Positive experiences of adoption

[Italiangreyhound]

My DH and I are right at the start of looking into adoption. We have a birth DD aged 5. We have been to an open evening and are yet to get onto the road to adoption. I am trying to read all I can and get ideas for what is involved. Some of it seems quite hard, difficult experiences etc. I just want to hear some positive experiences if there are any out there, please. I have read a lovely post on here today which was very inspiring. I know that it is hard to go hunting for 'positive' experiences and there may be some conflicting opinions about what constitutes positive etc. I don't want for a minute to ignore the challenges but just to get a balanced view from as many angles as possible from real people who know what they are talking about.

I hope to hear from you. Thanks

Thanks Maryz it was good to read. I guess I have read quite a few 'negative' posts in that things are going wrong, times are tough. I agree totally that people probably post when things are going wrong, as I did with fertility treatment.

Don't get me wrong, I don't expect anything in life to be all a bed of roses all the time so I wouldn't expect adoption to be either. It was just that I seemed to be constantly reading stories on websites about tough times and I wondered if I am really strong enough for it all. Am I up to the job! In one sense I know that no one really knows that until they are in the position to be 'tested' but I would not want to go down this route if I thought I could not cope.

I guess, in answer to your questions, I think positive would be where there were good times/successes/happiness and the people involved all felt it was worth it and good. I wonder if people who adopt are just naturally strong and can cope with the difficulties of children who have had a really hard start in life/with problems, possible involvement with birth families, and with social workers etc.

I think when you start to enquire about adoption you just get quite a lot of 'challenging' situations thrown at you, no one wants to mislead you or make it seem easy and so they actually can make it seem bleak!

Your post is very helpful.

Thank you.

I adopted from OH's family via social services but we still had to go through all the same checks as non family adopters. Our son is also pretty typical of the children available for adoption. The main difference for us is that he started living with us at a very young age (8 weeks but adoption didnt happen for two years) and his birth mother knows who we are and where we live.

Thought I would clarify

I wouldnt be without my darling boy. He does have quite a lot of issues and they wouldnt have been apparent at the age he was adopted. We knew there was a possibilty because we knew so much about his birth family but a stranger adopter may well have got a lot more than they bargained for!

But he has grown with us and us with him. As his issues became apparent (ASD and LDs) we took them in our stride and dealt with them as best we could.

As we would with our birth children.

He is lovely and such a positive addition to our family. Totally worth everything.

Remember that people tend to post on forums when they are having problems. They are interviewed in magazines because they are newsworthy. Happy adoptions are not really seen as newsworthy.

It is important that people know the truth about adoption but there are such huge positives as well as the horror stories.

Italian, my story is decades old so has not much to do with current practice, but it is a happy one overall so thought I'd share anyway. My mother was adopted as a newborn baby. She was very much loved and adored by her parents and had an extremely happy childhood.

Sadly in those days things were very different and they never told her she was adopted. She only found out in her 40s, 20+ years after both parents had died. That was been a massive trauma, as you'd imagine.

However, as time has gone on, my mother has got her head round it, and thinks she is ruddy lucky. At the point where she was adopted, there were thousands of unwanted babies (post WW2), some of whom were shipped abroad to be treated very badly indeed (google child migrants if you are curious). So she is very glad she was one of the fortunate ones and very glad she had her lovely parents for 20 years, and understands that what they did was the standard advice back then.

The only lesson I'd pass on from that is that although I understand contact with birth families can be extremely difficult for adopters, it is far better than the olden days when adopted children were lied to.

chegirlmonkeybutt and Edam thank you for your wonderful stories.

chegirlmonkeybutt did you say you have birth children or you would do this if you has them?

I only ask as we have a birth daughter, now aged 5. I am concerned how she will cope with this. She wants a sibling and I so much want to give her one. Years of expensive fertility treatment later and we have not been successful.

I am conflicted as to whether to keep trying down the fertility route or to go for adoption. (I know we would need to get approved etc, I kknow my wanting it won;t make it happen so some of it will be out iof my hands.)

