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Alcohol support
Is hiding booze always a bad sign?
DearTeddyRobinson · 11/04/2021 19:13
My H is a heavy drinker which has pushed our marriage to breaking point. He finally admitted last week at our first marriage counselling session that he's been drinking a bit too much of late (totally minimising it but more than he's ever admitted before).
Anyway earlier this evening I was rummaging around in the loft/eaves (we have a loft conversion so storage is basically small cupboards in the eaves), looking for jumpers.
Found a can of beer hidden on a shelf. The kind H drinks (Punk IPA). I've found cans in the bin in that bedroom before but just assumed he'd taken them up with him. He often sleeps up there as he snores really badly when he's been drinking, so I have no idea what time he goes to bed, or what state he's in.
Why would he hide beer up there? He usually keeps it in the fridge and I have long since given up asking him how much he's had to drink. So he could keep all he wanted in the fridge.
Is this the same mentality as hiding vodka in the toilet cistern, per my totally uninformed assumptions about alcoholics?
Or is it just a can he'd left to chill or whatever? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?
Veryverycalmnow · 11/04/2021 19:27
Could he have taken it upstairs to save his legs? Then not bothered to drink it? Sounds fairly unlikely given the rest of your post though. I'd ask him about it.
worried3012 · 11/04/2021 19:54
My dad hides alcohol from my mum but I think that's because she is controlling and likes to control what he drinks at dinner. That said, even if minor, I do think he has a problem.
FrankieDettol · 13/04/2021 15:40
I'd imagine he's hidden it up there if he sleeps up there a lot. So he knows he has a can he can easily get to. You may think you know how much he drinks as there is beer in the fridge. There might also be a whole second course of drinks that he has once he's in the loft at bedtime.
But of course that's just an assumption I've made. The only person who really knows is him.
Bluntness100 · 13/04/2021 15:41
If it’s just one can I’d not consider it hiding it, more he’s sat it up there intending to drink it and left it.
If my husband left a can of beer beside the bed I’d not think he was hiding it,
Bluntness100 · 13/04/2021 15:42
@FrankieDettol
But of course that's just an assumption I've made. The only person who really knows is him.
Really big assumption too
sleepyhead · 13/04/2021 15:45
Yes, I would say hiding drink is always a bad sign. It's a stretch to think that a single can of beer would somehow get left inside a cupboard by accident.
The only reason to hide drink (unless you're trying to hide it from an alcoholic who would otherwise drink it - in which case still a whole set of red flag problems) is to pretend you're drinking less than you do.
fedup078 · 13/04/2021 15:57
Hard to tell if he's actually meant to hide it
My stbxh left booze all over the house but also drank far too much openly so hard to tell of it was an attempt to hide it or he'd just taken it somewhere else in the house and left it there
I knew he had a massive problem wether he was hiding booze or not
FrankieDettol · 13/04/2021 16:22
Hence me saying that's my interpretation and the only person who really knows is him.
Bluntness100 · 13/04/2021 16:23
It’s one can sitting on a shelf. I think folks need to remember that. It’s not a litre of vodka in the cistern.
sleepyhead · 13/04/2021 16:30
@Bluntness100
On a shelf... in a cupboard. How very tidy of him.
Bluntness100 · 13/04/2021 16:31
On a shelf... in a cupboard. How very tidy of him
I’m really not getting your point but can read your sarcasm, it’s a tin of beer.
I know people get hysterical about alcohol on here, but really, it’s one tin of beer.
sleepyhead · 13/04/2021 16:37
@Bluntness100
I’m really not getting your point but can read your sarcasm, it’s a tin of beer.
I know people get hysterical about alcohol on here, but really, it’s one tin of beer.
That he's hidden.
It's just one, but that's not normal. No-one who doesn't have an alcohol problem hides alcohol. No-one. They just don't.
We don't hide other things in cupboards that we just happen to take upstairs with us. No-one leaves a coffee mug or a bag of crisps or a book in the cupboard under the eaves with the jumpers.
Yes, it's just one can, meh maybe he just wants a quiet life, maybe he'll progress to the vodka under the kitchen sink, but lets not pretend there's really any chance that it was a mistake.
GreyhoundG1rl · 13/04/2021 16:41
"To save his legs?" Seriously?
Does nobody else think it's a bit grim to be sitting in bed chugging cans of lager like Ralph C Nesbitt? It's not ok, it definitely indicates a problem with booze.
bambootle · 13/04/2021 16:58
@Bluntness100
I do get your point - about sometimes hysterical responses to alcohol responses on here too. But OP did start the thread with, "My H is a heavy drinker which has pushed our marriage to breaking point."
