Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Alcohol support

Mumsnet doesn't verify the qualifications of users. If you have medical concerns, please consult a healthcare professional.

Original poster

Husbands drinking

28 replies

Woowee12 · 07/09/2023 09:18

Hi everyone,

I don’t know what to do with my husband.

He will get drunk in the house around 2/3 times a week. By drunk I mean drink a 70cl bottle of vodka and not come to bed until 2/3am and then wake me up and pester me, will try to put his hand down my pyjama bottoms or try to grope me.

Last week I came home from work and he was drunk while our 2 children were home. I completely lost it and told him I can’t do this anymore. Lots of apologies later and he promised he would cut the drinking down to once a week. He had a drink again 4 days later as his football was on and he doesn’t get to drink at work (he works out of the country) so thinks he should be allowed to.

Fast forward to last night him asking if I would mind him having a drink. I stupidly told him to do what he wants because if I said no he would have been sulking all night. He starts drinking at 7pm and doesn’t come to bed till 2/3, wakes me up and hes back at it with the groping, trying to pull my pyjama bottoms down. I just can’t keep doing this.

He clearly has an alcohol problem, should I be helping him with this? Should I be walking away? It’s went on for years and I’m at the point where I can’t take it anymore and I know I shouldn’t have to deal with this.

OP posts:
Hereforsummer · 07/09/2023 09:43

An alcohol and a sexual assault problem by the sound of it. You can't help him. You can only protect yourself and the DC.

Original poster
Woowee12 · 07/09/2023 12:56

I’ve had a message while at work this morning apologising saying that he feels ashamed and that it won’t happen again. I told him until the next time and he replied with sad faces, he can’t even promise me this won’t happen again.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/09/2023 13:04

Can you send him one year no beer - it's a 'fun' and 'manly' and 'doing a challenge' approach to no booze. He needs to commit to some serious time off at least three months. Or move out.

Original poster
Woowee12 · 07/09/2023 13:31

@Unexpectedlysinglemum good idea thank you!

OP posts:
sparkedsparkle · 07/09/2023 14:28

Why an earth Is he drinking until 3am? Are you sure he's not on coke too? That'd explain the over sexualness...
Tell him he can only drink one day of the week and always has to be the same day (either Fri or sat night) and only when the kids have gone to bed

Original poster
Woowee12 · 07/09/2023 15:13

Because he won’t stop until the bottle is finished, he doesn’t know when to stop.

Definitely not on coke. Never uses cash and everything is on our shared online banking so I would see money going out. It is strange he’s so touchy feely when drunk, this is relatively new over the last 1-2 years, before hand he would just come to bed and go to sleep.

OP posts:
MrsSamR · 07/09/2023 15:27

You need to take your kids and leave. This will be damaging them and it's your job to protect them. No more making excuses for him and second chances. I had an alcoholic parent growing up and it is horrible for them to witness trust me. Not to mention a safety concern if he is left in charge of them while drunk depending on what ages they are. Tell him he needs to go to AA/rehab/whatever it takes and give up drinking entirely or you and the kids are gone for good. You've let it go on too long and given him too many chances and he knows he can get away with it now. You need to issue an ultimatum so he has a reason to stop or he won't and it'll probably get worse.

Sillymummies123 · 08/09/2023 11:53

Christ this is shit.

Obviously he's attempting sexual assault, but you know that and I won't preach but let you make a nuanced decision about how to proceed with that with your long term partner...

Unless he wants to stop, he won't. That's not to say that if he wants to stop, he CAN.

Have you seen any attempts to stop that aren't imposed by you? Does he regularly try to stop on his own or not?

If not... I don't really see a way forward. Some people like to drink, don't care what it does to them, and are unlikely to stop (at this time - he might down the line as even he starts to sense the damage).

Having a drunk partner is awful. My thoughts are with you

Original poster
Woowee12 · 08/09/2023 19:40

No I haven’t seen any proper attempts to stop. He told me this morning that he needs something to take it’s place for example exercise which I completely agree with but he ended it with.. well you don’t know how hard it is for me to work away and I should be able to do what I want when I get home. When I explained only drinking 1 night a week preferably at the weekend he said that a weekend is when we are busiest so he would rather drink another night even though he currently drinks at a weekend! I told him this can’t continue and I won’t accept it for much longer and he had nothing to say.

