Leave alcohol behind and re-learn your life. The freedom thread.

[Drybird2020]

This is thread 6, the Anniversary Edition! Welcome to old hands and newbies! From Day 1 onwards, you’re all invited to share this safe, supportive and encouraging place.

If you've not yet decided whether total abstinence is for you, do feel free to ask questions but please be aware that discussion of drinking can be triggering, especially for those in the early stages of sobriety.

If you are still drinking, or planning on moderating (and this includes occasional or once in a blue moon drinking) have a look at the moderation threads, which might be a better fit for you.

It might help to have a read through the previous threads;

1 is here, www.mumsnet.com/Talk/alcohol_support/3781133-Anyone-else-stopping-completely-in-2020
and

and 5 here;

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/alcohol_support/4043965-YES-it-is-SO-worth-it-YES-it-gets-easier-and-YES-we-thought-it-was-impossible-as-well-its-not-A-thread-for-those-embracing-an-alcohol-free-existence?msgid=101761283

You'll find links to the others in there somewhere.

The 31st December is my Soberversary. I'm 2 stone lighter, I've taken up running, I'm better off, more present and more patient with my children, and I've found the courage to address some difficult and traumatic parts of my life. And I couldn’t have reached this point without the threads to keep me accountable, and my lovely sober buddies to keep me sane.

Aww thanks! It’s not easy. We’ve a lot going on but I now realise how drinking would have made me less present and less helpful.

Everyone is doing so well & the personal achievements are amazing to hear. Well done. It must make being AF feel so worth doing when you recognise that you would feel so different trying to do these things with a hangover.

I do literally nothing. I feel life has stopped. I do go out to work but then it’s just home, sofa, bed. We don’t go anywhere, do anything, see anyone. I wonder if being AF will be as easy when life restarts? I have avoided buying AF beers/wines etc as I don’t want to be thinking “mmm this is nice but I’m missing the buzz” and be tempted into buying the real thing because ‘just once won’t hurt’. I wonder how it is that I could easily sink a bottle and a half of wine and not have to get up in the night but now I’m AF, and have a last cuppa around 7pm, I have to get up 2/3 times in the night for the loo!

Is anyone’s DP still drinking as normal whilst they are AF?

Morning all, day 133 here and just ran four whole miles at a pretty decent pace. I was inspired by @BunniesBunniesBunnies and put Shakira radio on and I have to say I enjoyed it from start to finish. Four months ago I couldn’t run a mile let alone four, amazing how much time is freed up when we get drink out of the way.

@Oldhabitsarehardtobreak I also worry how I’ll cope when lockdown is eased but at least I’ll have some time under my belt and my toolkit and the support here and I’ll just have to take it one challenging event at a time and plan rewards if necessary! My DH doesn’t really drink at all, I was the solo drinker (mega lush) in the corner here so he’s mighty relieved that those days have come to an end.

Wishing you all a beautiful Sunday

Morning everyone. Rinse and repeat, isn't it @Oldhabitsarehardtobreak? I think the first lockdown was helpful to me in that I could work on staying sober without many temptations. By the time we were getting out and about and seeing people from June onwards, I felt secure in it and just had to get used to saying no thanks when I was offered drinks. There are a lot of people who still don't know I've quit, because I haven't seen them and I'd rather it comes up naturally in conversation than make a big announcement.

My DH still drinks, but less now because I'm no longer the bad influence! I'm very happy about that.

This morning I woke up in a sweaty panic after a dream in which I drank two glasses of red wine! I was dreading coming on here and confessing. So glad I don't have to do that!

@Oldhabitsarehardtobreak. Mr. Horlicks was also a daily drinker and carried on being so for the first couple of weeks as I don't think he took my decision to be AF very seriously (can't say I blame him as I had been drinking daily for years).

I brought the subject with him as my main concern is when lockdown is over as we often went to the pub on our days off and how I would cope with still going but not drinking alcohol. He seemed to ponder on this and I noticed he cut down his nightly drinking a lot. He then had 5 nights free and is now only drinking a couple about twice a week. This is a HUGE change in his lifestyle. He had developed a real beer belly and 2 items of clothing I bought for him at Christmas were too small. (We met 13 years ago and his medium sized clothes hung off him. The clothes for Xmas were X-Large !!).

