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Original poster

Is a heavy drinker an alcoholic? Does it even matter?

29 replies

Comtedemontecristo · 04/09/2021 10:53

My DH drinks the weekly unit allowance every night. On non work nights it's much more. We've been together over 20 years and he's always done this. Previously it was beer. Now he adds wine and spirits but only when he's not working next day. He does control it and works out how much and how late he can drink if he has to drive the next day. He seems OK health wise though recently he seems to be having bowel issues.

Can you tell me if he's 'just' a heavy drinker or if he has a problem? Would you be worried? I don't drink so I can't guage what's normal. He says the unit limits are ridiculously low.

OP posts:
Bryonyshcmyony · 04/09/2021 10:53

So he drinks over a 100 units a week? He has a problem with alcohol, yes.

Bryonyshcmyony · 04/09/2021 10:54

If he's drinking 21 units a night he can't drive until 2pm the next day.

NotAnotherPushyMum · 04/09/2021 10:56

It’s enough to cause serious health issues and if he can’t go a night without it then yes, he has a problem.

PotteringAlong · 04/09/2021 10:56

What happens if he can’t have a drink (if he’s driving, out etc)?

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 04/09/2021 10:57

Of course he has a problem
Do you have kids?

Bryonyshcmyony · 04/09/2021 10:57

Sorry. If he's drinking 14 units a night and stops at midnight he's not safe to drive until 4pm to following day.

Wolfiefan · 04/09/2021 11:00

If he is drinking that amount daily then yes he’s an alcoholic.
But it doesn’t matter. If it’s affecting his health, life, family etc then it’s a problem.
You need to decide what you’re willing to put up with. I wouldn’t stay.

HavelockVetinari · 04/09/2021 11:02

@Bryonyshcmyony

Sorry. If he's drinking 14 units a night and stops at midnight he's not safe to drive until 4pm to following day.
Not correct - it takes an average adult an hour to process a unit of alcohol, and your body gets to work on it straight away - so if he starts drinking at 6pm then calculate from there unless he heavily backloads his drinking. If he starts drinking at 6pm then he can drive at 7-8am if he sticks to 14 units (many heavy drinkers underestimate units though so be careful).

You can buy breathalysers for at home, worth it in your DH's case.

Runforthehillocks · 04/09/2021 11:10

Of course he says the guidelines are too low - he doesn't want to have to cut down.

Whether or not he is an alcoholic depends on what happens when he can't get hold of his 'fix'. And whether or not his drinking is causing problems in his or his family's lives. Is he pleasant to be around when he drinks? Does he embarrass you when out? Does he refuse to go to things because either he's already too drunk, or there won't be enough drink there? Does he have a few drinks before a function just in case there's not enough there? Does his drinking interfere with family life, in that he puts it before his children?

All that aside, the amount he is drinking could eventually cause liver failure.

Original poster
Comtedemontecristo · 04/09/2021 11:23

We don't have kids. He gets a bit garrolous but not violent or unpleasant. He works from home 2 or 3 days a week. He does seem to avoid going out at weekends if it means he has to drive but he hardly goes out so it's hard to tell. He starts drinking at 5 on a week night and lunchtime at weekends. He drinks more if he's stressed at work. He never drives if he's drunk too much the night before. He is very aware of what he's doing. Main problem is if he mixes his drinks and gets paralytic - he can drink a lot before he's anywhere near drunk. The issue for me is his health as his behaviour is OK. He's a happy drunk I guess although his boundaries loosen so he might do something daft like buy something he doesn't need, nothing drastic

OP posts:
Original poster
Comtedemontecristo · 04/09/2021 11:26

Only time I've seen him go without drink is if we go on holiday and he goes a few extra hours without a drink. He doesn't shake or anything. Don't think I've ever seen him go a whole day without drinking so again hard to tell

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 04/09/2021 12:52

Don’t ever have kids with him OP.

BritishSummertime · 04/09/2021 12:57

Don't think I've ever seen him go a whole day without drinking

Surely that is a massive issue!

samthebordercollie · 04/09/2021 12:58

It sounds like he has a heavy dependency if nothing else. Drinking that amount, every day is definitely not 'normal' drinking if there is such a thing. The fact he prefers to stay in at weekends to drink rather than going out means it has a high priority in his life. Can you persuadé home to get a liver function test done? The results lights scare him into stopping or at least cutting down (drastically). He might seem OK at the moment but that level of drinking will catch up with him at some point.

