Asking for a hand hold day 1 today

[Alfiemoon1]

I never used to drink much before until me and dh went through a bad patch about 4 years ago we resolved things and I cut down until about a year ago when dd now 19 started self harming as she was and still is in a controlling abusive relationship I can’t get her to see sense so my drinking has crept up again

I need to stop I am an awful drunk I say things and text things I shouldn’t to my dd I mean well I am trying to make her see sense trying to explain how her boyfriends behaviour is controlling but it’s obviously having to opposite affect and making them closer. I just can’t seem to not react to things I see on their social media when I’ve been drinking

I have been prescribed sertraline for the anxiety it’s causing but haven’t taken them as I’ve been self medicating with alcohol

So before I hit my rock bottom and totally lose my relationship with dd today is going to be my day 1 af I know I am going to quite rightly be flamed and I thoroughly deserve it but I am trying to put it right so asking for a hand hold

Well done you for taking the first step in the right direction. Can I join you on your journey? I'm not ready to go af I'm slowly weaning myself off for fear of withdrawal symptoms, I'm down to less than a bottle of low alcohol wine a night-too much I know but it's a lot better than where I was. I'm here for a hand hold, you can do this x

And no you don't deserve to be flamed, there are some really lovely supportive people on this board

Yeah I am scared of withdrawal symptoms but I can’t seem to moderate its usually a bottle of wine a night sometimes then a few cans of gin and tonic. I then punish myself the following day by not eating a lot for fear of being sick I never am as I’ve been drinking that amount for about a year now

Thank you for being kind it’s such an awful situation with dd but I need to not react as it’s playing in to his hands and pushing her further away

I get anxious when I don’t drink so end up saying I will just have a little to settle it and before I know it the whole bottle has gone

I'm so sorry you're having a hard time with your daughter, it's such a hard age. I can fully sympathise with feeling like a drink will help, I feel like that too but I know deep down it won't it's just hard to step away x

She’s just got involved with someone with a lot of issues. She’s lost most of her friends as he won’t allow her to go out without him accuses her of cheating when she messages lads on her course about course work. When they last broke up she said he was pressuring her to move in with him and she didn’t want to the usual if you loved me you would they obviously got back together and she has moved in with him me and dh found out via Facebook so after drinking I text can she afford to pay for both accommodations he doesn’t work so has he notified dwp etc she’s living there so she takes offence and it’s me being nasty it wasn’t it was factual but I really need to learn to just ignore it as she then doesn’t speak to me for weeks

Really difficult as she’s tells me what he’s like when they break up then gets back with him expecting me to forget everything and be happy for her. I currently have no idea where she lives dh asked and she said the boyfriend doesn’t want us to know so she refused to tell us which again I reacted to by saying that’s really rude we should know where she lives. We are still financing her as she’s a student car insurance mobile bill money for food yet we can’t even know where she lives these days but that has resulted in her not coming to see us so I need to learn not to react which I find more difficult after a drink and because she knows I drink she accuses me of sending drunk messages I would like to send them sober but i know the reaction I get from her so don’t bother

Wow @Alfiemoon1, what a difficult and upsetting situation for you! I'm sorry you're going through that. I understand it must be so hard not to react and send messages to your daughter. And maybe you shouldn't be trying to turn a blind eye anyway.
I'm not a mum of a teenager yet so not feeling qualified to advise you fully. But as far as the drinking side of it goes- well done on getting through Day 1 amidst all the stress!!! If you keep off it, i reckon it could make a big difference to your communications with your daughter. You will be able to think through what you say to her rationally. And if she knows you're not drinking, she may begin to take it in and see that your comments come from concern and love for her. It's certainly worth a try! It does feel like alcohol makes these things easier to cope with, but in reality, the opposite is true.
You know the situation with your daughter is a drinking trigger for you, so try to have in place some other de-stressing things you can fall back on, e.g. a walk or a bath or a coffee or your hubby or whatever it is that you can go to instead of a drink when it feels too much. Could you take a step back from your daughter's social media, for your own sanity? I know that may be very difficult if it's your only way to see what's going on with her.
With the Sertraline, i would just be a little cautious. Without the alcohol it may be worth a try to ease your anxiety. Setraline is known to help with persistent ruminating thoughts, going round in circles. But it does sound like your anxiety is quite an understandable reaction to what's happening there, rather than being a diagnosis of anxiety as such. Stopping drinking for a few weeks may serve to lower your anxiety itself.
I went through a period of ruminating anxiety and was prescribed Setraline. I was drinking at the time so i waited till i managed to stop and then took the Sertraline. It seemed to help initially, but looking back, i think it was the quitting alcohol that really helped. My anxiety also stemmed from a specific on going situation, and i found the medication hadn't much effect while the original problem remained. So i stopped taking it after 5 months. It may be different for you, but just weigh it up.
As for getting flamed, definitely not! You're very brave to face up to your drinking with all you have going on. One day at a time.

