My partner is an alcoholic

[MS22]

And I don’t know what to do.

He drinks at least 24 units daily.

He has asked me to issue him with an ultimatum, that he stops drinking or loses me. I know this won’t work though as if it was as easy as that then he wouldn’t need me to issue it.

I can’t make myself walk away, I love him so much but I’m scared that he’s killing himself and I can’t watch that either.

I don’t even know what I’m looking for by posting. It’s just breaking my heart seeing him like this and I don’t know what to do.

@tribpot is right. No support group worth its salt will just say 'well, you should just leave'. It's more about helping the person feel less alone and helping them work out what they want the future to look like, and more importantly, what it is that they really do NOT want in their lives. If you have a child who is being exposed to this man's drinking, that is the first thing to tackle and it really is important because the effects of living with an alcoholic on children are devastating. Aside from that the questions you need to ask yourself are all around what you are and are not prepared to live with. A support group can help with that.

I left my husband because of his drinking. He didn’t drink in the mornings but everyday without fail he would drink at least 6 cans and usually more.
His behaviour was fine, he was always very happy but his eyes would look glassy and he would be very chatty but have little memory of any conversations, he often walked into furniture and fell asleep in the evenings. It was a very lonely way to live and I had no regrets leaving.

I do wonder whether you are concerned about being single? Can you honestly love someone who is most definitely putting alcohol above your relationship? What about your mental health, self esteem and what you need from a normal functional relationship. If you do leave it’ll be painful, but it won’t last forever and you’ll fine. Also you are kidding yourself if you think the amount of mental and emotional space you are giving to this man isn’t affecting you daily and therefore your relationship with your dc.

@tribpot he has never done anything like this. I would walk away from him if he did. He never appears drunk, is never abusive or anything. Just falls asleep a lot and doesn’t remember most conversations. I’m more worried about the fact that I know his body can’t sustain drinking over 150 units weekly forever. And we don’t lie together yet.

Live not lie

He hasn't done anything like this yet, @MS22 - I didn't mean to imply that he had. But this is what will happen as his alcoholism progresses. You may find it much harder to walk away when he's physically ill than you would now. However, the fact that you're not living together makes my question redundant anyway. Under no circumstances should you move in.

You say, we don't live together yet, as though you are planning on moving in with him. It's best that you don't. Could you back off, give him space, say let's meet one a month to see how you are,

How unfair, he's effectively making you responsible for whether he gives up, you're not.

Op, in case it's useful and you're not aware of this service... My local substance abuse counsellors were ex addicts which made it super easy to be open.

I'll be 4 years sober in Sept and have never looked back....

However I would highly recommend he seek free NHS assistance.

You can in fact have a free (bar prescription costs) at home detox/rehab on the NHS.

You have to refer to your local substance abuse centre. Some will let you self refer, some may require Dr referal.

They should be able to offer support.

You can find them here www.nhs.uk/Service-Search/find-an-alcohol-addiction-service/location.

Avoid CGL they seem to direct to Detox UK who will charge. If you struggle to get free help, these can help: Dear Albert can help: www.dearalbert.co.uk/nhs-alcohol-detox/.

I did around 3 months counselling once a week prior and again after. 10 day at home detox with family support.

The medication made phyical withdrawal smooth and easy to the point I didn't have a single side effect.

@theemmadilemma
what a fantastic post - great advice OP, please take it.

@MS22 The AA and Al-Anon both have open meetings where either the alcoholic or / and their partners can drop in. I run an online meeting for our local Al Anon meeting and we have people come in person or online for one meeting to see what it’s like and to see if it’s for them. Might be an option. You’re in a tough position and you’ve had some great advice here. Al Anon don’t tell you what to do but by hearing other people’s stories it helps to calm and clear your mind. Don’t worry about the “God” element in either group; the ‘higher power’ is not necessarily a religious one for people. For me, my higher power is the support I get from the group.

She does love him

@MS22 how are you?
I decided to post as i found myself in a relationship with someone who turns out has drinking habit too:( And just like your dp he is lovely, sweet, never abusive just drinks way too much. We’ve been together for 2.5 months only and i am pretty sure he’s been drinking every single day (we see each other a few days per week). Everything we do involves alcohol, a walk ends up in a pub, then movie at home with him going through cans of beer and a bottle of wine. It’s sad as he is lovely.
When we’re apart he goes to bed very late and sleeps through the day pretty much. I hear from him in the afternoon and i’m starting to feel lonely. His dad died of alcoholism too:( Im at the point where i’m wondering if i should stop seeing him or stick around and hope he seeks help. He know he drinks too much.

I agree with people that your son will be impacted by it even if you don’t live together. We obviously don’t and i have 2 kids (divorced) and a demanding job and i find that his issues are starting to occupy too much of my headspace. Thoughts about what potentially lies ahead keep circling in my mind and i am not ‘there’ for my kids or work like i should/could be.

Sorry this post is just me me me and my story, just wanted to say what you are going through resonates with me even though we are at different stages in our relationships.

@BumblebeeAndPoppy run and don't look back. There are other lovely men out there without alcohol issues.

@BumblebeeAndPoppy

I honestly think that as you have two kids, continuing to date a man you know has an alcohol problem, let alone one who this early is already taking up your headspace more than a non alcoholic would be, is irresponsible and not putting them first.

I know that might sound unkind of me but I think that as you're clearly a kind person you're in danger of investing in someone you think can 'be better' than they are but not focusing on the fact they aren't a suitable partner especially for someone with kids to consider.

You've acknowledged this already but perhaps need outsiders to encourage you to listen to the voice in your head telling you that you need to prioritise your children and dating this man isn't doing that.

I hope you can make the right decision for them, which is also the right decision for you

@monsteramunch @BritInAus
thank you for posting a reply. My kids are 14 and 8, they haven’t met this guy and i intend to keep it this way for as long or short it might last.
I do feel sorry for him as his dad’s death was traumatic for him and surely didn’t help matters although i believe he was well into his drinking before that happened. He is lovely but i am very cautious and seeing it for what it is. I know this is going nowhere with his issues:(

@BumblebeeAndPoppy for your kids sake and for your own sanity, walk away. You are clearly a caring person but this man was on this path before he met you and before his father died. You are not going to be able to 'save' him. He will let you down time and again because his most important relationship is with alcohol. Focus on your children because you can make a difference to their lives -you can do nothing for him.