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Alcohol support

Sex life with an alcoholic

50 replies

TearsForFears89 · 20/05/2022 18:17

Have decided to post here as opposed to relationships as I think this post will likely result in a flaming. Bit of background, have been with DP for 5 years and have a toddler DD together. DP would drink approximately 2-3litre bottles of vodka a week (does FT shift work) so he's undoubtedly a functioning alcoholic. Despite his drinking life is fairly "normal". We get along quite well and he is brilliant with DD. One big problem though is our sex life or lack of it. Im early 30s and DP 10 years older. We've always had a healthy sex life and would be intimate 2/3 times a week. The past few months this has dwindled considerably. DP claims he has a low libido but would still use porn a few times a week. I explained I tolerate don't mind porn use, providing it doesn't replace actual intimacy. However 95% of the time it's me initiating and quite often rejected with DP complaining of being "too tired" etc. Recently he has had difficulty climaxing and has had to finish himself off. For the first time in weeks we had sex yesterday, dp didn't climax. No issues. I asked him today would he like to be intimate, he said no he was sore from sex yesterday and had sustained a small cut. Again no issues. I went out a few errands and on return it was clear he'd sorted himself out. Before people start with deathgrip and porn addiction, im not entirely sure it's either as I don't think he's actually watching it more than before but he is definitely preferring wanking to sex now. Also, he never used to have issues climaxing with me. I'm wondering could the alcoholism be playing a part in the lack of interest/inability to finish? It's very difficult not to take it personally when he still is interested in masturbation. Im interested to hear from others to see if this is a common issue in alcoholics or if it's more likely he just doesn't fancy me.
Respectfully, I'm only looking for replies from people who are with/have with been alcoholic partners as I think it's very difficult for others to understand the complexities of being with someone who is alcohol dependent.

OP posts:
TheVanguardSix · 21/05/2022 20:45

I was married to a recovered alcoholic. He hadn’t had a drop in 20+ years. The problem is, he was still an addict and replaced alcohol with food addiction and porn.
He was arrested last year and the scale of his porn addiction really came to light.

I think that’s the main issue… you’re with an addict whose vices are alcohol and porn. And I bet he watches really sadistic shit. I’d bet my mother and her mother on that.

Your sex life will continue to suffer for his addictions. I watched my own sex life evaporate over the years. We were together for 12.
9 years of them I spent coerced into a celibacy not of my choosing. It took me years to truly understand that nothing would ever resuscitate our sex life because he didn’t love, value, or respect me.
Addicts are traumatised people. This is true. But I’m now so busy trying to work through the trauma he’s hurled me into, I can’t really give a monkey’s about what made my ex an asshole (aka his trauma).

Are you happy and do you feel safe, supported emotionally, and loved wholly and with respect, OP?

Coffeesnob11 · 21/05/2022 20:56

Been there done that got the divorce certificate. I always had the higher sex drive but as his drinking got worse and worse he couldn't perform but would 'try'for hours when drunk. I was frustrated and bored and the smell of alcohol put me right off. He often used porn but could never finish with me. I too looked after myself. Then when I started refusing as he stank I got accused of affairs and he became abusive.
I wouldn't be leaving your kids with him if he drinks. I learned very quickly alcohol always came first.
I am sorry you are dealing with this.

fantasmasgoria1 · 21/05/2022 21:07

My ex is an alcoholic and a heavy smoker. He couldn't get an erection and we did not have sex for at least 4 years. In the end i stopped counting. It was soul destroying, I felt unattractive and awful. He still looked at porn an awful lot which upset me. I am just glad I split up with him.

BanjoVio · 21/05/2022 21:49

TearsForFears89 · 21/05/2022 08:50

Thank you everyone for your replies and sharing your stories. Our bedroom frequently stinks too @pointythings, I agree it's not exactly a turn on. I guess this is another reason why it's even more insulting/hurtful that he doesn't want intimacy with me. He's not exactly a prince among men. I would understand/accept if the alcohol caused a low libido and he had no interest in any type of sex, but the fact he still masturbates absolutely destroys me. Do you know if its possible to genuinely have a low libido and still masturbate/watch porn? Or is it just an excuse? I understand it's often easier to just wank but it's incredibly hurtful when I'm constantly getting rejected. I take care of myself with bikini waxes, spray tans etc and I do get a fair bit of attention from men (although I don't believe I attractive and have crippingly low self esteem). But the only person I crave attention from is him. I do masturbate too of course (mainly because of the lack of sex) but I don't use porn, I generally think of scenarios which involve him. It's utterly pathetic, like a puppy always trying to please its master. @Motnight I don't think he expected me to find them. They're no longer there so I'm guessing they are either hidden somewhere else or in the wash. I couldn't say anything as he would have been very embarrassed and would have gotten angry. I wouldn't mind him masturbating if we had sex earlier in the day but it's the blatant lie that hurt about "being too sore" . @BanjoVio, does your ex H still drink? That sounds very dangerous about the headaches. @Pugfostermum that musy have been very damaging for your self esteem. Even when you have a good figure, it still whittles away at your confidence when someone so blatantly doesn't want you. I'm glad you're not with him anymore. Do you mind me asking if he still used porn/masturbated?


