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Alcohol support
Getting professional help
endoftether51 · 05/12/2020 20:08
Is there a way of getting help anonymously but not AA?
DH is refusing to seek help as he says his work will be informed and it will show up in cbt checks
Is this true?
I'm at the end of my tether but he refuses to seek help and this is his latest excuse
Sunmoonstars77 · 05/12/2020 21:52
It's unlikely to show up but surely him seeking help is a positive move so even if it does show up it demonstrates that he is taking control of the situation and trying to help himself. I can't imagine his work would be informed to be honest !
endoftether51 · 05/12/2020 21:57
@Sunmoonstars77 I can understand why he's worried it would open a huge can of worms
But then again I don't know if his colleagues would be surprised
They must smell it on him sometimes and he's never come home from a works night out any less than paralytic
NewtoHolland · 05/12/2020 21:59
Does Inclusion work in your area? They are an amazing service.
fucknuckle · 05/12/2020 22:00
i don’t think usin glocal drug/alcohol services would show up on a DBS check?
he could always try AA as a stopgap til this gets worked out. if he’s serious about getting sober, any help is good help.
(recovering alcoholic, 6.5 years sober. i used local alcohol services and AA)
endoftether51 · 05/12/2020 22:05
I'm not entirely sure he is serious
I think he just said he'd consider it to get me off his back
I came downstairs this morning to find him still drunk at 11am. Shortly after this he fell down the stairs and then went back to bed for 4 hours and afterwards couldn't remember the fall
2 weeks ago we nearly split and he said he'd drink less but last night he had at least 3 bottles of wine while I was asleep
billybullshitterz1n · 05/12/2020 22:11
Accessing drug and alcohol services is not revealed in a CRB check. Even an enhanced one.
vanitythynameisnotwoman · 05/12/2020 22:16
Agree as above, not revealed in a DBS check and nor will they report to your professional body although they may encourage you to self report (if he's a dr/dentist/pilot/nurse/QC/etc). (Recovering alcoholic here in one of the above professions.)
But OP here you are doing his emotional labour. Is this a relationship that is good and healthy for you??
tribpot · 05/12/2020 22:18
I think you need to accept that he is always going to be able to find an excuse not to seek help. And if he won't accept he has a problem, no help will do him any good anyway.
I would be tempted to stop trying to help him and focus on your own needs. You might find Al Anon helpful - this is for the loved ones of alcoholics.
endoftether51 · 05/12/2020 22:19
@vanitythynameisnotwoman no it isn't
I'm very much at breaking point with it
He says it's up to me find him some help as I'm the one who has an issue with it .
endoftether51 · 05/12/2020 22:20
@tribpot I've had a look at them before
I'm going to have another look tomorrow
I'm guessing they will have an online forum in replace of meetings at the moment
endoftether51 · 05/12/2020 22:26
@nimbuscloud it will probably come to that
Though he will have to be the one who does the leaving . He keeps telling me to F off if I don't like it but I'm not leaving my house and he can't afford to buy me out
tribpot · 05/12/2020 22:30
He says it's up to me find him some help as I'm the one who has an issue with it
Time to start detaching from this toxic bullshit. I haven't read it but I wonder if Co-dependent No More would help you?
billybullshitterz1n · 05/12/2020 22:31
Don't put up with the abuse when drunk. Ask him to leave. Stopping drinking at night isn't enough and the fact that he is drunk at 11am tell you all you need to know.
Restlessinthenorth · 05/12/2020 22:33
I am a professional in this field. Your husband could access an alternative form of mutual aid such as smart recovery. If your husband accesses alcohol treatment services, this isn't going to show on his DBS. What I will say is that if there is any kind of safeguarding concern (for your family or for people who may be in your husbands care as a professional), a referral is very likely to be made to relevant service who will make decisions as deemed necessary to safeguard relevant parties.
I would say that this problem coming to the attention of your husbands employer due to self disclosure/help seeking, is likely to be viewed far more favourably than if an incident happens where there is any suggestion he was intoxicated or impaired by the effect of alcohol.
This must be so tough on you. Sending good wishes
FusionChefGeoff · 05/12/2020 22:40
Stop wasting your time finding help for him.
Incidentally, what's his excuse for not talking to AA if he's after anonymity?
He's not ready.
What you can do is get some help for yourself here:
al-anon.org
They will help you detach and work out your future.
