Think ex partner has serious liver disease

[BritInAus]

Hi all. My ex partner is an alcoholic. We split 9 months ago. We have one child, who resides with me full time due to safety issues/alcoholism.

I sense my ex is getting towards the pointy end in terms of their liver. They have recently turned yellow (eyes and more recently, face) and their belly is enormous and suggests ascites. Can barely walk. Lots of other symptoms - alcohol related neuropathy diagnosed 18 months ago. Multiple DUIs, hospitalisations, loss of job.

I am lucky to have wonderful friends, family and a therapist worth their weight in gold!

Two specific questions for anyone with experience in these areas:

1. What have you done to support your child when one of their parents is an alcoholic? My DD is only 6. I have bought/borrowed appropriated books, talked openly (but age appropriately), talked to her teachers, am considering asking my therapist to see her. Is there anything else I could do / shouldn't do / haven't thought of?

2. I know it's 'how long is a piece of string' - but does the ascites / jaundice suggest it's 'end stage' liver disease? Ex DP won't seek any medical help at all. Still deep in denial, sadly their parents are in denial too. Totally delusional and unhelpful. Do we realistically potentially have weeks / months / years left?! It's so hard to support my child without an actual diagnosis / idea of time potentially left.

Thanks in advance for your support. x

I can answer part 2 as I used to nurse on a liver unit. Yes ascites does suggest this I'm afraid. It will be advanced and his blood results would confirm that.It does sound like he needs hospitalisation. Has he anyone who may be able to influence him? How long? It won't be years but weeks months depends on many factors and you haven't told us age etc. Obviously a sixty year old man is going to decline faster than a 30 year old.

Thanks so much for your reply, @picknmix1984

Ex is 43. Female. Heavy drinker for entire adult life. Ridiculous levels the last 2 or so years. Liver scan a year ago exactly apparently fine. MELD score 18 months ago was 14, when last hospitalised.

Sadly their family members are all also alcoholics - some dry, some still drinking heavily, but all very much in denial. I've reached out to them lately to be told things like 'they just need friendship and support' - personally I think an ambulance is more critical at this point. I have reached out to their mother over the past few years - responses range from 'it's not that bad' to 'maybe they're just suffering after you left them' and even 'their skin is just adult acne, they just need a good moisturiser'. Very much head in the sand, sadly.

Ex has very few friends left, the only couple they speak to regularly have believed all the lies/haven't been involved enough to really see the truth, so it's easier for them to believe I'm choosing to make life difficult rather than so worried I'm losing sleep over the very real possibility of having to tell my 6 y/o their other parent is in hospital/dying/died in the near future and the effect this will have on her.

I have also contacted their GP via email, but understand they won't be able to contact me (nor do I expect them to). Short of calling an ambulance, I'm unsure of anything else I can do.
I've found it hard to find information on line about what to expect next.

Sorry I just assumed it was a him. Unfortunately you can't make someone have treatment as you're well aware. A school friend of my daughter lost his mum to this same condition/ issue a few years ago. He has continued to develop and thrive but obviously misses his mum. Your child has you so she will deal with this. There are organisations that support children through bereavement so perhaps they may be a good starting point.

Take care op 💐

I meant to add what happens depends upon blood results. Without treatment probably a sudden decline in consciousness at home but when - no one can tell you that.

I’m not sure how old your DC is op, but from a pastoral POV is school fully aware? There is slot they can put in place to support your child through the uncertainty and change. It will vary on each school and will be different for each age group, but will give your DC another safe place to talk and be heard. Sometimes just getting it out helps them to process what they are experiencing.
It’s shit. Sorry you are all going through this

Thank you so much for your kind words and advice @picknmix1984 good idea on a bereavement organisation.

Thanks so much, @IHateCoronavirus - yes, I spoke to my DD's teacher last week and also wrap around care club. I want her to be supported and also to know that it's not a shameful secret.

Have a look at Winstons wish. Excellent charity giving support for childhood bereavement including how to talk about imminent/forthcoming death.
Do you know if she’s still drinking?

Thanks @Fireweeds I shall have a look. Yes, appears to be continuing to drink heavily.