I would be astonished if he didn't still drink, or if he makes it as far as his 40th birthday to be quite honest (I thought the headaches were dangerous, too - I'm not a doctor but surely a risk of stroke??)

glamosaurus · 21/05/2022 22:00

Sorry OP I don't think it's going to get any better. You're still going, there's still time. Don't waste anymore of your precious life being unhappy. I don't think he's going to make you happy?

TearsForFears89 · 22/05/2022 11:29

Thank you (again) everyone for the replies. @PangolinPie yes I really should ask myself that. I think so much of it is linked to low self esteem. I feel that if even an alcoholic doesn't want me then who will? I absolutely agree I do need to leave, and im putting money aside for a 'nest egg' but in the meantime Im just trying to keep things as "normal" as possible. I'm sorry you had such a horrible childhood, alcoholism really is the family disease. I grew up with an alcoholic father too so I understand how rubbish it is. I do appreciate your frustration at me not leaving and worrying about sex (which is extremely trivial in the grand scheme of things), but for some reason it's one of the things that hurts the most about it all. It's not even the physical side I crave, but rather feeling desired/validated. I suppose it's something that makes a bad situation bearable if that makes sense but to be rejected by 'an alcoholic' makes me feel even more lonely and sad
@normalgirl thank you for sharing your story, I'm glad your DH has stopped drinking. Your life must be so much happier now.. My DP undoubtedly realises he has a problem but refuses to do anything about it. We had an argument the other night when he was drunk. I brought up his excessive drinking. It didn't go down well. Do you mind me asking what was the turning point for your DH to stop drinking? And to your knowledge did he still use porn/masturbate whilst having a low libido when drinking? I didn't know there was a link between alcohol misuse and low testosterone, that's very interesting.
@Cavviesarethebest unfortunately porn is now so socially widespread I think most women tolerate their partners using it. Personally I don't like porn, I don't use myself (simply because it does nothing for me rather than from an ethical stance). But I suspect the vast majority of men use it at least sometimes. Not all men of course, but those that don't are definitely in the minority. Im not saying it's right or acceptable but just the way society is sadly.
@Twiglets1 thank you, that's very kind. I understand that masturbating is often quicker/easier, and I've no problem with him occasionally masturbating in lieu of sex, I think that's normal for both sexes, but he definitely prefers masturbating to intimacy all the time, even if I'm offering a handjob etc. Do you mind me asking, if your partner asked to pleasure you, but not want anything in return, would you still sometimes prefer to masturbate even if you didn't have to do anything to them? Absolutely not criticising by the way, just trying to understand. There has been times where I've preferred to sort myself out too, but with him it's much more frequent

OP posts:
TearsForFears89 · 22/05/2022 11:50

@TheVanguardSix that sounds awful. I hope you manage to find peace from everything he put you through. He tends to watch group lesbians (how original🙄) and deep throat stuff which can be pretty brutal. Unfortunately so much of so called 'mainstream' content is very hard core but deemed perfectly acceptable. I find it particularly shocking how acceptable teen porn seems to be. Was your H arrested due to content he was watching? I think he loves me in his own way, but he struggled with healthy emotions in general. I think he's quite emotionally immature and struggles to empathise. @Coffeesnob11 it really whittles away your self esteem doesn't it. I'm so glad you got away from him. Yes alcohol definitely comes first. I can never work late at work as I know he'll start drinking if I do. The nights he doesn't drink he will go to bed very early and I suspect it's because he hates being awake and not drinking. @fantasmasgoria1 oh wow 4 years is a long time. What dod he say when you spoke to him about it?

OP posts:
Cavviesarethebest · 22/05/2022 12:03

rapistis gonna rape hey? What ya gonna do.

well done on deciding not to take an ethical stance.

i find it as problematic that this is your approach and you want to be with a man knowing he watches women being abused as him being such an awful person.

