How is this going to end (sober me, drunk DH)?

[indiesearcher]

Hi everyone,

This might be long ish, and I'll try not to drip feed.

I'm 6 months into very strict alcohol moderation, have barely touched a drink since September. I've had the very very occasional drink but haven't enjoyed it. I was a pretty heavy wine drinker before, more so after DH and I together. If I'm honest we enabled each other - he was always worse than me (a worse, sad, angry sometimes, slurry drunk). This has caused big issues previously in our marriage - particularly when the children were very young and I was at home while he was out partying etc.

Both our drinking got worse through lockdown but 6 months ago a switch pretty much flicked for me, I'd had enough, for so many reasons. I've never looked back and I'm pretty evangelical about it but I've never once asked DH to cut down, nor did I expect him to. He has been supportive of me, not grumpy about losing his drinking buddy.

DH continues to drink most days. His snoring is worse (dreadful) when he does. We talked about this and how he could help improve it, he said he'd do a dry March but lasted two days. We are basically sleeping in separate rooms now because of his snoring. I am on the edge of starting to find him unattractive because of the snoring/drinking. I'm conscious his behaviour is selfish. I'm essentially out of the marital bed because he'd rather booze hard than prioritise my sleep.

We went out tonight for a party (and actually went to one last weekend too). He drank too much at both, tonight he was putting the wines away so fast it was gross to watch. He got loud, slurry etc pretty fast and to be honest I was almost a bit embarrassed. Am aware I was the sober one at the party, and others were tipsy too but DH definitely more so than others. He also gets to that point much more quickly than others. He will be feeling rough in the morning and he's supposed to be driving an hour with the kids to see his mother.

Anyway, I drove home tonight. He was chatty. I was chatty back but perhaps not super chatty. He asked me the same question three times. I said, "you've asked me that three times, but yes my food was fine thanks." I wasn't rude, but it's hard to hold a conversation with a drunk person.

Then he sulked the rest of the way home. He's angry with me because he thinks I want him to be sober. I don't want him to be sober but I don't want a drunk for a husband either.

I'm now lying here in my separate bedroom wondering where on Earth this is all going to end up, feeling more and more incompatible. I love him dearly but the resentment is building.

Has anyone been here? How does it pan out and what can I do? I don't want to separate.

Sorry this is so long.

TIA

From seeing a family member in this position, you will either pull him into sobriety, or he'll pull you down into alcohol dependency.

I feel sorry for your children having to grow up with this nightmare. It's your responsibility to rid their lives of this dysfunction.

Its too big a difference in lifestyle and values. Once you've seen the benefits of sobriety, it is hard to watch others waste their lives and harm themselves.

He sounds nowhere near changing, but to be fair sounds like its not causing problems with his work or social relationships.

If he's drinking daily then his brain won't even be working properly. He's only aware of you peripherally. How you're feeling won't be something he's thought about.

Youre just going to feel more and more removed from him.

@Justmuddlingalong well he'd pulled me down to dependency and there's no way I'm going back there. I can't see him sobering up either.

My husband and I were in a similar position. We were both pretty big drinkers when we met, then I calmed down when we started a family and he didn't. It caused a lot problems. Stressful life events led to me increasing drinking for a few years, which I hated myself for and he enabled. I snapped out of it about 2 years ago and we separated last year for similar reasons you describe, snoring, lack of attraction, too much difference in lifestyle and therefore values and how I wanted to spend my time and money. We were constantly in a state of disorganisation and alcohol seemed to influence and impact everything. He's a lovely man and a very attentive loving dad but if we'd stayed together I'd have ended up being dragged back into a boozy lifestyle or spent the rest of my life pissed off whilst he got more drunk than everyone else. Good luck OP, it's sad but you probably know what you need to do x

@HellToTheNope

I feel sorry for your children having to grow up with this nightmare. It's your responsibility to rid their lives of this dysfunction.

Jesus, overreaction much?

I don't think it's an overreaction.

For me the fact that your dh is supposed to be visiting his dm today and still got extremely drunk means he's an alcoholic and is unlikely to change.
I certainly wouldn't allow the dc in the car with him.

Me I'd leave, but I hate alcoholics they ruin lives.

Can you have a frank and honest conversation with your husband? My husband had to have this conversation with me years ago. It was painful and embarrassing (for him too) but it was what i needed to hear.

He knows what he is doing, he's just not facing up to it. It's time he did.

@yodaandmedication - I'm sorry it went that way but you sound happier?

Can I ask how your DH took it? Did you instigate the separation? Did he make any efforts to change?

@TeeNoG - we had a chat this morning. He apologised (standard morning after) but was insistent that I'd had a go at him last night, he literally imagined an entire conversation in which I gave him an earful - it never happened. I finally convinced him that perhaps as the drunk person his memory might be a bit hazier than mine.

I said perhaps he subconsciously knows he is drinking far too much and is ashamed of his own behaviour. He kind of took that.

So an apology came, but I think there was a moment of realisation that these are not compatible lifestyles.

If the making a tit of himself while drunk, denying it's an issue, apologising, and repeating the behaviour next time is the script, what's going to change this time?

I am happier, very much so. It wasn't an easy decision and it's sad in a way but it was the right thing to do. I can only control my own behaviour, not someone else's. I couldn't fix him and I couldn't live with it anymore.
There were lots of ultimatums over the years and promises but nothing ever changed for the better and I honestly think it's a downward trajectory, even if so subtle you don't notice it when living in it.

We also have a vast mis-match in alcohol consumption now I've near given it up. The snoring sleeping attraction thing is a big issue. Also staying up late, not waking in morning.

It's hard for me to see a happy ending.

