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Alcohol support

I'm seriously worried about his health!

28 replies

MummaMinxi · 10/09/2021 23:13

Been with my partner 13yrs, we have 5 kids, 4 live with us & the youngest 2 are his biologically .
He has always been a drinker, began at around 14yrs old, consumption grew with age then by 18 was dealing & taking drugs.
When we got together, he was no longer a dealer but still drank heavily & dabbled in drugs.
We were only meant to be a fling but we got pregnant. He accused me of cheating when I told him & refused to even acknowledge me for a week. I gave him the choice to walk but he stayed.
His drinking since then has increased more & more over time; on a bad day he can start drinking as early as 6.45/7am(1/2 beers) not sure if he drinks during the day but then comes home by 4.30, normally with a beer already open & 5 more for the night, most he will drink, maybe leave one for the morning.
In 2016 a doctor told him his liver wasn't functioning properly, that's all he told me, no further tests or anything ever mentioned or done. It's now 5yrs later & he is showing major signs of, what scares me to my soul, liver disease/cirrhosis. He has a yellow tinge, major mood shifts, memory problems, swollen stomach (but he thinks that's extra weight....only in his stomach 🤦‍♀️) he's always tired, saw his stool the other day & it was so so pale & sorry for TMI but I can hear it falling out of him when he goes 🤢
I've been looking on the dreaded Google & have panicked myself slightly...going by Google, his symptoms & my maths, I work out he has a life expectancy of 9-12yrs and has already lived 5 of them (that's if we go by docs appointment, so could be more years wasted)😭😭
Are there any nurses/doctors/survivors/someone who can help ease my anxieties 🙏🙏🙏

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Embracelife · 10/09/2021 23:16

He will die soon
Unless he gets help to stop
Only he can do this
You cannot cure him
You did not cause this

Maybe better he goes elsewhere to destruct?
Your shared Dc can visit him.

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Duckypoohs · 10/09/2021 23:17

Pale bulky stools are very worrying, is there any way you can persuade him to see a doctor?

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MummaMinxi · 10/09/2021 23:25

@Embracelife

He will die soon
Unless he gets help to stop
Only he can do this
You cannot cure him
You did not cause this

Maybe better he goes elsewhere to destruct?
Your shared Dc can visit him.

Unfortunately this is what I am scared of & as morbid as it sounds, I want to be even just the smallest bit prepared, so I can be strong for the children.
Our relationship is very difficult & volatile; I have tried leaving for both his aggressive & his drinking but both times I allowed him to win & stay.
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Embracelife · 10/09/2021 23:28

So what do you want?
It s no fun for you and dc
If he doesn't want to get help
His choice
Why stick around to watch him die?

Get him gp appt
Go with him
Then leave him to it
It sounds like a terrible atmosphere to live in
What s the benefit for you or dc?

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MummaMinxi · 10/09/2021 23:29

@Duckypoohs

Pale bulky stools are very worrying, is there any way you can persuade him to see a doctor?

I have tried, over & over.
Since moving home, after his appointment back in 2016, he has never gone back for more tests or anything. He also lied at that appointment about his drink consumption and openly says he would lie if asked again.
Says he's petrified of dying yet won't stop drinking 🙄
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Embracelife · 10/09/2021 23:30

You cannot save him.
He is volatile and aggressive
Get the dc away from him

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Duckypoohs · 10/09/2021 23:34

I really feel for you, like pp said maybe it's best to split if he won't countenance any help. It's so hard though. I'm not trying to be an arse, but he sounds end stage.

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BaoWow · 11/09/2021 11:15

I recognise your username as I’ve read your previous posts. You’ve had great advice there, but haven’t done anything to import either your life, and those of your children.

You need to ask yourself what you’re willing to do.

He’s in an abusive relationship with alcohol, you’re in an abusive relationship with him.

I don’t think you’ll get much from this thread if you get great advice, but are determined not to act on it.

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MummaMinxi · 11/09/2021 11:45

@Duckypoohs

I really feel for you, like pp said maybe it's best to split if he won't countenance any help. It's so hard though. I'm not trying to be an arse, but he sounds end stage.