My DH is keen on adoption and I need to work out if he is really keen to do it or just keen to avoid more fertility treatment!

Like many men he does not express his feelings much or well (sincere apologies to any men reading this - I know not all men are the same!) and so I am not sure what he thinks or feels.

I just know if we do adopt (if we are successful) it will be me who is most affected in the parenting side of things and it will be DH who has the long-term effects of a new sibling (which could be good or bad affects). Of course the child will be primarily affected too but DH works 9 - 5, like many men, and I think he may be the least affected! Am I making any sense?

I guess I am just wondering how much this will totally disrupt/transform our current family life. How do you know before you have to deal with it that you can cope with ADHD or whatever comes your way!

Thanks to kind people posting.

Just wanted to add my support to you, Italian. DH and I would like to do this in future, and so many people give negative responses - because people seem to have a tendency to tell and remember horror stories more than positive ones.

Friends of ours have adopted (only child so far) and it's worked very well, their DD is very well-adjusted and they all have an excellent relationship.

Am watching this thread with interest.

Thanks speedy.

I keep waiting for someone to come on and say something about how selfish I am! But I do feel I need to be a bit selfish and watch out for myself. Can I cope, am I able to do this.

You know, what is quite heart-breaking to me is that I have wanted to adopt since I went to an orphanage in Romania in my twenties! Of course, at the time I was not in a position to do it so it was a kind of fantasy-dream. Now it could be a reality I am somewhat more jaded with life (I am in my 40s) and wondering if I have the strength and energy!

I've had one birth child and lots of physical complications there (conception/pregnancy) so I know I can cope with that. I?ve lived off little sleep, hence messaging at 12.23 is no problem. But now adoption seems a huge step and I want to treat it with reverence and not go rushing in!

Afraid age might be a problem, Italian, I gather SS prefer younger adopters as they worry that the over-40s are more likely to die while the child is young, leaving them bereaved all over again. (Although most people live well into their 70s or 80s these days so personally I think it's a bit daft.)

Not me but my friends adopted a little girl 18 months ago - she was 44 and he was 41 at the time and their DD was then 2 1/2. There have been some challenging times but really nothing hugely traumatic. I have friends with bio children who are much more difficult.

Their DD is settling in really well at nursery, has lots of friends and seems to have made a remarkable recovery from a difficult start in life.

I think the hardest thing for them was the steepness of the learning curve because they didn't have children of their own - going from nought to toddler isn't easy! But they've had loads of support from their SW and have nothing but praise for her.

Their experience has been fundamental to my decision to apply to foster

Italian I had two birth children when we first fostered DS. They were 9 and 11 at the time. The big age difference helped a lot.

My poor kids had no warning. We only had a week and we couldnt say much to the kids until we knew for certain it was happening (as it happens the day before the court hearing!). This went against everything we believed in. This sort of set the scene because until we had PR we had to do a lot of things that went against our beliefs.

Unfortunately a year after we fostered DS our DD got luekemia. She died after two years of treatment which entailed me and her being away from home for long periods.

This added to the loss of his beloved elder sister has compounded some of the problems caused by his earlier lossess and neglect.

But even if we look like a car crash on paper we really arnt! He is a happy little boy and is now doing really well his new school since I took him out of mainstream.

I would do it again. I may have too one day and I will (but I know a lot more about the system now)

Chegirlmonkeybutt Thank you for sharing your heart-rending story. I guess what you say just goes to show that tragedy can strike any family at any time and sometimes there are no preparations for it! I am really sorry for your loss of your beloved DD. There just aren't any words really.

I was interested that you said "We only had a week and we couldnt say much to the kids until we knew for certain it was happening (as it happens the day before the court hearing!). This went against everything we believed in. This sort of set the scene because until we had PR we had to do a lot of things that went against our beliefs." Can you explain that a bit (no worries at all if you feel you can't explain it). You say you may have to do it again one day, does that mean you are again considering fostering or adoption? Is your boy adopted now or still fostered? Anyway, a million questions, feel very free not to answer if I am being too nosy!

