Here I am again...

[JorisBonson]

I vowed in December (and on here) to give up alcohol after falling over (again) and giving myself concussion.

I didn't quit, and yesterday I managed to get so drunk that DH was on his way to pick me up from central London.

I have awful pains and bruises from falling over. I remember people asking me if I was ok. Apparently I was hysterical. I can see I was calling my mother and I have a voicemail from get I'm too scared to listen to.

I've scared myself, yet again. Why do I do this?

I hate being here, I hate feeling like this. I don't know why I'm like this and know I need to do something.

Have you tried to get help from anyone?

I know you are feeling bad and sore today, but that will pass.

If you really want to stop, and it has to be your decision, try to remind yourself of the reasons why and what positives it will bring to your life.

Have you spoken to DH or your mum this morning?

you can get through this

NC for this but...

As a person who has never abused alcohol, I don't know what to tell you.

But I can tell you how someone in my life who abused alcohol affects me. This person is a late thirties professional, well dressed and functional person, for the most part. But then, something happens and this person reaches for spirits.

The moment I get phone calls, I get tense. After the latest updates, I get migraines. My work is suffering because I cannot sleep. My marriage is suffering because I am so consumed with what this person is doing, is this person alone, at home, outside.
Yesterday this person was taken by ambulance again, to hospital (again) after being found next to a railway track.
This person has caused two deaths recently due to alcohol abuse, and had two DUI cases against them, there are currently police investigations, they stand to lose their children, their job and their marriage, yet, it still carries on.

We have given all the support we can think of. Called all of the professionals. But it had to come from this person, and despite them walking the walk and talking the talk, it is not.

Its slowly breaking me. I shake with stress. It's all I think about and there is nothing I can do. I constantly take headache medication and I cannot stay on top of my game.

To be honest, we are all just waiting for this person to end it all, which is the only way we see this ending. It's absolutely not what any of us want, but we don't see a happy ending.

Please seek professional guidance.

If you’ve scared yourself, think about how much you would have scared the people that love you. I can’t give you insight into why you behave like this but if you want to change, you can change. Improve your life and that of the people you love. Sending a handhold 💐 and some strength x

That sounds very stressful @donaldtrumpsarmpit I hope the person in your life is able to come back from this

@titsbumfannythelot thank you. It is the most horrific thing I have ever witnessed. I wish I could shake this person and open their eyes.

I wish alcohol wasn't so easily available.

I wish for many things.

But mostly I really wish this person can get through this.

Sadly that just isn't enough.

@titsbumfannythelot no I've never sought help but I think it's time. DH is fine with me this morning but I'm just embarrassed. I've also realised that I've broken my wedding ring, I've bought a replacement as I don't want to tell him.

I have no idea what happened to me last night and how I got so lost. And it's not the first time. I'm mortified and angry, and very upset.

@donaldtrumpsarmpit that all sounds really horrible, I'm so sorry.

@BeamerTown thank you

@JorisBonson please do. It is a very slippery slope, and I think the fact you are already aware is a good start.

But not knowing what happened, is so worrying. You are do vulnerable when you are in this state.

This is my big fear. You cannot protect yourself.

Please please talk to your DH. Ask him to kindly support you.

Not wanting to pry here OP but can I ask you very gently how much and how often you are drinking? Well done for admitting that alcohol has become an issue. I think its time for you to seek help. As a first step can you perhaps make an appointment with your doctor and see if you could be referred to an alcohol dependency clinic?

@TeaLibrary I drink most days. A glass of wine or two with dinner and I am a classic binge drinker when I go out. I have no off switch.

DH is amazing and patient and I know he'd support me all the way. He is not a big drinker, has a couple socially. He is rightly quite upset with me, and I did put myself in a very vulnerable position.

My handbag is broken and I have lost some expensive make up, I have no idea how it's happened. I've managed to get in the bath today and I hurt all down one side where I obviously fell.

Hi Joris, have you looked at the deeper causes of your addiction and why you do what you do? there's a really interesting guy called Gabor Mate, he has some excellent lectures on youtube about the nature of addiction and why we do what we do. He's an addiction specialist. Maybe you have some unresolved issues, from, for example childhood, or a traumatic incident or series of incidences. In any case it's useful to look at the very root causes, as if we don't we are unlikely to be able to heal properly. I would recommend looking at his videos, he also has a book. I too have some addiction issues but am doing my best to work through them with the help of understanding why as well as addressing the behaviours. Best of luck OP.

PS it's not just for the classic addiction, but for binge drinking as well, even though it doesnt' seem like an addiction on the surface as such it still ties in with the themes. I also struggle with binge drinking.

