Elderly parent drinking themselves to death

[TheDepthsOfDespair]

Hiya,

NC for this.

DF is 75 and has been a functioning alcoholic for years and years. A few years ago he got in such a state that he was hospitalised for a week for a managed detox and suspected Korsakoff’s syndrome, he was sober for about a year but then gradually declined.

he spends all day alone drinking. He doesn’t eat. He can barely stand or walk. He’s been wetting himself. He’s not taking his various medications. He passes out and has all sorts of falls and injuries. This week he was in hospital after suddenly not drinking for 2 days and going into withdrawals but has now been discharged.

he doesn’t want to stop drinking and won’t engage in AA or anything similar. He knows what he’s doing and what is happening but it’s not enough to stop him.

I can’t do anything can I? He has capacity but is making poor and damaging choices.

I feel so helpless watching him self destruct and being unable to do anything about it.

Im afraid there's nothing you can do other than protect yourself. If they don't want to help themselves then no one else can either. This is my personal experience, all you can really do is set boundaries and let them know you care

Im sorry, that sounds very hard for you. Cam i suggest that you go to Al Anon? My friend found it very helpful after her mother died of alcohol related illness in her 50s.

Thank you. I’ll look into Al Anon though goodness knows how I’ll find time.

im the only person he has and I sort his appointments and everything which I don’t mind. But I have 2 young kids and a demanding job too and dealing with this unpredictable chaos is too much.

I feel awful because I said to DH earlier that part of me wishes he’d just peacefully go in his sleep one night and end this awful existence. But I love him so much that of course I don’t really want him to die.

Does he actually want to die/accelerate his death? Is he suffering from depression? Or is he scared that if he doesn't induce an alcoholic death sooner then he'll get to deal something even more painful and undignified in a few years time? How deliberate is this?

Yes, he’s very depressed and has been for a very long time. I don’t think he’s actively trying to die but I don’t think he particularly cares if he does.
although when he has been very very ill he said afterwards that he was upset to think he nearly died and was relieved he’d made it.

This makes me so sad OP. Unfortunately both my fil and mil were functioning alcoholics, until they weren't. Both held down jobs and drank nightly until they didn't. Both then just drank. Mil died at 58 a tragic accident while drinking, Fil at 65 from ill health due to it. It didn't matter how much my dh and bil begged and pleaded and helped and ran around after them they could not stop. Unfortunately it was highly unlikely there would be another outcome.

It is a horrible disease. A lot of people I know have used Al anon and gotten so much from it. My dh used a counselling service and its helped him realise that they won't stop until they want to and really they have very little control over it.

Good luck op. I hope your dad recovers.

Thanks. Sadly I have no hope at all that he will recover but just feel a bit lost with how to manage him / life like this.

Hi OP, I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through with your dad. Have you been on the Sober Recovery forums? (www.soberrecovery.com/forums) They have a very active friends and family forum where you may get good advice. Wishing you and your father the very best.

Oh @op, I could have written this my self. My MIL is 72 and is in exactly the same condition and doesn’t want help and doesn’t want to help herself. It’s heartbreaking and nothing prepares you for the whole gamut of emotions that come with that. I’m currently stuck with being angry at her selfishness. Which doesn’t help either. My DH has even told me that he hopes she just dies in her sleep so she doesn’t keep doing this to herself.

You have my every sympathy because it really is hell. 💐

This was my father after DM died prematurely. She was also an alcoholic. DF was what you describe and then some. I ended up getting DF into a care home which accepted his drinking. He ended up having a fall which caused a life-threatening brain injury. It was this that finally stopped his drinking, brain damage & alcoholic dementia. Too late to save his relationships with anyone other than me.

There’s no easy answer I’m afraid. But al anon will help you work out what you are able to do and what you want to do, help you set boundaries, reframe what you are doing and why.

It helps so much to speak to others who know exactly what it’s like.

Sorry I didn’t come back - there has been another hospital admission this week for 4 days. He detoxed in there and is currently sober (been home 2 days)….. so we’ll see what happens.

they did a capacity assessment and were talking to him about going into a home which I think horrified him. He’s going to try to remain sober.

I’m not an expert, but I’m wondering if it’s possible for someone who has been drinking for decades to detox in 4 days.

and “ trying to stay sober “ is doomed to failure without extensive support . He probably needs to attend meetings at AA ( similar ) 5 or even 7 days a week. What is he doing ?

