DH in denial.

[Thewayforward]

Morning.

Wonder if anybody could provide advice with this matter.

Essentially DH is an alcoholic but completely in denial. It all came to light a couple of years ago when things got bad however with counselling, support and meds we seemed to be moving in the right direction. Fast forward couple of years and he is back at it again. Although not drinking to the same levels as before it is blatantly obvious that he is. He however denies these claims and says that WE, his family are seeing things and says that he is doing really well. I really feel that he has some deep seated issues which are the route cause however he is a very very private person and even to me wil do open up and say what is going on in his mind. I am at the point know where I have had enough but can not see a way out. Kids love their dad so much. He is not violent or abusive when drunk just useless frankly. I have supported him all I can but feel unless he admits a problem himself there is no moving forward to try and resolve this. I sometimes feel life is not too bad, it could be worse but then I feel why should I feel anxious everytime he comes home from working waiting to see if he has been drinking or not.

Sorry for rant.

Hi OP. So sorry to hear you're having such a worrying time with this. We just wanted to bump this thread for you in hopes there's someone else about this morning who might be able to help.

You could also try posting on the relationships board where there are lots of other posters who've been in similar situations and might be able to offer advice.

Hi, if it means anything I’m also in a similar situation and probably at the same point, my partner has been drinking for several years and just the other day told me she wanted to change her life and give up. Since then she’s been more drunk then usual, almost every evening, well from around 5pm onwards. I thought I was ready to deal with this until yesterday when I found she’s actually been drinking throughout the day as well starting on some occasions at 9am. I hadn’t noticed as she drinks little and often just enough to see her through but not enough to show unless of course she has a glass or two in public and it sends her over. Unfortunately she isn’t so pleasant and gets defensive and aggressive if I mention it, the best time for me to talk to her is first thing in the morning but there's never the time as we have children. The funny thing is my reaction to seeing her hit the spirits has been for me to secretly start watering them down so that it’s not killing her so quickly. According to my wife it’s normal behaviour and everyone does it, I’m also supposed to join in otherwise that causes more arguments as I’m “just making a point”. Last year I tried to convince her to attend an alcoholics anonymous meeting but she refused stating she wouldn’t go because it would benefit me. She’s a keeper!
I’m sorry I’m not offering any answers but it’s hard to find a place to just get it out, I really want to join a forum for partners living with alcoholism just so I can feel like I’m not on my own with this.

Hi there

You are not alone OP, my DH is an alcoholic who I am not sure if he is in denial or not - he has told me on multiple occasions that he “knows that it isn’t healthy” and “he wishes he didn’t” drink as much as he does (usually between 30-40 units a night - every night) but yet he continues to do so.

He is high functioning currently in that he can maintain a job, relationship and house (currently) but it does concern me how long this will continue for until it starts affecting his health (he has been drinking this heavily for approximately 16yrs)

We did have issues culminating in me leaving him 2 years ago as I couldn’t deal with it - I was sick of cleaning up after him, trying to stop him drinking by pouring his drinks away etc - I then started going to al-anon meetings which have helped me to learn that I didn’t cause him to drink, I can’t control it and I can’t cure it.
The friendships I have found in al-anon have also been a source of strength to help me realise that I am not alone and I am not responsible for his choices and behaviour.

It’s ok to rant - sometimes writing things down helps to get things off your chest/mind

Also I can understand your anxiety - I remember I used to feel so anxious waiting for my husband to come home in the evenings with his carrier bag of glass bottles chinking (so much so that I would keep on checking the time to see how soon it would be). Or even feeling anxious before I got home from work thinking what I would be coming home to - either a husband in a soiled bed or a husband that was dead from overdosing alcohol - thankfully my anxieties aren’t so bad now! I take one day at a time - or one hour at a time if one day feels like too much for me

Thisgirlcanrun

How did your partner take to you going to al-anon meetings? Did he ever go as well or was you there in your own ?

Hi Dave181

To be honest I can’t really remember, I remember feeling really anxious about how he would react - but then when I told him he seemed to understand, I think now he worries when I say I am going to a meeting because he thinks things between us are getting bad, even though they aren’t - I have told him that I go to the meetings to help me with my recovery and that is what Al-anon is about

He hasn’t been to a meeting with me but we have been to Alcoholics Anonymous- AA meetings together (not in long time though)
I have also been to an AA meeting myself (you have to go to open meetings) the ones I have been to are really interesting and the people that I met aren’t at all what I expected them to be - they were friendly and sounds awful but were like “normal” people - whatever someone’s perspective of normal is

I can’t get my wife to go and she’s dead set against me going. I’m not sure what to do really. I feel like I’m just waiting till my youngest has left home, I’m annoyed that this has left them with unhappy memories.

