Am i married to an alcoholic?

[ella90210]

Sorry if this has been discussed before, I seem to have reached a point where i need impartial opinions.

My husband and I are in our early 30's and starting to seriously think about children. We've been married 4 years and together 10. He and his family and friends have always been drinkers. I very rarely drink, a couple of times a year perhaps.

We both work and he has a stressful job. I would say 5 or 6 nights a week he drinks 8-10 cans of beer. This can go up to 12 on a weekend. He does this on weeknights and goes to work at 7am the next day, i cannot understand how he doesn't feel terrible.

He is never violent, angry or anything bad. In fact he is very caring and loving. It's just by 7pm most nights his eyes have glazed over and there's no chance of a meaningful conversation. i end up sat reading or watching tv like i'm on my own because he's chugging beers and getting increasingly drunk.

He is rarely rolling around on the floor drunk, he just gets glassy eyes, slurs a bit and gets tired.

I have tried speaking to him about it but he doesn't see a problem as i don't drink, therefore i can always drive places when he's had a drink. I tried to speak to him about the impact on his health but again he says he's fine and isn't an alcoholic.

I just feel very lonely and the expectation that i will always drive or do things once he has had a drink is getting tiring. As I said i don't really drink but i also don't really have a choice. He will often ask me to take him to the shop for milk and surprise surprise another crate of beer is always needed at the same time. Also i am tired of the smell of booze and surprisingly sex isn't the number 1 thing on my mind when he's like that.

I don't know if I'm overreacting or underreacting? If i speak to my family they just tell me he's a good bloke and to let him be.

[DairyisClosed]

He sounds like an alcoholic to me. If he isn't an alcoholic he will be Acle to not drink without particularly wanting it or feeling like he needed to. Why not conduct an experiment. He can stop drinking fir one month and see whether he is addicted, what kind if impact it has injury general wellbeing etc.

[Bluntness100]

Yes it would appear he has a problem with booze,. However he doesn't drink during the day and he can go one or two nights a week without drinking anything? Sorry it's not quite clear. If that's the case he's probably not a full blown alcoholic. He's a big drinker though that's for sure.

[Movablefeast]

Of course he's an alcoholic with that kind of daily alcohol intake. You would be insane to have kids with this man.

[ella90210]

He doesn't drink during the day as he's at work but on a weekend will usually start drinking around 1pm when sport starts. Yeah he would drink every evening after work but usually 1 or 2 days a week we either don't have any booze in or are busy somewhere where he can't really drink.

[HollowTalk]

He's drinking 60 odd units a week and won't stop. It's irrelevant that he's not drinking at breakfast. I wouldn't have a child with him while he's like that - unfortunately he has to realise himself that he needs to change. It won't matter how often you tell him, it won't make a difference.

[ReinettePompadour]

Yes it does sound like he is an alcoholic. If he doesn't want to admit it then you won't change him no matter what you say to him.

Obviously you can suport him and offer encouragement but you may find that it's not something he's willing to stop.

[ella90210]

yeah you're right. i figured it doesn't make a difference what i say as he knows how much his friends drink (a lot less than him) and he doesn't seem to think it's weird.

[LambChopsMcGee]

I think this sounds worrying, and it's obviously bothering you.
I was in a similar situation but he was less nice when drunk, but that doesn't make it ok that he does this.

Does he ever have a night off? If you suggest a night off does he get defensive?
With mine he would always say he would some time, but never did. Never joined me in being teetotal when I was pregnant (even for a day). Things came to a head and he finally admitted he had a problem and went through detox with medication and counselling.

Does your DH plan on drinking this much when you have a newborn? How would he be there for you in the night? (I had to do all night changes myself as I didn't trust DP, and I wouldn't let him near her after a night in the pub).

I basically think if you aren't happy, then no, you aren't overreacting. What does he say when you say the things you have written above to him?
It is an unhealthy amount to drink, anyway. My DP got nicely scared while waiting for the results of the test on his liver (he was fine, but he was lucky).

[GeorgeTheHippo]

Yes. Undoubtedly you are.

[ella90210]

lambchopsmcgee thank you that was very helpful. he says when we have a baby he 'obviously' wouldn't drink but i see how reliant he is on a drink and i doubt he'd stop. he's cut down before and lost a ton of weight but always starts up again. he can have nights off but doesn't like it and does get defensive. he also gets immediately bored and usually goes to bed early.

[Bluntness100]

The fact he can have one or two nights off a week would indicate he is not an alcoholic. He's as such drinking like this because he wants to, not because he has to. An alcoholic would drink every night.