Thanks @mallowa I'll look into that.

I've always loved drinking and am from a big drinking family. There were always parties in my house when I was growing up.

I like being drunk, I am quite a control freak and think I enjoy the recklessness of it.

In December I did the same thing and ended up with concussion. I could have died. I could have died last night. I literally cannot piece my night together and it's scary.

DH is out for the day and I just wish he was here, I haven't stopped crying.

I am worried that you have hurt yourself so badly and have no memory of how you did it. I think you need a fairly urgent assessment by your doctor and some bloods on liver function. If you are drinking every day then you are potentially risking serious liver damage and you might have become physically dependent on alcohol.
Well done for admitting that you need help. We are here to support you.

@joris I am in a similar situation in that my parents modelled these drinking behaviours for me, so it was normalised! They drank most evenings and had parties, and it was completely normal to see them smashed and staying in bed the whole rest of the day. You glorify the behaviour as "normal" or "fun" but when you look at the harm it causes it's not worth it. For me it's been about slowly cutting down where possible. There's also the Allen Carr book about stopping drinking and after an incident like yours I gave up easily overnight for 5 months with him! I would recommend it if you can get it. I did eventually have a few drinks again, but am nothing like I was - I still have the occasional blowout but much much less frequently and it's fading yet further. Counselling has also helped and being kind to myself. I'm also reading Russell Brand's "recovery" book which although I haven't read much of yet seems a good book too.

@TeaLibrary I will get in touch with my GP tomorrow to see if they will run some tests on me.

@mallowa that's amazing, well done. When I spend time with my parents now (they live miles away) we literally just get drunk. I can see how dysfunction that is now. I would like to get to the point where I can have an occasional night out and be sensible, but that seems impossible right now so I'm going to work through stopping all together.

Can I suggest Bryony Gordon's book Glorious Rock Bottom? I think it may resonate with you. Wishing you well

Thanks @niceupthedance I'll look at that

I can't stop shaking today. I won't miss this.

No real experience and nothing to add but a hug and to you @JorisBonson

Thank you @LatentPhase x

Thinking of you. I'm nearly 5 months sober and if you'd told me five months ago id have called you a liar. I genuinely thought it was impossible. I was the exception. The one so unique in their weakness I'd never be able to do it. It's all BALLS it's absolutely doable it's just a bit hard. Take it one day at a time and get over to the long running sobriety thread everyone on there is SO supportive and helpful. You can do this. Just one day at a time, your only job is not to drink.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/alcohol_support/4043965-YES-it-is-SO-worth-it-YES-it-gets-easier-and-YES-we-thought-it-was-impossible-as-well-its-not-A-thread-for-those-embracing-an-alcohol-free-existence

Here it is. Check in loads. Also get your paws on "The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober" I feel like you might identify with the author, I know I did!

Thanks @Hangingover. I've scared myself so badly that it may make it a bit easier.

In pain now all over so having a bath and some painkillers. I just want DH to come home now.

I’ve been you. Exactly where you are now. And then two years ago I decided I’d had enough, and I quit.

It was the best thing I ever did - but you’re expecting me to say that. What you won’t be expecting me to say is is - it wasn’t even that hard. In fact, it was really easy. I’d tried going the GP / counselling route and they just made it sound so difficult - as if it would be a hard, heroic battle and that every day I would be using all my willpower to battle temptation. But it wasn’t that way for me at all.

Read Jason Vale’s Kick the Drink - Easily. Or Allen Carr’s The Easy Way for Women to Stop Drinking (I listened to the audiobook). There are others in the same vein - I read loads of them in my first few weeks. And don’t beat yourself up: a lot of us have a moment when we realise we really can’t keep on punishing ourselves and the people we love with drink. Maybe this is yours. Good luck - you could be about to take a really amazing step.

One thing I found some people mention as helpful when trying to reduce/ stop drinking alcohol was the Jason Vale series on juicing. There are a lot of wonderful resources mentioned by previous posters that have really been a massive support in their move towards sobriety. I have faith in you Op. One day at a time. Would it help you to take control of your drinking to see your home as an alcohol free space and get rid of any wine left in the house today.

Have a really gentle day for yourself and when you're ready tell DH what you're feeling ❤️ It's a great first step because it means you're ready to start shutting off the "way back". I didn't voice anything to DP for years because I wanted him to still be there as a fun drinking buddy for when I inevitably convinced myself everything was fine and everyone binge drinks yadadada. It's a hard step but a vital one.