I'm an alcoholic and I'm terrified

[desperateforchange]

I've been trying really hard to stop drinking, I binge drink and when I do it's a lot. Last night was a prime example where I downed 2 bottles of wine, a small vodka and 3 guns. All while my children were up, I was trashed by 5pm and ended up getting cocaine which I don't remember doing. My friend was here and I was rude to her kids, had a panic attack and she left. I continued to get wasted while the kids were in bed. I can't tell my parents as they think I have stopped, I have gone to my local alcohol support group, I have counselling, I am on the right meds and am supposed to be stable. There is a lot going on in my life, very stressful situation with my ex but that's no excuse. I feel sick and ashamed and I'm desperate to stop drinking but I dont know how. I did it for 9 months last year, but I just can't seem to get back there. I just hate myself so much and drinking takes away the pain and hurt. I'm lucky nothing happened and my friend was here to help and I love my children to death and would be destroyed if I lost them. Everything is such a mess and I just don't know if my life is worth living.

This lady has significant issues that need professional help and half the posters here are just wagging the finger of judgement. You clearly all know nothing about addiction or alcoholism. Telling someone to stop it is just quite ridiculous. If she could she would. The difficulty is finding the method that works. Not an easy fix but can be done. OP Well done for reaching out, keep all your contacts of help and I hope you find your way out soon. Your friend sounds a good one

Telling somebody to just stop immediately couple also be very dangerous. Depending on levels and how long OP has been drinking she may need a structured drink down plan.
Stopping abruptly can lead to alcohol withdrawal induced seizures.

Do you know what your triggers are.

I have a few friends who have been through this.
For some it is stress and for others it is the company they keep.

It sounds like stress is your trigger.
Could you get therapy to help deal with the stress and stop any contact other than about the children’s contact with their father.

If you have stopped for 9 months you can do it again.
Don’t cut down I think you have to stop.
A friend tried the cut down method. Limiting to 2 glasses of wine each evening but it slowly crept back up.

The only way my friends found was to get rid of all alcohol and not drink.
Take it one day at a time.
In the morning saying to yourself today I am not going to drink today (or take any mind altering drugs) Then planning your day so there is no time for alcohol.
If you know you are susceptible in the mornings to drinking have a glass of juice already in the fridge.
Have loads of juice and waters in the house.
Never think when offered a glass it will just be the one because that one opens the door to a second and you get the taste back.

Also be prepared for the effect not drinking can have on your body in the short term.

Wishing you well. You can do it

How old are your children?

Please stop telling the OP to just stop. She needs to seek help, advice and support.
We do not know how much she is drinking.

I have contacted them already and go to the group they advised. No I don't drink daily. I' just can't do moderation.

Well done on doing that. Do they not offer one to one sessions? I know most people prefer these and find they work better.

Re-read what you have wrote and really take it in. You are crying out for a change and only you have the power. Your desire to not drink needs to be greater. Think of your little ones and dig deep for the courage. This is not beyond you. You just need to make the first step and the rest will follow.

I haven't changed my username? I only joined today? I know I'm appalling, I'm trying as hard as I can and if I could just stop I would. I need some help, I know what I did was inexcusable, no one is judging me more than myself. I need help not judgement, unless you have been there you can't possibly understand.

You poor thing, you recognise you need help which is great. Are your children old enough to realise what you are doing?

Well done OP for reaching out and wanting change. And now its time to match your intention with action. GP, AA, friends, family can support you. You don't want to lose your kids - it's so clear so action time. Keep posting on here, keep talking and you can do this. Have you set your intention not to drink today?

Talk to your parents or a trusted friend - can you start with not having alcohol in the house (I'm guessing you drink at home) as that helps you to not start drinking. Tell friends not to bring it to your house. Is it a case of not knowing when to stop or do you crave constantly? Your doctor can help with medication to reduce cravings but it's will power that you really need - aa or similar really helps people especially the sponsor system.

But wishing you well, I've lost friends to alcoholism, it horrible but you can do it, even if comes down to someone taking care of your money so you cannot buy alcohol. Do it for your kids, the care system isn't as good as a sober mother. Take care

I think my daughter knows something is up but my son is oblivious.

I just want to be normal and happy. My children are my life and I want to do it for them, they deserve a better mummy. I'm just scared I'll fail again.

