I need to stop

[qwertyl]

Hi, hope everyone is well and coping physically and mentally. Please, please let me have recommendations to quit the booze. I had a serious problem pre lockdown, it's got worse, I feel awful every day and need some advice for day 1 - did anyone read a really good book or follow a blog? For background, husband serious alcoholic and there is loads of booze in house continually so I need to be able to do this 'alone'. I need to get into the right mindset.....

You won't be able to do this whilst you are living with an alcoholic.

Is there any alcohol he drinks that you can’t stand? Eg beer or whisky or whatever. Then maybe only keep that in the house?

Also if you have been heavily drinking regularly for a long period of time it will be extremely dangerous to stop cold turkey without medical supervision.

Try starting a reduction program (keep a diary). I recommend cider (not the strong stuff!) and serve it in little wine glasses. Or perhaps a g+t with those nice flavoured tonics but measure less and less gin in them each week. You may find eventually you are satisfied with no gin at all.

alcohol can be both physically and physiologically dependent. I’ve heard of people who recommend drinking posh soft drinks with ice and nice garnishes to give the impression of a ‘treat’ like an alcoholic drink would be.

Work out how many units you are drinking a week, then try to reduce this by 10 units per week.

You need a sustainable reduction firstly until you can see your GP to be signposted to proper support.

Thank you duchess that is a good idea. Day 1 - have got to do this.

Good luck OP!

Do you know how many units you are drinking a week?

It depends really duchess I can do three or four days dry which massively effects weekly average but always cave Thursday - Sunday when I would estimate I drink 15-20 units a day. I have got into an awful habit of not being able to just stop at 1 so it's much better for me to abstain completely. I'm so fed up with looking like crap, feeling tired and then starting the whole cycle again. Thank you for your help. I will try and also find a group on here, I have followed a few through dry Jan....

There is a support thread on here.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/alcohol_support/3852189-Wankerbastards-standing-together-Moderatin-may-take-a-hit-while-around-us-things-are-shit-But-we-stand-arm-in-arm-heart-to-heart-but-a-respectable-2-meters-apart

Plus if you get get a (phone?) consultation with your GP they can signpost you to other support like CBT and acupuncture.

To start with keep a diary and write down every drink you have in it. Make sure you get the number of units on the bottle rather than guessing. For example don’t just assume a small glass of wine is 1 unit.

Maybe start next week with some sort of rationing. Say maximum of 60 units. If this could be decreased by 5 units a week you will be well on your way.

Do you drink the same things as your DH? If not it will be easier to control than if you are sharing bottles of wine. Honestly the cider in small glasses works really well. I used one of those little Paris goblets so each one was half a unit.

There is a good app on this site that will help you track your progress.

www.drinkaware.co.uk/understand-your-drinking/unit-calculator

And acupuncture really helps! I know it sounds crazy but it works.

Hi op. Congratulations on step 1 of admitting you have a problem. OK so I'm sober after having an alcohol problem. Call me alcoholic, whatever the label I really don't care these days . So I tried everything and anything (support wise) I could lay my hands on. Attended AA (still do occasionally) it wasn't for me wholly but it is a support network of people all recovering from alcoholism successfully. That network is important in early days. I tried local alcohol support service - great stuff on raising self esteem and figuring out underlying problems with assertiveness etc. Read tons of books - the unexpected joy of being sober by Catherine gray is great. It's hard initially but gets way easier. I'm happily sober - thankful and blessed everytime I wake up sober (AA taught me that) my DH doesn't drink though and my social life doesnt involve it either so I've got it 'easy'... Your DH being an active alcoholic is going to be your stumbling block.... I don't have any advice on that one....

Thank you duchess and browny really helpful advice. I've always been petrified about AA in case I knew anyone but to be honest I'm sure it's no secret..... I have got through the witching hours and triggers today and I find day 1 hardest. Next task is the weekend - I've never regretted not getting drunk, yet have many days of regretting drinking so why is it so hard to make the right decision? I will follow that thread duchess. Congratulations on your sobriety browny

Good luck OP. One more piece of advice. Play the song by Sia ‘chandelier’ tonight.