TearsForFears89 · 22/05/2022 12:18

Sorry @Cavviesarethebest, I think you misunderstood what I meant about my reasons for not watching it, I wasn't very clear. I have watched porn before, albeit rarely, but no longer do it. When I did view it, I primarily watched 'solo male masturbation'. I highly doubt those men were being coerced/trafficked. When I got with DP I stopped as we were having regular sex and just didn't feel the need to view it. So my reasons for not watching I were not from an ethical pov (as I had never watched unethical content I the first place), but rather because I lost interest. I made it clear I don't like poem, but it is naive to think that most (again not all) men do watch it. It's not right, but it's something that happens. Many of the women on MN will have partners who watch it, and I think it's unfair to imply these women lack morals. It's more complex than that. But regardless this is not the thread to get into an ethical debate of the industry.

OP posts:
Cavviesarethebest · 22/05/2022 12:27

You’ve just repeated the rapists gonna rape line.

I do think that women who accept their husbands watching. porn are complicit in sexual violence against women.

but indeed it never seems to be the right time to talk about it does it? You want someone who is aroused by women being sexual assaulted.

you can look away from that issue if you want for sure. But it is an integral part of the situation you have sought advice on.

normalgirl · 22/05/2022 14:35

I wish I could say he stopped because he saw sense,but it was a DUI arrest that forced him to stop drinking.Blessing in disguise maybe.He was very defensive about his drinking and he has put me through hell ;the arguments were so soul destroying.I had made up my mind to leave him in 2 years once my children were grown up as I feel hopeless and was making plans for this.Then this arrest happened and he has decided to stop,seek help,get therapy etc.Some people cannot stop until they hit rock bottom.Maybe the threat of losing you and his children will be his rock bottom??Either way,please do not accept this situation.Don’t waste any of your life if he is not willing to change.If your children are young abs you can’t leave just now,start putting things into place for you to to be able to leave when possible.
I am so sorry you are going through this.Alcohol is shit and living with an alcoholic is shittier.
I don’t know if he was using porn ,but he denied it when I asked him if he had any other addictions.

Twiglets1 · 22/05/2022 17:31

Yes @Cavviesarethebest why not blame the woman in the relationship for her partner watching porn, bound to be her fault one way or another 🙄

Im struggling to answer your question @TearsForFears89 because I actually can’t imagine a scenario where my partner would offer to pleasure me with no expectation of anything in return. That just would not compute in his brain though he’s not a bad person. Maybe your husband is afraid of intimacy leading to deeper conversations and is trying to keep you slightly at arms length because he is ashamed deep down. I don’t know but I really don’t think you are to blame in any way or should feel there is anything wrong with you 😘

Cavviesarethebest · 22/05/2022 17:35

@Twiglets1 im saying that by shrugging her shoulder and saying whatcha gonna do she is complicit in. Because she is. How does that excuse him?

Cavviesarethebest · 22/05/2022 17:38

If there were less shoulder shrugging cool with it women porn would bot have moved into the mainstream acceptability that it is now.

my point was that it the op wants to be with a porn addicted alcoholic that says something about her and should be a cause for self examination about why she thinks that is a good thing to want.

it is quite the jump to take that as saying that the ops partner is not responsible for his own awful behaviour

Twiglets1 · 22/05/2022 17:59

Cavviesarethebest · 22/05/2022 17:35

@Twiglets1 im saying that by shrugging her shoulder and saying whatcha gonna do she is complicit in. Because she is. How does that excuse him?

You’re blaming a woman for a man’s actions. And being so judgemental I assume you must be perfect yourself.

Cavviesarethebest · 22/05/2022 18:20

@Twiglets1 where am I saying it’s not his fault? I’m saying she is complicit. How does that mean he is not at fault?

He sounds vile.

Twiglets1 · 22/05/2022 18:33

Cavviesarethebest · 22/05/2022 18:20

@Twiglets1 where am I saying it’s not his fault? I’m saying she is complicit. How does that mean he is not at fault?

He sounds vile.

I didn’t say that you aren’t critical of him too but you should direct your anger at the person watching porn if you find it offensive, not the person he is in a relationship with. You make some harsh judgments such as the accusation of internalised misogyny. No need to get personal with OP because her husband’s porn habits are not her fault. Yes she has chosen to accept it - so do millions of other women around the world- but this is hardly the time to kick a woman when she’s feeling down.

MangoMaddie · 22/05/2022 18:43

OP, one reason he prefers porn may be that he’s likely worried about being able to maintain an erection every time given his drinking. It all sounds like a spiral of selfish self-loathing, not your fault or any reflection on you.

