I'm giving up drinking.

[WeAreAllAdults]

I'm writing this so I can come back and remind myself why I'm doing this when I feel weak.

I don't want to drink anymore. I don't want hang overs. I don't like how irresponsible I am drunk. I hate waking up and wondering what I did last night. I hate feeling guilt and remorse the next day. I hate that if I don't get to have a drink on a Friday night I get annoyed. I hate that I can't just have one without wanting more. I hate that my friends buy me alcohol for my birthday because they know I like a drink. I don't want to end up like my dad.

I don't want it. I don't need it.

[Majorcollywobble]

Wishing you all the very best on your alcohol free journey . Personally I decided to go sober for October and so far so good . It’s easier than I thought it would be . I was always looking forward to that first glass of wine in the evening as a stress buster . Met a lovely woman who had nearly lost her life to alcohol addiction which as any intelligent person grasps is a disease like any other .
She said something that resonated with me - If I’m stressed I reach for something else now - so that helped a lot . Exercise - even a 10 minute walk helps me . It’s only been a couple of weeks but the compulsion to make a lunge for the wine bottle is gone . Feels good - good luck to you ladies . Would love to be part of the group if possible.

[comfortablynumb1]

@LKS1 we are here for you. Even if you're not ready to stop you can spill your guts on here. No judging. We clearly have all been there/are there still.  for you.

@Majorcollywobble good luck on sober October. You sound like you're already doing amazing

[pennyhasdropped]

@comfortablynumb1 hadn't thought about that actually- if I'm totally honest I'm not bothered either way. He's been the reason I picked up a glass of wine back in 2017 so it matters not. I've been hiding behind my wine glass pretending all is well.. it's not and I'm determined to clear my head and get sh*t sorted. To be fair he was a wine drinker when I met him, he has an off switch and can drink a bottle and be quite happy with that.. my relationship with drink is much worse I feel and my own mother was a functioning alcoholic pretty much all of my childhood (I can remember) a secret I've carried around with me forever. She started drinking after my father passed away suddenly at an early age - I was 7 and the youngest of 4. I held this woman very dearly in my heart and it wasn't until I had children myself I realised how toxic this parenting relationship was with my mother. I'm determined this won't happen to me and my children, I have in the past had flashbacks of my childhood and ended up caring for my own mother! The elder one left home as soon as they could, I felt compelled to take care of her even though I seemed to be enabling her. Anyway, that's the past.. this is my future AF. Trust me none of us want to end up like that.

[seaweedandmarchingbands]

My mother was an alcoholic as well. I am determined that my child won’t see the things I have seen.

[pennyhasdropped]

@seaweedandmarchingbands same for me. I think there is a lot I've blocked out but it most definitely wasn't a normal upbringing. That said I can't begin to imagine what my mother went through. Being left pennyless to bring up 4 children at the age of 40 back then must have been hard. Doesn't excuse it but all too easy to fall into this trap. I'm not going to.. and good on you for thinking the same 🙌

[emmetgirl]

I've been reading everyone's posts with great interest and it definitely took me back 13 years when I stopped drinking. You see I'm an alcoholic. I have no problem saying that. I didn't start drinking problematically until my early 30s I think. My mother is/was an alcoholic but never saw it that way and still doesn't although I don't see her any more. I tried more times than I can remember to stop drinking and I only ever lasted a couple of weeks before I started drinking again. In the end I went to AA. It didn't work straight away, I had to keep going. In the end though, it DID work. You see, what you have to do is to look at your whole life. Everything about yourself. The way you think, the way your behave. AND you have to not pick up the first drink. It's not easy. It's very hard. But my goodness it's worth it. I am no longer the person I was when I was drinking. I don't even think about it much any more. I'm actually happy. I have problems just like anyone else but I have learned to deal with them. Sober.

