Sex life with an alcoholic

[TearsForFears89]

Have decided to post here as opposed to relationships as I think this post will likely result in a flaming. Bit of background, have been with DP for 5 years and have a toddler DD together. DP would drink approximately 2-3litre bottles of vodka a week (does FT shift work) so he's undoubtedly a functioning alcoholic. Despite his drinking life is fairly "normal". We get along quite well and he is brilliant with DD. One big problem though is our sex life or lack of it. Im early 30s and DP 10 years older. We've always had a healthy sex life and would be intimate 2/3 times a week. The past few months this has dwindled considerably. DP claims he has a low libido but would still use porn a few times a week. I explained I tolerate don't mind porn use, providing it doesn't replace actual intimacy. However 95% of the time it's me initiating and quite often rejected with DP complaining of being "too tired" etc. Recently he has had difficulty climaxing and has had to finish himself off. For the first time in weeks we had sex yesterday, dp didn't climax. No issues. I asked him today would he like to be intimate, he said no he was sore from sex yesterday and had sustained a small cut. Again no issues. I went out a few errands and on return it was clear he'd sorted himself out. Before people start with deathgrip and porn addiction, im not entirely sure it's either as I don't think he's actually watching it more than before but he is definitely preferring wanking to sex now. Also, he never used to have issues climaxing with me. I'm wondering could the alcoholism be playing a part in the lack of interest/inability to finish? It's very difficult not to take it personally when he still is interested in masturbation. Im interested to hear from others to see if this is a common issue in alcoholics or if it's more likely he just doesn't fancy me.
Respectfully, I'm only looking for replies from people who are with/have with been alcoholic partners as I think it's very difficult for others to understand the complexities of being with someone who is alcohol dependent.

[BurnDownTheDiscoHangTheDJ]

I was with someone who was alcohol dependent for many years and it didn’t effect him sexually tbh but he was only in his late 20s/30s during our relationship. FWIW though he was an Olympic level masturbater with a serious porn addiction that I always thought was connected to the drinking (compulsive personality?) Being with him generally was hard work but he never had trouble coming even after a bottle of vodka, but as I say that may have been his relative youth.

Do you want him to stop drinking?

[Wolfiefan]

If he’s drinking that amount then he will end up having more problems than not having a sex life. I can’t see why you would stay with someone drinking in that way. As your kids grow they will know what’s going on. Do you want that to be their normal??

[AnyFucker]

In my dim and distant past I dated someone with a (with hindsight) alcohol dependency

He often couldn’t get it up, showed little interest in penetrative sex and went soft halfway through

I was quite young at the time and I remember feeling rather confused and hurt. Now I know better.

[TearsForFears89]

Thank you both for the replies. I do wonder if alcohol and porn addiction frequently go hand in hand (no pun intended). Im not sure he's addicted to porn though (although he certainly enjoys it). He's always masturbated 2/3 times a week even when we were having regular sex. I don't think he's watching it more frequently now but just that he doesn't seem interested in partnered sex at all. Was really hurt that he chose to masturbate today after giving me a whole sob story about being sore. Yes I definitely want him to stop drinking @BurnDownTheDiscoHangTheDJ but at least when im here I can monitor it, plus I would genuinely worry about how he would cope without alcohol as a crutch. It absolutely cannot go on indefinitely, if he doesn't get help I will leave. Im already working overtime to save money for when we do, but there are other reasons why I can't leave at the minute. @Wolfiefan I do appreciate what you're saying and I compleyely agree there are much bigger problems than our sex life (or lack of it) but I don't want the thread to get derailed onto the other problems. Being with an alcoholic is a very lonely life, but it's even more degrading when "even an alcoholic" doesn't want you If that makes sense? Again, I know there are more important things to worry about in this situation and it seems very trite and selfish to worry about sex but hearing others stories makes it slightly less lonely and a bit more bearable

[Wolfiefan]

It won’t make it more bearable for the kids. Honestly you would do much better spending your time planning a life away from him. Al Anon is often recommended on here.
I hope he doesn’t drive.

[TearsForFears89]

@AnyFucker I glad you got away. Strange you say that about piv sex, DP rarely wants that either. He admitted years ago it was his least favourite out of all the sex acts to do. @Wolfiefan Yes you're absolutely right, I do need to leave and this cannot go on indefinitely, but it's very often much easier said than done. Thankfully DD is too young at the minute to understand, but I do need to get out well before she reaches the age of comprehension

[AnyFucker]

Thanks, but it was never going to be a long term thing. His love affair was with alcohol.

Not surprisingly, he was most keen on non penetrative sex acts. He was fucking shit in bed.

[Motnight]

You are with an alcoholic. The sex is shit. Op why are you with him?

[Russell19]

Just out of interest how did you know he'd had a wank when you were out?

[TearsForFears89]

@Motnight I often ask myself the same question. Finances are a big part of it. We are both on good wages but he earns more as he works FT. I dropped the PT hours after DD was born and only work in his days off. We both do unsocial hours/shifts so can't use conventional childminder. @Russell19 when I came back I went upstairs to clean the bedroom. There was a badly hidden pair of sodden boxers in between his side of the bed and bedside locker. Had obviously been used very recently. I didn't say anything as don't feel its my business to police his masturbation habits nor shame him, but was very hurt as I had literally suggested intimacy about half an hour before I left and he said "he didn't want to get aroused as he was sore and it would irritate the cut" 🙄

[Knifer]

In this situation I would wonder if it was pure selfishness. Like, he can wank quickly and directly with exactly the visual he wants and boom- needs satisfied without even having to consider the needs of a partner.