OP posts:
afaloren · 08/09/2023 22:15

Try Googling Menace To Sobriety and Dapper Laughs. Sober content aimed at men that’s got a sort of banter approach. It’s awful that he’s assaulting you when he’s drunk, he’s got a real problem and he’s making it your problem.

Sillymummies123 · 09/09/2023 06:39

Woowee12 · 08/09/2023 19:40

No I haven’t seen any proper attempts to stop. He told me this morning that he needs something to take it’s place for example exercise which I completely agree with but he ended it with.. well you don’t know how hard it is for me to work away and I should be able to do what I want when I get home. When I explained only drinking 1 night a week preferably at the weekend he said that a weekend is when we are busiest so he would rather drink another night even though he currently drinks at a weekend! I told him this can’t continue and I won’t accept it for much longer and he had nothing to say.

Yikes. Doesn't sound like somebody who actually wants to quit. Who knows - ultimatums might buy you some time, and by showing him just how serious you find the drinking jt might change his mindset over time, and then at least get him to a place where he wants to quit (and then the real work begins)

Good luck.

tribpot · 09/09/2023 06:53

He's trying to make you manage his drinking problem for him. Making you set the boundaries, even though he constantly then challenges them.

Don't offer him 'one night a week preferably at the weekend', this is you effectively condoning what he's doing. Plus he won't stick to it and will then say you have been unreasonable setting limits on what he's 'allowed' to do.

How is he going to limit his drinking so he does not try to assault you every time?
How is going to limit his drinking so he isn't drunk in charge of his children?
How is he going to manage his drinking and take responsibility for his actions?

Those are questions only he can answer. I don't think he is going to.

The barest minimum you need to do is to tell him to sleep elsewhere when he's been drinking, enforcing this with a locked door if necessary. You deserve to be able to sleep in peace.

Sillymummies123 · 09/09/2023 07:13

tribpot · 09/09/2023 06:53

He's trying to make you manage his drinking problem for him. Making you set the boundaries, even though he constantly then challenges them.

Don't offer him 'one night a week preferably at the weekend', this is you effectively condoning what he's doing. Plus he won't stick to it and will then say you have been unreasonable setting limits on what he's 'allowed' to do.

How is he going to limit his drinking so he does not try to assault you every time?
How is going to limit his drinking so he isn't drunk in charge of his children?
How is he going to manage his drinking and take responsibility for his actions?

Those are questions only he can answer. I don't think he is going to.

The barest minimum you need to do is to tell him to sleep elsewhere when he's been drinking, enforcing this with a locked door if necessary. You deserve to be able to sleep in peace.

I second the boundaries described. Being groped while drunk (the fact the you mention it suggests to me that perhaps he takes a while to hear or understand the "no") is dangerous for you.

Don't back down on your terms. The addiction will cause him to minimalise his drinking

DatumTarum · 09/09/2023 07:23

Just leave him or get him to leave.

Both you and the kids deserve better than this.

You could waste your entire life trying to fix him.

Greydogs123 · 09/09/2023 08:09

If he can’t even control his drinking when he has the care of his children then he has a serious problem and is not going to be able to just stop. Imagine if there had been some sort of accident or a fire in the house? Would he have been able to deal with an emergency and protect the children?
If it was me I wouldn’t keep asking him to stop/limit when he has no desire to. Just tell him he needs to leave and ensure that he only sees the children with supervision to ensure their safety. A bottle of vodka at a time is a huge amount and very concerning.

Original poster
Woowee12 · 09/09/2023 08:36

Thanks for the replies, really helpful to hear opinions.

He’s not used to me standing up for myself, I hate confrontation and will do anything to avoid it. Since speaking to him about it yesterday morning he has barely spoken to me. Is it because he knows he’s went too far, or is it because he’s angry I’ve spoken up for once? No idea.

I often at times think I’m the one being unreasonable because I’m not a drinker. I will drink if there is an occasion but never drink in the home. Maybe if I did drink I wouldn’t find this behaviour as bad as it is?

I’m only 31 and although I’m not planning on moving on with anyone anytime in the near future I feel like he’s completely fucked my head. If I was to meet someone I’d feel on edge if they started drinking in the house not knowing what it would lead to. I wouldn’t want to share a bed with them if they were drunk as I’d be wondering what they might do.

