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Alcohol support
Alcoholic Grandfather
Edinburghmum86 · 16/04/2019 17:05
My father is a high functioning alcoholic. He drinks and drives. My biggest problem is he takes my son out (2 years old) in the car. He says he has not drank but Im sure I can smell it. I manage to avoid my parents picking him up the majority of the time, but i am having to go back to work and I will have no control over them taking him out in the car whilst they are looking after him. I have told my mother that he is drink driving but she doesn't believe me, or chooses to pretend she doesnt know. I can put him in nursery some of the time but some of the time he is going to be in their care. What can I do to get around this?
StealthPolarBear · 16/04/2019 17:07
You need to not have them look after him. I get it will be inconvenient but that is the only way. And threaten to report him when he drinks and drives in general. Do not put your son in danger.
BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 16/04/2019 17:10
Will your DS need to be in their care because you work shifts or hours that the nursery can't cover? I would do anything to avoid having my child driven by someone who is drunk.
I know that it's a tough choice but if you are sure that your father is drunk driving then the best thing to do is report him so that he gets stopped and breathalysed. Not just in the best interests of your DS, but also in the best interests of every road user that might cross his path.
TheMightyToosh · 16/04/2019 17:16
There really is no way to prevent this other than not letting them have charge of your DS.
Sadly, an alcoholic set on driving will make excuses, 'reason' with themselves (when drunk), hide their drinking, lie to themselves that it's ok, believe themselves that they are fine to drive, haven't had much etc.
And your DM turning a blind eye is not unheard of either. They will believe the lies too, if that's easier than confronting the drinker.
I would say your only option really is to find alternative childcare. And believe me, I know how annoying and saddening that feels, to know you can't trust your child to their grandparent 
Edinburghmum86 · 16/04/2019 18:11
Thanks TheMightyToosh, it hurts even more that they dont care, because my son has a genetic dsorder and has nearly died more than once as it is. I would like to report him but I dont know for sure when he is drink driving, although he probably is. And also i think you need to give your identity if you call the police. Imagine if he got a custodial sentence too and I did that.
Whodafeck · 16/04/2019 18:13
You can’t let them keep your DS, I’m so sorry.
My dad drinks and drives and my mum enabled and excused him.
I couldn’t ever ask them to mind my kids.
Hugs. It’s hard.
TheMightyToosh · 16/04/2019 19:51
If you were to give your DM an ultimatum- they can have DGS only if she does all the driving, might that work?
NerrSnerr · 16/04/2019 20:01
My mum is an alcoholic. Under no circumstances does she care for my children because I can't trust her. Your mum will know he's driving drunk. If you give her an ultimatum that she drives can you trust that she won't just lie to you.
Loopytiles · 16/04/2019 20:05
Vital that you protect your DS by never letting either of them be in sole charge of him. Neither of them can be relied upon to keep him safe.
Loopytiles · 16/04/2019 20:06
Your DM is, sadly, not able/willing to see the problem. So won’t make good judgments about safety.
Edinburghmum86 · 16/04/2019 20:16
Nope my mother wont drive the car anyway. And my dad is very controlling and would just say we were neing ridiculous anyway. They are both very controlling actually. Only this afternoon i asked my mum to watch my son whilst i had a telephone interview AT my home. They both arrived and I said id rather you didnt take him in the car you are making me more anxious than i already am, she said i'll make sure he is strapped in, We are taking him and they left and basically slammed the door in my face. Then got a text 5 mins later saying we have arrived safely at our house 🙄 i was thinking what if i bought a breathiliser?
SoHotADragonRetired · 16/04/2019 20:20
You are trying to control the uncontrollable. A breathalyser won't make the slightest difference, nor will reasoning, begging, or pleading.
Your parents cannot look after your child or be alone with him. Ever. It's that simple. I'm sorry if that is inconvenient and I'm sure it's difficult for you to face, but you MUST step up for your child here.
Have you thought about going to Al-Anon yourself?
Edinburghmum86 · 16/04/2019 20:23
Why would I need to go to Al anon I dont drink?
hiphopapotamuses · 16/04/2019 20:26
You need to report him, I think you can do this anonymously. Aside from the horrifying risks to your child what about other road users? What if you didn't report him and he hit someone else? Or had an accident and hurt himself terribly.
