My partner is an alcoholic

[MS22]

And I don’t know what to do.

He drinks at least 24 units daily.

He has asked me to issue him with an ultimatum, that he stops drinking or loses me. I know this won’t work though as if it was as easy as that then he wouldn’t need me to issue it.

I can’t make myself walk away, I love him so much but I’m scared that he’s killing himself and I can’t watch that either.

I don’t even know what I’m looking for by posting. It’s just breaking my heart seeing him like this and I don’t know what to do.

@MS22

Only he can get help himself help. He can't just go cold turkey cause that would be dangerous, it would be a weening situation with the help of professionals.

... but if he's saying it's too hard, is that an excuse to keep drinking?

AA is for alcoholics, not just for those who have gone and started the process.
It's a really good place to go. I know lots of people who have had drinking addictions who have managed to stay on the 12 Step program and keeping up with regular meetings and talking to their sponsor if they're feeling tempted.

Yes, I’ve told him this would be dangerous due to how much he has been drinking and for how long. I didn’t realise the extent of it. So I have suggested professional help but he refuses or has an answer to anything I suggest😢

One minute, he tells me he’s fine and could stop anytime he wants but enjoys it or gets bored otherwise. And the next minute he tells me he can’t stop and I can’t understand and he will never change. He’s said a few times he doesn’t want to be here and it would probably be better if he went to sleep one night and didn’t wake back up. He’s even told me if I love him I would help him not wake up. And then the last thing was the ultimatum suggestion. Maybe he’s too far gone for any sort of help😢

I wish he was horrible to me, would be easier. He has a huge heart and I’ve never loved anyone the way I love him.

Living with an alcoholic is hell on earth my advice is to get out before you have kids etc then it's harder to leave then. Writing from experience.

I wish my mother had been strong enough to say something to my father. Instead she left it, and left it, and eventually he suffered the consequences. We all did. She & my sister went out one day, I went over to pick something up (I’d moved out a year or so previously). The back door was open & there were little patches all over the path & kitchen floor where he’d been sick. I went upstairs & he was on the bed, vomit everywhere, down the side of the bed, on the floor, on him. He was making a horrible noise, crying. He said he was having a migraine due to the hangover - he got a lot of migraines. I had to get him to the bathroom & help him clean up, tried to scrub the carpet etc.
She arrived home eventually & took me home with the item I’d gone to pick up (it was heavy). She rang that evening & told me she was taking him to hospital. It turned out he’d had a brain haemorrhage, it had probably started during the night. He was in hospital 5 months. That was 15 years ago, he’s still pretty severely disabled from the brain damage.

My DH had a period of some pretty heavy drinking for a while before we got married. Having seen where it was leading my father (this was before the above incident happened) I told him straight that if he didn’t quit drinking, that we were splitting up, the engagement/wedding was off, he could move out. (Tenancy was in my name). I told him it was his choice if he wanted to continue drinking but I wasn’t going watch him circling the drain like I had to watch my father. He quit.

Alcoholics destroy lives.

There is nothing but misery ahead for you with this man. Save yourself, and your child. Do not even think about trying to "save" him.

From some of your posts, you might want to think about seeking therapy for yourself as this is not the first time you have found yourself in a relationship with an alcoholic. This is not a healthy relationship pattern.

He may not be horrible to you, but he is horribly manipulative. Alcoholics are. He is putting the burden of his illness and his recovery on you. And because you are codependent you let him. Please seek help from Al-Anon or Smart Family and Friends. Being in a relationship with an addict messes with your mind. I have been there.

Yes, you do need to leave. Yes, it will be hard. Yes, your life will be infinitely better.

The ultimatum won’t work. Even if you did threaten to leave, he’d keep drinking. He needs to stop by and for himself. He doesn’t want to, he wants to place the responsibility on you.

Well I’ve had another conversation with him and it’s clear he doesn’t want to stop so I’m going to have to find the strength to leave him😢

You ultimately need to take care of you and your son. That's it. Focus on that.

Your partner is an adult who needs to take responsibility for himself and his wellbeing and his future. AA isn't for everyone (it's not for me), but there are so many options out there now and so many different approaches. He doesn't have to hit 'rock bottom' to stop. But he does need to want to stop and choose to for himself and not for anyone else.

Put yourself and your child first and give him the space he needs to figure out what's next for him.

I remember reading this post and thinking my god that was me 10 years ago. So I just wanted to check in with you and see how you are doing? You have had some really good advice here but I know that where your head is at, you almost want a magic solution. There isn't one. When I re-read your post, all I can hear is him not actually wanting to stop drinking and as long as that is the case - he won't. He clearly knows how much this is upsetting you, and hurting you, but still refuses to do anything about it. I hope you have managed to look after yourself.

I've been reading people's posts and I'm in the same situation as most. I don't live with my partner but see him every day. He either stays at mine or me at his. I work nights. He's now retired. His routine is Potter around the house doing nothing much, then 5 o'clock every night he goes to the pub. Then home, cooks food and continues to drink. By the time we eat he is totally hammered! That's when the verbal abuse will start. I've put up with it for 5 years. We split for 3 months, he cut down and saw the Doctor. I stupidly thought he loved me enough to stop but his first love is alcohol. Over the years bit by bit my anxiety has got worse. I can't sleep. I no longer see my friends, if I do it's an issue. I don't get any me time. He is argumentative and makes me feel like it's my fault. I think I love him! Or is it just that I've become more reliant on him and he has that control over me. I'm stuck in a rut. He never remembers what is said when he's drunk! But I do! It's destroying my self Esteem, confidence and feel worthless. I was such an outgoing person but now I'm isolated from the outside world apart from work! I'm scared that if I leave him he will drink himself into oblivion and then ill feel responsible. He always complains my son is lazy, my son has witnessed many arguments and his nasty mouth when drunk. I think it's affecting his mood too. He's 21 but not outgoing and stays in his room most of the time. He hardly says 2 words to me anymore! I'm feeling so alone and just don't know which way to turn 😕 it's affecting my head and mentally draining me!

