Alcoholic mother - in hospital

[lollydu]

Not really sure what I'm asking for here - experiences and advice from children of long term alcoholics please as I'm facing the end of the road really, or possibly not, I'm really not sure how much longer my mum can go on like this.

She is a long term alcoholic, 74 years old, she's had a problem my whole life at least (I'm 36) weighs about 7 stone due to chronic IBS (alcohol related) and nutritional deficiencies, osteoporosis, with severe mobility issues following multiple falls, fractures and broken bones. To date she has had 4 major falls, broken her hip (screw and plate in there somewhere) collar bone, tail bone and latest injury includes 3 broken ribs.

She currently lives in an independent living facility, think one step down from warden assisted, so they have the pulley cord and there's a house manager on site from 9-4 mon-Fri. Thursday morning I got a call from her emergency care line to say she had fallen again and I went over to wait for the paramedics with her. Somehow she managed to pull herself back into bed. The house was littered with empty beer cans and wine bottles. Fag buts in plastic bags causing a fire hazard etc, just really bad, didn't realise it was this bad.

Anyway, this is the first time I was able to be there when the paramedics arrived so I sat down with them and completed a safeguarding referral to social services, I was just wondering if anyone else has had to do this and what it entails? Will I be contacted? I have medical and financial POA for my mum.

Well she's in hospital now and there's nothing more they can do for her as broken ribs just have to heal, but now she is exhibiting uncharacteristic delirium and confusion. She thinks she's in a hotel and is literally talking nonsense like she's on drugs. I mean she probably is on lots of drugs for the pain, but unlike previous admissions this is a new thing. She's never been like this. They obviously can't let her go home like this and have completed some sort of care of the elderly referral I think it's called which is different from the social services referral. Somehow the info that she was an alcoholic was lost in translation from her admission to A&E and when I told them the doctors sort of had an "aha" moment and they feel it could be alcohol withdrawal related so have started some medication for that, but in the past she was always secretive, never told doctors the real story and never had the confusion and delirium related to not consuming alcohol so am I to think it's all getting worse?

Interestingly her liver tests have come back OK - how can this possibly be? Is it just that this is more a physiological thing, she's so small so not drinking the kind of amounts that could kill a liver but enough that she falls and is nutritionally deficient?

I really don't know what to do - she is still driving!! I mean WTF I don't even think her legs are strong enough to put the bloody clutch down but she's managing to drive to and from the pub every day! I have to stop this somehow if she ever gets out of hospital and gets her marbles back, where do I even start?

I have a young family, the impact this is having on my life is huge and I'm starting to struggle day to day - I'm finding it hard dealing with the anger towards her and I'm feeling really sad that our relationship is basically dead, I just feel so detached from her and like I've lost her already.

She doesn't truly want to stop. Every time we hit "rock bottom" she is full of empty promises. But each time we manage to reach a new low. So I don't know what to do, will she just be discharged and go home until the next time she falls over again and again until she dies?

Has anyone been through anything similar, is there anywhere I can go for some help and advice?

I recommend the website or Instagram of Children Of Alcoholics for support

Just a small update from me. Mums been bed-hogging at hospital for the last 2 or 3 weeks while they work out a package of care for her, but I was called yesterday by a social worker who said she's not entitled to any help. This is the 4th time she's fallen over, 4th lot of broken bones, her fridge is completely bare so I'm not sure what else needs to happen before she is entitled. I mean I get it, all this costs money and her issues are self inflicted so they are obviously thinking she doesn't deserve the help either which I also understand. Plus she's sober now in hosp so when they visit she is obviously coming across very capable of looking after herself. Feel like I'm stuck in a rock and hard place as she will be back in hosp in a few months and the next time she could break her neck or her back or something and it could be the end.

What help were you expecting them to provide? If she’s not physically capable of looking after herself with regards daily tasks then I doubt the doctors would allow her to leave without help in place. Worth talking to her medical team to see if they can exert pressure if this is the case.

If it’s help with stopping drinking then that probably is not led by the social worker. That’s a healthcare issue and is something that her GP should be able to provide guidance on provided that she actually wants to do so. If she doesn’t want to stop drinking and won’t seek or accept help there is no way of forcing her to do so.

it’s a horrible situation and I can imagine how hopeless you feel about it and just want to send you hugs x

It's a nighmare isn't it. I've been there with my mum many times over the past few years. Mum was hospitalised with her second gastric bleed mid July, 2 weeks after being diagnosed with cirrhosis and fluid building up in her abdomen. After a week, they did further tests and it turned out that she had a gynae cancer of some sort that had been masked by the cirrhosis but by then she was too ill for the tests to find out what. She died within the week of diagnosis and I'm left with horrible mixed feelings of grief and relief. I'm also left with sorting out the hell hole that is her flat.

How do you get inpatient stays my mother overdosed yesterday and ambulance took her to hospital and she was sleep all the way
today she has convinced nurses she’s fine and wants to go home! She needs to be sectioned but they said they can’t keep her against her will

My mum was an alcoholic all my childhood until I was 18 & my dad died from it when he was 56. You have my full sympathy, it’s awful & ruined my childhood. My mum was in & out of psychiatric units/hospital & it was truly awful.

