Frustrated trying to support DH

[Toohotrightnow]

Am I unsupportive or just reasonably tired?
Dh has an alcohol problem. I’ve been aware for over a year, shock and disappointment and upset at this, being lied to and deceived has long gone, left with hoping this time it improves but not overly optimistic.
He’s low at the moment, keeps trying to be affectionate, hold my hand, hug etc and I just don’t want to. I know he’s feeling as and guilty and wants reassurance but I just can’t do it.
I’ve said the right things, but I gave 2 kids to look after, elderly parent and work full time, am I being unsupportive?

[Toohotrightnow]

Oops, sorry for the typos, I have 2 children and he feels bad.

[Burnamer]

No - you’re not unreasonable. Is he seeking help?

[Toohotrightnow]

Yes, finally. Being referred to alchohol team, lots of feeling he has let me down and I suppose he wants me to reassure him.

[Burnamer]

But he has let you down. He lied to you.
Part of dealing with an alcoholic problem is recognising the truth. It’s tough and painful but there you go.
You telling him it’s all fine won’t help. Could you say something positive about the future like, if he deals with the issue then you are looking forward to rebuilding a life with him?

[pointythings]

You're allowed to feel he's let you down. Unless you've never tried talking to him about his alcohol problems, he should already know that it's an issue for you. You're allowed to be disappointed that he has taken so long to admit he has a problem and decide to seek help. All of your feelings are valid.

I would strongly advise you to seek support for yourself, either from Al-Anon or from SMART Family& Friends (the latter is fully secular) because being the partner of an addict is exhausting and stressful (been there).

Your absolute priority should be caring for yourself and for your DC. You cannot support your husband if you don't look after yourself, and ultimately he is the one who has to put in the work to become sober, not you. It is not selfish to put yourself and your DC first here, it's common sense.

Lastly, your reassurance should not take the form of 'I will never leave you, no matter what'. Because when you're sharing your life with someone in addiction, leaving is an option that must always be on the table as a last resort, especially since you have children.

[Toohotrightnow]

Thank you both. I have said I don’t want to disrupt our family and want to support him to get through this but I also need space. It’s our anniversary soon, which I’m dreading as he wants to do something and I just don’t.
Maybe I’ll suggest postponing it for a month and then celebrating progress.
I’m sorry you’ve been through similar.
You’re right, I’ve tried to do it with him but he needs to take the ownership which hopefully he’s doing now.
I’ve tried a SMART meeting online, will go to more I think. Thanks for replies

[Burnamer]

Actually OP I was on the other side of it. I’ve been sober 6.5 years and I’m lucky that DP is still with me. So I can say with certainty that you do not have to / should not sugar coat things with your DH. If you don’t want to celebrate your anniversary because he has let you down that’s ok.
Your feelings matter too.

[Burnamer]

Also, I am an atheist but found AA life changing so don’t let a lack of belief in God put you off Al-Anon necessarily.

[Toohotrightnow]

Thank you for sharing, that’s good to know, also about AA and Alanon as dh is atheist