Can anyone tell me about end stage alcoholism?

[EmmaGemma]

My dad is an alcoholic and has lost almost everything. His marriage, business, money, house, self respect, friends.

There's been a massive physical decline in the last few weeks and he's no longer washing so absolutley stinks as does his flat. I think he's spending his days drunk and wetting himself. He just doesn't care. I've been reading about the final stages of alcoholism and the 'don't care' attitude seems to be part of it. Can any of you tell me what else to expect and how long it might be?

I'm worried about him but I live far away and really don't have much of a relationship with him. He's very difficult now and often acts like a child. However, I do want to help. He's had rehab and all that but doesn't want it. Theres no point getting social services involved as he wont let anyone in. Between drinking sessions he's surprisingly lucid. But he's like a walking hazard. I have visions of him falling down stairs, causing a fire when he cooks (he was frying chips the other day) or having a massive internal bleed and no one being there. The only thing I can do is try and keep his home clean but it's really awful. It's carpeted and I think he's just peeing and vomiting everywhere. It's rented so I can't take the carpets up.

Has anyone been around someone like this? What do I do?

I’m really sad hearing these stories of what we have been through/are going through. Wishing you all strength.

I don't think anyone starts out drinking, experimenting with drugs, gambling, taking painkillers with the intention of becoming addicted to them physically or mentally. They all do terrible harm to people and everyone suffers, it's very sad.

My mum is one of 9 and quite a few of her siblings were alcoholics, as was my great grandad , and sadly my younger brother.

Chessywotnot it's sad there is not enough help for the families of alcoholics. There is loads for cancer and other illnesses but alcohol you feel ashamed. This is why people need to talk without shame and tell people the reality of it. I used to lied about how much dad died at a young age. On his death certificate it has "chronic alcohol induced liver failure". There would be the occasion I would talk about it to say boyfriends and it's clear people are uncomfortable and think I'm airing my dirty laundry and they didn't want to know. Of course if you have no experience you have no idea what it's like, it just seems dire and grotty.

When I was young my mother, myself and brother visited our paternal grandparents on Boxing Day our father had been removed from the house by via interim interdict on the 22/12. My grandparents though we would enjoy sitting though a video of my very middle class cousins having a perfect Christmas. I couldn't believe how stupid and insensitive adults can be.

Neweternal. Some people are idiots.

Zulor I can't speak to him when he's drunk but when he's sober I can. He just looks vacant and makes the right noises. Our history is very different though. He is a very aggressive man but seems to hold it in more these days.

Seeing as this is the alcohol support thread I hope people who have a drink problem are reading this. This is what you do to your families and this is how it may well end for you. It's not pretty.

Everyone remarked how strong I was on his passing. Don't get me wrong, I missed him, he still made me laugh and I know he loved me but the truth was I'd completed my grieving slowly over many many years. It was a slow process since childhood 😔. By the time it came, I'd lived it many times over

This x a million. The end is such a relief

You're not alone OP.

We've had several suicide attempts this year. I'd forgotten about those. It just becomes normal. "you want to die again. Oh right o"

^^ so much this.

My F isn't as bad as yours but I still sound like a cold hearted cow when I talk about him. He's caused untold misery and stress on an otherwise happy family. Like a succubus sent from hell to drain us of all our empathy.

There's no space for anyone else in the family to be ill as he consumes all that space. It's not a disease, it's selfishness through and through.

This is a useful thread tho, thank you

I love the description succubus. Admittedly I had to look it up but you're so right.

Interesting I think my father might have been slightly on the spectrum. Genuine question is this kind of addiction often related to a "personality disorder" of some sort? I mean these people get every possible help yet they choose booze.

I think so, narcissistic personality disorder often I'd say. They drink to boost themselves up and give themselves confidence. Then they talk a lot and maybe become aggressive. Because they lack empathy they are oblivious to the effects this has on family members, even their own children. Based on a close family member of mine.

Wondering, if he is so clearly unwell and unpleasant to be near, how does he obtain his alcohol? Also, how does he fund it?

He has money and walks to the shop and buys it. He's well enough to walk to the shop but chooses not to clean himself or the hovel he lives in.

Hi,

I am in exactly the same situation. My dad is defecating and sleeping in it, drinking permanently and not keeping himself clean. He says he wants to get better and has done rehab 5 times but starts drinking every time he comes out. I feel I am waiting for him to die.

I truly sympathise and it I can be of any help please contact me directly.

I think key end of life signals are big reduction in eating, weight loss and withdrawal. A reduction in any ringing or contact they were having.

Been reading this all with interest, sadness and understanding.

My dad is constantly drinking now and his relationship with the whole family has disintegrated. He's lost a lot of weight, doesn't wash and seems to have completely lost interest in life.

My brothers and I feel completely helpless and don't know what to do. My mum and him have a dysfunctional relationship where she enables him.

It's such a mess and so stressful and sometimes I wish it was over so we could all have some peace. But I also still love my dad.

Tried rehab, AA, counselling - none have worked to date.

