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Alcohol support

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Original poster

Al-anon , what is it and how does it work?

34 replies

fedup078 · 22/07/2021 07:45

Hi, just wondering if Al-anon is religion based like AA
I'm very much an atheist so I'm not sure how I'd get on with that
Also what exactly happens in meetings?
I feel like I need support but not sure how I feel about sitting in a room with other people. What do you talk about?

I'm worried dragging up the past will be more detrimental than helpful but surely a lot of people feel like that but a lot of people sing Al-anons praises on here regularly

OP posts:
pointythings · 22/07/2021 10:38

Al-Anon is for the relatives of alcohol dependent people, so if you are the one with the alcohol problem, you're looking for AA.

AA does work with a 'higher power'. In theory this doesn't have to be religious - my late husband decided to focus on the DDs as his higher power and his lead towards getting sober. It didn't work, but it shows you the idea behind it. In practice it really depends on the individual group you are in. His group was secular in nature, but many are not.

If you are worried about this, other groups are available - I would recommend looking into SMART recovery, which is not religious at all and works on addressing the causes of alcohol dependency. They have online meetings as well.

Good luck!

pointythings · 22/07/2021 10:39

Annnnd I'm an idiot - I've just recognised you.

All I'll say is that the group I go to is very secular in nature and as a fellow atheist, that suits me.

Original poster
fedup078 · 22/07/2021 10:46

@pointythings hey don't apologise
Thanks
I just don't know if I have the confidence to go

OP posts:
pointythings · 22/07/2021 11:14

That first step is incredibly tough, but honestly - if the group is right, you will feel listened to and supported. If you don't feel that way, it isn't the right group. You don't have to speak if you don't want to - listening to other people's stories can help you not feel alone.

If you're in my area, I can point you towards my group via pm, but that only works if you're in West Suffolk.

Original poster
fedup078 · 22/07/2021 11:20

Ah I'm in the northeast

OP posts:
herewegogc · 22/07/2021 11:28

It is based on the 12 step programme like AA. although it talks about a higher power, this can be personal to you rather than a bid like figure. I went years ago and during my first meeting I felt like we were all talking about the same addicted person. There was comfort in that. Also practising detachment with love and learning how not to project was really useful. The people in the group were really friendly and when I phoned them, someone met me outside so I didn't go in alone. Good luck.

herewegogc · 22/07/2021 11:28

Bid? 'God like' !

Original poster
fedup078 · 22/07/2021 11:31

@herewegogc yes I can imagine the stories are all pretty similar . My ex is reminds me more and more or my mother all the time

OP posts:
pointythings · 22/07/2021 11:42

@herewegogc

Bid? 'God like' !
Maybe some people's higher power is eBay?
LividLaVidaLoca · 22/07/2021 11:59

I went to Al-Anon about ten years ago when I was married to an alcoholic and desperately sad.

I am a raging atheist.

I was mid-20s. Most of the group were older than me tbh, and at pains to point out that the references to higher power were entirely whatever you wanted them to be.

I found the group incredibly helpful at a very very difficult time.

I learned I wasn’t alone. I learned my H was unlikely to change. I learned that I couldn’t spend my life like that. I eventually left him and found freedom.

Honest, the god thing is a red herring. You need support.

Original poster
fedup078 · 23/07/2021 09:36

Thanks everyone
I've been putting it off due to Covid but now it's obvious Covid is going nowhere
I don't fancy doing online meetings that's deffo not for me
I found myself almost getting sucked back in by the ex this week which means I have to go over and over all the stuff he did to reassure me that ending the marriage was the right thing to do
Can't bore my friends with it for any longer so I think I need to bite the bullet and go to a meeting

OP posts:
pointythings · 23/07/2021 11:02

I agree that you need a meeting, and if a face to face is available, so much the better. My group has been over Zoom for more than a year but we are looking to go back face to face in August.

And seriously - if you need to vent, go over stuff and all that, you can always PM me. I will always reply. I don't care if you repeat stuff - I remember the time when I needed that myself. Validation gives so much strength!

Original poster
fedup078 · 23/07/2021 11:04

Thank you @pointythings

OP posts:
vjg13 · 24/07/2021 17:10

I am thinking about trying a meeting. My friend is a ticking time bomb, she has almost died twice in the last few years. Is a lot of Al-Anon rhetoric around acceptance because that is the part I really struggle with.

pointythings · 24/07/2021 17:16

vjg13 support groups for relatives are about a lot of things. They are about detaching with love, which means protecting yourself from the addict's worst impact on your life and wellbeing. They are about learning the difference between being supportive and enabling. And yes, they are about learning acceptance - the acceptance that you are powerless to help the addict in your life to change, because only they can do that. Mostly though they are about making you see that you are not the only one in your situation.

vjg13 · 24/07/2021 18:37

Thank you.