TearsForFears89 · 22/05/2022 19:54

@Cavviesarethebest I understand your hatred for porn, but I think your anger is misdirected on this thread. I would love nothing more than my DP to never look at it again and fantasise about me and me only when masturbating but unfortunately that won't happen. Although I 100% agree there is porn were women are being abused, you cannot say all women are coerced or exploited. It's actually quite anti feminist to assume that NO women enjoy sex work or performing for the cameras. Look at the sheer amount of amateur porn by married couples etc. Now that's not to say there is no exploitation in any of those videos either, but you cannot say that all those women are being abused. I have no doubt your next argument will be "but even if "only" 1% are abused that's far too much, why take the risk and watch any?", and yes that's a valid point, but I genuinely don't think most men (and many women) realise how prolific abuse is in porn. I had honestly never thought about it until joining MN and had my eyes opened. I had thought if a video was uploaded to a mainstream site then it was all above board and fully consensual. Im sure others assume the same. Im not defending men who frequently use porn, but I think that many honestly have no idea how abusive it can be. Obviously there are some who are fully aware and don't give a damn, and others who would get off even more on knowing abuse is occurring but i suspect many porn users simply don't think about it. A way to help overcome that however, would be to educate young people on the industry. Your anger towards me and other women is unfair and unhelpful. It's like a vegan who scorns fellow vegans whose husbands are meat eaters and judging them for staying with a meat eater. Maybe not the best analogy but im sure you understand what I mean.
Thank you @Twiglets1 for your kind words and understanding that things are not always black and white
@MangoMaddie thank you for the reply, he surprisingly has no issues with getting/maintaining an erection, the problem is more with finishing and he will frequently have to finish himself

OP posts:
Cavviesarethebest · 22/05/2022 20:09

It really really is not like vegans and meat eaters. It is really not.

you can justify it all you like - you are seeking advice on how to stay with a man who enjoys watching teenage girls be “deep throated”. No teenage girl who is physically and emotionally safe enjoys that. It is a very far cry from “amateur married couple porn” (which in itself also I suspect has its own host of issues).

why do you think educating young people will make a difference when it hasn’t made a difference to you?

i find his actions abhorrent. I also find it abhorrent that you wish to stay in a relationship with him.

you have a different view 🤷‍♀️ At least own your view and the decision you are making.

porn is consistently dismissed as not a big deal. It is a huge damaging deal.

Motnight · 22/05/2022 20:28

The problem is, Op, that your partner is an alcoholic. And you are enabling his alcoholism and his use of porn. Own it, as others have said.

TearsForFears89 · 22/05/2022 21:01

@Cavviesarethebest I think the thread has hugely derailed and is not constructive at all. Just to clarify, I have never said he enjoys teen porn. Yes he watches deep throat videos but have never known him to view teens. That's not to say his habits are fine and dandy (they absolutely are not) but you are misconstruing what I said. I have looked snooped at his history before and never seen teens. That's not to say he's never watched it, I've never asked but nor have I ever seen evidence of it. Again, we are really going off on a tangent here. As I and PP have said it is unfair to shame women for staying with men who watch porn. It's clearly an emotive issue for you same as how many vegans feel very strongly about animal abuse. And that's fine for you/them to have those views. But it would not be ok for a vegan to shame someone for staying with someone who eats meat. I've repeatedly said I dislike porn. I personally feel it's a scourge on society. I don't enjoy him watching it, but if i told him to stop, he would simply hide it. I think it's rather idealistic to say 'well if we collectively as women shunned porn users then eventually it would peter out".

OP posts:
HealthProbs · 23/05/2022 16:17

My ex is an alcoholic. Together ten years. Awful sex life. He wanted sex from me all the time but as an ego boost rather than a loving act. It was all about him trying to feel better, usually as a result of a hangover. He'd also often try and have sex with me whilst he was asleep. Might sound amusing but really wasn't. It meant I wasn't safe from it ever.
I never wanted sex by the end of our relationship. He was abusive, cold and unsupportive, did nothing for DC, stayed in bed all weekend, got annoyed with DC for making noise. Who the f would find any of that attractive.
He'd pressure me for sex but I didn't want it, then he'd sulk when I didn't put out. He'd try and guilt me into it.
I began to think I just didn't like sex. Turns out I fucking love it, just not with a nasty, lazy partner.

TearsForFears89 · 23/05/2022 19:48

@HealthProbs oh gosh that sounds awful. You must have felt very violated when that happened. It's disgusting you couldn't even feel safe when sleeping you poor thing 😔 It's understandable you didn't want him near you with that behaviour, what a pig. You must be so much happier away from that life now.

OP posts:
Brieandcamembert · 30/05/2022 12:52

Thankfully DD is too young at the minute to understand,

I'm so sorry but this isn't true. This is irreparable and you need to stop this now.

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