Day zero, because I can't say I've reached day 1 yet

[Dumbitdown]

I'm sitting here now, trying to ignore the niggle in my mind that insists I pop to the off licence. So I wrote this instead. Only another 5 and a bit hours to get through, until it closes.

I've been trying to stop drinking for over a year and, for the first time since my early teens, I did manage 3 months dry. That was last year, after getting myself into a situation while drunk that was dangerous enough to freak me all the way out. However, Christmas came around and I was in a very stressful environment at home, so I caved, got hammered, and have scarcely had a handful of nights off since.

I've tried to be honest with family about my need to quit the drink, but they don't take me seriously and say "ah but you'll have a glass with dinner tonight" or "but you will on your birthday, of course" or "the doctors are always telling me I drink too much too, it's their way!".

The glass at dinner always turns into a bottle, and then, for me, on to blackout. I got nonverbally sloshed on my birthday and had to be stopped from stripping off my clothing at the dinner table before being carried off to bed. It's just that the drink is such a part of our family life, I suppose they don't think I have a problem.

I got a telling off this morning from my psychiatrist, who has ordered me to call my GP and get detoxed. I haven't called her yet. I want to quit. I really, honestly do, but I find it so hard when it's all around and I'm feeling weak with maleable arms. How do you reinforce your willpower? How do you fight off the cravings? How do you get people to stop cajoling?

I love the "Long Hangover" @MotherTruckerr. Mine lasted at least a week when I quit this time round!
You had a stumble @Dumbitdown, you pushed your luck with the market, like @Sonata13 says, too fragile, too soon. Never mind, what do you want to do from here? Did you see the GP?

Don't be ashamed - you owe us nothing, it's you that you are doing this for, and it's bloody hard. We're here to help if you want this.
Soph

This is a 30-day support to help you give up alcohol. I did it and found it really good: learn.thisnakedmind.com/the-alcohol-experiment-registration

OP, I’m so sorry that market made you so anxious.

I’m far from the best person to chime in but I have recently started listening to audio books from Craig Beck and also The Sober Diaries by Claire Pooley. It’s hard but I like the way that Craig describes not being an addict. It’s resonates and feels more empowering. Both are the cost of a bottle of wine and far more beneficial to you. I’d also suggest things like Sober Girl Society on insta.

I wish you every luck, you’ve already started the journey (which is the hardest part). You will have wobbles so don’t feel too bad about it. Keep going, you’ll get there.

I signed up to Annie grace and read a book called Alcohol Explained. And Allan Carr’s book.

I managed to stop from Jan - April although it has crept back in. But I’m much more aware now of my drinking. I do feel I need to read the books again though! But I needed those books to kick start me.

Alcohol Explained - you can read the first five chapters for free.

I just thought I would check in - things haven't been so good to be honest. i have checked in with the community addiction services and had a couple of zooms with them this week, which were helpful and I hope they lead to a discovery of self help.

However, I've been on a bit of a bender since (on the wine already) and completely forgot my zoom call with them yesterday. I didn't even realise it was Saturday until my father told me on the phone this morning!! I honestly thought it was Wednesday, whoopsie....

I'm just about to manage to keep my house in order, and I have been working enough to keep a trickle coming in. But I think my seams are frayed to the limit and it's all going to rip apart very soon. I don't want it to.

Sometimes all you can do is keep on hanging on and be proud of that.
Your house is in order - well done.
You're managing to keep working - brave and amazing.
You've taken the courageous step to ask for help - fantastic.
You are very aware and honest with yourself and others.
You are an incredible human being dealing with a cruel illness.
If you fall get up again. And keep getting up again. And keep reaching out for help.
You will not allow your life to fall apart. Inside you are strong. I have faith in you.
Please take care and speak kindly to yourself.

Hi OP, how are you doing today?

Please ask for more support from your GP. Maybe tell them that you need more than a Zoom meeting.

Hope you are ok

Hi there,
I'm back at the start again after last week's... stumble... so I've read through this entire thread and reading your replies has me in tears again!! Thank you all, I didn't realise just how helpful this would be.

So, I'm on day 4 or possibly 5 of Long Hangover (love that!), as I can't remember if I drank on Saturday... In addition to the bodyache, headache, nausea et al, I have not slept more than 2 hours since Sunday. It is maddening.

However, on Monday I had a stroke of luck, because that day's Zoom call with the addiction services centre was a mess and started 20 minutes late, so I had the facilitator all to myself. He was amazing and gave me heaps of information and confidence-boosting anecdotes. He also pointed me to a face-to-face recovery group which is taking place this evening, about 30 minutes drive from my house. I am very shy and find it hard to attend things like this but if I can get my arse in the door, I know it will be 20 times better for me than the Zoom calls, where it's too easy to hide behind a blacked-out camera. He told me to arrive 15 minutes early, so that's what I'll do.

