Day zero, because I can't say I've reached day 1 yet

[Dumbitdown]

I'm sitting here now, trying to ignore the niggle in my mind that insists I pop to the off licence. So I wrote this instead. Only another 5 and a bit hours to get through, until it closes.

I've been trying to stop drinking for over a year and, for the first time since my early teens, I did manage 3 months dry. That was last year, after getting myself into a situation while drunk that was dangerous enough to freak me all the way out. However, Christmas came around and I was in a very stressful environment at home, so I caved, got hammered, and have scarcely had a handful of nights off since.

I've tried to be honest with family about my need to quit the drink, but they don't take me seriously and say "ah but you'll have a glass with dinner tonight" or "but you will on your birthday, of course" or "the doctors are always telling me I drink too much too, it's their way!".

The glass at dinner always turns into a bottle, and then, for me, on to blackout. I got nonverbally sloshed on my birthday and had to be stopped from stripping off my clothing at the dinner table before being carried off to bed. It's just that the drink is such a part of our family life, I suppose they don't think I have a problem.

I got a telling off this morning from my psychiatrist, who has ordered me to call my GP and get detoxed. I haven't called her yet. I want to quit. I really, honestly do, but I find it so hard when it's all around and I'm feeling weak with maleable arms. How do you reinforce your willpower? How do you fight off the cravings? How do you get people to stop cajoling?

Do you live with your family or is it possible to avoid them whist you first start out so you can avoid their temptation?
I think I got to the point where I was just scared to carry on. I had tried, unsuccessfully, several times to quit but last year I had just really had enough. I bought this book, started doing yoga videos on YouTube (yoga with Adriene and yoga with Kassandra) I already did 5 minutes guided meditation everyday with the simple habit App but with daily drinking and the pandemic my anxiety’s was through the roof.
www.worldofbooks.com/en-gb/books/catherine-gray/unexpected-joy-of-being-sober/9781912023387?gclid=CjwKCAjwwqaGBhBKEiwAMk-FtISkDuJnIR4QQ9Ki1rEbAyFuX83J28cPZmQIb2PoP_Wi9yvYp6C2UhoCQt8QAvD_BwE

The early days were difficult, I’m not going to lie, but now I hardly ever think about alcohol and I enjoyed my first sober Christmas in over 30 years.
I’m now day 353 AF. My anxiety is less, I’m thinner, richer, I sleep better and feel so much happier. I have loved ones who are alcoholics and one is suffering serious memory issues and beginning to look unkempt, it’s hard to see but it also strengthens my resolve to stay AF because I don’t want to end up the same way.
I read this thread for inspiration when I first wanted to give up but it was 14months later before I actually managed to properly attempt it.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/AMA/3551853-Im-30-years-sober-today-Ask-me-anything

Phone your GP and ask for help & support.

Hi there, thank you so much for your reply, and well done on 353 (354?) days - that's a big number and a breath away from a year!! Will you treat yourself on that big milestone?

I listened to Catherine Gray's book last year (and recognised far too much of myself in it) and again a couple of weeks ago. I also ordered her journal, which has been sitting on my bedside locker, waiting for day 1.

I called the GP and made an appointment for next week. This GP is the one who kept prodding at me about my drinking until gradually I realised it was a problem. I think she finds me a bit difficult but I like her and don't want to talk to anyone else, so I have to wait a week to speak with her.

I cracked and went to the shop yesterday evening on the promise that I would get some junk food and no booze, but I was kidding myself. I had a bottle of red, just the one, and barely got a buzz off it. Luckily it was too late or I would have driven back to the shop.

I spent hours reading over that post and others, thank you. It's true that without booze we sparkle more and I'm sorry you have to see that sparkle dulled in your relatives. I see the same in some of my close family members, and in the mirror. It's a waste.

