Alcoholic mother - in hospital

[lollydu]

Not really sure what I'm asking for here - experiences and advice from children of long term alcoholics please as I'm facing the end of the road really, or possibly not, I'm really not sure how much longer my mum can go on like this.

She is a long term alcoholic, 74 years old, she's had a problem my whole life at least (I'm 36) weighs about 7 stone due to chronic IBS (alcohol related) and nutritional deficiencies, osteoporosis, with severe mobility issues following multiple falls, fractures and broken bones. To date she has had 4 major falls, broken her hip (screw and plate in there somewhere) collar bone, tail bone and latest injury includes 3 broken ribs.

She currently lives in an independent living facility, think one step down from warden assisted, so they have the pulley cord and there's a house manager on site from 9-4 mon-Fri. Thursday morning I got a call from her emergency care line to say she had fallen again and I went over to wait for the paramedics with her. Somehow she managed to pull herself back into bed. The house was littered with empty beer cans and wine bottles. Fag buts in plastic bags causing a fire hazard etc, just really bad, didn't realise it was this bad.

Anyway, this is the first time I was able to be there when the paramedics arrived so I sat down with them and completed a safeguarding referral to social services, I was just wondering if anyone else has had to do this and what it entails? Will I be contacted? I have medical and financial POA for my mum.

Well she's in hospital now and there's nothing more they can do for her as broken ribs just have to heal, but now she is exhibiting uncharacteristic delirium and confusion. She thinks she's in a hotel and is literally talking nonsense like she's on drugs. I mean she probably is on lots of drugs for the pain, but unlike previous admissions this is a new thing. She's never been like this. They obviously can't let her go home like this and have completed some sort of care of the elderly referral I think it's called which is different from the social services referral. Somehow the info that she was an alcoholic was lost in translation from her admission to A&E and when I told them the doctors sort of had an "aha" moment and they feel it could be alcohol withdrawal related so have started some medication for that, but in the past she was always secretive, never told doctors the real story and never had the confusion and delirium related to not consuming alcohol so am I to think it's all getting worse?

Interestingly her liver tests have come back OK - how can this possibly be? Is it just that this is more a physiological thing, she's so small so not drinking the kind of amounts that could kill a liver but enough that she falls and is nutritionally deficient?

I really don't know what to do - she is still driving!! I mean WTF I don't even think her legs are strong enough to put the bloody clutch down but she's managing to drive to and from the pub every day! I have to stop this somehow if she ever gets out of hospital and gets her marbles back, where do I even start?

I have a young family, the impact this is having on my life is huge and I'm starting to struggle day to day - I'm finding it hard dealing with the anger towards her and I'm feeling really sad that our relationship is basically dead, I just feel so detached from her and like I've lost her already.

She doesn't truly want to stop. Every time we hit "rock bottom" she is full of empty promises. But each time we manage to reach a new low. So I don't know what to do, will she just be discharged and go home until the next time she falls over again and again until she dies?

Has anyone been through anything similar, is there anywhere I can go for some help and advice?

I don’t know what to say but I’m the daughter of an alcoholic mother and I just want to send you hugs.

Mine is finally sober for pretty much the first time in my life (drugs were an issue before the alcohol) and it’s amazing. My mum only got help in her mid 60s so it isn’t too late but she has to want to.

But please be gentle with yourself, this isn’t your fault and you can only help her if she wants to be helped xxx

It was the case for my step-father although he had my mother at home. Eventually a chest infection turned to pneumonia which his body can’t fight.
My mother is also an alcoholic and has various inpatient stays for various issues and “funny turns”. I assume something similar will take her eventually.
I’m sorry I can’t offer more information but I just wanted to say that I hear you and to be kind to yourself.

That's lovely to hear your mum got help and wanted to change. What was it that finally convinced her she was ready?

My mum has 2 beautiful grandchildren, a wonderful home, a lovely life. She just does not want to stop.

I think it was a combination of things, she finally acknowledged that she wasn’t very happy but didn’t know how to do anything about it. She had managed to alienate almost all her friends and family by this point. I used to have to steel myself to go and see her and honestly almost wished she would just die and get it over with.