The fact you can go days without drinking means that you have to recognise what makes you take that first drink when you do drink.

The trick is to bypass that trigger and not put yourself in that position.

Yesterday before you took that first drink could you instead of pouring the drink could you get the dc ready and go swimming or for a walk or anything outside the house. Making the day about your children and not about you. So you don’t think or get the opportunity to drink.
When the dc are in bed do a load of cooking, do a yoga/exercise video, sort your finances out, deep clean the oven, paint the living room. Just anything to keep busy until the time has passed.
(Friend repainted her house within a month of going sober.)

Not a clue how much you spent on the booze and coke you had yesterday but if you are doing that only 1/2 as much even weekly you could probably save enough to go on a nice holiday abroad every year, spend money on ecas for the children.

Stress is my trigger, and so is boredom. I need to keep busy and out of the house. I have been talking to my friend and she has said to look forward not back, call her if I want a drink, focus on my kids and get back to eating better and running and looking after myself. I can do this, I've done it before, I'm just cross that I've put myself back again!

I can understand why you dont like AA ,yes it is very religious, which is why my son wont go to AA, but he is getting any help he can, and talks to me about it,he doesnt hide the fact,
I am hoping he gets into detox and then maybe rehab, it doesnt always work the first time, but you have to keep trying for your childrens sake,
If you lose your children to their father you are going to feel even worse,so keep that in your mind
Are you on any meds for depression etc, please speak to your Dr

Op I get that this is really hard for you but the children are the victims in this and need to be prioritised over your own needs and emotions. You can't have your children whilst intoxicated and doing cocaine . How old are they? I think you need to do what's best and ask family or ex to be primary carer for the kids whilst you are in this state. You need to work on you , if the police found out about this your kids would be removed from your care, you covering it up is much worse than being honest and saying you need support to kick this. You have no insight at all saying your kids are fine and your a good mum, your children are at serious risk , you don't even remember doing cocaine ffs

Your friend is right. Start planning even if it is just meal planning or an exercise regime Decide on a list of things you want to get or do in the future from the money you will save.

Spend time helping your children with homework.

And get help with dealing with your stress response

You can do this.

If you do want to try AA again then why not call the helpline for them they can arrange for someone to go with you for the first few meetings for support it might help you having someone go with you x

I don’t think giving your dc to your ex will do anything other than make you go into a downward spiral.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life and whilst your dc are awake they have to be number one. When they are asleep it is for you to make sure they are prepared for the following day and then put yourself as number one and work on yourself.

I would really doubt that. What you drank is absolutely shocking. As the child of an alcoholic I can't begin to tell you the damage you are doing. Tell your GP, your parents, social services. It really doesn't matter what you feel about losing your kids. They 100% do not deserve to be cared for by a mother under the influence of drink and drugs. Being a good mother is putting your children 1st and that is what you need to do. I doubt you will though. I wouldn't wish an alcoholic parent on anyone.
Really not helpful. I was the same as the OP and, although now dry for many years, I spend nearly every day feeling like shit for what I put my eldest dd through. You don't actively choose to act like this - and I am so sorry you went through it as a child, but we know, believe or not, that we are shit and the OP has reached out for help not something that will make her feel even worse (if that is possible)

Lepetitpiggy
I really don't see how it isn't helpful. The children need removed from this situation asap. They didn't ask for it and they don't deserve to live in this environment. That is reality. She is saying she is a good mum and loves them, then she needs to get them safe before she can sort herself out. I know more about alcoholism, both personally and professionally than I ever wanted too. Those children are the 1st priority.

Been there done that, it's shit, you want to be better, you love your kids to death but even that can't stop you. It's up to you to act NOW before the worst happens. One drunken night doesn't mean your children should be removed but if it keeps happening then maybe they need some temporary care while you get better and have a period of sobriety? If you think you won't do it again, put it behind you, make plans, move on and don't look back. It will get better but you have to want it and put in the work xx

A health emergency caused by 15 years + off drinking 1-2 bottles of wine a day everyday where I nearly died was what it took to stop me. I am now living with PTSD due to this event. I have never touched it since. I always thought I could get away with living recklessly.Was always a great idea at the time. Turned out I was wrong.