I'm an alcoholic and I'm terrified

[desperateforchange]

I've been trying really hard to stop drinking, I binge drink and when I do it's a lot. Last night was a prime example where I downed 2 bottles of wine, a small vodka and 3 guns. All while my children were up, I was trashed by 5pm and ended up getting cocaine which I don't remember doing. My friend was here and I was rude to her kids, had a panic attack and she left. I continued to get wasted while the kids were in bed. I can't tell my parents as they think I have stopped, I have gone to my local alcohol support group, I have counselling, I am on the right meds and am supposed to be stable. There is a lot going on in my life, very stressful situation with my ex but that's no excuse. I feel sick and ashamed and I'm desperate to stop drinking but I dont know how. I did it for 9 months last year, but I just can't seem to get back there. I just hate myself so much and drinking takes away the pain and hurt. I'm lucky nothing happened and my friend was here to help and I love my children to death and would be destroyed if I lost them. Everything is such a mess and I just don't know if my life is worth living.

Knowing your children deserve better isn't any consolation for what they are experiencing right now with an alcoholic mother.

You said you can't remember taking the coke which means you spent part of the evening in an alcoholic blackout. This in turn means you might as well have been half way across the world for all the help you could have offered your children if they were ill or there was an emergency.

You need a wake up call op. If I had left a friend in the state you were in with two young children in the house I would have called SS to ensure their safety.

The fact that you've stopped for long periods before and that you have identified your own triggers seems positive to me. Boredom should be fairly easy to tackle, so work on reducing and avoiding stress.

As @MrsBobDylan said, if I had had to leave somebody alone in that state with 2 DCs I would have been obligated to call social services
I have never called social services or reported anyone in my life, by the way, and know plenty who drink a lot, sniff, and smoke drugs (weed). I have friends who are alcohol dependent who drink nowhere near that much. I don't cut people off because of it, I will do anything to help I can. But ultimately it would be my civil and moral duty to report somebody in major blackout like that, because if I didn't and God forbid something happened that would be partly my responsibility. Also, friendship has a limit. I would rather know I had done right by your kids than you.
You will end up without your friends around you and kids in care or with Ex if you are not careful. If I was you I would be throwing myself at any service, the GP etc. In order to get some help, and actually screw the consequences. I would rather my kids were happy, safe, well cared for than with me if I couldn't make sure they were happy safe and well. At this point social services if they do get involved would be asking you to get help and show the help you are getting. So pre-empt it and do what they'd ask before they get involved, or even if they do.
There are worst things than social services. Imagine what would have happened if you had had an emergency like a house fire, it doesn't bare thinking about.

Heya OP! It's hard for you to even talk about it and you sound like you are giving yourself a really hard time today.

First step is the step you're taking. No-one ever climbed the steps first time to the top. Of course you're gonna go back and forth. you are an alcoholic for life. It doesn't go away. You can be drink tree for years and still need to go to meetings or seek help. There's no automatic cure unfortunately for the mass of people who suffer from either or both.

You're definitely not a bad person and you sound like you love your children very much. With mental health and alcoholism as I'm sure you know, you need to review your coping strategies on a regular basis. What works for 6 months maybe won't work the next 6. Look and see what makes you feel good and safe then change it up before you start noticing it slip. Whenever you feel like a drink, phone someone or go for a walk or clean a bit of the house. Just whatever works for you!!

Sending you lots of good vibes and love today! 💜 And to the people giving her a hard time, she's awake she's made a mistake. No point flogging her too. It's easier to have hindsight sometimes.

If you love your dc anything like as much as you state you should consider letting your dc be looked after by your ex at present. Unless he is also a substance misuser on a level with yourself.
You cannot parent safely or effectively while managing your substance misuse and potential mental health issues.
When your issues are under control you could restart parenting responsibilities but while they are unmanaged you are putting your dc at significant risk.

MrsRyanGosling15 Also work in a professional capacity with alcoholics and drug users.
It's just not helpful to berate someone who is aware and painfully so, of what they have done. She knows she's out of control and wants help. A bit of compassion works as well

Whilst I appreciate what I did was shocking, it was a one time event, I have t done it before and I won't be doing it again. I don't feel one bad (very bad) incident, where I wasn't alone in charge means I should have my children removed. If it was a regular occurrence then yes I'd agree, if it was my friend I'd offer support but I would report her if it kept happening. I'm thankful that she is standing by me and is going to help me and encourage me and do things with me. If everyone judged and scorned me like some of you I'd spiral into an even deeper mess. I dont want to be like this, I made a mistake and I'm asking for help and taking steps to change my life and be the best mum I can for my children. Their dad smokes weed and drinks like a fish daily so he's not perfect either- the kids also dont want to be with him so I need to change so they can stay.

How old are your children?

Well done for reaching out, that’s a really positive step, I think the next step is to realise the severity of your problem. A lot of people would not survive that volume of alcohol in one go. It takes rock bottom usually for someone to stop and you are very close, if you lose your kids you will have hit rock bottom so consider yourself very lucky in that you have another chance don’t wait until you lose everything and only have the drink! fight now for the life you still have.

