Day zero, because I can't say I've reached day 1 yet

[Dumbitdown]

I'm sitting here now, trying to ignore the niggle in my mind that insists I pop to the off licence. So I wrote this instead. Only another 5 and a bit hours to get through, until it closes.

I've been trying to stop drinking for over a year and, for the first time since my early teens, I did manage 3 months dry. That was last year, after getting myself into a situation while drunk that was dangerous enough to freak me all the way out. However, Christmas came around and I was in a very stressful environment at home, so I caved, got hammered, and have scarcely had a handful of nights off since.

I've tried to be honest with family about my need to quit the drink, but they don't take me seriously and say "ah but you'll have a glass with dinner tonight" or "but you will on your birthday, of course" or "the doctors are always telling me I drink too much too, it's their way!".

The glass at dinner always turns into a bottle, and then, for me, on to blackout. I got nonverbally sloshed on my birthday and had to be stopped from stripping off my clothing at the dinner table before being carried off to bed. It's just that the drink is such a part of our family life, I suppose they don't think I have a problem.

I got a telling off this morning from my psychiatrist, who has ordered me to call my GP and get detoxed. I haven't called her yet. I want to quit. I really, honestly do, but I find it so hard when it's all around and I'm feeling weak with maleable arms. How do you reinforce your willpower? How do you fight off the cravings? How do you get people to stop cajoling?

Ah, don't be too hard on yourself OP!

Tomorrow is another day. You'll get there x

Hugs we all have slips, as others have said tomorrow is another day, too I used to do this when depressed at work 22 years draw 12 squares, decide each into four, every 15 minutes shade a bit in, that way you get through the day, another 15 minutes without a drink, eventually you’ll go longer, but try this for now.

Hi @Dumbitdown I've just found your thread, I love that you're using this as a safe space where you can be honest about your journey. How are you feeling today? You had some hard emotional triggers to deal with yesterday, I hope today is more positive for you. Xx

So you had a slip and fell down. It's ok. How many failures are strewn across the path to success? The fact is that you're trying. A baby falls down a lot of times before it learns to walk. You ARE going to get there. I just feel it in my bones. You have an abundance of self awareness. You are a million miles from denial. Inside your soul is choosing a different way and it will lead you there step by step. It will bring people and circumstances to support you. And one day you will help others just like you are helping them now with the honesty of your journey.

Where are you and would somewhere residential be an option? A month somewhere to be away from all temptation and to work through your relationship with alcohol?

Could you try alcoholics anonymous? Go to daily meetings if necessary?
The thing is, willpower is all very we but you have a physical addiction as well as a psychological addiction and you will need proper help with that.

Have you opened up to your family and said " i am an addict, i need your help?"
Would that be possible?

Hiya OP,

how are you??

Hope you are getting some real life support x

Oh, where to start! Where to start... I don't remember much from last week but it seems it was quite eventful. I look like I'm halfway painted in army camouflage with all the bruises and I'm pretty sure I've fractured my tailbone. Can't even let loose a fart without yelping.

My car has a new dent and a flat tyre - I do remember doing that but I categorically should not have been behind the wheel. My brother is coming to visit tomorrow and we've agreed he'll take the keys for at least a couple of weeks. If I'm going to waste my money on drink, I can fecking spend it on taxis until I sort myself out.

On Friday, I got onto the Whatsapp group and chatted with my girlfriends. We haven't seen much of each other over covid and previous to that I lived abroad, so they weren't really clued in to what's going on with me. I also am not one of those people who texts/calls when drunk. However, one of them called another and they had a chat about my messages, which were general chit chat about work but my spelling and grammar were way out of whack which apparently never happens! They called my brother who came and brought me to my folks to sober up for a couple of days - they didn't touch a drop this time, either.

So, back to the start once again. The nausea, the weakness, the insomnia, the headache and sore joints are all full tilt. And I'm full, full to the brim, of anger and shame. Fury. I can't get over the fact that I drove. I met one of the girls this week and will be meeting the others one by one over the coming week. They're rallying which is wonderful but also awful because that means they're worried. And when they hear the truth, because I'm not going to lie, what will they think??

Also, I apologise for not answering your posts individually. I read them all and have read them several times over but you might have noticed I can get a tad longwinded so I'm trying to reel it in.

@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow I guess I am in the process of 'coming out' to family and friends now. I was always fearful of a residential stay but the friend I met this week had a chat with me about it and I'm less fearful of it now.

@Holothane I like that idea. I will try that from today, thank you.

@Dumbitdown I wish you well with your recovery journey but please stop drink driving before you kill someone. I'm shocked that no one else on this thread seems to think this is a problem.

Hello lovely girl. I'm guessing you're a bit psychic because I was just wondering how you were when you're latest message came through. All of us here on this thread care about you very much because life is so hard and we are all suffering with something and we all understand. Please don't beat yourself up anymore. We all make endless mistakes. How else would we ever learn? I still have every faith in you and your eventual recovery. Your journey on this earth has been a very tough one but I truly believe that one day you will turn it into something very positive. Keep on hanging on. And take special care.

Hi glad the car keys are taken but please remember this hangover stage it is hell do you want this for the rest of your life? Hang-in n there before you kill yourself. You can do this this, remember my tip. 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

@Dumbitdown bless you . I just wanted to say this is not your fault alcohol is an addictive substance , the same as nicotine , cocaine , heroin. It is so normalised in our society that the majority of us do not see it for what it really is . To drink an addictive substance then wonder why people get addicted is ridiculous. This is not your fault , you can do this .

I made it! I went in to the meeting!! I didn't say much but listened and by the end felt like I'd found a really good group of people. I've never felt so proud for doing something so small.

And about the drink driving - it is my biggest fear through all this that I go out drunk some day and hurt or kill someone. I have, over the years, gotten myself into risky, dangerous situations because of alcohol but would never get behind the wheel drunk and would get into arguments with friends who tried. It was an absolute no. The fact that I have now done so on more than one occasion over the last weeks has me reeling with fear, shame and fury because I know it means I am way out of control. I must do everything I can to regain control and that means quitting. Quitting driving - something I very much enjoy doing and something that will cost me a lot of time and money to go without - until I can quit drinking. I will not put other people's lives at risk again. And I feel sick that I had to put that word, 'again'.

"They're rallying which is wonderful but also awful because that means they're worried. And when they hear the truth, because I'm not going to lie, what will they think??"

They'll think someone they care about is in the grips of an addictive illness and needs all the help she can get. They'll worry until they see you reach out and take it.
Well done on the meeting. Could you go to GP, tell the truth, ask for Antabuse?

You can get better, you can recover. But I think you need to reach out and grab everything offered.
Not drinking isn't so hard after the first few weeks. You won't be fighting a battle. The cravings do lessen, your life fills up with other good stuff. But the 'dry plateau" when you first quit -when you are missing the booze but waiting to feel better to reap the good stuff is the hardest. So please be brave and get professional help, rehab, counselling, GP explore all the options - don't be scared. Be scared of what happens if you don't - this can't go on, you deserve so much more.
Soph