She only stopped when she’d had enough - I was ‘at risk’ for many years with court cases where my grandparents fought for custody. None of this made her stop.

Its awful for those watching but only she can decide to stop herself otherwise all the treatments in the world won’t help.

Good luck to you.

Hi all,

Just a small update from me. Mum came out of hospital at the beginning of October and I can't believe I'm actually saying this as I've never been able to before but she is still sober and has been since her hospital admission. She seems to have taken on board that she is an alcoholic and can't have one drink without getting back into the depths of alcoholism. She has put on around 10lbs, which is huge for her as she's so tiny. Walking more steadily. Eating 3 meals a day. Sleeping well. Motivation has come back. She is capable at life now and getting out and about, seeing friends, we are even spending more time with her at times she would have been passed out drunk and it's lovely. Somehow even more anxiety inducing for me though now than when she was a drunk if that makes sense! Just waiting for that heartbreaker moment when I realise she's drinking again I guess.

In terms of help I was expecting, I really don't know to be honest. When she's sober she absolutely doesn't need any help at all. But when she's a drunk she lives in a complete state, doesn't eat and falls over so just not safe living on her own but I don't see really how social services can help with that and tbh if it's self inflicted why they would.

Anyway she's doing ok at the moment and I can't quite believe it, never in my whole life has she gone this long without it and speaking as though she knows she is an alcoholic and understands what she has to do to stay well.

This is completely amazing! I'm not in this position and I know it's a lame thing to say, but can you just enjoy it while it lasts, and know that you did have this time together? I'm sorry if this is the wrong thing to say, and I really feel for you.

Wow. Congratulations OP.

That's good news.
Wishing you well!

That's great, @lollydu . All you can do is enjoy each day as it comes. Is she engaging with any addiction services? If not (and even if she is, really) - this may not last but I think you know that. It's great that you get to spend some time with this version of her, for however long it lasts.

Great news. You’re a really remarkable daughter btw- she is lucky to have you.

That's great news OP. I totally understand that it feels fragile and precious. A child of an addict can never relax even when their parent is clean/sober. Sadly my parent has ruined their health to the point that even if they stayed clean they would still be disabled and incapable.

What a lovely update OP, I really hope it continues 🙏

Hi Op any update? I am going through the exact same thing just now, I could have wrote your posts, it’s the most awful thing, I love and miss my mum and what was so much

Hi all

Thank you everyone who posted with supportive words and messages.

This is a happy update from me.

My mum is still sober and it's been over a year now. Can't quite believe I am saying that. She is a completely different person and we have been repairing our relationship the last year.

A couple of things, that last rock bottom was no different to any other apart from the fact that I bought her the Alcoholics Anonymous big book and "the joy of being sober" another very helpful book. I think she got something from being able to see it from an outside perspective through sober literature and connect with it perhaps. And I think the most helpful thing was setting her up a monthly subscription to goodrays the CBD drinks. She drinks 2 or 3 cans of Goodrays a day like they're going out of fashion. She's also stopped smoking (I bought her a cigalike vape which she does instead now) so no more fear she's going to set the place on fire.

She's just far more mentally at peace now, sleeping well, got more motivation to do things etc.

Things aren't perfect, there are things I wish she wouldn't do like go down the pub (she still goes) but it's like once a week or not at all now and she says she has to go down when she knows people will be there for good conversation not just to have a drink now which is why it's so sporadic. She will have a non alcoholic drink usually, but she recently did say though that she sometimes has a half pint of bitter which I'll be honest has put my hackles up so I'm kind of anxious it's all going to slide soon but at the moment she is doing ok. And also she's still got a lot of embarrassment and shame about her addiction and isn't vocal about having conquered the drink for now, I feel like she should be so proud and shouting from the rooftops but she is very reserved and doesn't want anyone to know. Which worries me because I just think perhaps it's not full acceptance, she still speaks sometimes in euphemisms instead of being real about her addiction.

So at the moment this is a positive post, don't give up hope, my mum will be 76 this month and it's only just over a year sober. I honestly never thought she could go even a couple of months without alcohol let alone a year.

And I meant to say as well even if it does all go to shit I'm so thankful we had this year together, she's been telling me so much about her childhood, memories, times with my dad who's no longer with us etc it's been really special.

I'm glad your mum is doing better but unfortunately I have to agree with your wariness about the half pint of bitter in the pub. Fundamentally this means she isn't sober, although I appreciate that she is immeasurably more sober than she was before.

I think all you can do is enjoy this time with her, and I hope it lasts as long as possible.

Thank you for your uplifting updates. I'm glad you've got this time with your mum and that she has kept mostly clean. The half-pints aren't great, but at least she's telling you about them. I do get what you say about the lack of openness. But sometimes the hardest person to be honest with and confront is ourselves. Perhaps your mum can't bear the reality of how bad it was. I do agree with you though. At least you are alert to it and potential red flags.

You sound like a lovely person and a wonderful daughter. You've been through so much. I wish you all the very best for many more happy times ahead. x