Edam I am not worried about the age; we have been completely upfront about ages and so far have met with no opposition. Before we go much further I may just spell out to the county council exactly how old we are and kind of child we are thinking about adopting and make sure they do see us as potentials to go forward. Everything is a bit understated at the moment as we can?t really proceed until 6 months after last fertility treatment. However, if they knew now we were no good due to a factor we can't change, like age, then I would rather know. I will check it out.

Thanks Ladybiscuit it was very encouraging to read your story (or your friend's story).

Thanks for your kind comments.

Italian As kinship/family adopters things were different in the respects I mentioned. We were approached by a family member, phoned ss and the assessment all took place in a week (there are special rules for family emergency placements).

We didnt think we would be adopting DS as we got involved in order to help this family member get him back (although she now refuses to acknowledge that).

We went on to adopt 2years later. It took that long which is why 2 years is about the yougest age children are freed for adoption.

We got to see both sides of the adoption process. The assessment of the birth mother and all that includes. Most adopters dont have a clue about this bit. It was a blessing and curse TBH.

I say we may have to do it again because we have made it clear that we would care for any siblings if they were removed from b.mother and she is still v.young.

Not that I want her to lose more children, God forbid. But I cannot bear the idea of my son's siblings going into care.

I say we had to do things that we did not agree with because we were fostercarers for the first two years of DS's life. As a fostercarer you get all the responsibility but no status. We had to do as we were told. He was shunted about from pillar to post in a most heartbreaking way. His needs were most definately not put first. We had to keep our mouths shut and try and minimise the damage as best we could.

Sorry if my post confused things for you. You would not be likely to have the same experiences although you will have to deal with the consquences of what the system does to your adopted child IYSWIM.

chegirlmonkeybutt thanks for being so frank. I do understand your situation is different to mine but maybe seeing some insight from your situation will help me to be more understanding. I do feel that I am kind of teetering on the edge of adoption, trying to understand how it all works.

I visited your profile page and saw the lovely picture of your beautiful girl.

Wishing you all the best.

chegirlmonkeybutt thanks for being so frank. I do understand your situation is different to mine but maybe seeing some insight from your situation will help me to be more understanding. I do feel that I am kind of teetering on the edge of adoption, trying to understand how it all works.

I visited your profile page and saw the lovely picture of your beautiful girl.

Wishing you all the best.

Hi Italian, i don't have any experiences to pass on, but thought I'd tell you that I am 46 with a 4 year old birth child, and am in the process of adopting a 10 month old baby. Age hasn't stopped us from getting a baby, but that's probably because dp is black Caribbean.

Our social worker encouraged us throughout the process to be completely clear about what we could take on, and what was too much for us. There was no pressure to be heroic - their worst-case scenario is an adoption that falls apart, and they take particularly seriously the needs of any existing birth children. Our daughter was interviewed, and her needs have been at the centre of all our discussions about possible children.

At one stage we were offered a little girl who just had too much going on that we felt we couldn't take on (though it's important to acknowledge that, with babies, there's not much solid information about what you are taking on - it's a wait and see game - but our instincts were that this baby had needs we couldn't meet). Not only did our social worker completely support us, but the baby's social worker was totally understanding of our position, and even came back with other children for us to consider, because she had liked us so much.

Hope this helps and best of luck. Oh, and only read the adoptionuk message boards with smelling salts to hand - they are completely terrifying!

Hester thank you so much. I have read more positive stuff in the last couple of days than in the weeks and probably months since I have been 'stalking' this topic on Mumsnet and adoptinuk message boards.

I do think it is helpful to have eyes wide open but I also think I need some positive stuff to help me through this. My dd is 5 and can be a handful herself so at times you wonder can I cope with another! Let alone another who has had a cr*p start in life. But I am blessed with a DH who is great and a natural dad and I have some faith left that this could work! Having thought about it for years it is hard now it is a possibility to really take it on board.

May I wish you every success in every sense with your adoption plans.

