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Alcohol support

Getting professional help

38 replies

endoftether51 · 05/12/2020 20:08

Is there a way of getting help anonymously but not AA?
DH is refusing to seek help as he says his work will be informed and it will show up in cbt checks
Is this true?
I'm at the end of my tether but he refuses to seek help and this is his latest excuse

OP posts:

tribpot · 06/12/2020 14:09

3 bottles of wine on a Friday night, still drunk at 11am on Saturday morning? So drunk he fell down a flight of stairs and doesn't remember it 4 hours later? Of course you're not overreacting.

His mother is quite wrong to have told you to remove alcohol from the house, btw. This isn't up to you to try and 'manage' and - as you saw - was entirely ineffective anyway.

I suspect he thinks a few token efforts, like calling AA but not actually attending, like somewhat moderating his drinking, will be enough to pacify you. The guilt will start about how it's not fair on his mum to have to house him or that the stress of being at her house is making it impossible for him to work on moderating his drinking.

It's up to you what you choose to accept, but you are choosing to accept it for your son as well. You know what it's like growing up as the child of an alcoholic, I suspect, unless your mother's addiction started when you were already an adult.


endoftether51 · 06/12/2020 14:11

@tribpot lol do you know him ? You have it spot on
I was about 12 I think when my mother started . Not sure what set it off

OP posts:

rosie1959 · 06/12/2020 14:25

I didn’t want to call AA because I knew this meant I would have to give up alcohol Went round the houses a bit with alcohol services ect but although they were very nice they really didn’t help with just one appointment a week
When I had finally had enough I called AA and haven’t looked back that was over 16 years ago
Why did that work ? Probably because I immediately knew they could help they were experts in alcoholism I couldn’t get away with the bullshit I would tell the alcohol services and they were available 24hrs a day 365 days a week
OP you can’t actually do anything someone may get through to him but he has to be willing to try


GeidiPrimes · 06/12/2020 14:38

At least you know that he can get help without it showing on a DBS check. But it sounds as if he's fighting very hard to carry on abusing his substance of choice, which sadly means it still holds much power for him.

I'm a recovering addict myself OP, and until I had that moment of clarity which enabled me to stop, no-one could help me - until then not even an order from the courts and the threat of prison convinced me to stop.


Purplecatshopaholic · 06/12/2020 14:44

Op you are really, really not blowing this out of proportion. Read back what you have written about his behaviour. He needs to get help, or go. Actually he needs to go.


endoftether51 · 06/12/2020 14:50

He just rang very apologetic
Says this time has really shook him up and he's determined to sort himself out
I said I've heard this all before
Ringing the AA at least is something he has never tried before , they are meant to be giving him a call back today

OP posts:

tribpot · 06/12/2020 15:02

Ringing the AA at least is something he has never tried before
You don't actually know he's done it this time, either!

You can see the pattern, you described it above. He will do just enough to get his foot back in the door and then within a few weeks has reverted to his old behaviour. I would tell him that you want to live apart for at least a year to see if he can make a meaningful and longlasting change to his behaviour - I guarantee the apologies will dry up at that point.


Lobsterquadrille2 · 06/12/2020 15:09

Hi OP, absolutely agree with @tribpot. See just how sorry he really is. Unfortunately ringing AA, even attending a few meetings, may be just paying lip service. Step one of AA is admitting that we are powerless over alcohol and that our lives have become unmanageable. Anyone who believes that they can moderate or control their drinking, or do it on their own, or can have a sober six weeks or months and then drink moderately, isn't admitting the powerless part. I always think that the first drink is a choice but the next 100 are not.

Like others on this thread, I have been in AA for many years and yes, anyone can achieve sobriety if it's what they absolutely want with every fibre of their being. Half measures availed us nothing, as we say.


endoftether51 · 08/12/2020 12:55

Anyone know how I actually join al-anon
I filled in the email form thing but I think thats just to get information.

OP posts:

Lobsterquadrille2 · 08/12/2020 13:24

Hi OP, if you go to the Al-Anon website, and the find a meeting page, you can type in your post code or county:


endoftether51 · 08/12/2020 13:31

@Lobsterquadrille2 ah ok thank you

OP posts:

FusionChefGeoff · 08/12/2020 20:55

If it's like AA you don't need to do anything more than show up to a meeting Smile

If you say when you 'arrive' that it's your first meeting then you should be greeted very warmly and helped out by other members


GivingItAMiss · 09/12/2020 22:50

OP i want you to know that my ex did all of this too. He got up with the kids one weekend so I could lie in and when I got up he was drinking beer (10am). Made such a fuss about how normal that was that I actually questioned myself.
Spent most weekends in bed only getting up when it was late enough in the day to start drinking again.
We split up and the sad outcome for my children is that he's chosen drink over them. Now I have to support them through that crushing rejection. Both need counselling. Both are hurt and angry.
Please don't believe his bullshit. It took me years to see my ex for what he is and it will take many more years for my children to get over it.

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