Will me stopping drinking for January help my DH?

[StuntNun]

My drinking has crept up lately, not so much in terms of quantity (I'm under 14 units per week) but in terms of frequency to having a drink on most days. I've decided to have a dry January to get back into good habits which I've done before and found useful.

I'm doing it for myself but I'm wondering whether it may have any effect on my DH. He has declined to join me because he says he 'needs to drink to be able to cope with bad days'. I'm not sure how much he drinks but I estimate about 50 units per week as it was over 40 last time I counted and it has crept up lately. I suspect that I may unwittingly be enabling his drinking. He has a tendency to top up my wine glass when I'm not looking so I think I've only had one glass when I've actually had more. I only know when I find myself unexpectedly drunk after 'one glass' or if I catch him at it. He will also make cocktails and bring one to me without asking first whether I want one. It makes me wonder whether he uses that to help excuse his own drinking i.e. it's okay for him to have a drink because I'm having one too.

Does anyone else find that their partner's drinking habits affect their own?

If you have money worries - how much are you spending on drink?
I don't know but it would be worth finding out. A lot more than we used to, that's for sure.

If he's working long hours and travelling, is he drinking when he's away?
Definitely but only socially. He wouldn't put alcohol just for himself on his expenses and we have a joint bank account so I would see if he was buying alcohol on business trips.

If he's heading to work early, is he still over the limit?
No, he drinks steadily through the evening but doesn't get drunk (it's really obvious when he's drunk because he starts enunciating very carefully). He doesn't have any trouble getting up in the morning, no hangover so I don't think he's over the limit. He won't drive when he's had even one drink. The only time he ever drove after drinking alcohol was when I was having an asthma attack and he had to take me to A&E.

If you have small children how much is he involved at weekends, or is he desperate to get them to bed so he can have a drink?
He's very involved at weekends and will take them out swimming, to the zoo, the museum etc. He doesn't rush to get them to bed at all.

Does he drink in front of them? When he's in charge of them?
He only drinks in front of them at mealtimes. So at Sunday lunch he and I would have wine and the kids are allowed fizzy drinks. Most mealtimes we only have water at the table.

How many evenings does he spend uncommunicative, slumped in front of a tv, not interacting with the family?
None, this doesn't happen. Occasionally he'll stay up late to play Xbox, about once a fortnight, and he'll keep drinking then.

He's doing much more than putting his health at risk. He needs to stop drinking and head to the gp.
Yes I agree. It has to be his decision though. That's why I was hoping my dry January might have a positive influence on him.

Are you still buying alcohol with the weekly shop?
Yes. I would rather have control of what's coming in. We had an agreement that I would only buy two bottles of beer per week. That only works up to a point though as he will drink wine or spirits.

I agree with duck. You can only support someone who wants to make a difference. I drank too much over Christmas. (Not loads but drifted into having a glass of something pretty much every night.) So back to nothing on a school night.
You can't support someone who doesn't think they have a problem and has no intention of stopping.
You are living with an addict.

Duck that's what I'm worried about, and I'm so grateful to everyone posting on this thread. I need to sort out in my head what's going on and the story you're all reading doesn't seem to be the same as what I'm writing if that makes sense. So if I'm not seeing the big picture then I need to know that.

You didn't cause it
You can't cure it
You can't control it.

I recommend Al Anon

What do you think your friends and family in RL would say about it? If they knew what you know. What might an alcohol organisation say?

You seem to be trying to monitor and control his drinking. Rule-setting, it's Ok if with meals, only X bottles a week etc. You can't control it.

Could he be paying for "social" alcohol in cash or on general meal bills?

A relative of mine with an alcohol problem (and smoker in his case) recently died suddenly of a heart attack at 59. "Family man". Successful at work. Enough money to pay for it. Of course it's not certain that drink was a factor in his death, but suspect it was.

"50 units is less than 5 bottles of wine a week"

A bottle of wine is, on average, 9 units of alcohol. So 5o units is more than 5 bottles a week.

Your husband clearly has a drink problem, and no matter what you do you can't change him. SIL's husband is an alcoholic. His liver is irreversibly damaged and he now has dementia caused by his excessive drinking, and SIL has a miserable life.

Stop buying the wine, and don't restock the drinks cupboard. Your husband is in denial about how much he drinks, but if he has to buy his wine he may realise that he is drinking more than he thinks.