If it wasn't for this, I wouldn't think anything of one can of beer left lying about.
FrankieDettol · 13/04/2021 17:10
Also most people being 'hysterical' about booze have usually gravitated to the alcohol support threads for a good reason.
Sharonthecat · 13/04/2021 17:13
People who don't have a problem with alcohol don't hide alcohol. I know, as I used to hide alcohol - not litres of vodka in the toilet cistern, but I still hid it because I wanted to hide how much I was drinking.
DearTeddyRobinson · 13/04/2021 22:02
Thank you all and sorry for not getting back sooner. To clarify, it is more of a storage hole than a cupboard! You have to get down on hands and knees in a corner of the bedroom, behind a chair. There is no light in there, just a couple of vacuum bags of clothes (older DC's, waiting till younger DC grows into them).
So while one can of beer on its own is no big deal, it's just a very weird place to put anything food or drink wise.
I know I sound hysterical, I'm really not uptight about booze in general I love wine but with H's drinking being bad anyway I suppose I was wondering or panicking if it had escalated. I guess I will try to look elsewhere in the house to see if he has any other stashes.
Not sure what I would do mind you.
Bluntness100 · 13/04/2021 22:04
Op honestly I couldn’t consider one can of beer a stash. I just couldn’t.
DearTeddyRobinson · 14/04/2021 09:25
Bluntness I agree with you. I suppose my concern is why hide it? Also to be fair I found one can but that may have been the last of 6 or something. I'm overthinking it I know but booze has taken on a disproportionate role in our failing marriage.
FrankieDettol · 14/04/2021 10:39
OP so this is just part of a bigger picture. It may be one can. It may be the last of a few.
What are the other issues with his drinking?
SciFiScream · 14/04/2021 10:46
I once found a bottle of gin my step mum had hid under the mattress.
I asked my Dad - "what's that lump in the mattress?"
Also used to find the bottles of gin in the bushes near the house.
I think it's really odd OP. Really odd. It might have been the last one after he's drunk 5.
I think it's hidden and not a good sign. Said as the step child of an alcoholic.
DearTeddyRobinson · 14/04/2021 12:27
Thank you @SciFiScream. Sorry you had to go through that.
@FrankieDettol the other issues are pretty simple really. He binge drinks, alone, then is totally out of commission the next day. This happens a couple of times a month, on average. So I'm left to sort kids etc, we don't get meaningful family time, he's hungover so wants a takeaway or McDs when I'm trying to feed the kids healthy (ish) food. He's missed various appointments due to being hungover, missed the Dcs opening Christmas presents etc. Was so hungover the morning of his parents wedding anniversary party he was throwing up etc. And it means, selfishly, that i can't/don't dare to go out and let my hair down once in a while as he wouldn't pick up the slack if I was under the weather. Which I know isn't a big deal but it's not fair!
He's a good partner and father when he's not drinking but I just can't bear this any more 
Plumtree391 · 14/04/2021 12:49
Yes it is a bad sign if there is a lot of it or empty bottles stashed away. I went through a drinking phase many years ago and tried to hide it.
People often try to hide it from themselves, only when faced with the empty bottles do they face up to how much they drink and that is frightening.
It isn't an insurmountable problem, boozing can be given up and not all heavy drinkers are alcoholics.
FrankieDettol · 14/04/2021 13:03
OP first thing to point out is you aren't selfish to want support, a break and a partner who takes equal responsibility for parenting. Whether he is an alcoholic or a problem drinker or any other name really isn't the important part here, what is important is his drinking is infringing on your relationship and his ability to parent.
But as is so often said in posts like these, you can't make him change, only he can do it. And the likelihood of that happening will depend on how he is impacted. So when he just bows out of life with his hangover, misses appointments or events, what happens? Do you pick up the slack and make excuses for him? I imagine you do, I certainly used to.
Until he starts to see what him missing things and not supporting you is doing to your relationship then he has no reason to change.
You sound like you've got to the end of your rope. So it's time to let him know what he is doing to how you feel about him. Then he either changes or he doesn't but the ball is back in your court to decide if that's how you want the rest of your life to look.
fedup078 · 14/04/2021 16:21
I wouldnt give too much head space to hiding booze as if he's anything like mine he will just lie and bullishit his way out of it. You already know he has a problem with or without this evidence
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