My real test will be post lockdown and being able to go to the pub again but I will cross that bridge when I come to it. I estimate I will be on the way to 3 months sober by then.

Is your DH still drinking?

Morning lads.

Pulling on my wetsuit at 8am on a Sunday I reflected to myself the hideousness of what hangovers feel like is starting I become a distant memory....hurrah!

(Although occasionally useful to revisit as a motivator to keep going)

Hey @Horlicks4me, I’ve attended a couple of social things when the rules were relaxed, one where all my friends were quite merry and I was stone sober! I still had such a great time!!! It was a big worry for me not being able to enjoy a night out anymore but I still do!

@Drybird2020 I had a similar dream not long ago, I was so disappointed in myself then woke up sooo relieved! Phew!

This is the first weekend I am not working in aaages and I’m really making the most of it. Two glorious runs and lots of family time. I watched a film with my husband from beginning to end without falling asleep!!! This might not seem like a big deal but in the olden days I would always fall asleep halfway through😂 🍷

Hi folks, can I pop on to ask a question? How did you get to the point when you knew that you needed (or wanted) to stay AF 'for good'?

@Oldhabitsarehardtobreak
Yes, my DH is still drinking as normal but I’ve not been massively bothered. I was a bit last night when he and the guy on tv were both knocking back the vino!
I also worry that normality will bring temptation. At the moment I’m home 24/7 so other than DH and people on telly there’s no temptation. When I go back out in the real world however, I’m sure it’s going to be harder.

I knew I had to go AF for good as moderation wasn’t working. I’ll need to remind myself that when the inevitable temptations come along.

Hi folks, can I pop on to ask a question? How did you get to the point when you knew that you needed (or wanted) to stay AF 'for good'?

I've known for literally years that I needed to stop but I've put off doing anything about it and as things got worse I drank more to try and get as many in as possible before I quit!

Me and DP were abroad in a hostel and I fell in with some hard drinking Aussie workmen who I got drunk with every night for over a month straight. DP and I then moved into an accommodation just the two of us. In my head I thought, well I won't get drunk every day any more because I'm not around the guys...first night...guess what...got drunk on my own. I woke up hungover and burst into tears and told DP I had a drinking problem and I needed to stop. That was nearly 8 months ago.

@Snowdrop30

Hi folks, can I pop on to ask a question? How did you get to the point when you knew that you needed (or wanted) to stay AF 'for good'?

Hi Snowdrop, I think it was when I was going through the first few days without alcohol and I realised that if I ever start drinking again I will inevitably have to stop drinking again too. I just can’t face doing that again. It’s easier to stop for good.

How is everyone? This has felt like such a long week, bad weather makes lock down feel even harder. I am 70 days alcohol free today (I was more excited when I realised it was 10 weeks 😀). I feel a bit stuck in the middle as the initial 30 day excitement is well in the past now but my 3 month/100 days/6 month milestones are all some way ahead. I suppose it is partly January fatigue and partly worrying about dropping the ball because I don’t want to slip up. I still don’t feel like someone who is confident in not drinking. Does that ever happen? Anyway. I am not going to slip up today. Just had seedlip spice with ginger ale, ice and a slice of grapefruit, and it was delicious 😊 Back on the quit lit tonight.

@BunniesBunniesBunnies congratulations on your 9 months! Happy belated birthday to Babybunnies too.

Congratulations @Blackberryblossom that's great. We are similar, stopped the same week.

I'm going to answer the question about quitting entirely. I've moderated fine in the past, I'm that thing of a middle lane drinker, most weeks in general I'd probably be under government guidelines and I can count hangovers across a year on one hand. Mild headache low energy feeling comes from 2-3 glases of wine for me. If I drank a whole bottle I'd be very hungover. Never had a black out or did anything major except regretted maybe being mouthy or a row with DH over nothing, ex where I did let myself down was a few occasions screaming at the kids and knowing deep down if I hadn't drank the night before I'd have coped better with whatever calamity was unfolding. So guilt then after and feeling like a bad mother.

