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Alcohol support

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Original poster

My partner is an alcoholic

66 replies

MS22 · 09/05/2023 12:13

And I don’t know what to do.

He drinks at least 24 units daily.

He has asked me to issue him with an ultimatum, that he stops drinking or loses me. I know this won’t work though as if it was as easy as that then he wouldn’t need me to issue it.

I can’t make myself walk away, I love him so much but I’m scared that he’s killing himself and I can’t watch that either.

I don’t even know what I’m looking for by posting. It’s just breaking my heart seeing him like this and I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
BloodyInternetWeirdos · 09/05/2023 13:08

If you don’t issue the ultimatum it’s a green light for him to continue.
He is asking you for help.
It may work, it may not, but he will carry on drinking himself to death if you do nothing.
I’m sorry Flowers Alcoholism is awful for loved ones as well as the drinker.

Original poster
MS22 · 09/05/2023 13:38

@BloodyInternetWeirdos how can I issue the ultimatum if I’m not willing to follow through on it though? I’m not under any illusion that it will be easy for him to stop, so I would rather help him in another way than telling him to stop drinking or I will leave him as I don’t think I would be able to.

It would be easier for me if he was horrible to me when drinking (although I’m not sure he has been totally sober for a long time). But he isn’t. He loves me so much and treats me so well and he’s my best friend.

It really is an awful disease😢

OP posts:
caringcarer · 09/05/2023 14:08

Would he go to AA meetings?

Original poster
MS22 · 09/05/2023 14:20

@caringcarer he has went before, years ago before we were together and managed to stay sober for a couple of months. He said he can’t go back as you need to be sober to attend them but from having a look online, this doesn’t seem to be the case so I will maybe send him the links.

OP posts:
HairyFeline · 09/05/2023 14:23

No, you don’t have to be “not drinking” to attend.. one day at time…not drinking ‘today’ is the key.
Have you looked into Al-Anon, OP? The support for families and relatives of alcoholics?

FusionChefGeoff · 09/05/2023 14:30

Can you look at it like this:

He needs rock bottom OR an ultimatum to help him stop drinking.

So issue the ultimatum and he either gets help and stops or you leave - which could be the start of his final decline to rock bottom when he gets help.

If you protect him from the consequences of his drinking it will take longer for him to actually get better.

Does that make sense??

Also yes to you getting help via Al Anon

tribpot · 09/05/2023 14:33

This is the partner book to the one that really helped me when I stopped drinking, it's written for friends and family: https://amzn.eu/d/cWfdvl2 It will definitely be worth you reading this, but I think the message you're going to find is that only the drinker can decide to stop drinking. He is manipulating you by making it your ultimatum. If you make it and then don't leave when he continues to drink, it means the drinking problem isn't that bad (it is).

Bring the focus back to yourself. Start attending some meetings of Al-Anon and see what help is out there for you. You can't solve his addiction. He can attend AA whilst still drinking, but is choosing not to, in favour of putting the burden on you. He needs to do the bare minimum himself, which I would suggest is going to his GP so his liver can be tested.

HuntingoftheSnark · 09/05/2023 14:41

MS22 · 09/05/2023 14:20

@caringcarer he has went before, years ago before we were together and managed to stay sober for a couple of months. He said he can’t go back as you need to be sober to attend them but from having a look online, this doesn’t seem to be the case so I will maybe send him the links.

The only requirement for AA is a desire to stop drinking. Some people do continue to drink in the early days - although it's not encouraged in any way, I am not suggesting that. But AA is much more than just sitting through meetings; it's working a programme of recovery and absolutely wanting sobriety with every fibre of your being. Someone else can't bestow that desire upon you - you have to want it for yourself. So no, I don't see how asking another person for an ultimatum is either fair to you or helpful to him.

Original poster
MS22 · 09/05/2023 14:44

@HairyFeline that’s good to know, I’ll tell him this.

Yes, I’ve had a look and see that they do online meetings. I might try one of them to see if it is any use to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
MS22 · 09/05/2023 14:48

@FusionChefGeoff Yes all that makes total sense.

The problem is that I’m scared it won’t work and I don’t know how I will cope if I have to leave him. Even if it’s the best thing for him. Or I’m scared that he will get worse as he’s told me if he loses me he will have nothing so then it will be my fault if anything bad happens to him.

OP posts:
PlusOneMet · 09/05/2023 14:50

his alcoholism is not your fault. Do you have kids? Because leaving him is what you need to do for your kids. My father was an alcoholic and to this day my self esteem is so knocked I can’t describe the plethora of mental Health issues I have because of this

Original poster
MS22 · 09/05/2023 14:58

@tribpot thanks, I’ll have a look.

Yes, I said this to him. That he is putting a lot of pressure on me to make him stop drinking when I believe he has to want to do it himself. But he said I should be calling him out on it more rather than just letting him get on with it as I have been doing. I haven’t said much to him other than I’m worried about his health as I thought that there wouldn’t be much point.

I have suggested him going to the gp for liver tests but he said no as what’s the point in finding out if there is something wrong as it won’t stop him drinking. I have suggested asking gp for help via a detox or medication but he said no as he’s been before and they said they didn’t think he had a problem and what’s the point in covering it with other medication.

I don’t know how to get through to him. He seems to think me issuing an ultimatum is the solution as he loves me more than alcohol. But I don’t think it’s as simple as that.

OP posts:
Original poster
MS22 · 09/05/2023 15:01

Thanks @HuntingoftheSnark

This is my opinion too, I don’t see how an ultimatum will help.

OP posts:
Andante57 · 09/05/2023 15:05

As pp have suggested op, please go to Al Anon. You will get help and support from people who have been through/are going through the same thing.
Also you can issue an ultimatum but in the end he has to want to to stop.