I have found NACOA very helpful. They are a charity for the children of alcoholics and have age appropriate advice for adults and children.

I'm sure this same situation is waiting for my children. Their dad hasn't seen them in a year, has no job, in and out of hospital and was drunk the last time they saw him.

Thanks @FrankieDettol and so sorry you have been / are in a similar situation. Very happy to chat (and would love to make contact with anyone who really gets this, as it isn't a common situation) if you (or anyone else reading) wants to send an inbox message.

Anyone else?

Does your wee one still see her mum at all? It’s difficult to know what’s best with a young child and a very physically changed parent.

Unfortunately the other thing I would be open to is the possibility of foetal alcohol syndrome in your daughter. Sorry to bring that up.

From what you are describing, even with medical help it sounds as if you’re looking at weeks to months rather than months to years I’m afraid, especially if she’s still drinking. You have my sympathy, it’s a dreadful situation to find yourself in.

Hi @Fireweeds don't be sorry. Fortunately I was the birth mother. So no worries about FAS.

Yes my DD still sees her, when I'm there. I'm happy for that to continue with a few boundaries in place (me supervising, DD has to want to see her, if XP is drunk we leave etc).

Yes, my gut feeling is she won't have years left. All very sad - this wasn't what I signed up for

@BritInAus sorry for late reply and that you’re going through all this. Left my alcoholic ex last year and have two young dc, so TOTALLY get your worries over how to make things easier on them, though we don’t yet have the added horror of liver damage, which must be awful. I’d love to know the answer to the dc issue. Feel like I’ve read everything I can get my hands on, spoken to a therapist etc, but still don’t know what’s for the best. I think the thing is your dd has you. You sound really strong and you are likely by far the biggest protective factor to her in all of this. I dread my kids getting to teen years and negotiating their first alcohol etc. It seems so unfair they have to cope with the risk they may be genetically more predisposed to addiction. I just hope they can be mature beyond their years about it or are lucky and haven’t inherited that. Hope your ex can accept the help. So tough for you.

Thanks so much, @AFitOfTheVapours Would love to chat via PM if you're happy to? It's so uncommon to 'meet' others in similar situations so would appreciate chatting.

Thanks again everyone for all the support.
My ex passed away this weekend.
Truly horrific telling my daughter.

Oh hell! I’m so sorry to read that. So much for you to process. Hold tight to your daughter and know that there really was nothing you could have done to change the outcome. Do you have help on hand? I found taking to a counsellor so helpful for just working through the experience of being married to an alcoholic. I’m sure your ex’s death will bring up a lot of painful emotions, so maybe worth considering, if you haven’t already (I seem to think you mentioned you had, though). Take care of yourself

@AFitOfTheVapours thank you very much. It's fairly awful. Daughter has probably coped as well as can be expected so far. A lot of emotional intelligence for such a young child. Ex's family have been awful, suggesting I am to blame. Added layer of hideousness on an already awful situation. Yes. So many mixed emotions.
I do have great support, thank you - have felt wrapped in love from friends and family.

Sorry you and your daughter are going through this. And to others in similar situations.

You may find some useful information with the charity Al-anon. They aim to support the family and friends of someone with alcohol dependence.
I’ve had a quick look at the website and there is some advice that could be useful.

al-anon.org/

Oh, so glad you’ve got such amazing support and that your dd has coped so well. Kids are so resilient, even though they shouldn’t have to go through this sort of thing. I‘M really sorry about the in-laws! I have taken my unfair share of blame from mine too. Nothing can really excuse it but I try to put it down to a massive lack of emotional intelligence and you sound so together that you probably don’t even need me to point that out. Hope you are holding up ok and can have some quiet down time to let it all sink in a bit. I’m sure this must be a a very complicated version of grief for you. Take care.

Fil (65) had liver disease, had it probably ten years before he developed ascites I believe (didn't tell us anything). He then a few months later got dementia like symptoms, saying odd things and just zoning out, behaving oddly. We took him to hospital and he was in for several months, came home for a very short time and then went back to hospital and died not long after. A total of a year all in all I'd say. It must be very difficult for you to watch this unfolding :-( xxx