Need a hand hold - day 9

[PricklyPineapple]

I've NC for this but have posted on the Alcohol Support group previously and you've all been so helpful. I'm on day 9 of being sober. The last time I didn't drink for this long was a decade ago and I have been drinking far too heavily, almost daily (especially in the past 3 years). I am so proud of myself to have got to this point. I woke up this morning feeling fine, but an ex who I never really got over reached out to me today to tell me that he still has feelings for me (he's married, with kids, and I'm also in a relationship – so obviously nothing is going to happen. We agreed to delete the conversation and just pretend it never happened). It has thrown me into a complete tailspin though. I can't stop thinking about it and I desperately want to open a bottle of wine. I know this is not a good thing to do. I have to go to a work event tonight and there will be a lot of alcohol there too. It was already going to be hard, but I felt okay about it. How do I cope with this and stay sober? Especially when I will literally have drinks being offered to me tonight.

Can you drive to remove temptation? Or announce that you are on antibiotics for an infected tooth so can’t drink - set it out clearly at the start?

I’m day 46 after hundreds of day 1s and it gets easier. Think of how great you will feel if you stay sober - both physically and emotionally. Staying sober will also reduce the chance of drunk texting the ex.

you can do this 💪❤️

Agree - hold off by thinking what a disaster drunk texting ex might lead to tomorrow morning when u wake and feel hungover. U can definately do this!! His is your ex. Not worth cracking open the bottle for.

@2023forme @MisoSoups Thank you for replying. I don't really have anyone to hand hold in real life as no one really knows how badly I was drinking (a lot of secret day drinking...) and so this board is really important for me. This is exactly what I needed to hear. I unfortunately can't drive so can't use that as a reason not to drink, but I know 100% that if I were to drink I would message ex and I do not want to be that person!! I think that's good motivation to stay sober...! Instead of opening a bottle of wine, I had an AF beer (which I'm actually finding a useful tool as it seems to reduce the immediate craving – I don't actually know if that's healthy or not but so long as it keeps me from actually drinking I'm going with it!) and I wrote down everything I want to say to get it out of my system and I've deleted it. I feel a bit better now. Thank you again. I'm sure tonight is not going to be fun but I will get through it and feel better for having done so. I can't believe the timing of ex...

@2023forme And congratulations on getting to day 46! That's amazing! (and feels so far away for me right now!)

Day 9 is huge - do not give up now! Be really kind to yourself tonight. If you absolutely have to go, give yourself permission to leave whenever you need to. Or take breaks in the loo whenever you need. Prioritise your sobriety ❤️

@PricklyPineapple - believe me, I know how you feel as I have trying to get sober for more than 3 years. The days really start clocking up after the first few weeks.

I was lucky in a way (if you can call it that) as all my friends knew I had a huge problem so I've never faced any encouragement to drink - quite the opposite! I didn't drink AF drinks to begin with but have now started to drink them and found it helpful as I still feel as if I am being social and I've found one that I love sipping over ice as a 'liqueur' before bed. They don't trigger me but I know that others have found it difficult to have the AF drinks.

And I agree with what @Onewildandpreciouslife says - prioritise your sobriety over everything, even if it means a little white lie here and there. An old friend is getting married this weekend (second wedding for both, not a big wedding- more of a meet up and a party) but I have made apologies - they both understand and have encouraged me to do whatever I need to stay sober. DH and I will take them out for a lovely dinner once they come back from their honeymoon - I can cope with others having a few drinks with a meal if it is a small group but I cannot risk going to a party.

Good luck and if you do go, keep posting if it gets too much!

9 days is fabulous, it’s hard the first month. I’m on day 400 today. I had lots and lots of day ones before I managed. I think I started daily drinking around 20 years ago but only after 6pm, but I could drink a lot.
My first work do was difficult. I made a bit of a joke out of it. They only had Coke Zero out, so I said “don’t you have any full fat Coke? I might not be drinking alcohol but I haven’t given up on sugar.” I find though people don’t really try to push you to drink. You can tell people what you want - just say you’re not drinking for health reasons, if they really push, no need to lie about antibiotics.
I have found people are supportive. I had friends that bought AF beer when I was coming over.
I drank the AF versions of drinks at the beginning but find I’m doing it less and less. Yes sometimes I really miss it - like when I’m out for a nice dinner and a glass of wine would be nice but I couldn’t control it in the past so it’s not worth it.
Read as much as you can about stopping drinking. There are some interesting books out there.
I feel my life is much better now. I’m doing things that I would never have done when I was drinking because I’d be too hungover or wanting to go out. I’ve started paddle boarding and last night I did a 5k run (I walked it fast). I don’t feel so anxious in my life any more either.

@Username620 wow - day 400 is incredible! Congratulations!