Wish had magic wand to get rid of the alcoholism and get my dad back

Wish had magic wand to get rid of the alcoholism and get my dad back

This - so much this.

to everyone on this thread who has gone through / is going through the pain of dealing with another’s alcoholism. I’ve been there.

It sounds as though he should not be on his own. Can you move him in with you? Or at least somewhere very close to you so you can see him every day? He may be feeling depressed as well as physically awful, so having people around him may help massively with that.

It is so sad to read everyone’s stories. Sadly I have nothing useful to add but for everyone experiencing such painful situations and wishing you strength OP.

Can you move him in with you?

Are you crazy? Have you ever done this with an alcoholic? This is the last thing you should be suggesting. Read the OP again and then decide whether she should be cleaning up after his incontinence and putting her own home at risk of burning down.
Unless you’ve lived with an end-stage alcoholic, you’ve got NO idea. And if you have, why would you want someone else to go through it?
Shaking my head ...

Hope you’re still here OP?

I work in nursing and have a lot to do with Hepatology patients

I know you mentioned he’d already had plenty of admissions before but who took him to hospital on those occasions?
I was going to suggest ringing an ambulance and have him taken into hospital. The ambulance crew would raise a SOVA (safeguarding of vulnerable adults) due to the state of his house and the fact he’s quite clearly self neglecting. He would be detoxed in hospital (again) but as he’s in such a state, after assessing him the psych team might class him as not having capacity meaning discharge planning would have to look into finding him care (be it at home or residential)

As for what it’s like for patients - it has completely changed my attitude towards alcohol. I’ve never been a huge drinker and am a massive lightweight anyway but after seeing what alcohol does, and how easy it causes damage, it has completely changed my mind set.

If he’s at the stage of not caring about soiling himself it’s very hard to get back from that. He will have some liver damage for sure but obviously I don’t know how much. If it’s bad enough then some patients end up on the transplant list but some don’t. If they think he’d survive it then he has a higher chance of getting on the list, if not then it’s pretty much make him as medically comfortable as they can. If he needs a transplant then he would have to work with the medical team and stop drinking, if not they’d remove him.

I am shocked that he isn’t yet yellow.
Is he confused? If so get him to hospital ASAP. He’d be lacking capacity and it’s a lot easier to find someone care when they don’t have capacity than it is when they do!

I won’t say too much medical wise as I don’t know your father so I wouldn’t want to scare you.

There is an organisation called Al-Anon for the friends and family of addicts. I believe it is affiliated with the AA. You can go there for support/venting for free - I've heard people describe it as a bit of a lifeline.

Have you considered contacting the Salvation Army? I've heard that their rehab programme has worked for some people even when all hope seems to be lost. I know you've said he's been in rehab several times, but maybe the Salvation Army's is different.

I'm so sorry for everyone who has to witness this chaos in a loved one.

Kenny, your experience will I am quite sure have been truly shocking and your desire to help is fantastic but surely a) an ambulance is not a taxi: she would have to say what the current emergency was that would warrant an ambulance coming. B) if an ambulance does come and he’s sober then he will just send them away c) she has already says he has capacity when sober so as soon as he sobered up he will just walk d) self-neglect in someone with capacity is no longer a safeguarding issue (I believe from my own work experience). My feeling is that some people just can’t be helped: alcohol dependency is a terrible thing.

Hi. Is there an update. How is your dad?

My dad is exactly the same. Been drinking heavy for 40 years. He was a very successful business man. Hes lost his job, wife wants to leave him etc.

He has been in and out hospital several times this year. Has liver scarring, brain shrinkage, had a seizure in hospital and can barely walk now. He lays in bed 90% of the time. Doesnt really eat, only drinks his wine, soils himself. Past 6 weeks he hasnt showered and I can't just can't believe how bad he has gotten.

He refuses help. Doesnt want care, or hospital and would never go into a care him without a fight.

Heartbreaking but at 61 there is only so much his body can take

X

Hi yes how is your dad getting on ? How is everyone’s loved ones getting on ?
It’s heartbreaking to read all the above. Alcoholism is such a tragic all consuming disease. I think sometimes the way we treat it can make things worse :-(. It’s almost as if we punish the sufferer - we don’t mean to but we’re left at times with no choice but to walk away from them.

For example in some rehabs if the alcoholic relapses they get kicked out. It’s seen as a failure if someone with sobriety drinks even once :-(. I think it’s that mentality that make the illness worse for the sufferer. If we get a relapse with any other disease the reaction if completely different :-(.

My dad was a chronic alcoholic he drank moderately during his younger years then his marriage to my mum broke up, he did marry again and have more children but that also failed - he started to drink heavily daily. His second marriage failed inevitably. He lost his job he was a successful civil servant quite high up I remember.
Without his job and family (parents lived three hundred miles away) he slowly got worse and worse- this was pre internet so no on line support. He lived in a shared house with other alcoholics.
I’m not sure what meds they put him on but
He was never offered any real treatment/rehab. He went from being handsome and well groomed to wearing the same smelly clothes, hair turned grey, weight dropped off. He was also yellowish towards the end.

I think now the medications and approach to treatment is slightly better but it believe we have a long way to go and it can only
Improve to save lives.