Hi @qwertyl just wanted to check how you were really and see if you've thought of any ideas to help you with your long term sobriety? You CAN and you will do this. Believe you me - your life will be transformed. It'll take a few months to start feeling it but it really will be wonderful. Because It'll be simple. Do you know what silly things I feel grateful for everyday? Having a clean mattress that doesn't stink of urine. Having hair that smells of shampoo. Having teeth that are brushed twice a day. Looking people in the eyes without feeling paranoid what I may have text them or said to them when pissed. Wracking my brains to remember if I phoned them or arranged anything with them when under the influence. And I f course the big things too (my wonderful little family all in tact) my alcoholism was 'part time' drank in binges at home and functioning well the rest of the time. But I was always hankering after that booze. It nearly destroyed me. I never met anyone I knew in AA personally but even if you did its anonymous (this is going to sound harsh but it is the truth - they're too busy concentrating on their programme of recovery and probably sponsoring others to care less about reporting a newcomers appearance as a sideline of gossip) they're there because they suffered the same problem. Try the helpline and see if you get anything from talking to a successfully recovered alcoholic? You may just get something from it. Isn't it worth a try? And buy that book - Catherine gray. Any questions I'm here

Ps @qwertyl congratulations on getting through your triggers today. One day at a time. Keep it simple. Don't go overboard in your efforts. Just don't drink today. One step at a time. Ring AA helpline tommorow. No need to commit to anything. It's just a phone call. Night night and we'll done for getting through day 1

Thanks so much browny what a lovely post and thank you for sharing your experience with such honesty. I feel better after day 1, it's ridiculous but just waking up not having guilt, And remembering going to bed is a novel concept, I want that feeling every day - I have joined a small group on here which seems to have some people in very similar situations. Duchess I don't drink beer and don't much like gin (or tonic) (you wouldn't know that as I've drink both in copious amounts) but I'm hoping if we mostly have that in the house it will help. Problem is 48 bottles arrived on our doorstep yesterday - I have to be strong for me and then evaluate whether my DH will ever moderate, or if I can cope if he doesn't.... well done you on your journey and thanks for acupuncture recommendation, that sounds interesting - did you tell the therapist that was why you were there? I used it for fertility in the past but didn't realise it could help with this

It was done with a specialised alcohol therapist who was trained in acupuncture as well. It was all paid for by the government via an organisation called lifeline.

Morning @qwertyl well done for day 1 again! How are you today? Your DH seems like he's going to be a real challenge in your recovery. Truthfully I know my sobriety was really helped by my DH not caring less for booze and us not having it in the house. I guess for now the only thing you can do is try to blank him out a bit and just concentrate on you and your recovery (yes your recovery - your journey has begun ) recovering from the mindset of alcoholism or habitual heavy drinking isn't an overnight thing. Firstly you have to REALLY want it. Try absolutely everything offered. I was the biggest snob going. I baulked at AA and alcohol services for years - quite frankly I thought I was above 'those people' because I had a husband two beautiful happy children and a successful career. I had managed to binge less - but the effects were the same. Blacking out. Stumbling off the sofa at 3am with the mother of all headaches. Paranoid, sweating, TERRIFIED. Running into my kids bedrooms to make sure they were there. Stroking my DH in bed so needy and desperate to know i hasn't scratched him or attacked him verbally or physically. Checking through my phone to pray that I hadn't sent texts to anyone. Usually I had - usually a bloke I used to work with declaring love and sometimes sexual intentions (I didn't live him and didn't fancy him). Ooooh the horrific life of an alcoholic. I thank God. I really thank God I don't have that feeling today and never have to go through that again. When or if I ever felt deprived of not having alcohol - all that I just described is sitting there just waiting for me patiently. No bloody thank you. I'm swearing even thinking about it. My snobbery died by the way - I couldn't give a flying fiddlestick what anyone thought of me using those services. I got sober (mostly on my own steam if I'm honest) but those support services really helped in the early days.grsn help with both hands and embrace it. You won't regret getting sober my friend x

Thank you so much browny your post just resonates with me so much and I'm so grateful for your support. How long have you been sober? So much admiration for you doing it. DH is a huge stumbling block as I almost feels he justifies his drinking if we're both doing it and he doesn't seem to get as blind, blackout drunk as me however I do notice when sober that he's more drunk that I would usually realise.... so in these difficult times as it is I am doing this for me and my daughters - I wish he would do it too my I need to distance myself from that otherwise my habits will always be linked with his - does that make sense..?! I'm feeling positive and fully intend to seek help where I can - services are no doubt so stretched at the moment but I've read that AA has moved to zoom meetings! Just taking 1 day at a time and not thinking about the long weekend when it usually all happens again.... thank you thank you browny your advice and honesty is brilliant