[LKS1]

Thank you @comfortablynumb1... just read again everybody's posts.
My kids (now both early 20s) have seen me drunk (or tipsy as my protective daughter prefers to say) many, many times. The shame that goes with that is so dreadful but yet hasn't made me stop.
The counsellor I saw a few years ago didnt think I was physically addicted to the wine but definitely psychologically - I could have worked that out myself !..
Guess I just need to get on, do it and stop the constant obsessing and ruminating about when I can have a drink (how close to 5pm!).. will I open a second bottle..... will I try and mix it with soda... will I try AF wine.. will my husband notice how pissed I am when he comes in... will my friend who I called when pissed last night have realised how rat-arsed I was (of course she would !)... will having a glass of wine before 5 take the edge of today's hangover... will it be okay to drive (have to ... live in a rural area ) after the two bottles last night...
Yes drinking is absolutely exhausting... but I still want it

[MacavityTheDentistsCat]

LKS Without wishing to sound insensitive, I find your 12:55 post brilliant. It's exhausting even just to read and really encapsulates both the physical and mental struggles we have all ended up with.

The shame: it's so crippling. I'm ashamed of drinking and the shameful things I do when drunk, but likewise too ashamed to ask for help to stop the drinking. Makes no sense really.

Day 5 here.

[seaweedandmarchingbands]

You shouldn’t be ashamed! This is a physical and psychological addiction, not a moral issue. Alcohol is shown to increase, not decrease feelings of shame and anxiety, because it’s a depressant and will (unsurprisingly!) depress us over the long term.

[Rupertpenrysmistress]

LKS1 your post reminded me of my feelings when I used to drink, how early is acceptable to drink? Will DH notice I have been drinking? And it's exhausting and you don't realise until you quit how strong that hold is, I had quite devious behaviour I would hide empty bottles at the bottom of the bin or on top of the fridge, replace them so DH didn't notice, always wondering when can I have a drink. Days out were spent waiting for a drink or looking for places to drink. I used to get really short tempered if I couldn't have a drink or had to wait.

My DC have seen me drunk, I have been horrible to my nearest and dearest. I have no excuses. I couldn't moderate I always had reasons to drink on my AF days so I quit. That sounds like it was easy it was not, I had many failed attempts leading up to this period. I am currently over 11 weeks sober. I can now look at myself in the mirror and see my behaviour and the trap I was in.

It's the best thing I have done I am a much nicer person, I am present and patient I sleep amazingly well, I have lost weight and I am available for my DC. I can go into pubs, on holidays, special occasions and not drink and I now see alcohol does not make life fun, life does that itself. I still have problems in my life BUT they are much easier to deal with sober.

I never tire of waking without a hangover and the consuming guilt and promises today will be the day. That was exhausting and life is too short for that. Good luck to you all if I can do it you can I didn't think I would ever quit. I was probably drinking 5 bottles of wine plus a week and more if we were out.

[Rupertpenrysmistress]

Sorry about the lack of paragraphs I did put them but the app seems to remove them.

[MacavityTheDentistsCat]

I know in my heart of hearts that you are absolutely right, seaweed, but I just can't (yet) feel much else but shame. It's just where I am.

So, for now at least, I'm trying simply to work with what I've got and to morph the shame from an excuse TO drink (Oh no! Did I do that? Let me drink and forget!) into a reason NOT TO drink (Oh no! Did I do that! Never again!).

It's just a small step but it's helping at the moment.

[femininefrillsandfurbelows]

Day 5 still the nemesis. The cravings have hit - only very slightly, but last time I gave up it was round about now (4pm) on day 5 that I knew I wasn’t going to get through the day. There was no particular reason. I just knew I would go out and buy wine, and then I did.

But I really, really want to be sober for an extended period of time.

It’s funny how the cravings attack you, like a little voice in your ear saying, “Well, you can’t be that bad - four days without drinking is pretty good.” And so it is. But that has nothing to do with the fact that I think about drinking daily, would drink daily if it wasn’t harming my health, self-esteem, wallet and relationships, or with the fact that I don’t appear able to stop.

Shut up, voice! You’re not having wine, now go away.

[MacavityTheDentistsCat]

Hand hold feminine . I'm on day 5 too.