Anyway despite being a regular but not heavy drinker, I thought about drinking a lot, too much, worrying to I look forward to it too much. DH would have no idea. I found myself devouring articles about giving up. Read all the quit lit. Quit for 30, 60, 90 days.

But this period of abstinence has just cemented in me that what I crave is one decision, to just cut it out entirely. Turn off the narrator in my head saying we'll you haven't had a glass since Sunday and today you did a great job with that and there's a lovely glass waiting in the fridge.....and so on. I found a diary this weekend from 1999 where I have written in 'quitting drink for lent, need a break'. That was me 3rd year in uni, like many I've always loved alcohol but Ive always worried about it (family history) and now I love not drinking it and hopefully some day not even thinking about it. I am taking a 'gains' approach, what do I gain by giving up? Cos that's more than I lose. I know if I decide to let myself have one here and there I'll just be back in that slippery space and I don't want it.

OK I wrote that more for me that anything but thanks for asking. Day 78.

Sorry about typos new phone keeps changing my words

Yes DH is still drinking, although not as much. He was drinking more and more (he had gone up to L/XL with his beer belly!) only because he hated sitting watching me downing glass after glass he had always been able to have just one or two whereas I couldn’t stop once I’d started. I don’t begrudge him drinking but I think it will be hard if we ever do get out again and he orders alcohol with a meal whilst I sit with a soft drink. He had a bit more than usual the other night and the empties repulsed me. I don’t want to go back to feeling grim in the mornings, wasting days off and having teen DC become drinkers. I’m hoping I will be so long AF that it won’t even cross my mind to have a drink. It must be a real nightmare to dream of drinking. The panic waking up, until reality hit that it was just a dream, must be awful after doing so well.

Hi folks, can I pop on to ask a question? How did you get to the point when you knew that you needed (or wanted) to stay AF 'for good'?
I failed dry Jan/July/Oct numerous times over the years because I loved a drink, knew I loved it too much and thought I should cut down. It’s taken a long time to get to the point when I was actually fed up of drinking, the anxiety, feeling rubbish and looking puffy and wanting to stop rather than feeling I should.
I knew when I decided to stop that I would have to make it for good. I’ve never been able to moderate, even as a teen, I was always the one finishing first and wanting more. I’ve been out to dinner and nursed one large wine, whilst friends had soft drinks or one small G&T, and then raced home after the meal and opened the bottle of wine I had waiting for me and downed a large glass in a couple of gulps. On holiday the other year (U.K.) I watched a little old man with a wheeled mobility aid shuffle down the street from his house, in the pouring rain, put a wine bottle in the public bin then shuffle back home. I don’t want to be a little old lady hiding the empties from concerned relatives.

Is anyone’s DP still drinking as normal whilst they are AF?

My dh is still drinking but he's definitely inspired to drink much less than he normally would. I am lucky though that he doesn't drink wine and I never drank his ales or cider so it doesn't feel an issue. His drinking is his affair and it has no bearing on my decision. I didn't used to feel like that though. I used to wish he would stop too as it would make it easier for me. I always resented in years gone by when he would still drink as much as before while I was pregnant. I felt it was really unfair of him. I was finding it hard to be pregnant and not drinking while he was supping away in front of me. It used to cause a lot of resentment and arguments.

But this time, I fell like its my story. He supports me in so many ways, he doesn't have to stop enjoying his ales. The only thing i find hard is when he drinks something I would normally drink with him. But i get over it.

Hi folks, can I pop on to ask a question? How did you get to the point when you knew that you needed (or wanted) to stay AF 'for good'?

I think honestly that i only truly got that this time round. Coming up for 6 months now and although i do celebrate that and think I've done well, it doesn't feel like a long time compared to the fact that i feel this is forever. It's just the beginning.