Original poster
MS22 · 09/05/2023 15:06

@PlusOneMet I know it isn’t my fault. I meant that if I left him and he ended up worse or hurting himself then I would blame myself.

No we don’t have any kids together. I have a teen from a previous relationship and we don’t live together yet due to this so he isn’t affected by it. My ex was a problem binge drinker and was abusive when drunk so I’m upset to find myself in a similar situation minus any abuse. I should have seen the signs better at the beginning.

OP posts:
Winniethepig · 09/05/2023 15:13

Speaking as a an ex partner of a problem drinker, delivering an ultimatum won't work. They need to decide themselves to stop. That usually involves hitting rock bottom. Rock bottom is different and difficult for them and anyone who cares for them.

If you care for yourself and value yourself, and you don't love him anymore, Walk away. You don't want to see rockbottom and have to deal with it if you don't love him. And if he really did love you, he'd listen to you, and do something about his drinking problem.

Original poster
MS22 · 09/05/2023 15:15

Winniethepig · 09/05/2023 15:13

Speaking as a an ex partner of a problem drinker, delivering an ultimatum won't work. They need to decide themselves to stop. That usually involves hitting rock bottom. Rock bottom is different and difficult for them and anyone who cares for them.

If you care for yourself and value yourself, and you don't love him anymore, Walk away. You don't want to see rockbottom and have to deal with it if you don't love him. And if he really did love you, he'd listen to you, and do something about his drinking problem.

I do love him. That’s the problem. I love him so much that I can’t walk away.

OP posts:
tribpot · 09/05/2023 15:17

I have a teen from a previous relationship and we don’t live together yet due to this so he isn’t affected by it.

I would imagine your teen is affected by the amount of headspace this addiction will be taking up. And he/she will be increasingly affected as your DP starts to become iller / loses his job. He can't be particularly amusing to be around at 24 units a day?

You have a history of relationships with substance misusers - I would have a look into co-dependency.

Your ultimatum is absolutely not the key to his sobriety, he is. He has a whole raft of excuses for refusing to get any help; he isn't going to get sober. Remember the three Cs:

  • you didn't cause it
  • you can't control it
  • you can't cure it.

Time to take a massive step back and focus on yourself.

HappyintheHills · 09/05/2023 15:19

You need to love him enough to leave.

He is wrong to be manipulating you but work with what you have.

Split with him when he relapses and tell him you will only take him back in return for his 90 day medal from AA.

HappyintheHills · 09/05/2023 15:21

Oh yes and the 3Cs - you need to live by them.

Original poster
MS22 · 09/05/2023 15:28

tribpot · 09/05/2023 15:17

I have a teen from a previous relationship and we don’t live together yet due to this so he isn’t affected by it.

I would imagine your teen is affected by the amount of headspace this addiction will be taking up. And he/she will be increasingly affected as your DP starts to become iller / loses his job. He can't be particularly amusing to be around at 24 units a day?

You have a history of relationships with substance misusers - I would have a look into co-dependency.

Your ultimatum is absolutely not the key to his sobriety, he is. He has a whole raft of excuses for refusing to get any help; he isn't going to get sober. Remember the three Cs:

  • you didn't cause it
  • you can't control it
  • you can't cure it.

Time to take a massive step back and focus on yourself.

My child isn’t affected by it at the moment as my partner works a lot and I have a full time job also, so I usually see him alternate weekends when my teen is with his dad or other family.

But we had plans to move in together soon and I know this would affect my teen as he would notice the drinking so this obviously can’t happen.

He never appears that drunk to be honest. Sometimes he will but mostly he will just sleep if he gets too drunk. Anything we do, he has to have access to alcohol or he won’t go.

I am worried that he can’t stay as functioning as he is for much longer. His appetite is poor and although he never misses a day of work, I’m sure there will come a point where he gets too ill to work.

I’ll have a look at co dependency.

And if I’m honest, I don’t think he will get sober either.

But I can’t bring myself to step back when I love him as much as I do😢

OP posts:
mopeymouse · 09/05/2023 15:31

My ex use to drink 4 bottles of red wine a night (a box on special nights) and also use to swig voddy out of water bottles (found that out later). However, he "didn't have a drink problem". In my experience you can't tell an alcoholic you think they're an alcoholic because they're obviously in denial about the issue.

I had to leave the situation

Original poster
MS22 · 09/05/2023 15:34

mopeymouse · 09/05/2023 15:31

My ex use to drink 4 bottles of red wine a night (a box on special nights) and also use to swig voddy out of water bottles (found that out later). However, he "didn't have a drink problem". In my experience you can't tell an alcoholic you think they're an alcoholic because they're obviously in denial about the issue.

I had to leave the situation

He knows he’s an alcoholic. He’s said it in they exact words. But says he can’t stop.

OP posts:
mopeymouse · 09/05/2023 15:35

.. I hadn't finished!

I also loved my ex so much, but his father died young, he had a heart attack then while he was in hospital he had a stroke and his mum also had a heart attack when she was quite young. I couldn't 'save' him as there wasn't a problem and I didn't want to see him die.

Original poster
MS22 · 09/05/2023 15:36

HappyintheHills · 09/05/2023 15:19

You need to love him enough to leave.

He is wrong to be manipulating you but work with what you have.

Split with him when he relapses and tell him you will only take him back in return for his 90 day medal from AA.

Yes, I think you’re right but it’s so hard😢

I think I’ll tell him that’s he’s wrong about having to be sober to go to AA so if he goes to a meeting we can take it from there. If he refuses to go to a meeting then I don’t think I have another choice but to leave him.

OP posts: