My DH's drinking (whilst high functioning) is MY problem, isn't it?

[brightenup]

I am so scared to post this, I have been sitting on this for three days and here I am tearing up again, but here we go...

All the time I thought it was just HIS problem, but after listening to al-anon (US) introductory podcasts, I reluctantly can see that his abundance of drinking is MY problem too.

It is my problem, because he's said and done a few hurtful things over the years that sometimes still make me feel unloved and hurt when I think about it.

It is my problem, because his drinking causes me regularly to fret, get wound up, upset and angry for hours at end, and lack of sleep, when he's out and comes home much later again than the said he would. I am then tired and have no energy the next day.

It is my problem, because it hurts me so bad that he chooses spending his time holding a drink in his hand over spending time to invest in intimacy or connection in our relationship.

It is my problem, because the above take up SO much of MY mental headspace for feelings of being hurt, cross, upset, lonely and unloved. I feel stuck and unable to use my energy for myself.

This is not a LTB thread, I have not given him an ultimatum and am not in a position to do so for a variety of reasons.

Instead, does anyone recognise the impact of your partner's drinking on you whilst everything on the outside looks normal (professional job, happy family etc). Anybody else scared to face this as their own problem, or has done so and has some words of wisdom or support to share?

I am posting this as hopefully a first step for my own wellbeing, to remove the barrier to get my head out of the sand, because if it is my problem I can work on what is mine right? Even though it feels so incredibly unfair and scary...

It's all HIS problem and all this AA stuff is gaslighting you into thinking it's your fault.

It sounds utterly dreadful and whilst you've said you're planning to stay, you can be sure that there will be very many of us advising you to leave, including me.

It's your problem in that it's making your life unhappy and that ultimately you can only change things for yourself, you can't make him change, but it's not your problem to "cure" his drinking. My XP prioritised drinking, and I left 7 years after I should have done. Eleven years later he's still prioritising his drinking, though he also runs a successful organisation. I wish I'd left much sooner.

If you have children you need to leave him for their sake. Trust me.

Your only problem is you’re living with a drunk. The only way to work on that is to leave. Whatever it takes.

Firstly his drinking is not your fault.

But yes of course his drinking impacts you. I have been there...I left when in a moment of utter clarity I knew things would never, ever get better.

I hope you find way to get out.

His drinking creates problems for you, immense problems, and you are unable to live an authentic life as a result.

If you wait for him to change, you will be there forever, and your true self will gradually disappear.

All you can do is get out. There is always a way out. Don't wait for his rock bottom to appear.

You do need to issue that ultimatum. (When he’s sober ) - have you talked about this and how his drinking impacts on you? You are enabling his behaviour by sweeping it under the carpet. I was in your position and it got to the ultimatum -“ it’s me or the booze”. Moderation hadn’t worked. We’ve now been alcohol free for 2 years, I can’t tell you how much better my life and relationship is.

His drinking and behaviour causes you anxiety, and yet he continues to do it.
It’s not you.

His drinking is his problem and he is responsible for it. It becomes your problem when his behaviour starts to affect you. So he needs to cut down on his alcohol dependence. It can be done. A couple I know he was drinking far too much and it was affecting the family and for the sake of the family he cut it out and went onto very low alcohol beer and it has solved the problem

Well of course his alcoholism impacts on your life - it will be impacting on the kids too if you have any. Your problem is that impact from his addiction.

Either he gets control of his drinking or you will end up leaving him - at least I hope you will.

Calling it a problem sounds like it can be fixed. It's an addiction which can be treated by your DH if he goes to the correct support.

One thing I read whcih I am happy to be corrected about, is that the alcoholic, once alcohol free turns away from his close family and friends and sets off on a new course. So even if he did sort his addiction, he might not want to be with you at the end of it.

Start distancing yourself and finding a separate life for yourself.

Another poor woman who believes she deserves to have her life destroyed by the appalling actions and decisions of a feckless man. 😞

Co-dependency features in relationships with addicts but please know that whether he drinks or not is ultimately up to him and his own choice.

I recommend trying friends and family meetings with Smart Recovery. Their approach is different than AA. They have online and face to face meetings.
Today there is a UK meeting at 7:30 to 9pm online on zoom
ZOOM MEETING ID: 95607170356
PASSCODE: 262605

If you have children in the home it gets very complicated because you can only shelter them so much and you are responsible for them. No matter how stuck you feel, your children will feel 10 times more stuck. They really are the helpless ones in this.
I would get support for yourself and make a plan to be in a position that you are able to leave if you decide to. Focus on what you can take control of: your life.
If he is drinking in the home, you do not have to be in the same area. You can remove yourself and children.
You can do activities without him.

Basically, if you follow my advice you will see that this block and fear of life without your husband is possible. You will start carving a life for yourself. You will naturally stop covering up so much for him.

You say this is not a LTB thread but ultimately that's what it boils down to. His drinking is your problem because he is in your life and his drinking is affecting your life. I just hope you don't have children because that really complicates things as in even if you separate if his drinking is not documented to be out of control he will have partial custody and will have them alone.
Please consider posting again maybe in a new thread for advice about this or get legal advice.