OP posts:
hallysally · 09/09/2023 09:09

Gosh, there's so much going on here. He must be drinking 70-100 units of alcohol a week which (for starters) must be costing a fortune never mind the horrible effect on his health and more importantly, your mental health. And then add to that the groping...ouch!

I think his point about being able to do whatever he wants is actually correct! He CAN do whatever he wants but you don't have to be a witness or party to it, so it might have to come down to a plain ultimatum - he either sees his GP/joins AA and gets immediately serious about reducing his intake or you will be asking him to leave the family home (or leaving yourself, if that's more practical). There is no negotiation and the change has to start today or he will lose his family. His choice.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Alcoholism runs in my family and I've come perilously close to it myself but I saw the huge damage it caused in other family relationships and that was a massive motivator for me - I did not want to be 'that person'. I recognise for some it's way more complex than that but I was able to pull myself back from the brink and I think I have a normal healthy relationship with alcohol now. I say that because if the motivation is there, it is possible to turn this around but he may not be able or willing to try.

However for you, it's ultimatum time. Flowers

tribpot · 09/09/2023 09:30

Maybe if I did drink I wouldn’t find this behaviour as bad as it is?

You know this isn't the case. You must know people who drink a normal amount? None of his behaviour is what they do.

Sicario · 09/09/2023 09:40

Attack is the best form of defence. His behaviour right now is passive-aggressive, or sometimes just aggressive (when drunk), because the alcohol is more important to him than you are.

I want you to repeat to yourself the fact that you did not cause this, you cannot fix this, this is not your fault.

He is an alcoholic.

Alcoholics ruin lives. Not only their own, but those of the people around them. I was married to one until I chose not to be.

You cannot help an alcoholic. They are deeply selfish and will look for any excuse for their behaviour and addiction.

IMPORTANT: Tell him you are not his rehab centre, and not his support human. He will destroy you.

He either stops drinking and goes to AA (and I mean he finds a meeting and goes TODAY), or he leaves. His choice.

In any event, it is better that he goes elsewhere to get sober, otherwise he will drag you into his dysfunction and you will lose yourself.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 11/09/2023 09:19

He gets pissed when looking after his children and sexually assaults you. He’s revolting. Your life will be much better without him I’m sure

menopausalbloat · 13/09/2023 14:31

I've lived with an alcoholic for 15 yrs.
It's fkin hard! My dp has been sober for a while now and uses the gym to keep him that way.
It doesn't mean that he'll never drink again though.
I gave him the ultimatum that if he kept on drinking then he'd have to move out.
Thankfully this worked. Some need to hit rock bottom before seeking help, and some never do.

ValerieDoonican · 13/09/2023 14:50

Absolutely not normal or acceptable. It may be that working overseas has sped up his descent into alcoholism, and it may be that it would help him with a recovery that he has already chosen, when he has chosen it, to change jobs. Something for him to explore with a professional counsellor perhaps.

But he has not yet suggested he even wants to recover. He just wants to keep you quiet and minimise the disruption to his drinking

To be clear, IN NO WAY does anything going on in his life now or in the past excuse or explain his drinking behaviour now. The addiction, sadly, is driving his behaviour, including everything he says to you.

And it is 100% his job to fix that however je finds works for him, should he ever decide to do that. It is 0% your job. Your only job is to get yourself and your children away from him to minimise the harm he does to you. It is very, very sad, but you cannot fix him. Only he can do that.

Princess12365837 · 25/09/2023 00:13

Is there any updates because iv less my alcoholic husband gave him a ultimatum if he stop drinking il return home I'd love to hear the out come of your story with a alcohol husband hopefully the still hope yet

pointythings · 26/09/2023 21:13

@Princess12365837 the ultimatum is realistically speaking on you, not on him. It's you telling yourself, and him, that unless he changes, you stop putting up with his shit. You have to follow through, not for him but for you and any DC you have.

I jointly run a support group for relatives of people in addiction and we have had positive outcomes with spouses who have an alcohol problem, but sadly they are a minority. My husband had an alcohol problem too - it cost him his family, his house, his job and ultimately his life.

mildlydispeptic · 26/09/2023 21:26

Oh my goodness OP, you're only 31? You really have a chance at getting a decent life for yourself. Please don't pour away your time on this man.