Frustrated trying to support DH

[Toohotrightnow]

Am I unsupportive or just reasonably tired?
Dh has an alcohol problem. I’ve been aware for over a year, shock and disappointment and upset at this, being lied to and deceived has long gone, left with hoping this time it improves but not overly optimistic.
He’s low at the moment, keeps trying to be affectionate, hold my hand, hug etc and I just don’t want to. I know he’s feeling as and guilty and wants reassurance but I just can’t do it.
I’ve said the right things, but I gave 2 kids to look after, elderly parent and work full time, am I being unsupportive?

Oops, sorry for the typos, I have 2 children and he feels bad.

No - you’re not unreasonable. Is he seeking help?

Yes, finally. Being referred to alchohol team, lots of feeling he has let me down and I suppose he wants me to reassure him.

But he has let you down. He lied to you.
Part of dealing with an alcoholic problem is recognising the truth. It’s tough and painful but there you go.
You telling him it’s all fine won’t help. Could you say something positive about the future like, if he deals with the issue then you are looking forward to rebuilding a life with him?

You're allowed to feel he's let you down. Unless you've never tried talking to him about his alcohol problems, he should already know that it's an issue for you. You're allowed to be disappointed that he has taken so long to admit he has a problem and decide to seek help. All of your feelings are valid.

I would strongly advise you to seek support for yourself, either from Al-Anon or from SMART Family& Friends (the latter is fully secular) because being the partner of an addict is exhausting and stressful (been there).

Your absolute priority should be caring for yourself and for your DC. You cannot support your husband if you don't look after yourself, and ultimately he is the one who has to put in the work to become sober, not you. It is not selfish to put yourself and your DC first here, it's common sense.

Lastly, your reassurance should not take the form of 'I will never leave you, no matter what'. Because when you're sharing your life with someone in addiction, leaving is an option that must always be on the table as a last resort, especially since you have children.

Thank you both. I have said I don’t want to disrupt our family and want to support him to get through this but I also need space. It’s our anniversary soon, which I’m dreading as he wants to do something and I just don’t.
Maybe I’ll suggest postponing it for a month and then celebrating progress.
I’m sorry you’ve been through similar.
You’re right, I’ve tried to do it with him but he needs to take the ownership which hopefully he’s doing now.
I’ve tried a SMART meeting online, will go to more I think. Thanks for replies

Actually OP I was on the other side of it. I’ve been sober 6.5 years and I’m lucky that DP is still with me. So I can say with certainty that you do not have to / should not sugar coat things with your DH. If you don’t want to celebrate your anniversary because he has let you down that’s ok.
Your feelings matter too.

Also, I am an atheist but found AA life changing so don’t let a lack of belief in God put you off Al-Anon necessarily.

Thank you for sharing, that’s good to know, also about AA and Alanon as dh is atheist

I’ve just reread old threads I started about stbeh drinking.
Feeling sad that we are now separated, mid divorce and I still find it hard to let go of the hope that he will one day recover, see everything he’s done and want to be the kind, honest and caring person he used to be.
This thread I mentioned he wanted affection and I didn’t feel able. He has recently told me I didn’t support him enough as I never told him I loved him and that it would be ok.
I did at the beginning, but the lies and lies and lies and letting us down eroded my ability for that. He has made it my fault and I’ve believed it even though I’m trying not to.

Are you getting RL support in dealing with your feelings, and are you on the support thread on the alcohol board? Both would be helpful for you.

Remember, alcoholics are manipulative. They will do everything they can to convince themselves and others that their addiction is other people's fault. What he's said to you is a classic: I drink because you won't give me enough sex. Whereas the reality (speaking from experience) is usually that you don't want sex because they drink. My late husband used that one against me a lot, but let's be honest: who wants to have sex when every time they walk into the bedroom it stinks of the sweat of stale booze?

So seek support for yourself. The support thread is full of women who have been where you are, or who are still going through it. It's a safe place for you to say whatever you feel. Link here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5177307-continuing-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking

Unless you were holding him down and pouring booze down his throat, you aren't to blame for his choice to drink.

Addicts are great at finding excuses and justifications for them continuing their addiction. They know they should stop but rather than do that it's way easier to carry on and find someone else to blame.

It's not your fault. You could have showered him with affection at every opportunity and he'd then just find something/someone else to blame for him choosing to pick up the bottle. Meanwhile every time he lies to your face about drinking is another brick knocked out of the foundation of your relationship. Eventually it all just falls apart.

Thanks both.
I dip into AlAnon which is helpful and local addiction support family group.
I do know that it’s part of addiction, but it’s just really hard, as you guys know, when you can’t understand why they won’t fight it for their family.
I thought I had accepted it, but had a setback recently.
Will resolve to be better with boundaries and to stop feeling like I need to help him still

He's not choosing alcohol over you and his family. He's choosing alcohol over himself. His drinking is nothing to do with you.

Listen to @HowardTJMoon . Your STBXH isn't able to think about you and your family. The only thing that matters is feeding his addiction.

Also remember the three Cs - write them out in big letters and hang them on the wall where you can see them, because NONE of this is anything to do with you.

Quietly and calmly work through until you are divorced and then enjoy your freedom. I'm 7 years out, and life without an alcoholic in it is beautiful.

Thank you for the reminders and for the future view, appreciated

It’s not your fault. Please keep telling yourself this over and over. Alcoholics lie and are so manipulative. Of course it’s easier to blame you than confront the real problem. It’s so sad that he can’t see this, sometimes they never do, leaving everyone around them sad about a wasted life.
Hold your head up high, and go on with your children knowing they don’t have to grow up living with an alcoholic. That’s a great thing you’ve done for them (and you). Believe it.