None of this makes any sense to me compared to what friends have told me about their journey to sobriety. Otherwise all he has done by “ detox “ for 4 days is reset his tolerance a bit.

I’m certainly no expert so may have used the wrong terminology but when I say detoxed, what I mean is that he was forced to stop drinking and the withdrawal symptoms were managed in hospital with diazepam, vitamin drips and hydration drips. When the symptoms became manageable they discharged him as there was no medical reason to keep him there and was referred over to social care instead.

I’m sure he’s still in the process of detoxing but the worst bit (in terms of symptoms) is done at least.

I don’t think he’s at all likely to engage in any kind of sobriety programme. Previously he stuck it out alone and I think he’ll aim to do that again. The difficulty will be if he stays sober for a while he’s likely to think that he’ll be ok to have a bit in moderation, which clearly isn’t something he can manage.

might be successful, might not be, but he’s giving it his best at the moment and that’s all I can hope for really.

I'm so sorry. There really isn't much you can do to help an alcoholic. It's absolutely heartbreaking. But please do take comfort that you are doing as much as you can.

Well, it’s been quite hectic since I last posted….

DF is still sober. BUT he is currently in hospital against his wishes, having been assessed as not having capacity.
his liver is severely damaged from cirrhosis and kidney kidneys are also severely damaged. Because those organs aren’t working properly, toxins have affected his brain.
He doesn’t realise that he’s ill and has lost a lot of his memory. He thinks he is part of an experiment and keeps ringing to say he’s being held prisoner.

it’s all very distressing. But I am glad that at least he is in the best place and receiving treatment. We currently don’t know the prognosis in terms of if the damage is temporary or permanent which is a bit scary.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Did you get time to find support with AL Anon?

Have they done a full health check op?

If you can, try and make the most of the time you have now while he is sober.

Your Dad's addiction will have put an enormous strain on his body.

There is a limit to how much you can help, but just loving him and being there is a wonderful gift.

@Minimalme they are gradually working their way through a full health check. I think it’ll take a while as they’re making sure his liver and kidney are the priority for current treatment but I’m aware that he’s been having non-stop scans and blood tests etc.

@NachosForDinner I haven’t unfortunately. I’ve been quite overwhelmed between trying to support him, work and look after my family.

I do have a great support network though so I don’t feel alone thankfully.

Dads is still in hospital, they’ve found issues with his heart now too and he’s due to have a pacemaker fitted soon. It feels like his body is just failing but by bit.

the consultant has said that if he declines to the stage where patients would be moved to ICU that they won’t do that, he’ll just be made comfortable instead. Likewise, if his heart stops he is now DNR.

we were told a few days ago that he is incredibly vulnerable and if he gets an infection his body probably won’t be able to cope with it. Then on Saturday we got told he has covid 😭 I’m not feeling very hopeful that he’ll make it.

so shit that I can’t even visit at the moment. They’ll let me visit if he is dying, or if he survives covid then I can see him next week.

I wouldn’t wish this drawn out suffering on anyone.

It's tough but at least you know he's getting the best possible care in hospital.

We keep going through this with exDH but they just spend a week patching him up, rehydrating, detoxing, getting him to the point where he can walk then they send him home again with no care package. It's exhausting and heartbreaking.

Look after yourself.

I'm so sorry @TheDepthsOfDespair - how is your dad doing?

Hiya. Thanks for asking.
he’s still hanging on in there though not doing particularly well. He’s not well enough to speak to me the past 2 days but not so ill that I can visit (ie not dying).
just waiting to see what happens really which is agony.

the drinking is awful but he’s otherwise such a wonderful person. And he brought us up as a single dad so we’re really close to him. It’s so heartbreaking.

In same position with my mum.

Massive, massive decline in last three years.

I’ve just been round as strangers messaged me to say she’d had a fall on the street.

She’s bleeding all over the cushions and had already forgotten she’d fallen. Refuses to go to doctor or walk in and nobody would know if she had concussion because her memory is worse than Dory’s.

She has a social worker but he’s done precisely zero and she was deemed to have too poor a memory to consent to private rehab, even though we were paying.

It’s just all so futile. She was SO healthy.

Amazingly, my dad has had a huge turnaround in the last few days and is being discharged today. And actually going home instead of to a care home.

all his confusion and nonsensical talk has gone, he’s totally on the ball. His mobility has vastly improved. His liver & kidneys are unlikely to improve but they have plateaued now.

I can hardly believe it! A couple of weeks ago we were preparing to lose him and now this!