Does he really think that 3 bottles is normal and you're the one who's being unreasonable?!
endoftether51 · 06/12/2020 08:54
@FusionChefGeoff I'm going to join al-anon today
He doesn't like the religious aspect to aa
Yes he reckons he asked around and ppl told him what he drinks is normal
He said I ruined yday by making an issue out of it
Worse bit is he had our 1 year old son with him until I realised he was drunk
FusionChefGeoff · 06/12/2020 08:59
I'm in AA 
It's not religious - it's spiritual so you come to accept that you are not the most important thing in the universe (!) but rather there is a higher being / higher power that's there instead and 'surrendering' to this higher power is what massively changed my outlook and helped me to stop drinking.
He's definitely not ready unfortunately so it's great to hear that you're going to get help for you (and by that for your son) as there really isn't anything you can do for him until he wants it himself.
Don't do anything that would enable him and if you feel strong enough make sure you tell others how bad it is as alcoholism thrives best in secrecy.
I believe the phrase al anon use is detach with love. Like AA they have meetings online now which is really great as you can find one at any time as it doesn't matter where it is!! The stories and support will be the same if you are in Chicago, Sydney or Basildon
endoftether51 · 06/12/2020 09:06
@FusionChefGeoff thank you
Yesterday I did something I hadn't done before and I rang his mother
He was not the least bit impressed with this
He apparently rang her and tore her head off and said she wouldn't be speaking to me again
She was the one who told me to remove all alcohol from the house
He spent all day asking me where it was before going to the shop to buy more
All my friends know about it, in fact they're probably sick of hearing about it and just wish I'd get rid of him
He's very good at turning things around and downplaying them. Making it look like I'm just overreacting and tells me I have 'mummy issues' as my mother who died a week after our son was born was an alcoholic
Writing it down makes it sound so terrible and actually it is but I think I was becoming used to it
FusionChefGeoff · 06/12/2020 09:35
Oh dear - he sounds like a cornered rat, fighting desperately to keep his disease alive - completely unaware that he's lost all control over his drinking 
Luckily, for some reason, I was spared this bit in my story as my poor husband just kept quiet and I had the awful realisation myself - that I was now drinking in order to blot out the shame I felt about drinking and every failed attempt to stop (every day!) was another reason to get good and drunk. As soon as I had that knowledge I knew there were 2 choices - get help or die. It really was that harsh and it was only that alternative that made me desperate enough to get help.
But I don't think he knew any of that as I was trying so desperately to hide the problem as, I knew, that if anyone knew how bad it really was it would be taken away from me and I couldn't understand how I could live without alcohol.
Sorry - thats a bit unrelated but don't know if an insight into the madness of active alcoholism might help you to realise how completely helpless you are and to give you the strength to step away.
If you are the child of an alcoholic that makes a lot of sense that you have married a man with all the same "isms". He may not have been drinking as heavily when you first met but I would imagine his overall behaviour was very familiar to you from growing up.
Al anon should be able to help you in so many ways that really is top of the list for you right now 
endoftether51 · 06/12/2020 12:31
He's reluctantly gone to stay at his mothers
I refuse to leave as I have nowhere to go and I can buy him out this house but he can't buy me out . Plus why the hell should I leave
Yesterday I came downstairs after he told me to have a lie in to find him drunk in charge of our 1 year old. Obviously I lost my shit . He then fell down a full flight of stairs and went to bed for 4 hours and when he woke up couldn't remember the fall
He oscillates from saying he wasn't drunk to admitting he was but that I'm blowing it all out of proportion and that I just love a fight and this weekend would have been fine if I hadn't 'started' on him
So basically I need to put up and shut up
He said sorry this morning and rang AA which is a start but because I obviously wasn't so ready to forgive and forget he just started twisting it around again saying I won't be happy no matter what he does and it's me with the issue blah blah blah blah
Purplecatshopaholic · 06/12/2020 12:36
My BFF is doing it without AA. She got an alcohol counsellor - via her gp I think. She sees her weekly and it’s made a massive difference. Sadly however it does not sound like your H is ready to make the changes required. And if not, then no support in the world is going to help.
endoftether51 · 06/12/2020 12:48
He actually makes me feel like I am blowing it out of proportion but I'm not am I? What happened yday is really serious isn't it? Obviously there is a long list of previous incidents but yesterday is one I can't forgive very easily
MrsTwitcher · 06/12/2020 12:54
Hopefully his mum can help him sort himself out. Just look after yourself and your baby. He is a grown man with a drinking problem. Dont let his refusal to admit he needs help ruin your life. He could startby speaking to his doctor. If he drinks too much and suddenly stops he might be feeling pretty shit.
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