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Original poster

Can an alcoholic switch to drinking moderately

50 replies

Indiaplain · 07/10/2023 07:16

My parents are functioning alcoholics - not ever really acknowledged by them but they moved to France 15 years ago and the cheap wine and expat culture meant their already regular drinking just increased. DF was drinking around 3 bottles of red per day, and his hobby is brewing beer which he is constantly testing.

DM not as bad , maybe a bottle of white wine per day but more when socialising .

Anyway - they had a scare from their doctor re liver function etc and DM happily mentioned they have cut down to one glass per day but 'a few' at weekends. Initially I was relieved and now questioning the reality. Would it really be that easy to cut down? DM always glosses over things and puts a positive spin and has been known to hide uncomfortable truths.

I can't visit to check how they actually are atm but just wondering what people's experiences are with alcoholics deciding to drink moderately. I want to be reassured but just worried still.

OP posts:
Lovelyautumncolours · 07/10/2023 07:20

No I don't think they can drink moderately - maybe at first but I read somewhere that within 6 months an alcoholic will be back to the levels of drinking they were at before cutting down.

So right now they are scared by what the doctors have said but there is a thing called fading affect bias which means after a while they start thinking I wasn't that bad and I'm ok now and drinking levels go up again.

Oldhabitsarehardtobreak · 07/10/2023 07:23

I don’t think so.
They may be able to in the short term but it soon increases back to previous levels.
I have several alcoholics in my family and DH’s, and was a previous heavy drinker myself. The ones who have tried to moderate end up back where they were before, the ones who go AF fare better but, sadly, even a couple of those have returned to drinking.

DustyLee123 · 07/10/2023 07:35

I doubt it.
Do you think you could change the situation if you knew the truth ?

determinedtomakethiswork · 07/10/2023 07:44

Is the weekend Friday, Saturday and Sunday then?

Andante57 · 07/10/2023 07:50

They may be able to in the short term but it soon increases back to previous levels.

This. Alcoholism is a progressive illness which can be controlled by abstention. .

BettyPhuckzer · 07/10/2023 07:56

No. If there is an addiction only total abstinence can keep that addiction under control

However I used to THINK that my best friend was an alcoholic. Functioning ....but my lord, the amount she drank 🥺

Now she's indifferent and can take it or leave it

The only change appears to be the menopause 😳

Newmum738 · 07/10/2023 07:58

No, I don't think they can drink moderately. They might try, but I think we all know how difficult that is so for someone with an alcohol addiction at say it's impossible. My mum has a problematic relationship with alcohol and she always turns to it when things are difficult. No matter how little she drinks in between.

Shraree · 07/10/2023 08:00

I think its possible. Everyone's relationship with alcohol is different. I drank loads during my 20s (everyday). I was always the last one up at parties - always the drunkest, always took everything a bit too far. I turned my life around in my 30s and now I drink, but in moderation.
I don't think I was necessarily an alcoholic but I had a problem with drinking and an unhealthy relationship with it.

Loopytiles · 07/10/2023 08:03

Unlikely. Would assume their drinking will continue to be problematic.

Rocknrollstar · 07/10/2023 08:40

I’m afraid I have no re-assurance for you. I just want to say that only your DPs can sort out their drinking problem and not you. The mantra is
I didn’t cause it
I can’t control it
I can’t cure it

If the doctor can’t scare them into giving up, then there is nothing you or anyone can do.

Al-anon advises that you back off and look after your own mental health.

Peridot1 · 07/10/2023 08:48

I think while they may be able to cut down for a while in the culture they are in and with both of them drinking to excess it will be hard. It’s basically their entire relationship and life. I’ve been there. With expat life being so social you see everyone else drinking and it becomes the norm.

However I have seen friends go from drinking every day to only drinking at weekends or for social events. So it’s still not great but there are at least a few alcohol free days per week.

Original poster
Indiaplain · 07/10/2023 09:31

Thanks very much everyone - I have learnt so much from this board. They did give up once a few years ago for around 4/5 weeks so it was short lived. I guess what made me post this is that my sibling is very much like - well we don't need to worry about them anymore, they have sorted it. Whereas I have a feeling the moderate drinking won't last.

I haven't heard of fading effect bias, but this make sense and actually describes my fear.

