Sat here drinking vodka at 8am

[Crazycakelady17]

I know it’s not normal and I have a history of alcohol abuse I have managed to curtail this from drinking 3 bottles of wine/bottle of vodka a day to just drinking a few on the weekend it was hard but I did it with support from alcohol support services.
What started that patten and reliance was reporting my abuser (csa) to the police and going through a court case it was my way of self medicating and coping.
I have been in therapy with my psychologist for 14 months and we started EMDR in January revisiting and processing the trauma I have been doing okay with this a few wobbles but 2 weeks ago I had a horrific dream I was being abused and I was enjoying it and since then I have really struggled I have been avoiding sleep in case it happens again I have gone back to self harm something I haven’t done for over a year and in a intimate place not good but the worst thing is I have started drinking to numb/block the dream and the memories I feel like I’m back at square one realistically I know I’m.l not I’m not in denial and also am reaching out to my mental health team so they know everything.
I need some reassurance that I can stop this before it becomes too engrained and a habit ...

Thanks for the replies,
I have had daily contact with my CMHT care coordinator and my husband has compressed his hours to a four day week and has has taken this week off he’s so wonderfully supportive
I don’t know why he puts up with me we haven’t been intimate in a long time and he never pressures me he works so hard for our family as I can’t work at the moment due to my issues.
I still haven’t been sleeping but haven’t had a drink since Tuesday evening that’s a start i guess.
I also reached out to the alcohol support services I have a key worker and she was great when I spoke to her today and got me in for a face to face for the beginning of may.
I have also spoke to my little girls school they have been fantastic since the trial and they really do care I have had email contact with her pastoral lead for ks2 and she said she seems her happy go lucky self she has been taking her to one side to have a check in and all she wants to talk about is her horse riding and gymnastics I know she was upset the other evening it’s awful guilt
I think it’s going to be a long road but I have the right support it’s just a matter of hanging on especially through the dark hard times

I’m sorry it’s been so stressful seeking help. You’re working incredibly hard to process some deeply ingrained trauma and it IS hard work. The dream experience of ‘enjoying’ the abuse only says your body was responding how bodies are designed to respond; this can happen in a completely involuntary way ie regardless of whether it’s a dream or real life contact with an abuser. It does not mean you colluded with the abuse. The EMDR is likely bringing up both memories and your own thoughts and feelings about what happened to you. Pausing it for now may help give you time to process.

Using alcohol or any other drug to try to manage the pain of trauma is both understandable and usual - many people who have suffered your experiences in childhood have difficult relationships with alcohol. The fact you are tackling your alcohol use is an act of bravery and self-care. You really are amazing! This is hard work but you can get to where you want to be.

OP I just wanted to say well done for seeking help. It's a really tough place for you but you sound amazing.

Also - please don't feel guilty. Your DD sounds like she's doing very well & you are doing what you can to get help.

💐

Just thought I would update this haven’t had a drink for a week now still feeling really all
Over the place and not in a good place mentally but small steps I suppose ..

Well done for staying sober despite your emotions. Alcohol won't help them. Are you going to see a counsellor?

@Hohofortherobbers I’m currently seeing a psychologist once a week and am under cominity mental health team and have a named mental health nurse I see every two weeks.
I’m also under alcohol support services for face to face appointment with them first week of may and had phone appointment last week
So thankfully I have a fair bit of support it’s still hard work though but I’m grateful I do have the support one step at a time I guess

Good you've got the support, I wish you well. Again, a huge well done on not picking up a drink.

Hey OP just wanted to say a huge well done for abstaining despite feeling unwell You should be proud of yourself. It doesn't sound like you've had an easy time of it at all but I truly admire your resilience. I hope the sessions with the psychologist and mental health nurse help.

Glad to hear your update OP. I hope you continue to get the support you need. 💐

I just wanted to reach out well done on not drinking. I'm really sorry you're having such a shit time. I think you're amazingly brave and show so much resilience

Thought I would update now 4 weeks 2 days alcohol free still up and down with mental
Health a crisis two weeks ago but didn’t turn to the usual choice of coping strategies

That’s very impressive crazycake - well done! You’re on the journey now 💛

Well done, you’re doing great and should be very proud of yourself

Well done OP. I know it's hard but that's a great update ❤️