I had finally had enough and gave her an ultimatum, she either got help and I promised I would be there for her and do anything I could or she could continue on and I would call her on her birthday and at Christmas but that would be it. She said she would get help and she started then gave up. I left her alone with no contact for three weeks then went round to see her. I think my opening words were something along the lines of “Just checking you’re still alive”. I was really harsh with her, and very much “look how well you’re doing, does this make you happy? Asked her if she was planning on dying at home alone. I said some brutal things which I had been thinking for years and never said but I had just had enough.

After that she actually committed to getting help. It was a process which started with going to the GP who gave her the referral for group counselling, that led to individual counselling and finally that led to the local authority funding 6 months in rehab for her and she’s never looked back.

It’s a horrible reality to face that you’re not able to help her but you do have to acknowledge that. Be there for her if she wants to do something about it but if she doesn’t then you need to prioritise your own mental health and that of your family’s.

You’re welcome to message me privately if I can back in any way x

Hi @lollydu
I'm sorry you're going through this xx
Reading your post takes me back. My Dad died of alcoholism at 60 yrs old, his drink of choice was vodka straight from the bottle. His liver was all good too. He lost his job, home, family, nothing stopped him from drinking. He had been to dry out clinics twice but didn't stop him drinking. I totally understand what you're going through, it's so difficult and painful. I was angry for a long time but now i realise it's an addiction. Stay strong for your Mum and family, i hope you all get through this time and your Mum gets better xx ❤

So sorry for you and her going through this.

the confusion / delirium could definitely be alcohol withdrawal, either Wernicke’s Encephalopathy and needs to be treated with high doses of Iv Pabrinex (Vitamin B). Delirium tremens is very severe alcohol withdrawal which results in confusion lasting for a few days but can be very dangerous. Korsakoffs is as illness (think dementia type) which develops if the above Wernicke’s isn’t treated.

great you were there to disclose the alcohol and do a safeguarding referral. Unless she stops drinking then the risk of falls etc will still be there. Has she ever expressed a wish to stop?

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

On liver tests, the liver is a remarkable organ and can keep going for an awfully long time, until suddenly it can’t. It’s one of the reasons people on this board often advise others against assuming that a normal liver test means there are no issues.

I'm sorry you went through it all too. Do you mind me asking what it was that ended his life if his liver was OK? One assumes alcoholics die of liver disease, but at this point there are a lot of things that I think could potentially end my mums life, the drink has ravaged her body and she's so weak and malnourished it wouldn't take much at all.

Hi OP. She sound like my mum who died aged 70. Brain haemorrhage got her in the end but she was asking for gin even though apparently she shouldn’t have been able to speak (couldn’t swallow). She does after about a week in hospital.

We went through some bizarre delirium a few times, Complete fantasy world, I’m glad the medical team now know she’s an alcoholic, my dad got me to speak to the paramedics over the phone as he was too upset and I made sure they knew as I think it can mask or mimic other symptoms. That and the fact she was a malicious bitch kind of made it hard to say if her behaviour on the ward was normal.

Hugs and good luck. It was a relief when she died although I was overseas and it was covid days. I knew I’d never get another crazy call or worry she’d set the house on fire or similar. Really tough.

Not a genuine one.

Every time she says she will stop and I don't think I have ever seen a genuine attempt from her. I tell her words mean nothing and stop saying it, so she always says well you will just see by my actions then. And it makes me want to scream or punch a wall. I don't know if she genuinely means it when she says it?

I hope the safeguarding referral will point her in the direction of some help.

She has done counselling in the past but always finds an excuse to quit, she's full of excuses and denial.

Thank you for all your kind responses, I really appreciate it

Xx

I live in eternal hope - somewhere deep inside is a 12 year old me that actually believed her when she said she would stop and it would be the last time. Adult me knows the truth that she will never stop but I can't get rid of that feeling and it causes more heartbreak every time. Other people make a choice to get well, it can and does happen, but not for my mum.

Can you find and confiscate the car keys whilst she's in hospital? And/or immobilise the car. Whatever she does to her own health, you can't allow her to drive drunk.

I could take the car keys but that's not going to work long term, she can just go and buy another car. I'm hoping the doctors do something or I will write to the DVLA. Push comes to shove I will call the police on her when I know she is drinking and driving.

I mean realistically I'm not sure she will even come out of hospital or come home so it could be a moot point.

There is lots of help and support available to you through Al-Anon which is a sister fellowship to AA.

Al-Anon is specifically for family and friends of alcoholics. There are in person and online meetings and they will support you through this.

al-anonuk.org.uk

Sounds like she now has hepatic encephalopathy. I’m sorry I haven’t read all your posts but from personal experience, she may have decompensated liver disease now.