The cravings are still epic. I've been tracking triggers since I got in touch with the addiction services and - for the life of me - couldn't see any pattern. It seems like anything is a trigger. I'd been looking at the wrong column the whole time, though, because yesterday I copped that the column titled "Anything good happen?" had a very definite pattern: "I relaxed immediately when I bought the wine." "It calmed the me down." "I chilled for a few hours before passing out." You get the drift... I think I might be a little bit anxious.

That's somewhere to start, isn't it? Hopefully I will be able to rest a bit today, otherwise I might not be fit to drive to the meeting. I tried all the tricks last night - meditation, bath, book, walk, chamomile - but nothing worked and I am absolutely wired.

@nowtygaffer

Hi OP, how are you doing today?

Please ask for more support from your GP. Maybe tell them that you need more than a Zoom meeting.

Hope you are ok

Thank you for checking in. I'm hanging in there. Have had an extra 8 hours a day to think about things over the last three days and have realised there are only two possible outcomes to my current path; a difficult, painful, alcohol-free new start or a sad, messy, wasted life.

I'm going to try everything. All the books, all the groups, until I find something that works. I'm on a waiting list to be assigned a key worker with the addiction services. They said it should be 2 to 3 weeks from initial contact. This person will do an assessment and we'll see what happens from there. I'm not really sure how this world works - I've never sought treatment before so even the vocabulary is new to me!

Well done. I’ve just read your thread all the way through and you are in such a different place to the start and it’s fantastic.

Just read through this thread, trying to convince myself to start today!! Was starting yesterday and the day before etc!!! It just never seems to work out, nd I always end up caving and being so mad with myself wen i wake up in the morning!! There is some great support nd info on this thread, I do find it so comforting to read through! @Dumbitdown well done to to you, you are doing amazing!!!

Hand hold from me, I do this, I treat every day as if it’s the first day without a drink, been dry nearly 8 years but I find for me that’s the only way, I try to never forget how awful the hangovers were and blackouts. I live on bitter lemon in the summer. Luckily as older not into pubs now.

Hi OP, I think you are doing amazingly well!

Just take it one day at a time and grab all the support you can get. It's scary to think of this is it forever so just concentrate on getting through each day.

I really hope that you made it to your meeting. It's ok to be shy, it's actually very endearing. You have the ability to communicate beautifully and when you feel a little more relaxed you will do just that. Look how far you've come in a few short days. Look how brave you've been by reaching out.
A better life is waiting patiently for you x

Another one here saying you're amazing OP!
Small steps, one day at a time.
The first couple of weeks are hard. Remember that as a good thing - weird I know - but if you can do those two weeks, it gets loads better. And you only have to do them once! And they're hard because your brain is re-wiring, your body is starting to repair - and that's why your sleep/emotions etc are all over the place...just try and ride it out, minute by minute if you have to.
I was going to bed at 7.00 p.m. the first two weeks! Just to change the routine, just to nurture myself. I read as much quit lit as I could (thank you Catherine Gray and Augustin Burroughs!) and watched You Tube - Annie Grace. I ate chocolate, drank gallons of Becks Blue and ploughed through.

If you want fiction and you haven't read it, download Rachel's Holiday to escape a bit - you'll relate to it but hopefully enjoy it too.
Keep going - baby steps. We're here. Lean on us if you need to. We get it!
Soph

This is really inspiring. You have such honesty, insight and commitment...

You mention anxiety and I think it can be a big drive to drink. Emotional management in general.

Have you added anything in like running, being in nature, yoga, candle baths to bring your anxiety down?? That column is interesting as it does sound like generalised anxiety is a trigger for you

But well done x

Anxiety.
I was anxious so I drank - the next day my anxiety was worse, so I drank again. And so on. When I quit, I was anxious that my anxiety would worsen, without my wine to lessen it, because I honestly thought that drink helped it. Actually it made it worse. For the first couple of dry weeks, my anxiety raged - then it got better. I would say, on average, I'm 80% less anxious now.

I drank to feel chilled. And I finally got that chilled feeling, through quitting.
That was a real eye opener for me.