How are you op, how was last night?

Nearly caved in as felt anxious and it’s a habit felt a bit like I didn’t know what to do with myself as I usually sit and have a drink so I had a bath and went to bed didn’t sleep very well though but day 1 done

Oh well done you for not caving, you've proved you can do it now!! Just a thought re your daughter-women's aid have lots of really good advice/information on their website about supporting women in your daughters situation, may be worth a look

Thanks I will have a look at it. As we have all tried talking to her and she’s having none of it.

Well done on getting through day one - one day at a time.

Re your daughter - you could also suggest she looks at the freedom programme. But other than passing info through to her, and touching base to let her know you are here for her - can you step back a bit from her to focus on yourself for a month or so? It doesn’t sound like she’s ready to change quite yet and you can’t change her - only she can. It may be that If she’s left alone a bit to think about it, she will come to realise her situation faster.

It really feels to me you need to concentrate your energy on yourself right now - and if you do, you will be in a better position to support your daughter when she does start to want change.

Well done on getting through your day one @Alfiemoon1 . How are you now?

Had a lovely day for my mums birthday met in the garden and we arranged so afternoon teas from a local company. Dd came for a bit before work she’s lost weight which is concerning as she like me is naturally slim she’s was actually a bit bigger than me with a lovely size 8 figure I didn’t mention it so not to upset her

It’s dh night off tonight so he bought some beer and me a bottle of wine as I haven’t mentioned it to him he’s been drinking and I haven’t he never questioned it so day 2 nearly done phew once again my stomach started getting in knots around 8.30 pm when it’s usually wine o clock been watching crap tv to try and distract myself

Seriously well done @Alfiemoon1 , that's amazing. Not opening that wine shows what strength you have and how determined you must be. Day three tomorrow which is awesome 👏

Also, can you tell your DH? It might help?

And, watching crap TV and having early nights is what got me through the initial days of being sober. I am now familiar with almost all of the Real Housewives of every franchise.....

Oh that must have been difficult being bought wine. Super well done resisting it! Don't you feel comfortable telling your hubby you're not drinking? Glad you had a good day with your mum and good you saw your daughter. Keep it up!

I really appreciate everyone’s support I expected to be flamed for giving my reasons for wanting to quit my messages to dd aren’t abusive but I do need to learn not to react another of my not so finer moment is when dd who works local to us finished a shift we had tea and my sisters with her similar age cousin who dd has discussed her relationship with and they have been honest about their opinion to her around 9 pm she starts getting stressy about driving back to university we all suggested as it was cold and icy she was tired she drove back in the morning she came home went straight to bed and to sleep my sister text me asking if she stayed at home and she needs to get rid of that controlling arse and the cousin said she had been talking to dd and his behaviour is appalling

Fast forward a few hours I start getting abusive texts from the boyfriend who unbeknown to me was expecting her to pick him up she had told me they had split up so I didn’t know anything about it. Accusing me of holding her hostage in the house demanding photo proof she was ok as she wasn’t answering her phone. I refused said she was asleep had her phone and car keys and my front door doesn’t lock from the inside he then went off on some ramble that I am the problem I am so unhappy as dh husband wants to leave me ? Lol his mums house has been empty a year he could of gone there but is obviously quite happy. Everyone else likes him but me so I reacted and sent him my sisters and dd cousin text then blocking he did try to continue to contact me under a fake profile stupidly using the same one he contacted dd with claiming to be someone who Is really into him and going to steal her man if she doesn’t treat him better

I shouldn’t of engaged with him she went ballistic at me I was drunk again my messages were polite and coherent and she didn’t speak to my sister or cousin for ages because of it

The real housewives of Cheshire filmed at the yard we had dd horse they didn’t air it as the owners got cold feet but i saw their daughters invite to Hannah’s wedding

Going to bed day 2 being af missed having a drink with dh on is night off but I will prove to myself and dd I can do this

You're doing amazingly op you should be really proud of yourself for staying so strong, you've shown so much willpower

Not slept well the last few nights so feel rough this morning like having a hangover with out even having a drink lol. Wish I could have a lie in like dh who is still fast asleep but I just naturally wake up even on the weekend. Happy Easter everyone and thank you so much for your support

Oh I feel your pain, sleep is a nightmare! Happy Easter all, have a lovely day

Feeling a bit perkier now I’ve had a shower just expected to get the fresh as a daisy feeling everyone raves about when they stop drinking lol

Dh is working tonight so he isn’t drinking which makes it easier. Tired tonight so think I will have a bath and a bit of a pamper session and have an earlier night and hopefully sleep better