My mum is also similar. After a long admission last year where she had an awful withdrawal with seizures and she almost didn't survive she is now dry but her brain is damaged. I wonder if it's Korsakoffs (she was diagnosed with encephalitis but not Wernickes).

She is very doddery on her feet, recently broke her hip. She has osteoporosis and other health problems due to years of drinking.

There's only so much I can do for her though, all those years of watching her drunk herself to death have taken their toll and I can't get too emotionally involved when I have my own children to focus on.

Hi OP- both parents alcoholics and I’m the same age as you. My mum died 7 years ago after living a very similar life to your mum. Same living conditions, weight and started to fall over. She died one day in her flat but reading your post was like my life. It did effect her liver and she knew this and carried on- she wanted to die!
my dad got help and stopped drinking-this was before my mum died- I never thought he would live let alone get clean and sober- there is always hope ❤️ my dad had the worst delusions but it was withdrawal.
no advice on how to cope… you just keep going I suppose but remember it’s not your battle and you can’t make her stop - it’s an addiction and it’s taken a long time to for me to realise that as I always thought ‘why can’t she stop for me and my kids?’ - you have to put yourself and your own life/ mental health first as hard as it is x

@lollydu - I’m so sorry you are going through this.

I am the alcoholic in our family. My parents (both dead) were alcoholics and my sister is an alcoholic. My dad was a “working man’s club” type drinker until my mum died then he drank himself to death - I don’t want to trigger anyone with the details but my mum suffered abuse in the worst way as a child and my dad just loved her so much and felt he hadn’t been able to help her fight her demons and he missed her so much, he didn’t want to live after she effectively drank herself to death.

growing up with an alcoholic mum was awful - I promised myself I would never do that to my kids - and yet, here I am doing the same thing.

I too have a lovely life on paper /from the outside - but the cycle of abuse in our family (on my mum’s side) affected me too. Started drinking to shut off the noises in my brain then it became a psychological addiction.

I note in your post you say your mum has a lovely life - but for her, for some reason, it is not. She maybe just can’t face the thought of a life without alcohol. This is because chronic drinking physically changes our neural pathways and people lose the ability to find pleasure in anything other than alcohol - it’s called anhedonia. People need months off the booze to fix their brains but after the initial horrible withdrawal wears off, they are tempted back to drink to get “pleasure”, even if it is pathological.

my MIL was the same with smoking- multiple mini strokes but couldn’t face a life not smoking but feeling the desire to smoke every day. Eventually died of a massive stroke. It’s not the same as drinking but similar.

I’m 28 days sober today after my umpteenth “last chance”. I’m so lucky my family are still with me and haven’t thrown me out the house. I’ve lost jobs, broke bones, lost friends. Outsiders who don’t know my story would think I had a great life - nice house, fabulous holidays, money in the bank etc. but getting black out drunk was the only time I could switch off the intrusive thoughts in my brain. This despite several rounds of therapy.

You asked about the liver - we all know about the liver but alcohol also massively affects the heart, brain and kidneys. My mum died in her sleep of a heart attack and my dad developed kidney failure - he wasn’t a Candidate for dialysis so went on to get multi organ failure and died about a week later.

I truly hope your mum can find the strength to stop drinking. But whatever happens, you need to protect yourself and your own family. Although I truly appreciate how hard it can be to detach. Sending you all the positive energies. 💐 🙏

Write to the dvla and take her car keys. I had to this for my uncle for other medical reasons.

I thought that after mother nearly died the first time whilst watching another young mum actually die in the bed opposite her, that she might change. Didn’t happen though. She ruined my adolescence and I wish my dad had left her to drink herself to death alone because she nearly destroyed my relationship with him.

Bizarrely, at her funeral, one of their friends said my dad “won” her because they all thought she was wonderful. Nope. My dad lost a huge part of himself and wasted his life on her.

OP, does she resent you for trying to help her? Is she manipulative like so many of them can be?

These were the biggest signs for me to step back and make the choice to stop trying to save her and let her get on with it. I wasted so much love and energy on that woman.

OP Yes, I’ve been through similar.

My parent had a medical emergency and it wasn’t documented about alcoholism, once stabilised and out of intensive care they started with the delirium, agitated, talking total rubbish. Once Dr’s were made aware of alcoholism they started the detox meds and infusions. Like yours, the doctor had an “aha” moment.