I hate 'the 'voice'. I find it wages guerilla warfare, ambushing me when I'm least expecting it. I've given up on politely asking it to go away and now just tell it to f* off. Next door's cat overheard and looked pretty surprised yesterday.

[IRefuseToSink]

Thanks for the amazing support and suggestions.
I'm on day 4 and feel awful. Headaches and lack of sleep have left me exhausted.
I'm taking the dc away to the seaside for a long weekend tomorrow. Hoping I can get a bit of R&R away from work and the daily grind.
Already worried about the following weekend when the DC are away with their dad. I will be alone for almost 3 days (which is unheard of) giving me ample excuse to have a drink without anyone finding out. I'm going to work on a plan to keep myself busy.

[femininefrillsandfurbelows]

IRefuseToSink

It’s funny how different things trigger different people, isn’t it? Put me in a room on my own for a few days and I’ll probably be fine. Expect me to talk to people or deal with anything out of the ordinary, and I will get a craving.

[IRefuseToSink]

I know! It's so pathetic, as soon as I get any kind of free time to myself I get this weird excitable butterflies in my stomach feeling like "I could literally do anything right now and no one would find out" and generally decide the best use of my new found freedom is to get shit faced.
I have no idea why, I've never really thought about it until now.

[seaweedandmarchingbands]

You’re not pathetic. Try to avoid using such negative language about yourself. You’re on day 4! That’s amazing.

[LKS1]

@MacavityTheDentistsCat....you are not insensitive at all ..even in just a few hours I feel I can be honest somewhere so thank you thank you.
And @Rupertpenrysmistress thank you for being soooooo upfront about the deviousness ... even last night after one bottle of wine, I was sneaking outside to get to the bottle I had hidden in the garden. My husband saw me so had to give some bullshit story about looking for the cat.
Recently as my drinking has increased, I have had one bottle (public) in the fridge and another in a dresser in the kitchen that I top up my glass from when DH not in the kitchen, The empties are flung to the back of the cupboard until I can sneak them out when no one is looking. My DH is not stupid... he knows I am drinking way to much but if he broaches the subject I get defensive - same with my family - so they tolerate me because they love me and I overcompensate by being kind beyond reason to alleviate the guilt . That is until I am occasionally... pissed and nasty.
Today I only bought one bottle of wine - for me this is “progress” but I am not kidding myself. I am very afraid of going cold turkey.... going from one bottle of wine plus per day what are the withdrawals... plan to ease myself off gradually - I am still deceiving myself - did anybody else here seek medical help to stop - I mean meds ??? Wishing everyone, everywhere peace to change and be happy - I am really not x

[LKS1]

When I say only “occasionally” pissed and nasty maybe that isn’t for me to say.....

[MacavityTheDentistsCat]

I haven't LKS1. (I'd been drinking three quarters to a full bottle a day (white wine, 11 to 12% proof) but have found that OK to just stop dead from. The first couple of days I felt quite restless and shivery but essentially OK.) More than that and I might have considered going to the GP first (although I doubt a 'cutting down' approach would ever work for me). Have you seen your GP at all?

[seaweedandmarchingbands]

Had a bath, in pyjamas (that’s a good trick during the danger hour - can’t go out for wine dressed like I’ve just escaped) and watching Wrath of the Titans for a bit of Sam Worthington and some good ol’ monster-beating.

[comfortablynumb1]

I'm on my way home from work and the little voice has started about having a nice cold glass of wine.

How I should treat myself to a nice candlelit bath and a glass of wine and that will unwind me.

I've plugged in my Allen Carr book as loud as possible on my phone and I'm going to just get through tonight.

Tomorrow will come and I'll feel so much better for not drinking I just have to get through this craving 😩

[seaweedandmarchingbands]

You can absolutely do it! That voice is your enemy.

[StandUpStraight]

comfortablynumb you can do this. That’s the wine witch you can hear (Clare Pooley’s term). Tell her to sod off.

I became quite obsessed with books and blogs on the subject of giving up and found them super helpful for getting through evenings, particularly the really honest ones like Lotta Dan’s (Mrs D) at livingwithoutalcohol.blogspot.com/