Am i married to an alcoholic?

[ella90210]

Sorry if this has been discussed before, I seem to have reached a point where i need impartial opinions.

My husband and I are in our early 30's and starting to seriously think about children. We've been married 4 years and together 10. He and his family and friends have always been drinkers. I very rarely drink, a couple of times a year perhaps.

We both work and he has a stressful job. I would say 5 or 6 nights a week he drinks 8-10 cans of beer. This can go up to 12 on a weekend. He does this on weeknights and goes to work at 7am the next day, i cannot understand how he doesn't feel terrible.

He is never violent, angry or anything bad. In fact he is very caring and loving. It's just by 7pm most nights his eyes have glazed over and there's no chance of a meaningful conversation. i end up sat reading or watching tv like i'm on my own because he's chugging beers and getting increasingly drunk.

He is rarely rolling around on the floor drunk, he just gets glassy eyes, slurs a bit and gets tired.

I have tried speaking to him about it but he doesn't see a problem as i don't drink, therefore i can always drive places when he's had a drink. I tried to speak to him about the impact on his health but again he says he's fine and isn't an alcoholic.

I just feel very lonely and the expectation that i will always drive or do things once he has had a drink is getting tiring. As I said i don't really drink but i also don't really have a choice. He will often ask me to take him to the shop for milk and surprise surprise another crate of beer is always needed at the same time. Also i am tired of the smell of booze and surprisingly sex isn't the number 1 thing on my mind when he's like that.

I don't know if I'm overreacting or underreacting? If i speak to my family they just tell me he's a good bloke and to let him be.

The fact he can have one or two nights off a week would indicate he is not an alcoholic

You are simply wrong here.

Omg here is ur twin!!!! Im living the exactly same senario as u! My partner is the same we both have stressful jobs he drinks 8 cans a night of strong beer an i mean 5%per can beer he refuses to acknowledge he has a problem the same at a weekend drinks to excess i am to early 30s not yet got kids but i want them but do i want to bring them up in this enviroment! No i dont and im torn what to do ur not alone my lovely at all xxxx

Pleaae don't have childeen with him unless he really cuts down. While he is drinking at that level is he even fertile? I remember reading a book about infertility that quoted research saying that 90% of alcoholics are infertile.

Its so hard to get him to cut down he tells me hes ok and to stop nagging him but it is really getting me down. Ill really do not think he will be fertile aswell in all honesty im just so low i really love him but i just dont know what to do xx

The fact he can have one or two nights off a week would indicate he is not an alcoholic

Absolute bollocks. I'm a recovering alcoholic, and I could go months and months without drinking, even when I was at my worst.

You don't have to be a daily drinker to be an alcoholic.

This was my life. Every night. Click of the can at "beer o'clock" -6pm. Continuous drinking until bed.... he would have the occasional beer free night only if he had to be somewhere the next day, but that was seldom. I made excuses. Hated the smell. After having a lightbulb moment, I realised He was never going to change and stop. I didn't realise how much control he had and how much of a co dependant I was.

Nobody can tell you what to do. It isn't ok to drink that amount every day. It isn't ok. Good luck to you and maybe think about counselling to work through your thoughts. There is a lot of help out there. I didn't feel al anon was for me, but there is addaction for support. Good luck x

He's dependant on alcohol, so yes, that means alcoholic. DON'T think about having children until he stops drinking....he won't be any use to you and a child when he's wasting money and time on boozing every day. He needs help, but you won't be able to help him - he needs to want to stop drinking.

If it were me, I'd get out of the relationship.

To OP

That's an enormous quantity of alcohol per week. Reason he does not feel terrible next day and can make it to work is that he is only early 30's. Maybe he is a big person whose body weight enables him to drink a lot without too much effect?. However, as he gets older he may not be so strong.

I say this from my own experience from when I was mid to late 30's. I used to drink a lot, but nowhere near what your husband is consuming. I was late for work on odd occasions, but always made up for lost time in my own time and employers were happy with my performance. Plus employers at the time did not breath test anyone.

In today's world many employers terms and conditions are that anyone who arrives at their place of work intoxicated (alcohol or drugs) can be dismissed on the spot or suspended.

Happened to me a few years ago. I was not breath tested, but wobbly upon arrival in office. I was not; dismissed, suspended or cautioned at the time, but when Contract came up for renewal 3 months later it was not renewed. Employer never stated why Contract was not renewed as they were not obliged to. Contract had ended and that was that. However, within a few weeks of me leaving Employer took on another Contractor to do the exact same job at same office. A coincidence? I think not.

Suggest your husband seeks help now before it is too late. As others have suggested you may want to re-consider whether or not to have children.

Good luck

The fact he can have one or two nights off a week would indicate he is not an alcoholic

There are a couple of definitions of 'alcoholic'.

Clinically, an alcohol dependent person would not be able to have a night 'off' without symptoms and would be drinking > or = 24 units in 24 hours. Tremors, hallucinations, numbness and other fun symptoms are possible up to and including death. He's close but not quite there.

Colloquially, an alcoholic is a problem drinker. Definitions of which are varied and include someone whose drinking causes them problems and they continue to drink. They aren't emotionally available because of alcohol. They drink and drive. They prioritize alcohol over relationships and other important things. He's 100% totally in this place.

Denial is present in both. You can't change it, you didn't cause it, you can't control it.

Can I just say that just because a person doesn't drink every night does not mean they are not an alcoholic, for people to say this, it is a bit reckless. My mother was/is a recovered alcoholic. She didn't drink every day. But when she drank she had no control over it. The reason she could stop for a few days is because she knew that she would have a drink in a day or two as a reward and then it would be another bender. Im so sorry to say but your husband is an alcoholic, albeit a functioning one at the moment but nevertheless an alcoholic. More often than not 'functioning' alcoholics turn into 'non functioning' alcoholics- it isn't possible for someone to drink as much as he does and for it to not effect his work, etc.

I am in a similar situation (although we already have a child) and my partner is showing signs of a serious drinking problem. I drink when we go on nights out (which is rarely) but I know when I have had enough. Every night I go out with my partner he gets so drunk that he passes out at the bar, toilet etc. It is embarrassing. He also drinks every weekend. Before he drank nearly every night until I said only at the weekends (which is enabling behaviour). He doesn't get drunk at the weekends at home though and because of this I thought he must not have a problem but I'm starting to realise I've been in denial. I know if I asked him to go even a weekend without a drink he wouldn't. That's an alcoholic!!!!! He is also a very loving and caring person, and drink does not make him angry or hateful at all. That doesn't mean he isn't an alcoholic. His family are all big drinkers too, the type that have problems with drink but rather sweep it under the carpet so they see nothing wrong with behaviour, not that I've ever spoken to them about it, it's just his Dad is the exact same.

One thing I will say to you is not to have children with this man unless he stops drinking. Please. I have a child and I am scared for our future. My partner is an amazing man and father but I know that his drinking is going to effect my child's life. My mother's effected mine. I am going to give my partner a chance. I'm going to give him time to see if he can get a handle on it, it hasn't gotten so bad yet but I am saving and planning for if/when I leave wit my son. I will not raise my son in the kind of environment I grew up in.

I really hope things work out for you. You need to talk to your husband and tell him he needs to stop full stop or you will go. If he stays drinking there is only one way this will go and it's not good. You need to look after yourself. This isn't your fault. Xxx

If he's drinking that much now, imagine what he'll be like with the added stress of a child! Do not have a child with this man. And give him some ultimatums! Please look after yourself: you're not his mother