Good news is that they have recovered, live independently, we made them stop driving, car got scrapped. Bad news it took over 2 months to stop the delirium, multiple hospitals and a stay in a care home.

I am happy to provide further details, either on here or message me.

It is an absolute nightmare and I really feel for you. My mum has had problems with alcohol on and off since I was 5 and I’m now mid 40s - the degree to which it has damaged us both is tragic. She recently moved to live nearer to us in supported living and it’s been a disaster as she’s been drinking a bottle of vodka most days - she had to move out of her old home as she had a house fire which I strongly suspect was down to her drinking and smoking. She’s had 6 hospital admissions this year and is now 12 weeks into the last one as she’s become very confused and they have diagnosed her with progressive dementia - I’m certain this is alcohol related. Now they’re looking for a care home for her. Having tried very hard to support her with daily phone calls and visits for years (and she can be very unpleasant) I just can’t cope any more and feel utterly destroyed by it all so I’m ashamed to admit I’ve barely visited her in hospital. What’s become clear is that my husband and I need to think very hard about what we can do for her and where the boundaries are in order to protect ourselves and our kids - and we should have done this much sooner. Social services have been helpful for us so good that you’ve made that referral and I’d also recommend al-anon.

@Prettypaisleyslippers it's awful isn't it? Mums had a few hospital admissions for falls over the last 5 years where she's been secretive and not told the docs but the delirium and withdrawal wasn't an issue those times, this is the first time it's been a problem so i am only to take from that that the whole problem is escalating. She's back to being lucid now the benzo has kicked in.

When you say recovered - do you mean they are sober? Or just that the delirium was halted? I actually think a good couple of months in the hospital would be a good start for mum, she needs some time to start eating properly.

She saw the Occ therapist today and has started to speak about her drinking, they are saying to me that's a massive step and really good sign but of course I know it's all just words and nothing will change.

@Balloonsandroses your post really resonates, I feel beyond damaged by a lifetime of this. It's like a visceral ball that sits in my upper stomach filled with resentment, guilt, fear and anger and I know I need to do some work to get rid of it and let it go, I've found an al-anon meeting in my local area, I am gathering the courage to go this weekend if I can.

I know what you mean about the hospital visits as well, I've only visited once. It's funny she has all these "friends"'down the pub but where are they now? Not visiting her in hospital are they. It's a lonely life being an alcoholic. I feel the same, my boundaries are so far up now it's hard to feel or express any sort of affection, and along with that there comes a lot of guilt because I know she's ill.

I spoke with social services yesterday, they didn't seem all that helpful to be honest, they couldn't confirm if they'd had the safeguarding referral through from the ambulance call due to data even though it was me that sat down and did it so took all details again, basically said well offer your mum some support but it's up to her if she wants to take it. Can I ask - what sort of support you/she got from social services?

Well mums going home tomorrow. I just went round hers today to clean up, get rid of all the old wine bottles, clean, put some bits in the fridge for her and put clean bedsheets on.

I've been told by the occupational therapist at the hospital that she's been referred to the alcohol support service (although that also happened last time and nothing came of it) as well as having a long term care package, 2 visits a day where they will be focusing on her eating and nutrition and fluid intake.

Ive not really visited her much over the 2 weeks she's been in, the first time she was delirious from alcohol withdrawal and the second time I ended up storming out as I got frustrated she was not displaying any real desire to change despite saying the right words (I will know when she means it and as usual it's just that I've heard it all before etc). She just thinks she can white knuckle it and do it all on her willpower alone. She doesn't want rehab or AA. She seems positive and happy to be going home with some carers involvement. I hate myself for not being able to stop hoping this time will be it! It's so soul destroying! In my heart I know exactly how this is going to go. She's going to be ok for a couple of weeks, then she will slowly say to the carers and councillors that she's fine and doesn't need them anymore. And then it will start spiralling.

I just find this part of the cycle the hardest. The transition back to the beginning and the wait for the next rock bottom starts again. I went to an Al-anon meeting last week, I'm on the fence about it, it was good to unload and I left feeling lighter mentally but it was a bit strange to be honest. I'm going to give it a few more visits as I don't think I can make a decision on it with just one. I am struggling massively this week with anxiety, lots of physical symptoms like dizziness, nausea, digestive symptoms, very teary. Just really struggling a lot.