Original poster
Comtedemontecristo · 04/09/2021 13:00

No kids, we're late 50s lol.

As I said, it's his health I'm worried about. I think the amount he drinks is damaging his health just as heavy smoking or unhealthy eating would.

But there's a difference between alcoholic and heavy drinking I think, as in former is an addiction, latter is lifestyle.

So a heavy drinker could cut down or have dry times, but this would be dangerous for an addict. Or is that wrong thinking?

OP posts:
Etinox · 04/09/2021 13:18

He won’t make old bones I’m afraid. Flowers
I don’t know what to advise. He probably is an alcoholic, manipulating his world managing very well. The question is how do you feel about losing him soon, or caring for him long term?

Wolfiefan · 04/09/2021 13:41

He is an alcoholic OP. You’re wasting your time saying otherwise. He doesn’t want to stop and so won’t.

Auroreforet · 04/09/2021 13:45

@Comtedemontecristo you're right to worry about his health.
He needs to see a doctor and get his bowel problems checked.
Your dh is at more risk of ill health due to his excessive drinking.

ElspethFlashman · 04/09/2021 13:56

He drinks heavily 365 days a year, and you've never once in 20 years seen him go a day without a drink.

That means he's drank heavily for every one of the 7,300 days you've been with him.

And you're questioning if he's an alcoholic??? Of course he's an alcoholic!!!

And yes, it's going to kill him. He needs a colonoscopy immediately, as his consumption makes him at a much higher risk for colorectal cancer.

I'm extremely suprised he hasn't had pancreatitis yet, but I'm sure that's coming.

You also need to keep watch for any vagueness of concentration or confusion or any sign of Wernicke encephalopathy. In his 50s is slap bang in the middle of the most common age for it.

Wolfiefan · 04/09/2021 14:39

Or better still get out and leave him to face the consequences of his own actions himself.

PotteringAlong · 04/09/2021 19:01

You’ve never ever seen him have a day without alcohol? In how long?

HavelockVetinari · 05/09/2021 19:09

He's likely physically addicted at that amount, he might have a few withdrawal symptoms (probs not full on DTs if he doesn't need a drink in the morning).

It's not good for his health, but as long as he's not hurting anybody else and you're happy together you don't need to force him to stop if you don't want to. Do watch out for the slippery slope though - it's hard when you retire, going from very active to free all week. Drinking should be fun, not a necessity to get by. Drinking from boredom potentially indicates depression, something to think about.

Original poster
Comtedemontecristo · 05/09/2021 19:28

@HavelockVetinari

He's likely physically addicted at that amount, he might have a few withdrawal symptoms (probs not full on DTs if he doesn't need a drink in the morning).

It's not good for his health, but as long as he's not hurting anybody else and you're happy together you don't need to force him to stop if you don't want to. Do watch out for the slippery slope though - it's hard when you retire, going from very active to free all week. Drinking should be fun, not a necessity to get by. Drinking from boredom potentially indicates depression, something to think about.

Thank you for your helpful reply. You are correct, he's only hurting himself and I married him for sickness and health. He's ill not a monster. I wouldn't leave him because he smokes and is likely to get cancer, so alcohol addiction is no different. He doesn't drink because of boredom but because of stress and because he's always been a heavy drinker so now he's addicted. His parents and grandparents are /we're also very heavy drinkers. His dad is in his 80s and has parkinsons which is probably related. But yes, very helpful reply.

PS he's an adult and it is not for me to tell him how much to drink. I just need to get him to see how worried I am about his health x

OP posts:
Backtobacktheyfacedeachother · 05/09/2021 19:33

As I said, it's his health I'm worried about. I think the amount he drinks is damaging his health

He may get away with it, it’s luck of the draw. One alcoholic in our family (drinks less units than your DH) now has serious memory issues which started early 60’s & it won’t be long until they need looking after full time. They currently need reminding to put clean clothes on, eat, clean etc.

Another relative drank much more than above relative for many more years but reached 84 with all their faculties.

TheHouseILiveIn · 05/09/2021 19:48

Surely 'addicted to alcohol'= alcoholic. It's all just labels, anyway. What's important is the impact it has on you