Don’t beat yourself up about going to the shop. You’ve made a huge step in booking to speak to the Dr so well done you!
Ahh what would I buy myself to celebrate a year?! I have no clue but I do now treat myself often -new earrings, expensive candle, new yoga mat-stuff I wouldn’t have shelled out for in the past because my wine habit left me so skint. DH still drinks, not as much or as often, I used to be secretly glugging a can of his in the kitchen before my precious wine ran out then tell him he’d drank more than he thought so I can relate to a bottle not being enough.
I used to have a very early shower and wash my hair, leaving it wet, to avoid the temptation of going out to the shop, or have a long bath and very early night with a book. You will be able to find something that works for you.
I hope the Dr is nice and supportive and you are able to get to where you want to be so that what you see in the mirror is a happier version of yourself.

How is it going? I hope you are doing well?
Stumbled on your thread this morning.

I'm early days like you. Infact today Is day 1. I have finally admitted I have a problem to my husband today and I feel ashamed and disgusted with myself for getting into this situation.

I was thinking I was just going to drink at weekends, but I'm seriously starting to think I need to completely cut it. I just feel really sad.

@Oldhabitsarehardtobreak

Don’t beat yourself up about going to the shop. You’ve made a huge step in booking to speak to the Dr so well done you! Ahh what would I buy myself to celebrate a year?! I have no clue but I do now treat myself often -new earrings, expensive candle, new yoga mat-stuff I wouldn’t have shelled out for in the past because my wine habit left me so skint. DH still drinks, not as much or as often, I used to be secretly glugging a can of his in the kitchen before my precious wine ran out then tell him he’d drank more than he thought so I can relate to a bottle not being enough. I used to have a very early shower and wash my hair, leaving it wet, to avoid the temptation of going out to the shop, or have a long bath and very early night with a book. You will be able to find something that works for you. I hope the Dr is nice and supportive and you are able to get to where you want to be so that what you see in the mirror is a happier version of yourself.

The appointment is the day after tomorrow, I'm feeling ready to give it my best shot. I found a gym in the next town and will sign up for a 6 week "get fit" challenge with them, starting after the detox, with two evening classes per week. In a few weeks, I will sign up for a fashion design course which will take up another two evenings. For the remainder, I'm liking your idea of the early showers and hair-washing! I used to love a proper beauty session in the evening, haven't done so for years... Glad to hear you're enjoying regular little treats and that the extra funds aren't just vanishing unnoticed. It gives more hope!!

@goingslightlyinsane

How is it going? I hope you are doing well? Stumbled on your thread this morning.

I'm early days like you. Infact today Is day 1. I have finally admitted I have a problem to my husband today and I feel ashamed and disgusted with myself for getting into this situation.

I was thinking I was just going to drink at weekends, but I'm seriously starting to think I need to completely cut it. I just feel really sad.

Hey there, congratulations on day 1!! I'm still not there yet but only had one glass of wine this evening (that's all that was left). I know what you mean when you say you feel shame and disgust but you can also feel strong in your decision to combat the issue immediately now that you are fully aware of it. I know there are some people who can moderate successfully but I think it is rarer to go from excess to moderation and stay that way. Try cutting it out, read the quit lit, especially the book recommended above by Oldhabitsarehardtobreak. Quitting doesn't have to be a sad thing. It's a decision to be fitter, slimmer, more energetic, happier, healthier, and so on!!

I managed to have my first full 24 hours without alcohol since I don't know when... and now I'm writing here to try to distract myself from a godawful craving. My partner stayed with me the last two nights and we shared a bottle of prosecco together the first night. However, I've been so bad lately that I ended up in the emergency department twice this week - on Sunday night and Tuesday night. I explained everything to him and he understood that that has to be the last bottle of prosecco we'll share. I missed the appointment with the GP and can't afford to book another until next week but I'm more than determined now. I just have to get through today, and tomorrow, and every day after that.

Well done!!

It's a huge achievement and I hope you feel really proud of yourself.

I've clocked up 247 dry days now and the first 30 were the hardest. I know Annie Grace has a 30 day challenge if you feel like you'd benefit and there's an active Facebook group you can join.

Ignore your family, focus on what you want out of your life and they'll soon realise you're determined.

You sound determined but your partner doesn't sound very supportive if he's sharing booze with you.