@2023forme I was wondering if the AF versions might be triggering but so far I’ve found that it helps if I’m having bad cravings to have an AF beer (I tried AF gin and it was awful and am a bit nervous to try AF wine as I am (or hopefully was!) a (self acknowledged wanky) wine snob) I had some AF beers with friends the other day and I don’t thinks some people even noticed. It’s a weird thing trying to go sober but still not wanting to admit the extent of the problem to anyone.. my friends / partner obviously knew I liked a drink when we went out but no one knew about the bottles of wine I drank during the day (self employed and wfh) or the way I would always go via the pub, even if just going to the supermarket.

thank you so much for the hand holding, it’s really what I needed. On my way to event now and really committed to not having a drink, no matter how much I want one… day 10 tomorrow - double digits!

I did it! I went for dinner, then to a work function with lots of drinks and didn’t drink! I’ve never done that before! I’m so happy! Everyone I was with was drinking too, and I was tempted at dinner, but opted for an AF beer and then stuck with soft drink at the function (thankfully no one was offering me drinks etc as I just got my own and I think they just assumed I was drinking g&t or some other mixer.

@2023forme @Username620 @MisoSoups @Onewildandpreciouslife Thank you so much for the hand holding - it really did help so much today, especially hearing about your sober journeys too. After the messages this morning I didn’t quite know how I was going to deal with today!x

@PricklyPineapple So happy for you that you did it tonight. I’m proud of you. You have got over one of the hardest hurdles.
I suggest downloading the I am sober app. Seeing each day go by has worked for me, the excitement of the different milestones coming up plus the community there is really nice. Everyone is trying to stop drinking and there isn’t a nasty comment in sight. I’ve made some friends on there and now follow on them on other social media.

@PricklyPineapple yaayyy!! You smashed it!

For me, dealing with the “I can’t drink like a normal person” has been one of the major negative thoughts keeping me depressed/“othering” me and in a cycle of harmful binge drinking, trying to be “normal”. I’ve always went sober for X weeks/months with a view to eventually getting back to “normal” again and drinking moderately. Which of course never happens.

I am now finally accepting that I cannot drink alcohol in a responsible way. Sadly for me, I still want to - the switch had not flicked for me like it has for others - so I need to actively work on not drinking. Saying that, I am now enjoying socialising again (sober) although only in small groups. But that is progress.

The more you do things AF and enjoy yourself, the stronger you get - well that’s how it’s been for me. I still have times when I acutely feel “not normal” but these are less upsetting than they used to be, if that makes sense? I just remind myself that drinking a bottle of vodka and falling asleep in a hedge is not normal either!

so a great result for you last night 🍍 - KOKO and have a wonderful, sober weekend 💐😁💪❤️

The more 'firsts' you clock up the less daunting they'll be. The first holiday, the first Christmas etc all seem impossible when you think about them from the POV of someone who's psychologically still a drinker. But the more you stay stopped, the further away from that way of thinking you get, and once you know you can do a difficult night with no wine, the more you know you can do the next one until it becomes second nature.

Well done on getting through. I'm not saying the next one will be a breeze, but it won't be anything like as hard, and it will continue to get easier so long as you don't give in to the 'this once won't hurt' thoughts.

I found the fake booze helped too. Purists advise against, but it does help with the habit side of giving up, and you'll probably find that you'll wean off it naturally as the habit lessens.

Thank you for all the support.

I'm a quite disappointed in myself. I was out with friends on Saturday night and ended up having half a pint. I was doing so well, but then we went to a pub that didn't have any AF options and my friend said 'oh what's the harm in half a pint' and so I had half a pint. I drank it very slowly and then went back to AF options at the next place we went to, but I still feel disappointed in myself. I'm also finding today difficult - DP is away on a work trip today and tomorrow and every time I go to the fridge I just want to open a bottle of wine or a beer. I'm finding it really difficult to focus on anything else and have so much work to get through today. I keep thinking, well I've already had a drink, what's the difference. But I know that's not the point.

You stopped after half a pint. That is massive progress. Don’t see it as a failure. Just keep going. It’s a blip.
I live alone and that was hard at first feeling lonely and wanting a drink just to relieve the boredom.
have you got any nice teas? Or something to make a mocktail with.

Offering a handhold if needed

There is no need to be perfect, getting things done as well as you could is the best thing sometimes

Hi @PricklyPineapple
You shouldn't be dissapointed at all! Agree with post above, you stopped at half a pint which is brilliant.
You got this, stay on this path.

@Username620 thanks. I know it's progress (I've literally never just have half a pint!) but I just keep thinking why did I need to have that half pint?!

I think I've always taken the "opportunity" of DP being away to have "freedom" to drink as much as I want – ie. I can drink during the day while I'm working, then open another bottle of wine and polish it off at night and not feel like I have to hide it. This is the first time he's been away since I've been trying to stay sober and it feels like a "missed opportunity" – I don't even know if that makes sense! It's not something I expected to be hard but I think for me it's harder than, for example, going to the pub as I've only got myself to hold me to account (ie. there's no one here who I have said 'oh I'm not drinking today' to)

Oh, I completely get this feeling about DH being away - I remember it very well. Have you also done the walk to a nearby bin so that the recycling doesn’t look so bad when he gets back , or is that just me?

Your brain will take time to rewire those neural pathways! But it can be done over time. I think most authors I’ve read say it’s over 3 -6 months. But don’t worry about that - just take it one day at a time. I think what I’m trying to say is don’t expect thought patterns that have built up over decades to change in a week!