That’s a tough one Dave181, I hope you find your way, you are not alone on your journey x

I wanted to write from another perspective. I was the drinker 😔. I had a job, a relationship but liked to drink a lot! I'm 40 now and have been sober for 7 years. I could never have imagined a life with out drinking and now I can't imagine a life drinking. The thought of it makes me feel sick. I started with AA - my family were upset so often by my behaviour and I was a nightmare. Hiding my drinking. I loved AA but often went to the shop on way home and brought some wine. Towards the end of my drinking the last 6 months I started drinking spirits. Of course I would say I hadn't but I was. It was after one really bad episode of drinking that I checked in to a rehab. 30 days. Even when I was there I kept thinking I can't wait to get out I will drink on the sly. That was in the first week or so. My attitude soon changed and I wanted to change. I met some amazing people. And like someone said just normal people not what everyone would expect. I went in to that rehab hating myself but not fully prepared to change. I left a new person and have never looked back. I did things I never thought I would achieve. And now have a wonderful family and sober life. Sorry for the long post - but the person really has to want to change to make the change. Until then and I speak from experience the relationship with drink gets darker and darker, normally until something quite bad happens. I wish you all the best of luck

girlintheglass
Thanks for your perspective, it’s good to hear positive experiences, I’m glad you’ve managed to turn your life around for yourself and everyone around you. It must have been hard but it’s truly fantastic to hear. My wife’s recently moved on to Gin, the problem here is that I have a poor sense of smell so I just don’t notice but I did start to notice the change in personality. Obviously there’s now the getting drunk in record time but there’s also the drip feeding throughout the day. I’ve recently begun to think that my wife no longer needs it just to get drunk but probably more just to get by. Whenever I leave the bedroom in the evenings for 5 minutes I can hear her hurriedly rushing about & moving bottles around. She keeps a couple of decoy bottles in show as if to say “look there’s no movement there”
It must be all consuming to keep this charade going. Problem I have is we can’t afford rehab so I’m just waiting for her to change back but it’s unlikely to happen. I’ve told her that one day it will kill her and she just replies that she doesn’t care. I think when the time comes she will.

I wonder what’s happening to “thewayforward “ I feel terrible as I’ve hijacked her post.

I have known many people married to alcoholics who divorced their spouses, and the single most common sentiment from all of them is that they should have left YEARS before they did. The ramifications of raising their children in a home with an alcoholic were disastrous. It doesn't matter if he's not abusive, raising your children in that environment is normalising alcoholism to them. Your children are already at an increased risk of becoming alcoholics, why strengthen those odds?

Oh Dave I truly understand how difficult it must be for you. A lot of the people I was in rehab were funded, although I should imagine that the wait was long. The fact that your wife is putting the decoys out and drinking on the sly she is advanced in her alcoholism but believe me when I say when you are in it, you do actually believe that no one knows what your up too. It's so hard. A family friend of mine lost her husband, kids, and her life last year. Didn't get help and ended up alone. She was only found when people hadn't heard from her in a while and she was dead in her house. So so sad. But life in not sustainable like that. And mores the point it's not enjoyable you just don't realise it until you are out of it. How old are your Kids if you don't mind me asking ? I am thinking of you it's a bloody hard position to be in. And for the poster above neither of my parents were alcoholic, I'm sure there's a strong possibility there are links but not in my case and not in a lot of others. It's just sad all round for the family and for the lady who is doing it. It's not enjoyable it takes you over cxx

Thewayforward ....what about restarting counselling but with a psychologist that has addiction as a specialism? He needs to do a drink diary to establish and see for his own eyes that the drinking is not 'normal'. He may drink because of some inner resolved 'demon' but fixing that won't necessarily heal the drinking issue. He might just like the feeling of being pissed but isn't or can't see the broader damage it's doing to him or himself. If he's done counselling before, go down that route again. Relapse with booze is very very common.