Hi Dumbitdown,
I just wanted to add my support to the thread. You may not feel like it at the moment, but you're doing amazingly. I've been where you are now and can say that whilst, at times, it feels undescribably impossible to escape the trap, it is absolutely doable. And, oddly, all these little pockets of alcohol free days that you manage to string together count a lot more than you might think. I ultimately found that each one helped me get some perspective on my situation and to get more resilient and then one day I finally found myself with the resources to become the one calling the shots. And you will too. Just keep going (and keep posting!).

Thank you again for your messages of support and hand holds. It works, it really does, to read them. I feel more secure that I'm doing the right thing, because you're telling me so.

Well... on with the story. I drove there, parked and walked around the building towards the door. There was a group of people hanging out on the steps leading up to it and I ended up walking straight past to sit for about 10 minutes at a bus stop trying to work up the... some... (any) balls, but I ended up walking back to the car and home. Aaargh!! is the only appropriate word I can think of to describe how I feel about that.

I admitted it straight out to my brother and my partner and both have offered to accompany me to the meeting next week, just to get me in there the first time. I might take one of them up on it. I also just realised as I write this that I forgot to call back the facilitator who pointed me to the meeting. He wanted me to check in with him and let him know how I got on. I'll call him tomorrow.

Today, I had an appointment with a psychologist that I've been seeing nearly every week for the past year and a bit. I think because I've been writing here, and because I've been thinking so long and hard about what to do, I had the best session I've ever had with him. He barely opened his mouth the whole time but I managed to organise all these thoughts a little more. And, up till now, not a single craving to report today. That's just mad. No, wait, it's a lie! I did feel like drowning my sorrows last night as I left in the car but I ignored it and went home. I also slept for 4 complete hours. And Jesus wept!

Tomorrow, I'm going to the city to collect my parents and take them away for the weekend. I'll be taxiing them around all weekend but there will be many temptations to deal with. They drink a lot and they want and seem to expect everyone else to drink a lot, too.

Well your driving so tell them just no, hang in there, remember each day is a new start, handhold.

How are you getting on, @Dumbitdown?

@MacavityTheDentistsCat

How are you getting on, *@Dumbitdown*?

Good morning! @Holothane, your tip about seeing every day as the first day rings loud and true. Every day is new and every day is a challenge. Seeing that you've got through 8 years really gives hope. Thank you for taking the time to post. And the driving did help!!

@MacavityTheDentistsCat thank you for checking in on me.

Day 8, a week!! , without touching a drop and I'm starting to feel a bit stronger, physically. The two nights away were tough and lovely at the same time; tough, because it was a weekend drowned in booze, and lovely because I slept so much and managed to get closer (emotionally) to my partner. It's the first time I've been away from my house since moving in last March and it's the first time I've visited this town, that I usually go to once every month or two, since the eve of Covid.

My partner is being a big sturdy rock and I'm really seeing him in a new, more positive light than I did before all this - not that I looked on him negatively... It's so hard for me to open up to people and moreso to drop guard and trust a man, so all of this process feels like raw exposure.

Anyway, he lives closer to this town than he does to me, and he works very hard but he told me he'd come to see me at 11pm on the Saturday night. Holding on to the knowledge that he'd be along was what got me through a very boozy afternoon and evening where I was offered and surrounded by wine, beer, cold ciders and big chilled gins, shots, coffee with shots (doesn't count as booze??) and all shades of cocktails. I came close to caving twice but the thought of him was enough for me to make my excuses and go off for a little walk around the house and garden. I found myself not really able to get into the banter but I was so focussed on getting through the night, I didn't really put any importance on it this time round.

I'm meeting and being assessed by the key worker this Wednesday afternoon, in the same building as the face to face recovery meeting which will take place that evening. I will get in there this time.

I hope you are all enjoying this tropical weather. I'm resolved not to complain about the heat because, well, we all know what comes after. Although, I am lucky enough be able to get away with working in knicks and a t-shirt. Shhhhhhhhhh....

Well done!
What an amazing achievement to be surrounded by all that alcohol and not give in!
In awe!
Huge pat in back.

@Sonata13

Well done! What an amazing achievement to be surrounded by all that alcohol and not give in! In awe! Huge pat in back.

Thank you @Sonata13 however after all that I'm after ruining it again... Two pregnancy announcements from close friends, yesterday and today, sent me reeling and before I knew it I was in the off licence. I even managed to delay by going for a walk in the woods on the way, but I still went. For context, myself and the ex had gone through 3xIUI and were just about to start IVF when we split a couple of years ago. I'm very happy for all my friends and family as they announce baby after baby but oftentimes I hurt as well. I know it's wrong but it just happens. Well, I'm coping the wrong way tonight but I suppose that means I'll have to be ready and armed with another way to cope with the next one. Bottoms up. Sorry.