HuntingoftheSnark · 24/07/2021 19:21

Hi OP, I'm in AA not Al Anon but have recently attended an Al Anon meeting to share - just read your responses but see that @pointythings is on here so you're in good hands. You definitely don't need to be religious - I'm not and have been in AA over 13 years. In fact if we know there are newcomers in a meeting, there's an unwritten rule not to mention God too much anyway. Even at the end we say "using the word God as you understand it".

AA meetings are a lot of acceptance based sharing too - including acceptance that our recovery, our living amends etc may be too little, too late for the people we love and whose lives we have made so incredibly difficult.

You also don't have to say anything if you don't want to.

Knobblybobbly · 20/08/2021 02:37

I’m resurrecting this thread. @fedup078 did you ever go?

I’m considering it. My husband is a heavy drinker (notice how I didn’t say alcoholic…. Still struggling with that!) he’s currently not drinking because it goes in cycles and we’re in a good patch.. Rather than just being relieved and enjoying it, this time my mind is constantly occupied with worry about him starting up again. I know he will, of course, and I’m dreading it.

I have some questions:

  1. Do I tell him I’m going to Al-Anon and why? He’s stopped drinking on his own so is temporarily sober. He’ll think it’s a pretty odd time for me to start going to a support group.

  2. What kind of conversations do I have with my daughter? (6 years) Could I take her or is this wildly inappropriate?

  3. As a couple we talk about his drinking a lot and I’ve always been very loving and supportive but neither of us have fully accepted the term alcoholism. It feels wrong to start using it before he has accepted it himself. Am I right? Can he be the only one to label his condition? I’m so scared of shaming him by using that word and going to al-anon

  4. I now realise my loving support may actually be enabling him in many ways. I’m worried that a sudden change in ny behaviours will confuse him….. not sure what I mean here. But perhaps it will appear as though my principals have changed. I guess they have. But what if that upsets him?

alexdgr8 · 20/08/2021 02:50

these kind of meetings are adults only.

Knobblybobbly · 20/08/2021 02:52

Ok thanks @alexdgr8

Original poster
fedup078 · 20/08/2021 07:41

@Knobblybobbly no I haven't
I haven't had a second to myself lately
It doesn't matter if it seems an odd time though as it's still effecting you now

I've been trying to avoid using the word alcoholic for my husband and mother lately

In my mind alcoholics are dependent like drug addicts to the point they will have physical repercussions if they don't drink daily

Problem drinkers however, like my stbxh and late mother proved they could go without . For weeks sometimes. But then Would still have their benders even though they knew they risked losing everyone close to them . I know it's still an addiction , that the urge is very strong but I feel problem drinkers have a choice where as alcoholics don't

OP posts:
Knobblybobbly · 20/08/2021 11:34

Yes I think my husband falls into that category of problem drinking. But he always eventually goes back to drinking under the guise that “it will be ok this time” and “I can just drink like a normal person” but inevitably it spirals out of control. Even though that spiralling only really happens 4 times a year.

For some reason, in this sober spell I’m feeling no sense of relief. I think I’ve lost hope he will stay sober permanently. Perhaps before now I’ve never really acknowledged that’s what I want/need.

Manteo · 04/12/2021 21:22

@Knobblybobbly @fedup078

Have either of you been to a meeting yet? I found this thread by googly 'al anon mumsnet' to see if there were any threads about what goes on there.

DH is very much a problem drinker and I need to leave but I think I need to do a few things first, al-anon, CBT , see a solicitor. Sort my head out a bit really. Currently listening to him mumbling various swear words while he's half asleep in bed and waiting for him to start stumbling around the house again. We have a young child and it's exhausting trying the shield them from it.

theriverrunsthrough · 04/12/2021 21:34

OP you can jump on to a 247 AA meeting on zoom, it runs continuously with people from all around the world. It was set up during the first lock down and is very effective. You dont have to speak, you can just log in and listen. It isn't religion heavy, they do talk about a higher power at the very start but that higher power can be any god - or you can just ignore that little bit.

There are also many many AA zoom meeting from ones in your area - to women only. You can even sit with your face blacked out and just listen. You will be surprised how many people are on there.

You can go on if you have any issues with drinking from full on alcoholic to binge drinking. People can choose to talk/share or just listen, there is no pressure.

'Problem' drinkers still have that overwhelming urge to drink.

pointythings · 06/12/2021 15:54

Manteo with a child in the picture, the sooner you are out, the better. I took waaaay too long from realising the problem was real and serious to doing anything about it - it took me 2 years to work through the realisation, learn to stop enabling, detach and find the resolution to act. It did damage, to me and to my DDs.

So start by finding support sooner rather than later - if there is a wellbeing service in your area that you can self refer into, do that. At the same time, seek out Al-Anon or similar. And start getting your ducks in a row - financials, passports, banking information, house details - so that when you make the move, you're ready. It's scary to walk away from a relationship, but I can promise you that life without an alcohol dependent person in it is vastly better.