Relapse with booze is common but so are success stories. It can be done xx

girlintheglass
Ive just read your post and it’s terrible about your friend it’s what I fear could happen, it’s so desperately sad. Aquamarine1029 has a valid point, the problem is since I last posted a message my wife’s been more her old self, for a couple of days she appeared to be sober but then it’s all started to slide again, but when it’s good it’s good and it makes me feel wretched for writing about her here, so that’s why I find it hard to make the break, well that’s one reason anyway. I do worry about my kids, they live in a very unhealthy environment, my wife’s always got a bottle by our bed, I used to clear them up but as I mentioned before they are rarely empty and it just causes arguments. I just can’t get her to see how awful it looks. My kids are very aware of what’s going on mainly be because the walls are paper thin and they most probably hear everything despite my best efforts, they are all mid teens(ish) but this has been going on for years and I do worry about how they will view alcohol and relationships later in life. The problem I have is despite all that goes on when I have confronted my wife and on one occasion asked her to leave the kids have come in on my wife’s side, despite all of the anguish and pain its causing they are very protective towards her, that’s why I’m waiting. Don’t get me wrong I’m not marking off the days by any means, if things ever return to normal then I will be elated. I’m very confused, sometimes I think I know what to do and then just as quickly I’m lost. I wasn’t aware that rehab could be funded so I’m going to look into this,
girlintheglass, when you decided to get help did you know that rehab was available? How long did it take to get it organised and paid for ?

It's hard I ended my marriage a year ago. He had been sober mostly for about 10 years but had 1-2 relapses a year. Possibly more I didn't know about.

He was also taking codeine which again I didn't notice so easily.

Frankly I decided I could not live on edge always waiting and wondering for the next relapse and hyper alert to every change in mood.

I am much happier now and much calmer.

bollocksitshappenedagain
Hi is that the reason for your name? I’ve really not thought enough about mine!
I was just thinking about everything before I read your post and I feel that I’ve sort of dipped into my story about mid way, I’m not the best at getting this stuff down and I worry that people will judge my wife and me as a result. In recollection I think my wife’s problem has been about for some 12-15 years or so but in the early days I wasn’t looking for this so I didn’t see it but then it seems it disappeared for a few years possibly before coming back and going again. My wife’s no monster, I’m worried I’ve not said that but when she’s had a drink she’s a different person, I was trying to say above that when there’s no drink involved I’m back with my wife, and things are good but It rarely stays that way for long. One day I think I’m leaving and that’s that but then the next I’m agonising about what would happen if I did. I can’t leave my kids, it’s not their mess to deal with and I certainly don’t want her to die alone because of her addiction, I can’t get that thought out of my head now. I know it’s something I can’t change but I feel a responsibility, it’s such a mess, does anyone here who’s left their partner still know what’s happening to them?

@Dave181

Looking back he always had an issue. However as I never really drank at home it's hard to judge if it's normal or too much. It only becomes clear when they cannot stop.

I had tried to end it a few times but was hard as he was main carer 3 days a week. And before anyone jumps down my head that was not whilst he was drinking and when he has his 'relapses' it was always late at night when I was home. He would always bed and plead not too. And I did have some guilt.

However why I actually ended it was that he did drink while he has the dd's. I finished it that day.

He tried the guilt trip I will be dead I have no where to go I will have to sleep in the car. It didn't happen he went to his mums and is still there.

I know he was drinking a fair bit up until about 4 months after he left. I refused to let him drive the dd anywhere for a while and just got a load of abuse.

But do you know he is an adult. If he had drink himself to death it would not be my fault and I could not carry on the relationship in fear of what he might do. The happiness and wellbeing of everyone else comes first.

Now I don't know if he's drinking . I don't think so but I think because actually he has no responsibilities other than getting himself to work and back. He doesn't having someone expecting him to do housework etc while he had 6 hours to himself at home every day!

Why would you have to leave the kids with your wife? Could you not be primary carer if concerned about the alcohol.

My house is now so much happier and lighter - I did not realised until after he had moved out how much it was affecting my wellbeing.

Dave I don't think your wife sounds like a monster - I think she sounds like someone who has lost control of a situation and cannot see away to break the cycle she is in. Do not worry about people judging your wife or yourself. If it wouldn't be the drinking they would find something else to be judging about - those type of people don't matter a great deal. I was so petrified of what people would think of me When they knew but you know what now all the years on I could shout it from the roof tops and they can judge me all they like. What you have to really hope for is your wife wants a change, she has to want to change to get it all going. Has your wife been to the doctor? Have you made any enquiries about rehab at all I really hope that you can get her some help. Until she's out of it she won't realise how bad it's been and if she's not out of it, it will keep getting worse.