Thank you for your honesty. That is what I was afraid of; it being end stage and that in turn, that gives me endless amounts of guilt if I decide to leave, as he will then die alone, no one deserves that.
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Embracelife · 11/09/2021 11:46

Especially the dc who are not his. Can they go live with their dad or other relatives?
In fact can all the dc go live with relatives if you are determined to stay with this man as he drinks himself to death?
Must be horrible for all dc

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Embracelife · 11/09/2021 11:48

You can decide to stay with him
But you need to put the dc foremost
They don't need to watch him die
Why don't you speak to your gp and tell everything they can refer you to support services for you and dc?

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Embracelife · 11/09/2021 11:49

If he won't go to doctors
It s on him
Are you a trained nurse?

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MummaMinxi · 11/09/2021 11:49

@BaoWow

I recognise your username as I’ve read your previous posts. You’ve had great advice there, but haven’t done anything to import either your life, and those of your children.

You need to ask yourself what you’re willing to do.

He’s in an abusive relationship with alcohol, you’re in an abusive relationship with him.

I don’t think you’ll get much from this thread if you get great advice, but are determined not to act on it.

If you knew my life, me and how hard my entire life has been, you would understand why it seems I'm not doing anything but believe me, I've heeded advice & have begun to get my ducks in a row.
Leaving this man isn't going to be easy, I need to ensure my safety, I'm putting things in place so please believe I'm not doing nothing!
After this week however, I have noticed these things about him, have sat & thought about it because I've been going over everything for my plans to work, I do not love him but he is my children's father & quite possibly he is dying. I am not afraid of losing him, I'm afraid for my children! I wish to be prepared for anything and if I leave too soon, I will be the reason he dies.
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Embracelife · 11/09/2021 11:52

You are not responsible for his choices
Who has told you that?
Do you buy and make him drink?
Do you stop him getting medical help?

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Embracelife · 11/09/2021 11:52

He will die anyway.
Get the dc away

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OhDearShirley · 11/09/2021 11:54

I would suggest that his life expectancy is less than you've worked out, as what you describe are signs of both his liver and pancreas failing.
There is no way to stop him from drinking unless he wants to.
You need to leave for the sake of your children.

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RampantIvy · 11/09/2021 11:56

You don't owe him anything, but you owe your children a life free from this dysfunctional relationship.
Unfortunately every poster on here is right. He is too far gone now for anything to be of help, especially if he won't seek it.

Your children are your responsibility not him. You let them down by staying with him.

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tribpot · 11/09/2021 11:56

if I leave too soon, I will be the reason he dies.
The reason he will die is the vast quantity of alcohol he has consumed over the course of his life.

I don't think your children should have to live with him whilst he dies. I'm not suggesting they should cut contact, but that they need a safe space away from his self-destruction to deal with what is coming.

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RampantIvy · 11/09/2021 11:58

and if I leave too soon, I will be the reason he dies.

No, he will be the reason he dies.

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SparklingLime · 11/09/2021 12:06

God, I feel for your children. You can makes choices and get out - however difficult. They cannot. You sound entirely enmeshed with him, inflating your importance in his survival.

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SparklingLime · 11/09/2021 12:07

You aren’t saving him, you are enabling him.

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JustWorriedSick · 11/09/2021 22:01

My ex sounds very similar. In fact, he's further down the line than your other half and things look pretty bleak for him.
However I don't feel any guilt for leaving. I feel proud that I was strong enough to do it and get our children into safety.
If (when) he dies, it will be down to alcoholism. Not you.

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Wolfiefan · 11/09/2021 22:05

You won’t be the reason he dies.
That would be down to the choices he has made and continues to make.
Get yourself and the kids away and safe OP.

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PersonaNonGarter · 13/09/2021 00:34

Please get your children away. They do not need to put up with this.

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SecretDoor · 13/09/2021 10:55

He is in denial about his health.

If he is jaundiced and has ascites then he is terminally ill. If he is not engaging with a doctor or having any treatment then I suspect his life expectancy is actually very short.

I hope you have some real life support

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