@Onewildandpreciouslife I'm so glad to hear it's not just me that is struggling with this! Tbh it's just not something I really thought about being a stumbling block... I used to hide the bottles at the bottom of the recycling bin (and somehow didn't even see this as being problematic?!) and would always replace whatever it was I'd drunk so he wouldn't notice that it was gone when he got back.. I'd also often offer to go for a walk to the supermarket just so I could buy beers to drink on the way home and would throw the cans into public bins.. It all sounds much worse written down than it ever did when I was doing it.

agh 3-6 months seems like forever. I really haven't been able to do anything today as I've been so distracted. I don't even know how I'm going to get through this evening. An empty house with plenty of alcohol in it is unbelievably difficult to deal with. Time to throw myself into some work I think...

You are all bloody amazing 💪🏼

Definitely don't be too hard on yourself for half a pint, but honestly, I think that way madness lies - the more you think 'oh, one drink won't matter' the harder it will be to cut it out altogether. After 6 years, I'll now have a toast at a wedding or similar situation, but it was a hard no until very recently, and I know I can just have one small glass without wanting more. I don't believe the stereotype you see on tv when someone has had 20 years sober than has a sip of whisky by mistake and wakes up in bed with her boss after a series of embarrassing drunken events, but I do think the trick is to replace the habit of drinking with the habit of not drinking, and to really convince yourself that you don't drink you can't have just one. Otherwise it can be a slippery slope, as all the 'another day one' threads show. (I'm not being smug here - I had a million day ones myself).

@PricklyPineapple I used to drive with my empties to public bins so my daughter wouldn’t find them. I would replace bottles too so it didn’t look as if I had drunk them.
I had bottles hidden at the bottom of my wardrobe after I lost my licence and I’d get my cleaning lady to take them away.

Sorry to jump in but I hear so much of myself in your messages! I’m back on day 1 after some serious heavy drinking! I went for a liver scan 6 months ago after 1 month off drink as I was worried and it was all fine. Slowly but surely my drinking has slipped from “my liver is fine so I’ll stick to the government guidance” to drinking in the day again. I work from home so it’s quite a slippery slope. I also throw the empties in the bin near by which I’m sure people have seen me do no doubt to hide it from my husband.

The problem I’m having is my mum got diagnosed quite unexpectedly with stage 4 cancer in May and the whole thing has just been so hard, I have been using alcohol to numb everything, which I then feel guilty about as I’m a rubbish daughter. As we know also alcohol doesn’t help with anxiety or depression so not good. I really just want to stop this and just focus on my mum, my son and my job (which clearly am not 100% focused on while being like this) any tips for dealing with emotion without drink would be good for me right now. I need to also just realise that my liver might not be in a good way now just because it was before. I don’t feel very healthy but I’m hoping it’s just withdrawal from not drinking

So if I could have a hand hold and join you, I would be really grateful. Just reading these forums really helped me in my previous sober month and I just remember feeling so good for doing it.

well done to you all also

So sorry to hear about your mum @Olivia2020 . It is really tempting to use alcohol to escape from our pain - I think of it as pulling the emergency rip cord as an instant escape. But the pain will still be there in the morning, and you’ll be dealing with it hungover.
I think a lot of the work involved in getting sober is learning how to be kind to ourselves- listening how we talk to ourselves, giving ourselves space to grieve, escaping from the “should” and “must”.
In terms of dealing with pain without alcohol - if you were trying to help a 10 year old “you” cope with your situation, what would you say and do?
I get that this is doubly hard because of your mum, and this all about learning to soothe ourselves.
But if I can get from hiding the empties to being 18 months sober, anyone can! But it needs to be done 1 day, or one minute, at a time.

@Olivia2020 I'm so sorry to hear about your mum – I can't even begin to imagine how you're feeling. I've only been trying to get sober for about two weeks, so I'm still very early (and other posters will definitely have more and better advice!) When I've been really craving alcohol, I've found it useful to distract myself (for me, weirdly, knitting something complicated helps as I've got to use my hands and concentrate on the pattern). I've also started to realise how proud I am of myself as I get into bed without having drunk that day, and that feeling is really helping me too. On the advice of some of the posters, I've also been reading quite a bit about what alcohol actually does to your body / brain (which it sounds like you're already doing!) and that is also helping. As @Onewildandpreciouslife said in the PP, it's just one day at a time (or minute! I feel like it's a win every time I go into the kitchen and don't have a drink!) and being really kind to yourself. I'm on day 15 (kind of - I had half a pint, but as I stopped I'm still counting it even though I know it's cheating) and the longer I go without drinking, the less my anxiety is and the better I seem able to cope with challenges – so that's also a motivation. My partner and I have been dealing with male factor infertility for the past year and I have been incredibly depressed and drinking to try to forget everything. I'm realising now that the drinking made the anxiety / depression worse, which made me want to drink more and so it was just this vicious circle. These boards have also been so, so supportive and posting here and being able to read back over people's replies has really helped me so far. I don't know how helpful any of the above is as I'm very early in my journey and many of the amazing previous posters have much more experience with sobriety!