The three Cs of alcoholism are:
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it

Keep telling yourself this and get rid of the guilt. Don't pick him up if he falls down, don't clean him up and don't help him out of any predicaments he might find himself in that are due to alcohol. This is tough love.

He had 7.5 units last night. So 40-50 units per week is a reasonable estimate. That seems like an awful lot.

It is an awful lot, you knew this already. He has a problem.

Thanks very much for the links. The Drink Aware website was particularly helpful.

Duck I spoke to my MIL and she's very worried about my DH because her dad was an alcoholic. But she's teetotal and my FIL doesn't drink much alcohol so they aren't bad influences on DH. I am monitoring his drinking because I didn't know just how much he was drinking until I realised how many bottles were in the recycling. I don't limit how much he drinks, it was his suggestion to only have two beers a week as we were trying to cut our grocery budget.

I don't have any guilt about it Bun, I only want to be supportive. We've been together for 20 years next month and this is a recent issue.

That link really worries me Maryz, I never thought about him being over the limit driving to work. He actually doesn't leave until 8 to 8:30 but he could still be over the limit if we've had a couple of bottles of wine the night before.

What's the point of buying these two symbolic bottles of beer? He's buying all the rest of the booze himself, presumably. Why bother?

Tribpot that was in an effort to reduce our shopping bills and because if there is beer in the house then he'll drink it every night until it's gone. Having said that I think he's just switched to G&T since cutting down on beer.

Maryz it was all beer so the units are printed on the bottles. He uses a double shot measure when he makes G&T so they would be 50ml of gin in each.

He didn't have any alcohol last night for the first time in weeks.

But you said We had an agreement that I would only buy two bottles of beer per week. That only works up to a point though as he will drink wine or spirits.

Can you not see that that doesn't work up to any point at all? You're bringing in, say, 5 units a week and he's actually consuming upwards of 50. So why bother bringing in the 5, let him buy it all for himself? He's not sticking to the agreement in any way at all.

That said, interesting that he didn't drink last night, do you know why? I hope you're not drawing attention to it today. It's Sunday, are you planning on there being wine at lunch? And if so why? (Even most drinkers I know no longer drink at lunchtime).

Somehow reading your op l imagined your dh was an older man but now l see ye had a baby this year. That is a serious amount of drinking for a man who is in charge of small children. The amount isn't the issue. Someone has an issue with drink if it causes problems for him or his family. So far ye have managed to support each other through this. I believe you not drinking will open your eyes to what's in front of you. How can your dh do a proper job if he drinks so much the night before? He is in danger of losing his job being caught for drunken driving and seriously damaging his health. How can he go to a sick child during the night or if you took I'll how would he take care of you. The amount of money wasted is another issue. Alcohol is a depressive drug do his depression can be caused by that not the other way around. Your children are young now but as they get older they will notice more. My dad gave up drink when l was five. I remember him drinking. He was very young at the time. I am now in my 50s. The greatest gift he gave me was an alcohol free childhood and he was a wonderful father after that.

Yes Tribpot, clearly reducing the amount of beer coming in hasn't affected DH's intake at all. I asked him whether he was going to have wine with Sunday dinner and he said he wasn't going to open a bottle if I'm not drinking as he doesn't want to drink a whole bottle by himself. So it looks like my dry January might be having an impact on his drinking.

He does need to cut down June, I do wonder how much of an effect it is having on him with regard to temper, sleep quality, depression,
etc.

No, you not drinking for 10 days (so far) is really not going to affect what he does. You seem to want to cling to the idea that all will be well with him.

I really hope so Duck otherwise he's going to make himself ill if he carries on like this. Or what if it gets worse?

Two more alcohol-free nights for DH.

Why are you monitoring him? You can't control it.

You'd be better off seeking advice for yourself and considering what you'll do if he continues to drink heavily.

Because I want to support him. As I posted upthread I didn't realise how much he was drinking until I started monitoring and then I was appalled at the quantity. Now I'm more aware then I can moderate my behaviour to be more supportive and stop enabling him, e.g. by buying alcohol with the weekly shop.

But that assumes that your actions have an impact on HIS problems: they don't. By all means stop enabling, but you can't "support" him unless he is ready to admit the problem and tackle it.

You can of course decide, in your view, whether he has a problem, and seek help for yourself in your situation.

They certainly seem to have an effect on him. He's gone three nights in a row without drinking now which has happened in I don't know how long. And last night we were watching telly and snacking on chips which would have automatically meant beer for him in the past.

Five nights in a row now and he said yesterday he's decided to only drink at the weekend.