You sound a lot calmer today which is good. I come at this from a background of working in child protection where I have seen continuous minimizing by substance misusing parents and the long term impact this has on their dc. It was also why I qualified about your ex as substance misusers often get together or develop habits together. I hope you are able to put in the hard work necessary and seek the additional support you need.

You say it’s a one time event and you haven’t done it before but then that you can’t tell your parents because they think you have stopped, also the level of alcohol you managed was a lot more than an average person could tolerate in one go so I would think you have built up quite a tolerance. As a mother you must realise how much you would want to be able to support your own children in this situation so I would strongly advise you get that from your parents as they know you best and care for you and your children and would not want you to go through this alone. It’s a lot more than just not putting down the drink.

OP take a deep breath. You've taken a stumble backwards, that is ok, that happens with recovery. What you need to do now, is take a step forward. Just one small one, which can start right now.

Stress and boredome is your trigger, being busy will be your coping mechanism.

Why not sit down and write a list of a few "busy things" you could do when you feel stressed or bored, things like;

Declutter kitchen cupboards
Empty and declutter draws in house
Pull out the sofas and vacuum behind them.
Start to create a scrap book of photos of you and the children.

Anything that will keep you both mentally and physically engaged.

It's ok to take a step back, but you must now take that new step forward.

I don't think the finger pointing and berating Is helpful. This woman is desperately reaching out for help and has actually been painfully honest. Addiction isn't rational. You've been given another chance. Your life is still in tact. Do something, anything to change today. Life will probably be pretty boring for a while. Don't take this the wrong way but you can't trust yourself at the minute around alcohol. Remove all traces from your home and tell your trusted friends and family you don't drink. Get some support. Any. You will need it. One day at a time. The longer you've been sober the better you'll feel. I wish you the best of luck. Many many people have gotten sober. It's achievable.

But your friend left so you were alone with the children , how would your children cope if they found you intoxicated or if either they or you became unwell? You aren't saying how old they are as I suspect they are very young if your son is totally oblivious . Can you not admit to your parents that you are struggling ?

Read the naked mind you can download it quite cheaply from eBay

Those who are berating the op and saying her children should go into care need to realise this is more common than you think.

A lot of my friends from there conversations over the years have been in ops position. Yet now don’t drink at all.
In the years I have known them I have never seen them drink.
Yet they have raised fully functioning adult children.

I have been in care and it isn’t the answer.
I think if the choice was between a loving mother who was trying to stay sober and being in care I know which one I would pick.

@Oliversmumsarmy who says they need to be in care?
Is that all you think social services do?
Also, I would never dream of not getting help because I was worried about social services. In fact I have had to deal with social services after getting help for other issues, but I would never let the fear of them get in the way.
I know quite a few people for whom a referral to social services was the wake up call they needed (sometimes after a hospital visit or crisis)

ShabbyAbby

It was in reply to all those who think the dc should be away from the op.

I hope you are feeling much better today. Things can get better if you want to. I'm 5 years in now, I don't go to AA it wasn't my thing I just made a choice. I'm so much happier now I don't carry round the guilt and wake up hating myself. Or frightened to find out what I might of done / said.
You explained your story on here and some people felt the need to judge you harshly, don't worry about the things they said, take it on the chin and move on, never look back and become the best version of you that you can be. People can change, people make mistakes you just got get up, dust yourself off and move forward. Wishing you all the luck in the world. You got this

I know this was posted a long time ago but just came across it. Did you overcome this or are you still struggling x

hello - I got therapy for the same problem. - the only way to stop is to find out why you are drinking in the first place - there will be a reason. I stopped nearly 2 years ago - I have three young children. I got fed up with hating myself every Sunday.... until happy hour on Thursday. please read "the joy of being sober' and Sober Curious and have a look at my blog,
www.drunkmummysobermummy.com

you don't have to go to AA but you do need to know that you are worthy of help - just because you might not be drunk alone before school drop off - doesn't mean your problem isn't big.

i did it and so can you x

As a grown up child of a mother who was an alcoholic please stop.

My mum only stopped drinking when she hurt herself for the hundereth time and had to stay in hospital/have surgery and so didn't have access to get drink. She only hasn't started drinking again because it triggered something called ataxia and she is permanently disabled.

I have worked really hard on trying to forgive her and everything she did when I was a child but two of my siblings have no relationship with her and it has affected me so much as an adult.

Please stop before you permanently ruin yours and your childrens lives

Speak to your local drug & alcohol support service. The amount you are drinking is harmful, by going to the service they will help you to explore the reasons why you drink, your triggers & help you find strategies to change your mindset on alcohol. I lost my partner to alcoholism 5 years ago, he was only 34 & his death was frankly a waste of a life, dying of cirrhosis is a horrible way to die. Thankfully if you can stop drinking your chances of recovery are good, you have realised you have a problem & there is no shame in seeking help to deal with it.

I know you are looking for sympathy here and you say you love your kids but are making excuses about your ex husband. You obviously need help to sort your self out.
You definitely owe it to you kids. Perhaps your ex should have them for a while.

I'm 3 years clean myself, I wasn't a daily drinker, more of a binge drinker, could leave it alone for ages but I couldn't just have one drink, once I started I drank until I passed out. I don't miss the lost nights, the hangovers, the feeling of shame one bit.