[TearsForFears89]

@Knifer, quite possibly, but Im beginning to wonder now if he is sore at all or if it was just an excuse to not be intimate with me. It particularly hurts as he knows I'm frequently happy to do "things to him" (I sound like a teenager🙄) and not expect anything back. I had alluded to a hand job today and he said no. To clarify, I often prefer to give than receive and he knows this, so it's not like I was expecting something in return but he was too tired to reciprocate.

[Kellyblueeyes]

I have been with an alcoholic for 18 years he is now sober and has been for about 3 years, whilst he was drinking he would want sex quite a lot it and it would last for hours just due to the fact he couldn't finish it got to the point where I used to lie there crying in pain but he just didn't care he was only bothered about him finishing, I hated it, now he is sober it's the total opposite he goes months without wanting it and now when we do it lasts 5 minutes max as he finishes too quickly so it's a none win situation x

[TearsForFears89]

That sounds awful @Kellyblueeyes, particularly if he knew it was causing you pain and didn't stop. That's extremely abusive. What made him stop drinking?
I don't think many people realise how difficult it can be being woth an alcoholic. It's not something people speak about freely and can be a lonely experience.

[AnyFucker]

He sounds just like the Fucking Loser I had the misfortune to dally with

[BanjoVio]

I have an alcoholic ex husband. As his drinking got worse, so did our sex life and for the whole 2 years of marriage I reckon we had sex around 10 times. He wasn't interested and, to be honest, neither was I given that I quickly lost all respect for him. He also struggled to climax and used to get a blinding headache when ejaculating because his excessive drinking had damaged the blood vessels in his brain.

[pointythings]

Alcohol addiction absolutely does affect your sex life! Not only did my late husband have all the issues described above in terms of sustaining an erection, there was also the fact that he was drinking so much our bedroom always smelled of alcohol sweat - which did nothing for my libido. It also made him snore really badly (I snore too, but nothing like he did) and it got to the point where I just slept in the spare room permanently. Which made him resentful and did our relationship no good at all, but there were no other options.

[Motnight]

Op he leaves his sperm sodden underwear for you to clean up? You deserve better.

[Pugfostermum]

I was with an alcoholic in my 20’s. His interest in sex got less and less and we only did it about 5 times in the last year of our relationship.
I had an incredible figure at the time, but all he was interested in was booze.

[TearsForFears89]

Thank you everyone for your replies and sharing your stories. Our bedroom frequently stinks too @pointythings, I agree it's not exactly a turn on. I guess this is another reason why it's even more insulting/hurtful that he doesn't want intimacy with me. He's not exactly a prince among men. I would understand/accept if the alcohol caused a low libido and he had no interest in any type of sex, but the fact he still masturbates absolutely destroys me. Do you know if its possible to genuinely have a low libido and still masturbate/watch porn? Or is it just an excuse? I understand it's often easier to just wank but it's incredibly hurtful when I'm constantly getting rejected. I take care of myself with bikini waxes, spray tans etc and I do get a fair bit of attention from men (although I don't believe I attractive and have crippingly low self esteem). But the only person I crave attention from is him. I do masturbate too of course (mainly because of the lack of sex) but I don't use porn, I generally think of scenarios which involve him. It's utterly pathetic, like a puppy always trying to please its master. @Motnight I don't think he expected me to find them. They're no longer there so I'm guessing they are either hidden somewhere else or in the wash. I couldn't say anything as he would have been very embarrassed and would have gotten angry. I wouldn't mind him masturbating if we had sex earlier in the day but it's the blatant lie that hurt about "being too sore" . @BanjoVio, does your ex H still drink? That sounds very dangerous about the headaches. @Pugfostermum that musy have been very damaging for your self esteem. Even when you have a good figure, it still whittles away at your confidence when someone so blatantly doesn't want you. I'm glad you're not with him anymore. Do you mind me asking if he still used porn/masturbated?

.

[pointythings]

Oh, mine definitely used porn. But that was my fault for not wanting sex with him any more, obviously! I stopped caring though.

[PangolinPie]

Rather than asking why HE doesn't want sex with you (answer: because he's an alcoholic, that's it) you should be asking why YOU want to have sex with him? Crippling low self esteem seems to be the answer to that? I really feel for you, and I pray you (and especially your dd) get out of this situation one day. I grew up in a family of alcoholics and it's affected every single area of my life. Don't do this to your dd. Yes it's complicated being with an alcoholic but when you have children you have a duty to them, that's a simple fact. You didn't want the thread derailed is code for you don't want people pointing out the huge elephant in the room of your situation.

[Twiglets1]

You sound lovely @TearsForFears89
To be honest, I know from personal experience that a person can have a low libido and still want to masturbate. It’s hard to explain and it doesn’t reflect well on me, but I think it’s linked to being a bit selfish. I can’t often be bothered with all the extra intimacy involved in having sex with a partner when it’s so much quicker and easier to reach orgasm on your own!

[normalgirl]

Hello,
Partner of a recovering alcoholic here.My husband stopped drinking completely in March,but was abusing vodka secretly before then for 2 years.Our sex life over the last two years had dwindled to nothing,mainly because he was too tired and hungover from the drinking and the strain of keeping it secret.He was not interested when I initiated sex and when he did want to ,could not climax or could not even get an erection.It was so so disappointing.
However,since he has stopped drinking,our sex life has become terrific once again.
I would urge your DP to get help.Alcohol gradually causes low testosterone.
Please ask him to join smart recovery,get some quit lit books such as allan carr,william porter.If your partner refuses to acknowledge that he has a problem,seriously discuss with him about leaving.Your sex life is not going to improve unless he reduces his consumption.
I speak from personal experience.

[Cavviesarethebest]

What do you think it says about you that you don’t mind him wanking to videos of other women being sexually abused?

it suggests to me a pretty high level of internalised misogyn and that you don’t value other women or yourself.

work on your self esteem and leave him.