Thanks again,

Italian you are welcome. I think its important to point out that 'on paper' even as a baby (and certainaly but the time he was freed for adoption) our little boy looked very much like a 'hard to place child'

But he is lovely. He has got special needs, no doubt. But he is just a little boy really.

Hester how exciting! I seemed to have missed the progress you have been making. I am so happy for you and wish you all the best. You made a brillaint point about being honest and non heroic when it comes to being matched. It is so much better for everyone. It must have been hard though, you spend so much time when being assessed trying to say and do the 'right' thing without knowing what the 'right' thing is

Thank you Chegirl and Maryz you have said so many helpful and useful things. I think you are right Maryz that adoption does weed out those who are not really fully committed, (my words not yours!) although I wonder if some people are just not well suited to adoption as it is organised today or are not what the adoption agencies are looking for (not in a negative sense, just not right for the children who need families).

I think for me it is combination of can I cope, can DH cope, can DD cope and also are we all cope-able-with too!

I think for me thinking about adoption verses having a biological baby has been a huge decision, the biological baby decision was kind of made years ago and so it was not hard to think I wanted it. But making it a reality has been hard. Now adoption was also something I really thought I wanted to do for all the right reasons I hope (probably) but my preparation for adoption has been to read about it and go to a preparation evening and I have found it harder than I thought! I am realising I am a wimp! But I can see from what you wonderful women have said that you love all your kids and that they are enriching your lives and that is such a huge encouragement.

Some long chats needed between DH and I before we proceed and sadly DH not so keen on chatting everything through. He seems to have a lot of faith in my parenting ability which I am not sure about.

Thanks again for your wonderful words, at the very least I feel I am understanding more and as I have friends and colleagues who have adopted so at least I can start to put this knowledge to good use.

PS I know it is not all about enriching my life but also about the life of a little one but as a long term volunteer at all kinds of things I also know you don?t need to adopt to make a difference in others lives. I think getting the balance right between helping yourself/accommodating yourself and helping/accommodating others is a tough one. Too much one way and you feel you are selfish too much the other way and you are called a martyr!

It is wonderful to understand a bit of people's journeys and to see them taking place. Thanks Hester and others for sharing. please do add any thought s but don't feel obliged to.

Blessings,

Just a quick further thought: during the process, there's loads of messages that adoption is not about finding babies for subfertile adults, it's about finding families for children, so don't go thinking that this is all about you. At times, this seemed to me to become quite - well, uncivil.

I also think it's a big mistake, on their behalf. It is absolutely right that the top priority, over and above everything else, is the needs of the child. But adoption doesn't exist because people want to become unpaid and unappreciated carers of children with problems. It exists because people dare to dream that they can experience the joys (and the miseries and frustrations, yes) of family life through parenting a child who's had a rough start in life. Yes, we need to be realistic about the risks and realities of parenting a child who was born to someone else, but I don't think that makes it invalid to hope and expect that we will get something out of it for ourselves, too. Ads for prospective adopters always say they're looking for 'normal families' for children; well, normal people are not 100% altruistic in choosing parenthood, and we shouldn't have to be either.

Go in with your eyes open. But don't feel that you have to take on anything you're not comfortable with. This is not about charity; this is about becoming mother to a child you love and want to be with.

Phew, rant over.

Hester, that was such an accurate post which articulated so many adoptive parents views.

It is a complete and concise account of some of the many failings of the adoption situation here in the U.K. Thank you for it.

There are tens of thousands children in care in England alone. It is shameful that so many prospective adoptive parents are completely put off by the huge bureaucracy surrounding adoption.
I truly hope that David Milliband and Michael Gove, who both have personal experiences of adoption may help change the obstructive system we have here.

We have on the one hand hundreds of couples spending fortunes on failed IVF yet there seems to be no connection to these children who are so in need of a home.

Italian, good luck in your efforts.

Long post, apologies.

Hester thanks. I already know what you kind of mean! I am not sure what an ideal adopter would look like. Whatever reason for adopting (failed fertility/altruistic etc)there could be good and bad sides.