My dad was a functioning alcoholic and used to drive us around drunk, I couldn't let him have my children even now he no longer drinks because I just can't trust him.
Loopytiles · 16/04/2019 20:26
You don’t seem to be seeing that you can’r change or control their actions. All you can do is set boundaries for yourself and your DC.
A sensible one would be thay they don’t have sole charge of your DC.
Al Anon could help with things like this.
SoHotADragonRetired · 16/04/2019 20:26
Al-Anon is for families and loved ones of alcoholics. It's different from Alcoholics Anonymous which is for the alcoholics themselves.
I mention it because you're still a) thinking that you can control your parents' behaviour and b) minimising the risk you're running by letting them drive your child. I think you would benefit from having the support of Al-Anon.
www.al-anonuk.org.uk
Loopytiles · 16/04/2019 20:27
Sometimes DC of an alcoholic have fear, obligation and guilt, and prioritise the alcoholic/enablers’ feelings over all else.
You have done this by allowing them to care for your DS, and to drive him.
PersonaNonGarter · 16/04/2019 20:34
OP, you have been conditioned by your parents to minimise the risks here, but you need support to stand your ground on this.
It is basic safety. Don’t drink and drive. You know they won’t respect this. Would you leave your DC at a nursery that disregarded basic safety? Of course not.
You have not asserted yourself as parent of your own child. That story of taking your child away would make most parents angry. Why are you putting up with this?
Definitely try al-anon.
Edinburghmum86 · 16/04/2019 20:42
You are all so right. I am beyond furious at it all. I just cannot seem to muster up the courage to address it properly, they will say im being ridiculous and im lying because i cant prove it.
SoHotADragonRetired · 16/04/2019 20:48
But they will never agree with you though. Their entire world view is built on the foundation stone that your dad does not have a drinking problem, and they will violently attack and resist anyone who tries to convince them that he does.
I do know that it's hard when it's your parents, but you have to give up on the idea that they will ever, ever say "you're right, I'm sorry, dad drinks too much, I'm going to cut down and stop driving". And if your dad DID say those things, you wouldn't be able to trust him, because he's an addict and addicts lie to protect their addiction.
It is a hard truth but your dad loves alcohol more than he loves you or your DS. Your son is a child and you are all he has to protect him. You must put him first and learn not to give a shit what your parents think or say - they are not safe or trustworthy and therefore they do not get to be alone with your child or drive him, ever.
Loopytiles · 16/04/2019 21:09
They probably won’t see it, or make changes. Very sad.
You can and must get up the courage to make other childcare arrangements.
You could either tell them the truth about why and encourage them both to seek help, or, if you just can’t face doing that at the moment, fudge it.
Edinburghmum86 · 16/04/2019 21:41
Sorry, In my original post it sounds as if I heavily rely on them for child care. I actually dont, even though they like to think I need them. I dont at all. In fact they cause me more anxiety than I already have with a seriously ill child. Its more the case of we are coming in the car and going out with him. And if I said no im not happy because I dont know if dad has been drinking or not, it will be I am being crazy as usual, ridiculous and its a baseless acusation.
Im just going to have to say they can't take him out in the car. At all. Which is making me feel sick with anxiety and the huge strop they will have will be the worst. But what can I do.
PersonaNonGarter · 16/04/2019 21:47
I really feel for you. You should get your DP to stand firm against them too. It’s easier when there are two of you. (But ultimately you need to be able to stand up to them on your own).
This is a matter of priorities and you just need to focus completely on your own responsibilities as a parent.
Edinburghmum86 · 16/04/2019 21:54
If you hadn't guessed I dont have a particularly healthy relationship with them. Like they love me, have provided financial support at times in the past and even forgiven me after I had addiction issues in my younger years. So i feel like I owe them alot. However they extremely dismissive and controlling and use strops and guilt trips to get what they want. All complicated stuff. But what I need to do is obviously clear.
7Days · 16/04/2019 21:58
That's why Al Anon would be helpful for you.
It's not normal, but it's hard to see the wood from the trees when in the thick of it.
They can help with that.
StayingWithAuntySue · 16/04/2019 22:16
It doesn't matter that you had help from them for addiction in the past etc
You don't have to 'pay' for that , that's over, this is now. So hard for you to stand up to them as you are conditioned, will take all your courage, but you can do it OP
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