@MotherTruckerr

Well done!!

It's a huge achievement and I hope you feel really proud of yourself.

I've clocked up 247 dry days now and the first 30 were the hardest. I know Annie Grace has a 30 day challenge if you feel like you'd benefit and there's an active Facebook group you can join.

Ignore your family, focus on what you want out of your life and they'll soon realise you're determined.

Well done on 247 days, that seems like such an enormous number from this end!! I will look up the Annie Grace challenge and see what it's about, thank you.

The family part is hard, as alcohol is part and central to a lot of our gatherings. My aunt is turning 80 this weekend and the plan is to meet in the pub before going to Mass. She's my godmother so I can't bail but I will try to find an excuse to miss the pub part and I have already offered lifts to anyone who wants.

I hope you are enjoying your 247th day free of this venom.

@husbandcallsmepickle

You sound determined but your partner doesn't sound very supportive if he's sharing booze with you.

On the contrary, he is being incredibly supportive; he just didn't know fully what was going on before this week's events. I'm as loopy, I can barely believe he didn't make a break for the door!

Instead, he didn't tell me about the second bottle of prosecco he had in the car and he's offered to chaperone me by phone when I'm in the supermarket to make it easier to skip the alcohol section. And a few other things. I'm lucky and I want to be well for him.

This thread is turning into a bit of an accountability diary for me. I know there is an abstinence thread, which I will join if I can get through this weekend.

Yesterday evening was tough. First evening unaccompanied since coming out of the hospital, so I drove to my parents for dinner, where my dad offered me zero beer and got quite drunk himself. After dinner is usually where I sit with his partner for the third bottle of wine between us before she heads to bed and I keep drinking to beyond blackout. I had planned on staying later but I felt queasy and was aching for a drink so I left and drove home. En route, I came to within a hair's breadth of turning into a random Lidl to grab a couple of bottles of wine - had the indicator on and everything - but drove on. By the time I reached my town, all the shops were closed. The plan actually worked!

I woke up at 3am from a nightmare. I'd forgotten about them. Now I have to make a plan for today. I feel awful. Fuzzy head, ringing ears, sick stomach, weak. All my joints hurt. I think I can sense the initial stages of an iui. It's like my body was being held together by the booze and now, after only two days without, it's falling apart.

Whoops, meant to say UTI. Definitely not getting an IUI right now

Just try today, hour by hour not to drink. Just get through today.
I don't think your body was being held together by booze OP, I think it was broken by booze, and two days free (well done, first few days are tough) from the booze has enabled your body to start to slowly repair. You feel worse before you feel better, but you've done the hardest bit. I felt awful for the first week, then slowly but surely started to improve.

Spoil yourself. Distract yourself. Lots of nice food, rests, treats, anything you can do will help and keep posting. Drink loads of water, helps your body to flush out the toxins.

Just one day at a time. It's hard, very hard. We'll hold your hand.

Soph

@SophieB100

Just try today, hour by hour not to drink. Just get through today. I don't think your body was being held together by booze OP, I think it was broken by booze, and two days free (well done, first few days are tough) from the booze has enabled your body to start to slowly repair. You feel worse before you feel better, but you've done the hardest bit. I felt awful for the first week, then slowly but surely started to improve.

Spoil yourself. Distract yourself. Lots of nice food, rests, treats, anything you can do will help and keep posting. Drink loads of water, helps your body to flush out the toxins.

Just one day at a time. It's hard, very hard. We'll hold your hand.

Soph

Thank you so much. I actually teared up reading your post. I'm very wobbly!

The UTI has kept me housebound today, and I'm still feeling shattered and weak. I've only been out to tend to my chickens and then straight back to bed to read and watch the hot guy in Bridgerton. The good thing about this is it has provided me with a real excuse to miss the 80th birthday tomorrow. I feel bad, but I will take my aunt for tea when I'm better.

The cravings are immense. I think if I wasn't feeling so ill, I might have caved hours ago.

I spoke with my GP on Friday evening and she linked me in with the community addiction services. They said they'll call me on Monday morning. I want to be able to tell them I got through the weekend without drinking.