MmeMeursault · Today 06:31
It's all HIS problem and all this AA stuff is gaslighting you into thinking it's your fault.

AA & Al Anon do not ‘gaslight’ anyone into thinking their partner’s drinking is their fault. Where did you get this idea from?

Thank you for all supportive and constructive messages, and especially seeing also from those who have been in this position or seen it. It was really a big step for me to post yesterday, I hope you appreciate that. I did not see the point of opening a thread only being responded to with loads of one-liners of LTB, which I am so glad didn't happen in this case.

I have work to do, I know. So does my DH. I am not sure yet how to go about this, but I think I'll try counselling for myself to take this further and work out how best to set boundaries (and, unfortunately, consequences), because of course I know this is not right.

I'll look into smart recovery, enabling and co-dependency too.

His drinking is NOT your problem.

His drinking is his problem. Your problem is the effect that an alcoholic partner is currently having on you.

You need to learn to deal with the alcoholic in your life in the way that is best for you. For some people, that is leaving, for others it is accepting that the drinking is not your fault.

I haven’t heard of Smart Recovery before (as recommended by a PP) but I would strongly recommend you give them a try. It is worth shopping around for a support group that resonates with you. The key thing is that you get support from a group of people who have similar experiences to yours.

Groups come in different forms and are strongly influenced by their participants. Not all Al Anon groups are the same, for example. And bear in mind that some Al Anon groups have a lot of alcoholics in their membership as alcoholism breeds alcoholism in families.

Keep trying until you find your tribe but, above all, remember that HIS DRINKING IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM!

"His drinking is NOT your problem.
His drinking is his problem. Your problem is the effect that an alcoholic partner is currently having on you."

This!!! Absolutely, 100% this. I lived with an alcoholic ex partner for 11 years. They ended up killing themself at 40 years old of alcoholic liver disease. 9 months before their death they were working in a professional role etc. I say this to a) share that I know how it feels and b) to demonstrate that I think the terms 'high-functioning' or 'functioning' alcoholic mean very little. At the end of the day, once someone has turned yellow and left their child behind at such a young age, 'functioning' doesn't mean much.

I appreciate you say you don't want to/aren't in a position to leave, and I respect that. For many people it takes many years to build up the strength/conviction/finances/just to have absolutely had enough to do so.

What I will say, gently, is that life not living with an alcoholic is all kinds of wonderful and knowing this, I regret so many years I wasted.

I will say one thing less gently - if there are children involved - then you must absolutely prioritize them. I don't think NOT leaving is an option with a problem drinker and children in the same house.

This is not a LTB thread, I have not given him an ultimatum and am not in a position to do so for a variety of reasons.

It’s your problem because you are making it your problem.

You are making yourself ill just because you don’t have the means/heart to put yourself first and leave.

Which is fine but then you can’t expect him to change if he knows you’re going to stay anyway.

We all make choices in how we want our lives to be.
You’ve chosen to support him and hope that he puts your needs, as high as he puts his own needs.

For your sake, I hope that one day he eventually does and by the time that day comes I hope your ill health is reversible.

Jeez I knew as soon as I read your first few paragraphs that many wouldn’t grasp the context/wording.

yes, it is your (many) problems because he’s created them for you.

you have to leave one day - why not make today Day 1 of planning?

No, OP, this is NOT your problem, it's his.
Unfortunately you and you family have become collateral damage.

He will not stop unless he wants to.

If you don't want to give him an ultimatium that's your choice, but you need to prepare yourself for it to get worse until, like 3 husbands I know of, he drinks himself to death.

I would suggest that you contact AA, as they help the families of drinkers, as well as the alcoholics themselves..

It's your problem OP but it's not your fault. (Some posters on here are not fully grasping the meaning or your post).

It's his problem in that he needs to do something about it. It's his to resolve.

But it's your problem in that it's affecting you. You need to decide whether you can live with this. I know you say you can't leave him for various reasons but are you really sure? You couldn't even start planning to leave in 6 months or a year? Because it sounds miserable.

I am posting this as hopefully a first step for my own wellbeing, to remove the barrier to get my head out of the sand, because if it is my problem I can work on what is mine right?

You can't work on it, not really, because you have no control over whether or not he drinks.

What you do have control over is whether you stay in the relationship (even if you think you don't, I can guarantee, you do).

What you have control over is getting your affairs in order to be ready to leave him. He is unlikely to change.

I wouldnt say his drinking is your problem but you have your own problems stemming from this (as we all do/did).

i recognise everything you are saying as its how i feel also with mine. I guess ultimately we have a decision to make. We either put up and shut up, accept things as they are (they wont stop and neither will your feelings about their drinking), or we stand up and say no more.

im at the point im saying im done but he shuts the conversation down so it never feels like we get anywhere. I do hate to upset people but unfortunately its coming to that point 😔

I was you 2 Years ago. The best thing I ever did was pull the pin and move on with my life without an alcoholic brining me down. It was the best thing I did. It took a long time for me to finally realise he wasn't going to change: for himself, our children or our marriage.