I think he drinks so much because he finds life very boring. Doesn't really pursue hobbies the same way I do. Home most nights since pandemic. But even pre-pandemic he suffered from 'fun Bobby' syndrome.

Yes @SauvignonGrower the snoring/sleep thing is huge.

DH falls asleep on the sofa by about 8.30/9pm most evenings, snoring away. I'll put some tv on but I can't bloody hear it. I ask him to go to bed etc but he just goes back off. So boring.

The snoring thing has become a real issue because it's his drinking that directly makes it worse. In the past holidays have been ruined because he drinks a shed load and I don't sleep. We've just bought me an actual spare bed for one of the kids rooms, it is that bad. So now he happily gets himself sozzled knowing I'll be able to vacate our room. It's just so selfish. And hugely unattractive.

It is getting worse and I am now starting to really not look forward to the future with him like this.

OP, I can completely relate. I quit a month ago and my husband was initially making all the right noises about drastically cutting down. However, he has continued to drink heavily. Like you, being with my husband was part of the reason I came to have a serious alcohol problem, and I honestly don't know how long I can remain - sober - with a man who drinks every single day. He's just so tedious to talk to, he stinks (never noticed before obviously, but now I can just smell booze on his breath and it certainly doesn't make me want to kiss him ).

His selfish behaviours are also really pissing me off. I work full time from home in a full-on, stressful job. I really desperately wanted to go out for the day both this weekend just gone and the previous one. I practically begged him if he could stay sober on one day so we could go for a drive somewhere and enjoy the sun (I don't drive, but for context we only have a car because I bought it!). Each and every day he's woken up still drunk from the night before, had 'hair of the dog' and then just got drunk all day. I ended up just sitting in the park on my own before coming home to him slurring and repeating himself and getting offended at everything I say.

I don't know. I'm getting no joy from this relationship and feel like all the 'benefits' I should be enjoying from sobriety are being taken from me because I'm still married to an alcoholic. If it continues I think I'll have to make some tough decisions.

Sorry, no advice! Just to let you know you're not alone. Good luck x

@SAB10 that sounds awful. You poor thing. DH doesn't really day drink, and he isn't pissed everyday, but he's definitely alcohol dependent and I think getting worse. But yes so bloody blinkered to how it impacts me. We had friends staying last week which meant he and I HAD to share a room - he got wasted which meant he snored all night. No thought whatsoever to the fact that I wouldn't have anywhere else to sleep.

I've told him this morning it's time to get to the GP about snoring/sleep study. Hopefully the GP will tell him to lose weight and stop drinking again.

I'm also thinking about suggesting relationship counselling. DH really doesn't seem to see how close I'm coming to thinking seriously about leaving.

Like you said @SAB10 there's no benefit in our actual relationship these days. We are good friends but sex is also non existent. I don't want it - I used to, but he never initiated. I think he feels self conscious. His breath smells. It's almost like it's too far gone. And now I'm seeing this 'good friend' as an increasingly selfish drunk.

Im 6 years ahead of you. Ive not drank for 6 years as DH is a big drinker. He will drink about 65-80 units a week. Ive just been to a first session with a counsellor today as i just wanted to talk to someone to check i wasnt making a huge mistake in leaving him. Despite his “ill change” pledges over the years, hes not. The time has now come to have the talk its just such a lonely existence

I'm you - I do still drink, but in a very limited way after realising I had a bad relationship with alcohol. I changed habits in 2015, at which point my husband was already sliding into addiction triggered by his mum's death. A lot of things happened, but ultimately the drink killed him. Sad as it is, if he doesn't see the problem then it's best to walk away, before you end up becoming his carer.

So we had another talk....

He said he's worried about losing weight and getting healthy in case I get cross (WTF) that he's out of the house at the gym instead of at home helping with the kids. Gaslighting at its finest.

I told him to get a grip, and that yes if he takes up a hobby which sees him spend al day on a £5000 bike every weekend I'll have a problem but to stop trying to shift blame his bad habits onto me.

URGH.

He did however take in board everything I've said about the snoring. He's actually ordered a lot of AF beers on this weeks shop and has gone to the gym tonight. At least it's a start.

Im sorry to hear about your husband @pointythings that must have been very traumatic.

indiesearcher I do hope your husband realises that he need to address his relationship with alcohol, but be ready for him to backslide. If he can gaslight you about one thing, he can lie about others. And if there's one thing addicts are brilliant at, it's lying. Mine was a genius in terms of lying about how much he was drinking - until he got so deep in he strted losing control and getting stupid about it, then he just became defensive and aggressive.

'He said he's worried about losing weight and getting healthy in case I get cross (WTF) that he's out of the house at the gym instead of at home helping with the kids. Gaslighting at its finest.'

I don't see that as gaslightling, but that he is torn between what he thinks is needed to get himself to prioritise his health (if he works FT, then more time away from you and kids), or staying in the house and not doing much exercise (and sadly also drinking too much).

But there is a grey area that you need to point out, that he can try to get more active with the kids and maybe yourself, gym with activities that are childcare also, or a bit of hill walking, activities in the park , and put booze down his priority list

There are many more pricey gyms that exercise your kids in activities, while leaving you adults to prioritise your fitness with gym or classes or simply free time to walk and de-stress.

Yes I'm not sure I used gaslighting correctly there @Hollowtree3 - you're right. Maybe I thought he was trying to make me doing myself and my ask of him.

Our gym is literally two minutes away. He works ft but plenty of opportunities to nip over there for an hour. Or likewise the many parks near us. Tbh it's not necessarily exercise he needs, it's a massive reduction in calories from booze and portion size (healthy eater but huge portions/snacking).