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Alcohol support

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Original poster

DH has lapsed after 19 months sober

35 replies

Anjelika · 18/12/2017 21:41

....and after just 2 days we're right back in the hell of it all. Felt like my world had ended when I realised yesterday. It came completely out of the blue. Right away came the lies, denying he'd even had a drink then eventually when he was completely trashed he finally admitted it. This morning he was so so sorry and trying to convince me it was just a lapse (yeah, yeah, heard it before). Came back from dropping the kids at school and he was already slurring his words and getting confused. Had to break it to the kids when I picked them up and they were devastated (they're 10 & 7). He's not working at the moment and was supposed to be looking after the kids tomorrow and Wednesday so I had to quickly find some childcare. Thankfully today is my day off and I managed to achieve loads - it's amazing how you quickly step up to the plate when you have to! 2 years ago I was part of the way through divorcing him because of his alcoholism and feel such an utter fool for not going through with it but he sobered up and pleaded and pleaded and eventually I gave in. Like lots of people on this board say about their alcoholic DHs - he is a great father when sober. Now facing another Xmas from hell (think he's only had about 2 sober since 2010) with him in the house stinking of drink and lying asleep on the sofa. It's not as if you can invite anyone round is it?

OP posts:

Catfriend1978 · 18/12/2017 21:46

I’m really sorry you are going through that Angelika. Do you know what triggered it ? Is it because it’s Christmas and he just thought fuck it ? I’m so sorry. I hope you have a good support network.

hollowtree · 18/12/2017 21:47

Sounds awful OP but did you have to tell the DC? Just wondering if it would have helped to drop them off with a relative rather than have to deal with them and him. And 7 and 10 is quite young to deal with that information, not that it's your job to cover for your H.

It's easy to believe the lies of 'I will change', it's not your fault for trying again- you didn't know he would let you down.

Hope you're ok

hollowtree · 18/12/2017 21:48

Sorry if that sounded judgemental I just meant it might be easier for them and you if they didn't know

TheWitchAndTrevor · 18/12/2017 22:01

So sorry OP

did he go to AA? does he have a sponsor?

Blackteadrinker77 · 18/12/2017 22:09

If he isn't working he can't afford to drink.

Take his bank cards, and any cash he has.

FeelingGuiltyAlready · 18/12/2017 22:13

You poor thing .

RainbowHash · 18/12/2017 22:21

So so sorry - how heartbreaking.

Original poster

Anjelika · 18/12/2017 22:51

I don't have any relatives on the doorstep that I can just leave the kids with when this sh*t happens! If only! My kids have no option but to live with it I'm afraid so I had to tell them after school today. I thought I was doing well hiding it till then tbh.

The trigger for DH was an annual night out with old friends. He doesn't drink when he's with them - they all know about his problem - but for some reason he comes away feeling very sorry for himself and then drinks. It's mental. It's happened like that once before but after 19 months (and no issue when he went last year) I didn't really give it a thought.

He doesn't do AA. Has had loads of counselling in the past but these things tend to be 6 week programmes or the like and come to an end. He hates anything group related.

I don't have any support network where I am. We moved in the summer and among other things this was supposed to be a fresh start for DH as no-one here had seen him in a right old state. Well they will soon!

OP posts:

MynewnameisKy · 18/12/2017 23:07

Oh @Anjelika I have nothing to offer you but a handhold. This is awful for you and your kids and I'm so sorry you are having to go through it.

FATEdestiny · 18/12/2017 23:21

Anjelika can you make him leave? Change the locks etc.

I think he needs to hit rock bottom as quickly as possible. Several days with no home might go that.

When do the children break up from school? I'd see if you can take them away from Dad (to visit far off friends or relatives) as down as possible. Your DH needs you see he has lost you, his kids and his home. Not in a few months time when can't cope anymore, but right now and straight away.

Noicecupoftea · 18/12/2017 23:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 18/12/2017 23:29

I'd invite everyone round. You will need a support network. Make sure everyone knows. Go in and tell the school. They need to know because this affects the children.

If you ask him to leave, will he go?

flatwhite45 · 19/12/2017 00:35

Please talk to your husband and find out what happened. As a fellow alcoholic I imagine he must be as devastated as you that his illness got the better of him. To have managed 19 months sober without the support of a network is testament to his determination and love for his family. Please contact al anon and get some advice about what to do next. Good luck and so sorry you are going through this

MrsRyanGosling15 · 19/12/2017 00:42

Your children should have a choice. They dont deserve this. As someone who has been that child, at yet another drunk Christmas, please think of them and get him out. It doesn't matter where he goes or what he does but those DC dont deserve it. They are the priority, not him or even you. It is truly horrible and devastating having an alcoholic parent.