It's easier not seeing them in a way as there's nothing I can do. Will see them over half term and will obviously try and gauge how they are doing but I know there's no real action I can take ..

OP posts:
annabelnw9 · 07/10/2023 15:21

My own personal experience is that it’s not possible to moderate once you have had a problem. I tried to cut down/moderate twice over six months and failed. I’ve therefore stopped completely now. In a way it’s easier to find a way to stop completely rather than be on a constant ‘alcohol diet’ with constant rules in your head about when you can and when you can’t. I think it always slips back to how it was, in the end, when you try and moderate.

NoMor · 07/10/2023 16:26

I have read that it's possible, but it really depends the reasons behind the drinking and whether they work on them.

Boundoverbyacat · 07/10/2023 16:40

Have you considered that they’re not alcoholics? People that drink too much aren’t necessarily.

FollowYourDog · 07/10/2023 16:47

If they are genuine problem drinkers then no.
To me a moderate drinker doesn't binge ever, has 2 glass max a night with several alcohol free nights a week.
People might say they moderate but they either didn't have a genuine problem with alcohol in the real sense or they consider occasionally binging is part of being a normal drinker.
It's worth noting that once you had a couple of glasses the sensible part of your brain that tells you to stop has no reliable off button in serious problem drinkers.
I.think those moderating maybe had a couple of embarrassing stories but not proper full on alcoholics.

BiscuitsandPuffin · 07/10/2023 16:53

No, it's just something alcoholics in denial convince themselves of. If you're an actual honest-to-God alcoholic rather than someone who has a bit too much for a while, the only amount of alcohol you can have is none.

My dad absolutely convinced himself that he could handle 1-2 drinks a day after being dry for four years.

He's dead.

HappyCheeks · 07/10/2023 16:55

All you can do is support them but keep your expectations low.
I haven't seen alcoholics moderate long term successfully. I've seen them lapse 5 years later and hit it hard like they drank yesterday despite their now low tolerance. It's a nasty addiction.

RosesAndHellebores · 07/10/2023 16:55

Is an alcoholic defined by the quantity they drink or whether they can control the quantity they drink? I think a heavy drinker may not be an alcoholic but a less heavy drinker, if they are dependent on alcohol may be.

What is interesting is that some people can drink a huge amount and escape liver disease whilst others may drink a more moderate amount, say 35/40 units pw (3.5 to 4 bottles) and suffer significant liver damage.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 07/10/2023 17:15

I think they will cut down for a bit but slowly creep back up to drinking more. It is the drinking daily regardless of even how little they have as the liver needs time off drink to recover. Even if they just had a few glass at the weekend. But speaking from experience with someone close they will stop for a bit or cut down but then before you know it they will be drinking lots again and they both enable each other as both drinkers. Try not to worry as no matter what you say they will turn it around or lie or hide the drinking and fooling themselves into thinking they do not have a problem. Someone I know who had liver transplant still to this day does not blame the drinking. Look after yourself and your family and try not to worry or dwell on it too much as they have to want to change themselves.

BlastedPimples · 07/10/2023 17:25

I think it's possible to moderate.

I used to drink loads. Bottle of red every night for years. Now I'll have half a bottle once or twice a week if that.

What liver scare did your parents have op?

TweedTart · 07/10/2023 18:06

I would never say it’s impossible, but in my experience, it’s highly unlikely.

The odd heavy drinker can become a moderate drinker if they get a wake up call. But alcoholics - people who struggle to control their drinking and/or use alcohol to escape life and to mask pain, boredom, discontent, discomfort etc - can’t ever be ‘normal’ drinkers. This has been my experience and observation, anyway.

Lou670 · 07/10/2023 19:09

No you can't. If they are having to control the drink, the drink is already controlling them.

Nat6999 · 07/10/2023 19:31

No, it's so easy to think another glass won't hurt. Have either of them had a medical detox? If they engage with the drug & alcohol service they could both have a community detox at the same time, it's no good one stopping & the other not because having alcohol in the house is too tempting. When late dp was trying to stop I didn't have one drink insolidarity with him.

ChaliceinWonderland · 07/10/2023 21:15

They'll die of liver disease sooner than you think, my exh is almost there . You can't help them, back away and concentrate in your own health .