I have done dry January and stints other than that regularly for the last...erm...6 or 7 years now?
I also did 18 months dry at one point a few years ago but I told myself I could have a drink of wine on Christmas Day in the middle of it. And i did. I didn't overly drink but I did have wine and a cocktail on both Christmas Day and Boxing Day. Then went back easily to being AF for nearly another year. That made me believe i could moderate if I wanted to.

But of course it only took things to be out of kilter a bit and I fell into my old pattern of self medicating and over doing it. First lockdown being a case in point. I did dry January last year, then my mum took very ill and ended up in a nursing home, I had a few medical things going on related to the menopause- and then lockdown happened! And BAM! I was back to alcohol as a crutch. So, last August I decided that was that.

I do take my hat off to those who are younger, or who party a lot as their socialising with friends (precovid of course) or who are very heavy drinkers.

I have been quite a hardcore partier when I was younger with alcohol being only a part of the picture. I was part of a fairly hard core techno scene and alcohol and drugs were all around. My dh and I met in the centre of it all and we both decided we wanted out to a certain extent. As we (and many others) got married settled down and had kids we didn't party anymore but were left with alcohol still very much present. Sadly some of our friends have died who didn't get that stability and get out. That has been sobering in itself.

I have made a very different life for myself over the last 15 years so was drinking a fraction of what I used to. So in many ways it has been much easier for me. I do wish I'd managed it younger though. So again, hats off to those who are starting from a place I was at decades ago.

cartooner is right. There is soooo much more to gain than lose.

Thanks everyone for your honesty. I really appreciate it. Food for thought.

Are you thinking of quitting @Snowdrop30? If so have a read of some quit lit or podcasts etc. And feel free to join us here once you’re sure.

Marian Keyes post on Instagram good today. Also anyone follow Dani Stevens, she's great sober inspiration. Share if you have any other people who you find good sober influencer. Clemmie Telford stories last week lovely about giving up very honest, she seems like a genuine person.

Inspired by all you runners I am up to 30 minutes on my treadmill with 4 songs today running! I don't know why i commit more on the treadmill than outside running but it works so I will stick with it for now.
Thanks for the kick up the bum guys. (Can't quite dace Shakira yet though but some of the songs choices are my sons so they're not all songs I would normally listen to anyway so maybe I'll find the Shakira love)

Amazing work @Breathmiller!!!

I was rocking out to the sound track of lalaland during my run today!!!

Vegans I need help! @Breathmiller and @Hangingover (and perhaps others?)

I’d love to try a vegan month next month. I’m not too big on meat or fish so should be okay, but can anyone recommend good diary replacements?

I already love oat milk in my coffee so not worried about milk. I hate spreads so fear there is no replacement for my beloved salted butter😭

Are there any good vegan Mayos? And does good vegan cheese exist?

Ooh now. One of my favourite topics. Soo...
I use different milks for different things.
Aldi oat milk is my favourite olat milk. I have it in coffee and cereal. Its the one I always have in.
Soya milk is good for savoury cooking. I use the Alpro unsweetened one.
I just made my own almond milk this morning for a raw cacoa smoothie. Only because I had a glut of almonds. It's so delicious fresh. Just almonds and water. No need to add anything else.

Naturli is the best fake butter (or futter as we call it) , i only get it when I'm near a Sainsburys which isn't so often at the moment.

Cheese?! Well, in all honestly? It's all a bit shit. Most people find it easier to let go of dairy cheese first for some time before you are willing to accept vegan cheese. But if you do want an alternative then Applewood smoked and Mexicana vegan cheese are the best supermarket ones for melting.
I make a 'cheesy' pasta with Engivita and Violife cheese and even my meat eaters like it.

You can get some beautiful artisan vegan cheese places but be prepared to spend A LOT! My daughter lives in the city and brought me vegan blue cheese and camemebert for Christmas. It was genuinely bliss.

Oh sorry forgot Mayo.

I love them all actually. My preference is the Hellmans one though. I was really reticent as I love mayonnaise but I love it.

Excellent thanks @Breathmiller!

Random Q - Do you miss eating eggs? I love eggs and I don’t think there is a replacement really!