Had always hoped to adopt, but assumed (foolishly) I would pop out a couple of kids first. As only one has arrived I am kind of in that in-between stage, what should I do for my dd, best for her to be on her own, or to have a sib adopted, or for me to keep trying to get myself up the duff (not get myself, you know what I mean!).

If I didn't have a child I'm sure I'd still be trying to have one, and having one changes a lot! So confusion reigns!

I worry we will not be offered a child to 'fit' into family (DD is only 5) and I worry I won't be able to satisfy the SWs as I did a fair bit of travelling in my youth and travelled round Oz in my twenties with no idea where I stayed for the year!

I don?t mind scrutiny up to a point but I can imagine even the most open person gets frustrated with the long process.

Hester and Deeply thank you so much. If I am honest I am so conflicted about what would be right for me, for my dd, for my dh and for us as a family. In my head I can see it going so well, and I can see it going so wrong too! I keep wondering if I am ready to give up on fertility treatment but then I am also aware, if it works well, adoption can be a wonderful thing. At times our dh can be quite naughty and I wonder how I would cope with another child being naughty/difficult. For me, parenting just one, you kind of wonder how you could love another as much as the first, the love for the first one is so intense - friends who have more than one seem to manage it fine so I know that is just a silly fear!

I think what makes it hard at times is that if you have had a lot of frustrations and failures through fertility treatment you wonder if you would be any good at parenting a child that hurts. (I am talking about me, not anyone else - not criticising anyone at all.)

In one sense I know I would if (God forbid) anything happened to relatives or friends and they required me to look after their offspring I would spring into action and do all I could, however strong or loose the connection was, and if a miracle baby turned up in my old-age (please God!) I would cope with it all. I just know. But for adoption I feel so worried that I would not cope and that dh and dd would struggle. DD is quite used to getting things her way! (Yes, we try hard not to be too lenient but with only one sometimes it is actually quite easy to give in - please don?t judge me!). So there I am, feeling one thing one minute and another the next and knowing I cannot do anything until I feel more sure which is the right path for me and the family.

But the good thing is I can share with you lot who I don?t know and won't meet and you have all helped a lot. Thanks

PS Apologies another long post!
When I say a child to 'fit' into our family I don't mean they will do all the adapting and we won't do any! I just meant that as DD is still quite young I feel we would not be able to adopt a child too close to her age or too grown up as that might be a bit of a challenge to her. I know we are unlikely to get a 'baby' but a toddler would probably be easier for her to deal with than someone who was grown-up chatting etc! I would not expect the child to try and fit in with us but would hope that the process managed to match us or we or SW find a child who would not find it too hard to be part of our family. DD is very interested in having a new child in the family and has already said about sharing toys etc (we have not explained adoption as such). BUT DD can also be selfish etc and I am just wondering how she will cope with it all!

Also, does anyone have experience of fostering and then adoption, please? I wondered about fostering with a view to adoption. I have wondered about fostering, wondered if it would be too hard to do because of the chance of giving the child back to social services if necessary or to a new adoptive family but I did wonder if it might be a good way of seeing whether we could all bond as a family without the express decision at the start that we would definitely adopt therefore not the disappointment for the child or for us or our dd if it did not work out well. I mean if the child needs to go into foster care and would eventually be adopted one day it would mean less changes for the child if the two situations could be the same family. I know that is often not possible but if a family with a child were interested in fostering with a view to maybe adopting and got approved for both first, how does anyone think the county council adoption services would view it?

(I know no one is an expert in this area and feel free to not reply or for others to reply, please.)

Thanks

Are you thinking of concurrent fostering Italian? (I have namechanged - was Chegirl).

I am not sure how common that is now, I know Barnardos were doing it because my DS was due to be placed before we were informed and got involved.

Otherwise fostering as a test/short cut to adoption is a big no no (well it was when I was involved). Fostering and adoption are kept seperate. If you applied to foster and said in assessment what you have put in your post I think you would probably not be approved.

I am not judging you for saying it or wanting to do it but I dont think it would go down very well with SS.

Hope my post has come across how I meant it.I am not telling you off honest