Sat here drinking vodka at 8am

[Crazycakelady17]

I know it’s not normal and I have a history of alcohol abuse I have managed to curtail this from drinking 3 bottles of wine/bottle of vodka a day to just drinking a few on the weekend it was hard but I did it with support from alcohol support services.
What started that patten and reliance was reporting my abuser (csa) to the police and going through a court case it was my way of self medicating and coping.
I have been in therapy with my psychologist for 14 months and we started EMDR in January revisiting and processing the trauma I have been doing okay with this a few wobbles but 2 weeks ago I had a horrific dream I was being abused and I was enjoying it and since then I have really struggled I have been avoiding sleep in case it happens again I have gone back to self harm something I haven’t done for over a year and in a intimate place not good but the worst thing is I have started drinking to numb/block the dream and the memories I feel like I’m back at square one realistically I know I’m.l not I’m not in denial and also am reaching out to my mental health team so they know everything.
I need some reassurance that I can stop this before it becomes too engrained and a habit ...

You absolutely can stop. Can you attend an AA meeting online to give you some support? I really feel for you and I have a friend who is going through similar and for similar reasons. Also do you need medical attention? If so get that sorted out ASAP. You can do it and sending hugs

Thank you alittlebit; I have been accessing AA for about 3 years obviously this last year has been online to be honest I don’t feel online is too good for me but then again because I have been in control for so long maybe I felt overconfident I have one on Thursday my regular one but I’m sure there is one I can join that’s sooner
I knew what I was doing when I did the Uber eats order at 7am
Thanks for replying I think in posting this thread it’s my conscience telling me I need to stop
I am having a visit from my mental
Health team this afternoon so can talk it over face to face they not alcohol specialist but maybe if we try and fix that he underlying issue that will help the alcohol abuse

No advice but that dream sounds horrific well done for getting help though and I hope things get easier for you

You can definitely stop this. As PP said reach out the support network that you have. Sending you lots of virtual support and I really hope you find the strength and peace that you need xxx

Sorry just realised MH team are visiting this afternoon. Well done on sorting that, I hope it goes well

Thanks for the replies the lady is coming at 12.30 so just under a hour to go. It’s difficult as I haven’t been intimate with my husband for over 18 months and before that it was sporadic the only time I actually initiated anything was when we tried for our DC especially our DD as we suffered a stillborn and then 3 years of infertility to get that pregnancy.
I think what I need to concentrate on is the stopping abusing/using alcohol and also the self harm of that area

Omg I have just told my husband that I have been cutting “there” and be cried I have never seen him cry even when we lost our daughter to still birth or the loss of friends in war (he’s ex army) and we had close connections to two of them I feel so bad now

It sounds like you have both been through an awful lot, it would drive many ppl to drink! You’re not running away from this though, you’re trying to get better and I really admire that.

@Crazycakelady17, how are you doing? I cut drink out completely just before I reported my abuser. I too have had some really awful dreams. One dream upset me for ages. I thought I was going crazy. I wanted to let you know that you’re not alone. If you haven’t already, I’d suggest joining Havoca.

Hi @Thermalpants I’m still here had a bit more of a settled week if that can be such a thing seen my psychologist on Tuesday we have paused the EMDR therapy for the moment till I can work through this “blip”,also met my new mental health nurse she seems really nice so that’s took a weight off my shoulders
So sorry you have been through the same and well done on reporting your abuser it’s a really hard step to take.
I have still been drinking but avoiding the spirits so that’s a bonus. I have had some zopiclone off the GP and some antibiotics as my cuts have become infected.

I’m glad to hear you’re more settled and have a supportive mental health nurse. You just need to process everything at your own pace. You will get there. Keep your chin up and keep moving forward.

@Crazycakelady17 really glad to hear you are more settled. I’ve been checking back every day and thinking of you. Great advice from @Thermalpants about processing things at your own pace. Mind yourself x

@Watchingthetelly that’s lovely of you to say it makes me not feel all alone,
We went round my sisters for a bbq and drinks last night I wasn’t going to go but thought sod it I went drank one bottle of wine was home for 11pm but it did me the world of good no bad thoughts just good company cuddles off my baby nephew I feel almost normal

It’s amazing how a lovely meal with good company can transform how you feel! Happy to hear you had such a lovely time 😊

I’m totally devastated I haven’t touched a drop since Saturday but fell asleep on the sofa tonight and had that horrific nightmare again about being sexually aroused whilst I was being raped/abused as a little girl, I did what my psychologist told me
To do and ring up the pit of hours mental
Health team she was so condescending and was like it was only a dream not real it really sent me over the edge I ended up cutting the intimate part of me again she kept ringing so I answered and told her what I had done this was all sober by the way she freaked out said she’s phoning a ambulance,
What for a cut less than 1/4cm on a yes a very intimate part but a very small cut less than 10p blood,
Then I had ambulance phoning me so spoke to them they agreed not a ambulance job but have arranged for a mental health nurse to call me.
So I felt upset but okay but 5 mins later I had a police officer banging on my door where is the blades show me the knife 😞 I was like what you on about they said they had a report of me
With knifes hurting myself, I used one slither from a razor that you shave with
The police was here less than 5 mins he said it’s a waste of time etc but a report will be going into children’s services imagine that report “crazy cake lady brandishing blades” when it was a tiny cut made 45 mins earlier with a razor blade less than 10thcm
But you know what this has all thrown me and it’s really messed with my head want a drink so bad just to calm down/numb

How more heartbreaking can you get from that she’s 11 years old still at primary school
I really have tried to hide it from the kids my boys are 19,16 so understand more but even them I have really hid stuff I feel
Like the worlds worst mum and not much more can say to that

is there another adult in the house?

Yes my husband of 20 years I’m sober but mentally fragile I didn’t need all that just some one to speak to like I have many many many times on the helpline it’s in my care plan to do so

You sound so brave. You can do this and you are a good and loving mum. Sending you lots of love x

OP your post is really concerning.

Is your DH awake & with you?

I think you can see that the nurse had to call help for you. This was not a minor situation.

In the morning, please access more support. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Equally, it's clear your alcohol issues are not under control & I hope you can get help from your team.

Have you someone with you now? Your text from your DD is very upsetting. 💐

My DH is sat up with me he’s already called in for tomorrow l, I engaged with the mental health nurse who called me not very long ago it’s such a sad situation.
I know it’s a sad awful message from my DD o wish I could magic it all better sadly mental health doesn’t work like that.
Yes my drinking is a issue but it’s secondary to my mental health and know I feel let down by a fundamental part of my team that’s in my care plan I’m going try snooze now till school get up just hope no more dream 🙏

That's good OP I'm glad your DH is with you.

Good luck tomorrow. Hopefully you can get support. Well done for reaching out. 💐

How are you now OP?

Just to say you sound very brave
Please keep posting here there are many good people and great advice on here

Sending you lots of good wishes

You totally can do this
Sadly many of us have been in your shoes and have made it out ok

Sorry you have been through so much

Jesus OP what a lot of stress generated from your trying to get some reassurance... not what you needed... I feel services could have handled the situation with more thought.

I really hope you and your family are ok this evening.

You have been through trauma. You are working to try to find some reconciliation and peace within yourself. You are doing great.