I would struggle to be with someone like this, constantly pissed and I would be reticent to Have kids with them. You need to decide what's right for you.

His behaviour isn't normal or healthy though and shit for you.

[Ikeameatballs]

There is no way I would have children with this man.

How would you ever leave a child in his care? When, in the evening/weekend would he be sober and not hungover?

[ella90210]

yeah i thought that. i think he could stop but he has life pretty good? like he gets to drink and i drive everywhere etc. so it's perhaps more of a selfish thing?

you're all right though - kids is not a good idea now. sometimes i sit thinking 'am i that boring that necking 10 cans is more interesting?'

[Movablefeast]

He is an alcoholic because it is his main interest in life, he can't enjoy himself without it and doesn't want to stop or cut back. His "hobby" is drinking. Don't enable him any more. It must be costing a fortune as well.

[Movablefeast]

You are already lonely as he is not a good partner because of alcohol, so you would be parenting alone and dealing with a drunk at the same time.

[BringMeCoffeePlease]

Yes, he’s an alcoholic OP. He needs the alcohol to relax and he’s reliant on it. Does he have any hobbies he does in the week? Or does he do anything to relax like reading, having a bath, playing an instrument etc? The alcohol has become the norm for him: he comes home from work and drinks. And that’s probably what gets him through his working day. But he needs to be able to look forward to something other than drink like a hobby or going out with you. What about date nights out in the week? Cinema, a meal, theatre etc. Then, he can’t be chugging back multiple beers.

[TreesAgreen]

He's an alcoholic, and unless HE does something about it, it will only get worse.

There is nothing you can do, you have no control over him or the alcohol he consumes, you never will do.

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

Is a good place to talk about what you want, and how his drinking effects you/makes you feel.

[WunWegWunDarWun]

That's nonsense, bluntness.

[ella90210]

thanks guys. i think i needed an impartial opinion. funnily (or not) enough a friend of mine said 'his personality is just being drunk'. i'm sad because he is such a good guy but relies so heavily on beer to relax. he does play football and watch football but again - both involve beer during or after.

i dread to think how much he spends!

[rupertpenryswife]

Only thing to add is he must be over the limit the next day drinking that amount and the timing of his work.

[junebirthdaygirl]

An alcoholic is someone that drink is causing a problem for. Drink is causing a problem for your dh so he is an alcoholic. Its not true that an alcoholic will drink every night. Some will drink to total drunkeness all weekend and stay sober during the week . Do not have a baby yet. You have to decide if you want to spend your life with a half drunk man most of the time. Imagine him looking after a baby or imagine him being the father of young children and him being their role model. If he wants to be a father he needs to cut out drinking during the week for at least a year. But if he is an alcoholic he needs to cut out drinking altogether. But you have a life too and that is no life sitting with a boozer every night. Start giving him an ultimatum...stop drinking or your out.
There is also the waste of money.

[Babymamamama]

Do not have any children with this man. How would he be able to get up at night they needed him. You wouldn't be able go to go out in the evening and safely leave them in his care. If he could give up after he has children why won't he do it now? The number of units is very excessive and unhealthy whether or not it's full blown dependency.

[Bobbybobbins]

My DH was always a big drinker before we had kids though more like 2 cans a night and more at the weekend. Our first DS was early and I had to drive us to the hospital as he had been out drinking. This was a wake up call for him. For DS2 he gave up booze for the last 3 months of the pregnancy and has never gone back to drinking much in the week. Good luck!

[ella90210]

bobbybobbins thanks :) glad he stopped that must have been a great help to you. think we're going to have to have a serious conversation about this and make an ultimatum.

[Lobsterquadrille2]

Hi OP - yes, I'd agree with PPs that your DH is an alcoholic. It's not about drinking 24/7 or drinking every night - it's how you drink. I've been in AA for 10 years and have heard all kinds of stories, from people who "just" drank several times a week to those who were 24/7 by the end (as I was). Most of us are able to stop for days or weeks at a time, but are then lulled into believing that we don't really have a problem, at which point we think we "deserve" a night off, only the night turns into weeks or months. But we believe that we have proved something by our short-lived abstinence.

Unfortunately, as I am sure you already know, you cannot do anything about changing your DH's drinking until he himself wants to do something about it. I'd be very wary of assurances that he'd change if there was a baby in the house - at best, he'd probably become more secretive about his drinking. Very best of luck with whatever you decide.