Amaried · 19/12/2017 11:28

You poor thing. Sounds like you have been very supportive over the years. Maybe it's time to say enough is enough and look after yourself

Kardashianlove · 19/12/2017 11:40

Now facing another Xmas from hell (think he's only had about 2 sober since 2010) with him in the house stinking of drink and lying asleep on the sofa.

Only if you let him stay, you do have a choice.

Original poster

Anjelika · 19/12/2017 18:31

Thanks for all the replies. I don't want to up sticks and go and stay with people. I like being in my own home and don't want to camp out at someone else's. I can't make him leave - I've investigated this option in the past and legally he is not obliged to go. The police will only enforce it if he's violent and he's not. Right now he's teetering rather than being out and out drunk. I can tell he's had a drink but he's pretending he hasn't and he has managed to successfully cook tea for the DCs. I've been here before, naively thinking this will be it and it will just be a small lapse but usually a few days later he's in a full on relapse which goes on for weeks. Therefore I'm not getting my hopes up! So sad after 19 months of normality though. It's amazing how quickly it changes and all those horrific memories become your new reality.

OP posts:

TheWitchAndTrevor · 19/12/2017 19:38

I really feel for you Anjelika and eco pp advice about getting intouch with al anon, they are there for family and friends effected by alcoholics. You will find support there, it gives you head space to concentrate on you and your dc and what is best for you. Whatever options you have.

If if he wants to be sober again. Then you should point him to AA, he did 19 months on his own, if he had a sponsor he could have sent just one text and found himself putting off that first drink, ect....

If he's serious about getting sober again then he should take all the help he can get. He's done counselling and stuff there is no harm in him swallowing his pride and trying a group form of therapy.

Again I'm so sorry you are going through this.

tribpot · 19/12/2017 19:55

You suspended divorce proceedings on the basis of him staying sober. So that's over now. He does need to realise that you absolutely will not back down this time - he got a second chance and he's blown it. I would tell him you're instructing a solicitor this side of Christmas.

It's up to him what he does now. It sounds like he's set for a full-on bender over Christmas; I hope you will resolve that this will be your last Christmas ruined by his drinking problem.

I suspect that moving in the summer is what gave him 'permission' to do this. He lost the accountability of being around people who knew about his problem - how convenient for him. Even more convenient: you're left without a support network of your own.

As RunRabbit says, start telling people. You're not obliged to keep his secrets. He can't run away from this.

bendywindy · 19/12/2017 20:04

really sorry OP

Original poster

Anjelika · 19/12/2017 22:27

I can't face the whole divorce prospect right now. We only sold and bought a house this year. We've only been in our new house since July and it would need to be sold and the profits split in order for us to buy 2 houses. I can't face the whole process again so soon. Obviously I might well change my mind by the New Year!

OP posts:

MrsRyanGosling15 · 21/12/2017 04:25

I know this is very difficult for you but you don't really seem to be thinking about your children. You like your home, you don't want to move. What about your kids? They do not deserve to be in that house with him. Full stop. My mum made excuses like that for my dad for years. I ended up resenting the both of them. Your dc will know alot more than you think and are probably hurting more than you think too. He has to leave the house at some point, just lock him out then call the police if he is banging and trying to get back in, say your all afraid of him. Do anything but dont put your kids through yet another Christmas with a drunk man.

PastaOfMuppets · 21/12/2017 06:33

Oh OP, your poor DCs. Here for a handhold.

Kardashianlove · 21/12/2017 08:39

Ageee with MrsRyanGosling15. I know you don’t want to move out of you home, I wouldn’t either but if you can’t get DH to move out then you need to leave with your DC.

By staying, you are normalising this behaviour and sending out a message that it’s acceptable to put up with it. This is likely to be very damaging for them. Lots of children who grow up in alcoholic or abusive households end up resenting the non alcoholic/non abusive parent for failing to protect them.

I know it’s easy to say in hindsight but having been in this situation previously where you knew you couldn’t get him to leave, you could have done with a back up plan that the first sign of him being drunk either you or him were out straight away. If you do decide to stay together or if he doesn’t end up relapsing fully and stays sober from now on, please sort something so one of you can leave immediately if he drinks again at any point in the future.

Original poster

Anjelika · 22/12/2017 19:32

I'm not quite sure how people think I can just up sticks and go stay with someone just like that. I've got 3 DCs and it would be a massive upheaval not to mention a bit of an imposition. I think the idea of a backup plan is a good one, although I've been there before and once the drinking starts DH just plain refuses to go along with it. I've locked him out before and the police will sometimes take him in for the night but then he's free to come home the next day. Sorry but that's just the law. He seems to have avoided going into a full blown relapse for the moment so hoping Xmas will be OK.

OP posts:

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