So basically he's abnegated all personal responsibility for drinking himself to death, and wants you to stand by and witness his decline because ifnyounpressbthe truth on him it will be too hard for him to deal with.

You will have to say goodbye to him and live many decades after he kills himself. His condition is terminal, have no doubt about that. You need to conquer your fears.

You did not cause his drinking.
You cannot control it.
You cannot cure it.
You will learn this mantra if you go to Al Anon.

Truth without compassion is cruelty - but compassion without truth is enabling. Codependency happens when you leave your power at the coat check and enter into a destructive, dependent relationship where you feed some need in yourself that you will have to address if you are to live out your true purpose in this life.

Your post reminds me strongly of Jim Morrison's song Riders on the Storm. You should listen to it. The killer on the road is the addict. The addict's magical thinking - girl you gotta love your man' - is an instruction not to bust the addict's bubble. Your H doesn't want to do the work on himself that recovery will demand. He wants to drive merrily on in denial while he tears your life apart and kills himself in installments.

That is the future he sees for the two of you.

He doesn’t need to be sober. It’s best not to actually turn up to a meeting drunk though.

Millions of people recover from alcoholism. It’s not easy, not everyone succeeds, but it can be done.

Just leave. No ultimatum. Better yet, ask him to leave. He’s dragging you into his addiction by asking for an ultimatum. Pathetic. You can love him and also not be in a relationship. He is responsible for himself. And you deserve a life not dragged down by an alcoholic. Move on. You deserve better. And yes it’s sad he is addicted but it’s really not worth staying around for, especially as he isn’t getting help.

The ultimatum is awful - he's putting the responsibility on you. If he wants to take control of his problem drinking, he needs to get on and do that.

Not ask you to issue an ultimatum. Ridiculous. What does he want - to be able to tell a sob story later on if you actually follow through?

I've been there - my ex DP drank herself to death at the age of 41 - life once I'd left her was a million times better.

@GodessOfThunder I don't doubt that some people succeed in lifting themselves out of alcoholism, but not before leaving a trail of destruction behind them.

It’s not got any better since my op.

Every time we have a conversation about it, he acts like the conversation never happened the next day. I don’t think he ever remembers much we talk about to be honest. It’s starting to feel lonely.

He knows he has a problem and knows he needs to stop altogether as he can’t cut down, as even one drink leads to him needing to continue. I don’t think he’s been 100% sober in a long time, he has a drink as soon as he wakes up in the morning. But I don’t think he wants to stop. He says he will be bored and what else will he do. But other times he says he knows it’s going to ruin our relationship as things can only get worse and I’m the best thing to happen to him.

I just don’t know what to do. I love him so much. But I don’t want to watch him killing himself anymore. I have started pulling away a bit and focusing on myself. Don’t really know if he’s noticed😥

I May give Al anon a call but I don’t know if they will help me to be honest as I know what I need to do, I just can’t do it yet.

My reading of the ultimatum is he is using it as a prompt to tackle his drinking. I think those who are reading it some manipulative terrible thing are missing this. I don’t think it’s an underhand of getting you to say his drinking is Ok.

Ultimatum or not, you can either:

a) See what happens. If he does quit he will likely be happier and more present, so that’s good. If he doesn’t

b) Leave him now if you wish to follow the advice of pp above. But, regardless of the personal experiences of these posters there are plenty of people who quit without leaving a trail of harm and havoc. How do I know? Because I am likely acquainted with far more alcoholics and their recovery stories than these posters.

@MS22 I am so sorry for what you are going through. This is a cycle that only you can break. Al Anon have a freephone helpline on 0800 0086 811 and you have nothing to lose by calling.

You are in a deeply unhealthy dysfunctional relationship with a man who is shifting responsibility for his "recovery" onto you.

I cannot begin to explain how damaging this is to you.

I have no doubt that he will also be playing the guilt card by threatening to kill himself if you leave him. This is another (highly abusive) tactic of alcoholics.

Please seek help today. You could also contact Women's Aid.

@GodessOfThunder I don’t think he is trying to be manipulative at all. I think he is a victim of this terrible disease and he doesn’t see a way out of it. I don’t want to leave him, I love him. I want to support him but I don’t want to enable him either so it’s very hard.

@Sicario I don’t need women’s aid, he is in no way abusive. He constantly tells me I would be better off without him and deserve better than this and he’s told me he wouldn’t blame me at all if I left him. The problem is I love him so much that I don’t want to leave him. I have told him that his recovery isn’t my responsibility and it’s not fair for him to put that pressure on me. I know this is going to end in tears for me but I can’t make myself leave him so I think I’m going to need to wait for it to play out the way it’s going to.

@GodessOfThunder I don't think you can make that assumption. I reckon the majority of posters on these thread, myself included, have or have had at least one alcoholic in their lives who has left a trail of devastation. (I had two). My Dsis was the one whose partner recovered.

Looking at the support group for relatives I run, recovery rates are not high.

And I don’t even know what I would say if I called Al anon.

Al Anon know that it isn't easy just to let go, @MS22 . They will focus on you and what you need, not just say 'right so it's obvious: you leave, the end'.

I do think you will regret not separating yourself a bit further from him, if you're waiting for the end of this story. You could have years of him smashing up the house, pissing on the furniture, multiple hospital admissions where the expectation is that he can be discharged to your care, the whole nine yards. Would you consider moving out so you have your own safe space?