever seen someone grumpy on a diet? It's worse with alcohol. When you drink you numb so many emotions when you're sober you are flooded by the internal and external emotions. You don't have to support him or stay but it's part of the process, I think.

i don’t believe that model, if you follow that to its logical conclusion it means that someone might be born with the disease of alcoholism irrespective of whether or not they ever drink alcohol. Alcohol like other drugs is addictive and some people who consume it will become addicted. If you don’t consume alcohol you won’t. I know there is a school of thought that addiction is genetic but I think it’s more like learned behaviour and what you have round you.

but those are my thoughts. AA say it is a disease. What counts is what helps people get and stay sober and there’s more than one way to do that

“It is not your fault. It is your responsibility”

YES!!

No.

Have you ever seen a baby necking pints?

He is making you focus on him, his disease, his diagnosis, how he feels, how it affects him, whether it is genetic or whatever. Controlling, unloving and mean.

None of that is relevant to the crucial issue:

You no longer want to be with him. You think he is a negative influence on you and your children. You want to be free.

You can be free. You just have to leave him. Stop with the discussions about if a baby is born addicted etc etc. Who cares? you no longer want to be with him and you owe him nothing.

You don't have to explain to him or get permission from him to leave him. If he jumps into a vat of whiskey when you go, that's his choice - not yours.

OP, just live your live and make choices for you and your children based on what suits YOU best - not him. He already prioritises himself over you and anyone else.

Sorry I’ve been slow to respond. I’ve just read all your comments, thank you all. I sympathasise with others going through this but I no longer feel sorry for him or care if it’s genetic. I don’t care for him but I do for others going through this.

@Pallisers You are right as this might be why he is always being so mean to me. He does put his own needs before ours, this hasn’t changed now he’s AF. My guilty pangs are gradually going if I keep remembering his selfishness. I don’t think he likes me very much as he’s chatty to visitors, DC, family when they’re over. I just get one word answers or sighs. It’s soul destroying. Or he picks fights like he has just now. @pointlesslady you are probably right about his irritation connected with detox but again it’s hard to feel sympathy for someone who can make me feel small or feels a constant need to criticises me.

I've read somewhere that some people have an addictive gene.
Even so, thats not an excuse for him to fall on.
Everyone is ultimately responsible for their own behaviour. He's an adult.
If he wants to run his own life by continuing to drink that's up to him.
You say he's not particularly nice even when he's not drinking.
You only have one life. If his behaviour is making you and your family miserable then he's not thinking about anyone else. He's selfish.
You can't be responsible if he relapses. Give yourself permission to let go of that responsibility. He isn't your child. You aren't his crutch.
Don't let him drag you down.

He is dragging me down. I have found it really tiring and upsetting processing his years of gaslighting me into thinking I was the issue, when it was probably the hidden and then visible alcohol abuse. He is getting the help, but the damage he has caused and his inability to see this has made me really upset and frustrated.

In AA meetings do you think he gets to see this or is he indulged? I’m sorry that is how I feel as I do think he blames me for his woes.

AA meetings are peer support so there is definitely going to be understanding, although there may be some who challenge. The 12 steps do include getting people to face up to the damage they have inflicted on others - but my understanding is that is about personal reflection so some will be more able to do that than others.

You sound like you have reached the end of the road - and that’s all you need to know really. You are allowed to walk away from him. I’m sorry, it sounds really hard.