Can anyone tell me about end stage alcoholism?

[EmmaGemma]

My dad is an alcoholic and has lost almost everything. His marriage, business, money, house, self respect, friends.

There's been a massive physical decline in the last few weeks and he's no longer washing so absolutley stinks as does his flat. I think he's spending his days drunk and wetting himself. He just doesn't care. I've been reading about the final stages of alcoholism and the 'don't care' attitude seems to be part of it. Can any of you tell me what else to expect and how long it might be?

I'm worried about him but I live far away and really don't have much of a relationship with him. He's very difficult now and often acts like a child. However, I do want to help. He's had rehab and all that but doesn't want it. Theres no point getting social services involved as he wont let anyone in. Between drinking sessions he's surprisingly lucid. But he's like a walking hazard. I have visions of him falling down stairs, causing a fire when he cooks (he was frying chips the other day) or having a massive internal bleed and no one being there. The only thing I can do is try and keep his home clean but it's really awful. It's carpeted and I think he's just peeing and vomiting everywhere. It's rented so I can't take the carpets up.

Has anyone been around someone like this? What do I do?

I don't think they would admit him as he doesn't have a clinical need of you know what I mean. He just needs to stop drinking. If he were ill, as in yellow or struggling to breath or something I would take him. He is privately renting but owns another property he rents out to a relative (long story). The property is for sale but as he owns something I don't think SS would help him. He doesn't have any cash to pay for a home so he's in a catch 22.,i don't think a care home is quite what he needs. He can physically wash himself, he even cooks sometimes, he's just choosing not too.

Is he in pain?

I wonder why it's called an illness? That one always gets me. Heroin addicts are addicts, crack addicts are addicts, valium addicts are addicts but alcohol addicts have a disease apparently. It annoys me as it almost implies the person has no will over it. Not feeling the love right now.

Moormummy sorry to hear that. How awful to be taken from your mum just because of drink.

We've had several suicide attempts this year. I'd forgotten about those. It just becomes normal. "you want to die again. Oh right o".

If he can wash himself, it means he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, liver failure will affect every other organ, so the end can be quite sudden. Is he a smoker?

@Zulor. He never mentions pain. But seeing as he spends most of his time drink maybe he doesn't know. Is that a sign of something?

No he's not a smoker.

And he can wash himself but he won't.

Of course he wants to die. Nobody would want to live like that.

Then why not just end it. I've lost count of the number of fake overdoses we've dealt with.

No, it means he's probably not yet at end stage if there's no pain. Usually ascites kicks in when undernourished and the kidneys fail. That is really painful. Where there's life, there's hope. I wouldn't write him off just yet.

It's funny how the body doesn't die when we want it to.

@EmmaGemma as others have said, everyone differs so it's impossible to tell.. I remember my dad did get quite forgetful. It's a bit like Alzheimer's in that sometimes they are completely lucid and other times they can't remember something you have just spoken about. I remember my df upsetting my ds when we walked into the pub one day to meet him, he kept calling him by my cousin's name. My ds couldn't understand why his grandad couldn't get his name right 😔. And it is very frustrating. You mourn for the person they once were before alcohol 'took' them as it were. The fact that you are not wanting it to be long unfortunately shows it's at a later stage in the illness though. I felt guilty when my df passed, a sort of sense of relief/release... he was never going to get better, he'd passed that stage, I'd just had a baby and was worried how I'd cope 😔.

I'd been enabling him by dropping off booze (I had to stop in the later stages of my pregnancy) because I was worried he'd have a fit if I didn't, or collapse trying to cart it back. I'd had SS involved but my df although he agreed to have a shower fitted so he could wash more easily, refused to move. They were keen to maintain his independence, so unless they are willing to do something/accept help, there's not a lot you can do.

Going through something painfully similar with my mother.

Not washing, vomit, shit and piss everywhere. She makes my skin crawl.

I just wish she would die and put an end to this misery for everyone. Drink is the only thing she loves or cares about. I've given up hope now, she is a chronic alcohol and she will eventually drink herself to death.

No matter how much you're drinking, you will know pain. It's good that he's not in pain. He might yet turn his life around.

We lost my FIL this year due to alcoholism. He had liver failure. Docs were unable to do anything to help his liver recover. He wanted no help either so it was decided he would go in to a home for end of life care. He was in there a month before he died having spent a month previous in hospital. We could not get him to stop drinking. No one could. He would not engage with any services. He'd been an alcoholic for years.Happy to chat privately if you like .

Its not that quick a death as the liver can regenerate itself. It's terrible for families. I remember I found my Dad drunk on the street and injured when I was 13. An ambulance had already been called by the time I happened to pass. I got to the hospital and the nurse said"he's here all the time is there not something you can do about him?". He had an interdict from turning up drunk at my school and this moron of a nurse was thinking I could solve this at 13. I wish I could. As much as you will miss the person the relief of them dying is huge. You spend your life in a constant state of stress and it's not like cancer you get no sympathy for looking after them and when they die people don't know weather to send sympathy cards or not, you're shamed by their disease. More of us need to speak out to support families going through this.

That's useful to know Zulor. I will ask him a out pain.

msnowtybach I totally understand all you've said. He makes my skin crawl as well. It's awful to say but I just sit perched on the end of the chair trying not to touch him or anything. . There's a long backstory but my teenage children have never met him (he disagreed with my marriage to DH as he's from a different culture) and I keep them and DH out of the situation. It's like living two lives so this thread is an outlet. I am sure I'm coming across as one cold, uncaring cow but I honestly wouldn't care if he died tomorrow. I want it to be over for him and me if I'm honest.

@Neweternal yes, it's a slow process. I remember visiting my df in rehab, aged 10, not wanting to discuss it with school pals. Everyone remarked how strong I was on his passing. Don't get me wrong, I missed him, he still made me laugh and I know he loved me but the truth was I'd completed my grieving slowly over many many years. It was a slow process since childhood 😔. By the time it came, I'd lived it many times over. It's only people who have been through it that really understand. Hugs to anyone who is going/has been through this and happy to pm with anyone about it.

For what to expect, an internal bleed (varices), multiple organ failure, ascites is where his stomach will swell with fluid and is a good indication his kidneys are failing. He is undoubtedly in pain at this stage.

My brother went quite peacefully in the end. Just drank too much vodka one night and stopped breathing while passed out.

After years and years and years of hospital admissions for drink related accidents and drink related seizures, it was a blessing really that he died the way he did.

I’m sorry you’re having to go through this, op. It’s really shit.

Neweternal I'm so sorry you had to go through that. My youngest is 13 and I can't imagine doing that to her.

Is he mean when drunk or can you talk to him?

I can't speak for everyone but my mother is utterly selfish and self pitying. She is truly repellent. She could have had a wonderful and full life, but chose not too. It's not just sad, it's a fucking disgrace.

I'm not cold, I'm absolutely seething with her. There is absolutely nothing that we can do or try to do, it's just about trying to manage the situation and let her get on with it.

All of the behaviour were just like the FIL. Not washing, not eating (but overweight due to water retention) he had Hepatic encephalopathy which is were the liver no longer cleans the blood so when the blood gets the the brain, it's full of toxins leading to poor concentration, poor judgement, mood swings, aggression, slurred speech, blackouts and forgetfulness. Advised to stop driving but he wouldn't so had to hide the keys. He still had a mobility scooter which he crashed coz he blacked out on he way back from the pub. That prompted his last hospital admission.