This thread is a real insight, thanks all. It shows the daily anguish of loved ones leashed to a drinker. @Dave181, I empathise I really do. No one judges you; you didn't cause it & you can't cure it. My DS19 is an alcoholic. Our family as a whole are non drinkers; so there's the irony. He is a lovely, warm, highly functional alcoholic with a string of top exam grades about to embark on a uni degree with a high level of public responsibility. I know that anxiety you describe only too well Dave....it is dreadful. Some days when he's dry i pinch myself and I think I've just been dreaming and life's all good. But then I find a stash and whatever trust or goodwill we've had between us just falls like a pack of cards. I cannot divorce my child Dave, but I've been in no doubt in my mind that if I'd been able to I most certainly would have because the toll it's taken on me and my family has been so very hard. Honestly I'd try and get her to the AA Dave. They offer mentorship and support. It's probably the best route.....just go along to an open meeting some miles away from your home, sit, listen and say "pass" when they get to you....the stories that she hears WILL chime with her abuse of alcohol and it might be a good first step. I haven't succeeded for my son. ☹️

Another angle Dave might be to say to your wife that drink unfortunately does and often can prompt a premature death. Sorry, but that is the statistical cruel reality. Say to her that you want all your wills, etc put in good order. Suggest a lasting power of attorney; so you can make health & welfare, financial decisions on her behalf should she become hospitalised and incapable or injured and incapacitated in a car accident. I know this seems cold and hard, but perhaps it might kick her hard up the arse....to see that her loving DH is having to build lifelong contingency plans around her chosen drinking behaviour. Tell her that unfortunately you have to face the reality that drink might leave you as a single parent. She can also agree to a blood test now which picks up markers of chronic drinking .....long term, there's no dodging the result. My DS has had it last year but not told me the result. This too might jolt her.

Chalfontstgiles
Thanks for your comments. I’m was thinking about this all last night as I had a confrontation with my wife earlier in the evening. I feel for your situation I just couldn’t bare it if my kids took the same route. I told my wife yesterday for the umpteenth time that she needs to talk to someone for help but she is adamant. I’ve attempted to go to a meeting in the past and when she found out all hell broke loose, she said if I ever went she would leave me (bizarrely) and she refuses to go herself as she thought it would help me as I mentioned before. Your right about the good times, it’s like I forget everything when there’s a good day until as you say you find it hidden somewhere. bollocksitshappenedagain Suggested I take custody but to be honest I don’t have the money to start again elsewhere and my wife clearly isn’t prepared to budge.
I’m stuck at the moment, I’ve been wanting to tell someone for years about this and it’s great to get some of it out, but now what? I feel like I’m in a bubble relaxed because I’m talking it out but it’s not gone anywhere, it’s all still there to be done. My wife told me last night she wouldn’t go for help, I kept telling her it’s going to come to an end at some point and she still has time to take control but she just tells me nobody can understand how she feels, what’s going on in her head. I’ve been thinking this over for several months now, what’s causing the alcoholism? What started all this off or maybe there’s no reason perhaps it was just something that felt good. With your son, has he told you why? Also what is this blood test about ? I doubt I will be able to get her to go but what does it tell you ?

Dave - my DS struggles to express feelings. That’s his nature. He suffered a series of losses in close proximity including a death. This triggered the drinking initially but now it’s compulsive. Understanding the route cause alone with psychologist is handy but won’t now stop the habit. My son has never questioned me seeking support. But generally a lot of denying alcoholics are sadly very manipulative and don’t want their loved ones having insight to the disease, talking to associates or friends etc or being talked about. Do go along to Al Anon for families of drinkers ; it’s not for her, it’s for you! Do tell trusted friends and get emotional support - I have and it’s saved me slipping into a serious depression myself. Alateen can support your teenagers too; they are at risk Dave, because your wife is seeking to normalise an addiction that is far from normal; needing drink, craving drink, hiding drink, drinking alone and lying is not normal. I have told my son that I won’t enable him, lie for him but I won’t sabotage his life or humiliate him either. It is very important not to criticise a drinkers personality or call them an alcoholic (even though you think it) instead you’ve every right to question the drinking behaviour and refer to alcohol dependency or misuse. Is her addiction physical now? How many units per week roughly? She can get an nhs supported medical detox although the psychological addiction is the long term issue sadly. Bad night for us tonight too...manic then sad 😒

An alcoholic will attempt to manipulate everyone to have an unimpeded route to drink. This is the disease ....it’s not because they’re cruel evil people. Your wife may try to twist matters using your kids. I’ve had my DH buttered up and used, I’ve been used ...the trust has been broken so many times it leaves permanent scars. The only thing that colts heal these now for us would be a rock bottom and him quitting.

The test is called a CDT test - nhs can do it.