No problem at all @qwertyl. Anytime. I've been sober for 2 years but I've had a lapse in between. (the lapse was after I tried to go it alone) that's when I had to seek support. The binge was meant to be a quick cheeky drink with me and my DH the Friday night. By the Sunday I was on a 3day bender and did something that could have put my children in danger. It was time for support. Dark times. I don't crave alcohol whatsoever anymore. Now and again I may get a fleeting thought (usually when I'm alone) 'wouldn't It be nice to just have...' but I recognise that old devil immediately and I slam the door on him and reply in my head 'yeh all we all know it won't stop there. 1 will lead to 2 will lead to an uncontrollable binge with me waking up with suicidal thoughts and unable to care for my family and then ill be trip tropping up one stop at 9am for a bottle of wine just to get me through the morning - I'll pass I lf you don't mind ' . Your DH..... Ah difficult. To be fair... Once you're sober I can guarantee you'll have strength you didn't know you had. You'll see things with a new clarity. You may want different things. But that is in the future. Don't make any decisions now on that. Ring AA - see it as a positive. You'll feel elated with yourself once you get off the phone for doing something proactive. Just listen to what they've got to say and see if it resonates. Just talking to another recovered alky (they'll be like me!) will help. You don't have to commit or get too terrified about attending. Just make that contact. AA are doing zoom meetings. Attend if you're feeling up to it. But if it feels a bit daunting try the phone line first. Proper meetings are better than zoom admittedly. Let me know how it goes xx

Ps tell your DH you're not wishing to drink. As he's still actively drinking with no desire to quit he may not be too supportive over your attempts to get sober. Let him sort himself out (or not) and just concentrate on you and your recovery at the moment. Your girls will never have to see mum with a drink again. I feel excited for you!

Hi

I'll be a year sober on Saturday ! Can't quite believe it

I got well with AA and have worked through the 12 steps. I am so much happier, peaceful and calm.

I wouldn't have got here without the support of others so please let me know if you'd like my support - just send me a message x

I've kinda done the 'diet' version of AA. I've complimented my sobriety with all sorts of support including AA. Many AA folk only use AA and follow the programme wholly. @cherrytreeblossom will be a good source of info on AA (better than me) x

Browny - it's just works for each of us isn't it

My way has been full on aa although I know lots of people take what works and leave the rest.

I like that in AA there is no judgment Xx

@cherrytreeblossom you're very right and I too know a good few people that feel they need no more than AA. It is indeed a fantastic programme and a new way of living and navigating through sober life. The support network feels liberating.

Thank you both cherry, browny and duchess so kind of you to send me all this positive information and well done Cherry a year is amazing. I can only dream! I look back at pictures of me pregnant and yes I was younger but I look so much healthier in the face just by not drinking.... I think? DH knows I am not drinking, day by day, I'm sure he thinks it will be over by Thursday as usual but history tells me I cannot moderate. I will join t go back to day 1 Monday and will spend another two weeks or likely more agonising before going back to it. I did some exercise tonight at the witching time, I'm drinking sparkling water with squash and I'm going to call AA tomorrow - I've never really liked the idea of the spiritual side but I cannot knock it until I've tried it and right now I need help from super people like you who have tried it! Thanks ladies and well done, you're keeping me going!

@DuchessOfBeddington,what terrible advice to give an Alcoholic,carry on drinking!! Tapering NEVER EVER works.

Private message me if you are interested in AA @qwertyl,in two weeks time I will have been sober 17 years and am an AA member,it is nothing to do with religion,so don’t be put off.I tried so many times to stop drinking on my own,I couldn’t do it,I have not drunk since my first meeting.

There are no face to face meetings at the moment because of the lockdown.But there are meetings on Zoom 24/7 from across theWorld.I am doing lots of them,tonight at 10 I will be doing one in London.You would be made welcome if you decide to join,you don’t have to speak,you can just listen.

Wishing you well and message me if you want details of Zoom meetings,the ID and Password.

Well done @qwertyl you're really making positive steps. Well done for getting through yet another evening. You should be bloody pleased with yourself. Please just ignore dh and what he thinks of your sober efforts. It's not worth letting it lead you to a slip at the moment.... So spiritual side of AA. I had the same reservations. There's a saying in AA that I need very much and I remind myself everytine I feel uncomfortable about an idea or something being said 'take what you want. And leave the rest' I had to really tune into that piece of advice from aa. Without it I'd have probably left AA. I love the fact I'm no longer alone in the problem I've had when I walk in AA. I love the fact nobody judges me or each other. I love hearing people share their stories and their wisdom. I love sharing mine! Some members are more passionate about the steps and the programme and others are less so. But so longer as you're sober who cares. I take what I want and need from AA and reject (quietly) the bits that aren't for me. Please update us after you've made that call. I'm thinking of you and behind you. Xx