I've never been a drinker but just wanted to say that you sound like an incredibly brave person to me.
You also write beautifully. I think you should journal your path to recovery and make it into a book. Your honesty is so touching. I have been so moved by all your stories. Good luck to each and every one of you.

Aw bless you, hopefully you are on antibiotics for the UTI? They should kick in soon if you are. Eat something sweet, chocolate, sweets, cakes, biscuits, sugary tea...You're missing a lot of sugar from the booze, and that can cause cravings to be worse. Yes, you can treat your aunt when you're better, something for you both to look forward to. Remember cravings are just thoughts, you control your thoughts, you don't have to act on them, just let them come and go. They can be overwhelmingly, but try your best to ride them out, takes about 10 minutes for them to pass.

You are doing really well, you really are. It will get easier, right now you're in the middle of the storm, but it will be better soon.

Look after yourself like you would your best friend OP. You've got this. You're stronger than you think. Running out of cliches now...but I mean every word.
It does get easier, I promise.
One day at a time.
Soph

And well done on the practical stuff like reaching out to the addiction services team. Don't worry about that now though, just focus on going to sleep sober tonight. I'll check in tomorrow, and there's loads of support here to help you tackle tomorrow when it gets here.

You sound pretty amazing - well done for getting started on will power alone.

I haven’t had the same issues with the drink, but for other things a mantra i return to is “if you’ll break it for a big reason, sooner or later you’ll break it for a small one.” i.e. if you break your sobriety and road to good health for a loved one’s important birthday, or Christmas, or a work promotion etc, sooner or later you’ll break it because it’s Thursday and you had a hard day at work. Don’t let those things control you, you are the only one who can do that and it sounds like you’ve made a stonking start.

It is hard, and take all the help you can get, professional and friends - there are no prizes for taking the hardest path. Good luck!

I think you’re amazing. That evening with the drive home and nearly stopping at lidl sounded so tough and you made it home. Well done

@Dumbitdown - sorry to hear you haven’t been too good but maybe a blessing in disguise missing the social event? I honestly couldn’t have contemplated going AF whilst going out, I have lockdown to thank for my successful start. I’m glad you spoke to the GP, I hope you find good support with the community addiction service. You’ve done the hardest part -admitting an issue and reaching out for support, not turning in to Lidl was amazing!

@goingslightlyinsane -how is it going? Please don’t feel ashamed, it’s good that you have opened up to your husband, I hope he is able to give you lots of support.

@MotherTruckerr I agree, the first month is the hardest! Well done on so long AF.

It is definitely one day at a time in the early days.

I hibernated the first month!

In a duvet, eating Moams and sipping on Lemsips...it actually made me feel more resolved because I was ridding my poor body of a poison.
Treat it like you're convalescing, you've got Long Hangover or something!

@Dumbitdown
How you doing today?
Soph

Good morning. Thank you Soph for checking in and thank you all for your lovely messages.

I'm ashamed to say the wagon went on without me yesterday.

I was feeling the need to get out in the morning so decided to go to a craft market in a pretty country town about an hour from where I live. When I arrived, the place was swarming and I felt such nerves walking through it that I couldn't stop at any of the stalls. It was located at a beautiful country house so I thought I would walk the grounds for a bit but ended up beelining it straight back to the car. I was still strung with nerves and felt a bit floaty. On the return trip, the wino in me used a well-worn mental trick to stop at the supermarket for milk and fruit. It could have waited.

I ignored the willpower chatter and added a bottle of wine and a cider to the basket before heading to the checkout. I went out again later and got a second bottle of wine, much as I promised myself I wouldn't. I really let myself down and it's hard to admit but it has to be warts and all from now on.

You tried to do something positive.
Well done from that.
It was a step too far right now. You were too fragile and anxious. But you have learnt something from the experience.
Forgive yourself. Your honesty is still refreshing. You are in no way self-deluded. I think that's a very good sign. Please reach out for any help available, this must be so hard on your own. Look after yourself.